All comics by umfumdisi

Profile

 

by umfumdisi
5-04-11
Psssssssst. I stole your background.
And your outline!

 
by umfumdisi, 5-04-11

 

Whazzz your name, Honey?
Barbie.
by umfumdisi, 5-13-11

 

by umfumdisi
5-13-11

 

by umfumdisi
8-13-11
~\ Oh, whoa, Heaven isn't too far a-waaaaaaaay... /~
~\ Closer to it ev-er-ry daaay- yaaaaaaaaaaay! /~
Rock on, dude.
What the hell?

 

by umfumdisi
8-13-11
Ladies and Gentlemen, Sinners and Saints, welcome to the Holy Ghost, Full Gospel, Hail Mary, Full of Grace, Open Bar, Evangelical, Pentecostal, All-Inclusive Non-Intrusive,
Non-Denominational, International, First Unity, Second Glory, Third Day Rising, Sacrificial Lamb of the Blessed Blood, Cup Runneth Over, Hell Goeth Under, Inspirational, Non-Confrontational,
Redeemed, Rejoicing, Repenting, Reconciled, Undefiled, First Missionary, Second Organized, Third Devoted, On The Hill, In The Valley, Under The Cross,
Divinity, Trinity, Temporary, Stationary, Tertiary, Virgin Mary, Hopeful, Helpful, Gleeful, Thoughtful, Worshipful, Prayerful, Steadfast and True, Honest and Upright,
Faithful, Forthright, Forgiven, Consecrated, Dedicated, Occasionally Medicated, Ever Delightful, Open Revival, Loving Survival, Satan's Rival,
CELEBRATING THE CONSTANT FORGIVENESS OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST CHURCH!!! And...we're out of time. See you again next week. Amen.

 

by umfumdisi
8-24-11
Dad, why is a rooster also called a "cock?"
Because of the sound it makes -- Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!
So why is a cock also a "pecker?"
Because of the way cocks sound when they eat -- Peck-Peck-Peck, Peck-Peck-Peck.
Then what sound does a cunt make?

 

Lawd-a-mercy, I ain't never been inside a Kohl's before.
Perhaps you overshot the Wal-Mart?
by umfumdisi, 8-24-11

 

by umfumdisi
8-24-11
Why is we here, Momma?
To find you some bras, baby.
But I don't never have no luck finding no bras in here.
You ought'n not worry 'bout that. We'll find you a gooder'un.
I know, Ghost of the English Language, I know.

 

by umfumdisi
8-27-11
Sllllluuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuurp!
Why do you leave your soda beside the toilet?
Because my arm only goes like this.
Oh.
Sllllluuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuurp!

 

Welcome aboard the Sea Princess. Due to economic considerations, your room has been downgraded from "Promenade" to "Probable."
by umfumdisi, 8-27-11

 

by umfumdisi
8-27-11
Whoa!
I can balance my checkbook.

 

And in music news, Taylor Swift has netted yet another top hit with her latest song,
"Fairly Accurate Observance Concerning The Life Of A Teenage Girl."
by umfumdisi, 8-27-11

 

by umfumdisi
8-27-11
What's up, CEO?
We've hidden varying amounts of money in these drawers...
Oh no.
You get to pick one drawer. That amount goes into your 401(k).
Er ... this one?
WOW!! You get $50! Be sure and play again next year.

 

by umfumdisi
8-28-11
Light the fuse in my bottom so I can take off!
I - I only see a sausage...
LIGHT IT!!!!

 

by umfumdisi
8-28-11
For the last time, I do not wish to mate!

 

by umfumdisi
8-28-11
Mr. Reynolds, your 2:30 is here.
Buzz him in.

 

Why duz evry1 keep showin me theyre hunny pot?
by umfumdisi, 9-02-11

 
by umfumdisi, 9-02-11

 

I saw your nuts off, put them in storage and you can use them later.
Great!
by umfumdisi, 9-02-11

 

by umfumdisi
9-04-11
STROKE! STROKE!
STROKE! STROKE!
AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION!
That's how the last five Captains have died?

 

by umfumdisi
9-04-11
I'm sorry. This long distance dating thing just isn't working out.
Yes, we're only separated by one panel. Yet, it feels like an ocean.

 
by umfumdisi, 9-04-11

 

by umfumdisi
9-04-11
I was born of a virgin.
I sprang forth whole from Shirley Temple.
I turned water into wine.
I turned a role on Barney Miller into my own spin-off.
I fed thousands with two fish!
I entertained millions with one Fish!!

 

by umfumdisi
11-18-11
Dear Santa, I enjoy drawing very much. All I want for Christmas is a Color Art Easel. Thank You, Teddy
Sounds a bit strange, Teddy, but I'll see what I can do...
What the hell are you?
Colored Fart Weasel.

 

by umfumdisi
11-18-11
Hey... Cindy....
Cindy!
You talking to me?
Sorry, from behind you look just like this other bla...African girl I know.

 

by umfumdisi
11-18-11
Look at all these Santas! You know, I collect Santa Clauses.
Yep.
I mean, all the Christmas ornaments on my tree ... they all have Santas on them.
Yep.
You know who would love seeing all these Santa Clauses? My mom.
Your boyfriend just hung himself with some tinsel.

 

by umfumdisi
3-11-12
You can become a member today. The Diabetes Care Club wants to make diabetes care easier for you.
If you order now, you get this delicious Diabetes Care Club Sandwich.
We'll also send you our Diabetes Care Club talking blood glucose meter.
Because you can hear our meter, it may be easier to understand your results. Here's an illustration by Garrett Morris.
YOUR BLOOD GLUCOSE LEVEL IS TOO DAMN HIGH!!! EASE OFF ON THE TWINKIES, HONKY FAT-ASS!

 

by umfumdisi
3-11-12
Hi, I'm Honey, and I looooooooooooove guys younger than me!
'Sup, Honey?
And I also looooooooooooove guys older than me.
'Sup, Honey?
So, how about guys the same age as you?
EEEEWWWW!

 

by umfumdisi
3-11-12
HEY,FLAB-BUTT! HEY,DONKEY-BREATH! TIREDOFBEINGA PICKED-ON,FLABBED-OUT TUBOFSUPERGOO?
No.
THENGETTHERACK!!! YOU'LLGET38EXERCISES FULLOFMUSCLE-RIPPING,BRAIN-CRUSHING,HEART-STOPPINGFURY ONAMACHINEDEVELOPED BYAPSYCHOGYMRAT!!!
What?
YOU'LLGETTHENAD-MASHER,THEAORTA-BUSTER,THEJACK-OFFER, THEHAM-STRINGER,ANDTHESEX-OFFENDER!!!
I'd rather hear Disintegration for the 263rd time.

 

by umfumdisi
3-11-12
Hi, I'm Honey, and I loooooooove ... um
Carlos, I'm pretty sure this isn't the right background.
Ay Dios Mio!
Some days it just doesn't pay to be sexy.
Lo siento.

 

by umfumdisi
3-12-12
What are you doing?
Trying to decide.
Decide?
Which hand to use to give a sample for my drug test.
You know they want urine, right?
Liar!

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-12
Damn it, I can't get this watermelon open! Hmmm.....
"Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work." --ACK! My heart!
Wait a minute..... I'm God. I can open this watermelon!

 

by umfumdisi
5-21-12
I wrote my email down so you can send it when you're done.
cassycat@email.com? I thought you were a dog person...
Oh, I do like some things doggy style.
!
I think you dropped this.
!

 

by umfumdisi
5-21-12
Hi, I'm looking for a short-sleeved knit gown. Do you have any?
Yes, we have two different styles.
Great.
We have some that are 48 inches and some that are 39 inches.
What's the difference between the two?
9 inches.

 

by umfumdisi
5-21-12
I'm gonna catch you, Pac-Jesus!
Not if I make it to the conversion pellet first, suckah!
{}
{}
This game is stupid.

 

Hmmmm...how do I feel about the new FSA food safety requirements regarding the control of e. coli cross contamination?
by umfumdisi, 5-21-12

 

by umfumdisi
5-21-12
I'm ready to forgive you, Max.
Even after all the senseless violence, bloodshed, whoremongering and killing...
in your video games?
No, in your Bible.
Touché.

 

by umfumdisi
5-23-12
What do you think, James?
Underwater levels are annoying.
Lava level?
Yes, the lava is level. Har!
Can we at least hide the princess...
IN ANOTHER CASTLE? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

 

by umfumdisi
5-23-12

 

by umfumdisi
5-23-12

 

by umfumdisi
6-07-12
September 23, 1995. J.D. Salinger ventures out into public for the first time in 40 years.
Mr Piddles! Noooooooooo!
So much for finding a new publisher...

 

It sounds like a chainsaw!
It should -- I lubed up with two-cycle engine oil.
by umfumdisi, 6-07-12

 

by umfumdisi
6-07-12
grandfather?
clock
fish?
bowl
one?
night stand

 

by umfumdisi
6-07-12
Okay...separate!
Ow.
How am I still standing?
Why am I so cold?

 

by umfumdisi
6-07-12
...assuming current trends continue, of course. However, we should be mindful of a downturn and plan appropriately by --
YOU'RE A BUG!
Actually, I'm a beetle.
Ringo?

 

by umfumdisi
6-07-12
Your half of the rent is due.
Do you want the "re" or the "nt"?
HA!
Depends. Do you want the "fo" or the "ot" up your ass?

 

by umfumdisi
9-24-12
Well... did you?
I shall not dignify your question with a response.
I know I didn't eat all the nuts.
And neither did I.
*sigh* I'm going to the store, then.
I did, however, hide them in the backyard!

 

by umfumdisi
9-24-12
Still no ice.

 

by umfumdisi
9-24-12
Could you spare some change?
But you're a successful businessman.
True, but my earnings for the previous quarter were curtailed significantly due to unforeseen capital outlay for a high-leverage venture.
Man, I hear that bullshit story every day.
Okay, my Beemer ran out of diesel.
That's better. Here's $5.

Showing page 32.

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