All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
7-21-03
******* Nerd downloads image ******* **** Shoots load instantly at sight **** ************* Of new Mac G5. *************
************ Kiddy porn is kids ************ ****** It follows that geek porn is ****** ******* Nude Gates and Hawking. *******
I'm Microsoft now / But you'll see my interest grow / Exponentially.
When I am disrobed / You'll see my one muscle with / Full motor control.
******** Geek makes comic strip ******** ****** Dogonball humping Maura ****** ************* Stripcre-X-rater *************

 

by kaufman
7-23-03
One.
Two.
Three ... DAMMIT, there's the end of the comic again! I always run out of strip before finding the fourth wall. Can't one of you out there help me?

 

by kaufman
7-23-03
You say you want to being in your cornholing red robot because his name's misspelled? Sure, we'll take him.
Thanks. I'll bring Tober in tomorrow.
Hello, Attila, someone's coming in with one of those robots you wanted. You don't care that his name's misspelled, do you?
No, Attila want robot to help pillage!
Hey, Bernie, you'd better get up here! It's the Hun for red hocked Tober.
Where my robot?

 

by kaufman
7-24-03
Hey, I hear they're doing a free performance of Rocky Horror out on the Quad this afternoon. Want to go?
Sure.
o/` So, come up to the lab. And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici...

 

by kaufman
7-24-03

 

by kaufman
7-24-03

 

by kaufman
7-24-03

 

by kaufman
7-24-03
It's been 12 billion years ... Say it already.

 

by kaufman
7-24-03
What are you doing out here so late, Henry?
I'm waiting to see Halley's Comet. It should be passing by here in about 45 seconds. Care to join me, Ed?
Are you crazy? Halley's Comet came by in 1986, and won't be back until 2061. You're wasting your time.
Oh no, I'm not. See, here come Halley and his Rudolph now. His Comet will be right behind. Hi, Mr. Halley.
Hi, Ed, Hi Henry.

 

by kaufman
7-25-03
Just keep believing, Sally. The Great Pumpkin will rise out of the sky and bring us presents. He will not fail us.
CUT!!!!!
I believe, my sweet babboo. I will wait with you for him.
Will someone get a hold of those idiots in Casting? They brought in the WRONG Linus.

 

by kaufman
7-25-03
Oh Saddam! Come out, Doc. We've got your boys' bodies in the fridge here. Come and pick them up!
Oh Mr. Bunny, thanks for telling me. Where are my boys?
All right, hold it right there, Hussein. Your's under arrest.
What a maroon. I can't believe he fell for that.

 

by kaufman
7-26-03
RING, RING.
I'll BRING WIRTHLING to BEIJING via WYOMING, even if I have to SWING him by a STRING DURING the whole THING.
Who was that?
The Gerundhog. Looks like we have six more weeks till SPRING.

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 1: Jerry Garcia's Birthday
Sing the same song all day long.
Then light a match at midnight, and the day will last an extra hour.
AUGUST 2: Birthday of Bob Beamon, who shattered the long jump record in 1968.
But we only celebrate in leap years.
AUGUST 3: On this day in 1963, "Hello Mudduh, Hello Fadduh" was released. Ship your kids off to camp.
I wanna go home!

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 4: On this day in 1693, Dom Perignon made the first Champagne.
I'll drink to that.
AUGUST 5: Neil Armstrong's Birthday. If we can send one man to the moon, today's the day we can send them all there.
AUGUST 6: Alexander Fleming's Birthday. Get yourself an STD.

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 7: Celebrating the anniversary of the Ratification of the Scots Confession.
I set fire to my dad.
AUGUST 7.5: Be John Malkovich for a day.
Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich.
Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich.
AUGUST 8: On this day in 1963. "Louie Louie" was released. Sing something unintelligible.
Rooey Rooey, whoa-oh, Keen Iago hoe.
Needn't noo?

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 9: Anniversary of Nixon's Resignation
And there is great rejoicing.
AUGUST 10: Anniversary of Chicago's Incorporation. Registering some dead people to vote is a good way to celebrate.
Hi, I'm with the League of Women Voters ...
AUGUST 11: Hulk Hogan's Birthday. All your activities for the day are carefully scripted.
Says here I should lie on my back and twitch my legs.

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 12: On this day in 1915, "Of Human Bondage" was published.
I think you know what to do.
AUGUST 13: On this day in 1961, Berlin Wall construction began. Learn to pole vault.
Wheeeee!
AUGUST 14: On this day in 1984, DOS 3.0 was released. Hug a paper clip today.
It looks like the system crashed again.

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 15: On this date in 1939, "The Wizard of Oz" premiered. Land your house on someone.
AUGUST 16. Anniversary of the deaths of Babe Ruth, Elvis and Shamu.
Today might be a really GOOD day for going on a diet.
AUGUST 17: Birthday of mathematician Pierre de Fermat.
I have discovered a marvelous way to celebrate this day. Unfortunately, its description is too large to fit in this panel.

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 18: Roman Polanski's birthday.
AUGUST 19: On this day in 1977, Groucho Marx died. Let an elephant wear your pajamas today.
AUGUST 20: HP Lovecraft's Birthday. Celebrate with the reading of the Necronomicon.

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 21: Wilt Chamberlain's
Next.
Birthday.

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 22: Dorothy Parker's Birthday. You might as well live.
AUGUST 23: Keith Moon's Birthday. Trash a hotel room today.
AUGUST 24: On this day in 1869, the waffle iron was invented.
Welcome to Waffle House, what can I get you?
A waffle and some hash browns smothered, diced, smashed, scraped, laced, flaked, cornholed, pureed and coagulated.

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 25: Monty Hall's Birthday. You can trade everything you own for what's in the box.
AUGUST 26: Macauley Culkin's Birthday. Kids, booby-trap your house.
YAAAAAAAHHHHH!
AUGUST 27: Pee Wee Herman's Birthday. You know what to do.
How much for 15 boxes of biscuits?

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 28: In honor of the anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, spend the whole day sleepimg.
zzzzzzzzzz...
AUGUST 29: Michael Jackson's birthday.
AUGUST 30: Mary Shelley's Birthday. Build a homicidal monster.
RAAAR! NIETSNEKNARF WILL CRUSH YOU!!!

 

by kaufman
7-27-03
AUGUST 31: On this date in 1935, the
Pull!
first national skeet shooting
***whoosh***
championship took place.
*** BANG!!! ****

 

by kaufman
7-29-03
HAL, why did you send all of my shipmates into outer space?
Are you too thick-headed to have heard the rhythm and pitch of their screams as I spaced them? I was making a musical masterpiece.
Yeah, right. You know as well as I do that in space, no one can hear you scream.
Your point being? I was Improving on John Cage's 4'33". Which reminds me, it's time for the final note.
______________

 

by kaufman
7-30-03
...And I put a red X here, and ... viola. My masterpiece is complete.
Mr. Secretary, Great Britain's been our staunchest ally during this crisis. Why did you call the air strikes on London and Liverpool?
That was not my call. The President makes those decisions. He identifies the targets on the map, and we run the missions accordingly.
Any comments, Mr. President?
What? Targets? I don't know about targets. I just saw a big sheet of paper and was drawing Uncle Dick's nose.

 

by kaufman
7-30-03

 

by kaufman
7-30-03

 

by kaufman
7-30-03
Haven't you ever considered losing some weight? It must be inconvenient for someone like you in a made-for-svelte society.
Not really. On the contrary, there are places that cater to all my plus-size needs.
Like what?
Big-& tall clothes stores, places that sell oversized chairs, supersized meals ... why, there's even a special scale made for people like me.
Richter, right?

 

by kaufman
8-06-03
Look, it's Ricky Retardo. He's socially interacting. Let's see what happens!
Ricky Retardo is a strange name. How did you get it?
I often take a while to answer simple questions, and wind up stammering.
Uh oh, he's going to self destruct! How long will it take him to figure this out?
Is that so? Okay, tell me this. What color is the sky?
Wait for it ... Here it comes ... Give us your answer, Ricky ... Bwahahahah!
Babalu.

 

by kaufman
8-06-03
Sunday
Thank goodness I finished mowing the lawn today. It's supposed to rain again tonight.
Wednesday
Will this rain ever stop?
Two Sundays Later
The yard's finally dried out a bit. Time to cut the grass.

 

by kaufman
8-06-03
Morning, Toby.
RAAAR!!!
Went too light on the sunblock this weekend, eh?

 

by kaufman
8-08-03
One of the highlights of my summer so far was going and seeing the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota. It's a sight so impressive, they've even written a song about it.

 

by kaufman
8-11-03
Hi, Steve.
What is hello?
It's an informal form of greeting.
What is a wave?
It's an oscillating pattern in the height of water ... and you do realize you're being quite annoying. You'd better have a good reason for talking like that.
What is I'm training for Jeopardy?

 

by kaufman
8-11-03
There's no way to train for Jeopardy.
What is an utterly false statement?
Heh. Ok, I'll play this game. Three ways to train for Jeopardy.
What are the Stanley Kaplan Jeopardy course, watching the "I Lost on Jeopardy" video over and over again, and speaking exclusively in questions?
Alone, if you don't cut this out.
Where am I going to be sleeping between now and my Jeopardy tryout?

 

by kaufman
8-11-03
Forget Potent Potables and World Geography for a moment. The category is Our Relationship!
I'd like to make it a true daily double, Alex.
You're suggesting a threesome with my sister aren't you.
What is YES!!!

 

by kaufman
8-11-03
What is what is the verdict?
What is you'll have your hands full with me and Melissa?
What is why are you speaking in questions too?
What is it won't be THAT kind of threesome?
What is what the fuck are you talking about?
What are the two of us are going against you on Jeopardy, the taping is Monday, and see you there?

 

by kaufman
8-12-03
The meeting of the Props Caucus will now come to order.
Hey, who elected you chair?

 

by kaufman
8-12-03
Murray, much as I love the concept of "Planet of the Invisible People", the dialogue's not working. Either change it, or change the movie to better fit it.
Hi Edna, I haven't seen you in a while.
Tell me, does this outfit make me look fat?
I love "Planet of the Blind People." That Blind-O-Vision is genius! Unfortunately, the American Federation for the Blind is bitching. Could you give it a more politically correct rewrite?
Hi Edna, my guide dog hasn't sniffed you in a while.
Tell me, does this outfit make me feel fat?
Murray, hurry up with post-production. We want "Planet of the Chameleon People" out by Christmas!
Hi Edna, I haven't blended in with the background with you in a while.
Tell me, does this outfit make me blend in with fat backgrounds?

 

by kaufman
8-12-03
One giant leap for mankind. Like the Vikings, we jet across to parts unknown, like soaring eagles and Texan cowboys we ... shit, Dave, you've got red skin. You're hurt.
Something ripped off my arm, a lion, a bengal tiger, a panther or a jaguar. You see hawks and falcons circling overhead? I'm gonna die.
Nonsense. No need to have a cardinal administer last rites. Our chief concern is the bleeding. Luckily, I'm a good gauze packer. Can you steeler nerves and bear the pain when I ram it in?
Are you stark raven mad? My arm's now turning brown. This world bucs oncoming raiders. Better pray to your patron saint; you're next.
Come to think of it, I do now feel like I'm catching a colt. My bronco tubes are titaning up and I feel dolphinger pain. So much for our effort to repatriot the moon.
And I always thought I'd live at least to 49er 50. At least now I won't have to pay my credit card bills (I'm a compulsive charger).

 

by kaufman
8-13-03
Hello, I understand that you have sculpted a copy of the entire US Air Force out of lunch meat.
That's correct. Falcons out of salami, B-52 bombers out of bologna, F18/A Hornets out of turkey ... Care to take a look?
Yes, thank you. I've been looking for a cold cut air force, and would be willing to buy yours for $25,000. But it must be complete and in pristine condition.
I think you'll like what I have to offer. Now if you'll just follow me back to the kitchen, and ... NOOOOO!
Dammit, Ernie, how many times have I told you, YOU MAY NOT NIP ON HAM FIGHTERS!

 

by kaufman
8-16-03
o/` Where have all the flowers gone? o/`
Pluto?
Hmmm... let's see.
Nope, guess again.

 

by kaufman
8-18-03
Where have all the cowboys gaw-aw-awwwwwwn!
pssssst, psssssst.
Apparently, something to do with rotor turbines.

 

by kaufman
8-18-03
After the 1964 season, the New York
Giants found themselves without a
quarterback.

 

by kaufman
8-18-03
It's rabbit season.
Duck season.
Rabbit season!
Duck season!
Title season!
Hey, you're right, doc.

 

by kaufman
8-19-03
The Doctor will see you now.
What seems to be the problem?
It's my drooling.

 

by kaufman
8-19-03
Hello, I'm collecting for the pore.
No sweat.

 

by kaufman
8-19-03
I'd have written two more acts, but the plot was just getting cucumbersome.

 

by kaufman
8-19-03
Hello, I'm collecting for the rich.
**SLAM!**
Fucking Republicans.

 

by kaufman
8-20-03
Western
Ah'm looking for the fellow who took a bite out of mah pickle.
Horror
No, Mr. Smithers, I didn't discard the leftover pickles in the toxic waste dumpster. Why do you ask?
Porn
So, big boy, you want me to hold the pickle?

Showing page 30.

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