All comics by christopher7murphy

Profile

 

Computer? I need a...
Hello, you seem to be lost. May I assist you?
You're not the ship board computer!
Your Star Fleet computer interface has seemed to experience a fatal systems error.
Frick! Now all my internet porn will be scutinized by Star Fleet Tech Support!
Would you like me to initiate a total ship self destruct?

 

Two parts Richard Pryor, maybe a dash of George Carlin, Ernie Kovak ...
Maybe a couple bits of Robin Williams.
Take my wife....Please!
Sitting here making comics! La La!

 

What are you doing?
I'm sliding Christmas lights up my butt crack so I could surprise you on Christmas morning.
So...what do you think?
I think the blinker's out.

 

Jack Handy's: Deep THROAT
President Nixon was the most powerful dick in the entire country!
He thought he was so studly! His staff.... throbbing with defiant power!
...And then I came.

 

You know that terrible feeling when you just find out they canceled your favorite TV show?
Well guess what? Your Granny has Herpes!
Happy STD Day!

 

This is Information. How can I assist you?
Are you kidding me?
Sir? This is Information. Do you have a problem?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Baaaaaahh!
Hold it...I think I rolled on my pnone.

 

Sooooo (purrrrrr)...the fabulously wealthy Bruce Wayne is also Batman! Purrrrfect!
Confound it! CATWOMAN! How did you know?
Ohhhh come now, Batman. I am a woman. I have my (purrrr) ways.
Drat my hormonal charged young ward....
Alfred. Get Robin down here, we're having words! There will be one less pheasant prepared for dinner tonight!
Meoww.

 

What seems to be the problem?
Well.. Fluffy widdle woohoo is all wed and itchy-poo.
Aww! Fluffy widdle woohoo all wed and itchy-poo?
Yep. Fluffy widdle woohoo all wed and itchy-poo.
So, did it eat anything that could explain the redness?
Actually..I'm more concerned with how it got so fluffy.

 

You'll like this cathouse. I use to come here all the time.
Who cares what it's like, I just need to get my rocks off.
Wow...It's just the way I remembered!
It sure is a lot cleaner than I expected.
Look...they used my sugestion.
A sneeze gaurd?

 

?
WHEEEEE! This is fun!
What are you doing?
I'm randomly throwing obscure images at a preset thread of dialogue.
Wouldn't that be nonsequential and totaly obscure?
Who cares. As long as it leaves one hand free to masturbate....

 

I'm a little busy right now!
But I forgot the password to get into the customer orders!
Can it wait? I'm trying to take a shit!
No, that's too many letters!

 

You have been working here how many years? And you can't remember how to do one basic function?
And then you wait till I am at my most vulnerable and holler at me through the bathroom door?
What's wrong with you?
You can't remember either, can you?

 

You should know the password by now! You always forget! What would you do if I wasn't here!
CAN'T I COP A SQUAT and not have the store fall apart at the same time!
Sir, there's some strange howling coming from your bathroom. Do you have a sick dog trapped in there?
No. It always smells that way.

 

How long ago?
What?
You couldn't wait till I was out of the bathroom, so you were yelling at me through the door.
And when I came out of the bathroom...you were gone!
How long was I talking to myself?
Pretty much since I started working here.

 

♫
Let's see how he likes it when I yell through the bathroom door at him!
♫..... ?
Hey in there! Do you remember who wrote the book, "Brown Box Special?"
CAN YOU HEAR ME? Don't ya know?
I can hear ya...It was John Movement. Why are you yelling?

 

(flush)
So if he's not in the bathroom...then who?
Excuse me, dearie.
Mam...Do you realize you just used an "Employees Only" bathroom?
Why...are you writing a book...or trying to sell me one?

 

I'm sorry, sweetie...I just had to tinkle.
It's not that I mind you using the Employees Bathroom.
Bitch!
It's just... We can't have customers in unattended parts of the store.
Well...no harm done.
Someone clogged the stool and it smells like a dead moose in there.

 

I suppose you want me to clean the bathroom?
No, I'll do it. I've gotta take a break from people for a while.
Sometimes it's the big jobs that give you the most time to relax.
pewwww!
At least I'm getting a little peace and quiet for a moment.
HEY! What's the password for customer orders?

 

I wanted it all!
Darn you Mr. Roarke!
It's time for zee pain. Zee pain!

 

What's the name of the book by that one guy who always talks about that one place?
I give up. What?
Smart ass!

 

I wonder why it's so slow today?
Who wrote Agetha Christie's "Murder on the Orient Express?"
umm....
And then there was none!
Way to go, "Aggie!"

 

What about this one?
NO! No, not that one!
I've read it twice... and it's disgusting!
Quick, find out what book they are talking about and place an order for more!
I'm on it!

 

One day in Illinois....
I refuse to follow the guidelines of impeachment because just like in the old west, I am already a hung man!
Ha ha ha ha!
Wait! What the fuck are you taking about?

 

EWWW! There's POO all over this book!
What? No there isn't. What are you talking about.
Winnie the Pooh.
Silly bear!

 

I did it! I admit it! I killed my wife's murderer!
So...you confess?
Yes! And I'd do it again if I had the chance!
You're free to go.
Why did you do that?
That's snow crime! That's just-ice!

 

Good lord....did you have to stink up the bathroom?
Sorry 'bout that, boss.
It smells like a dead moose in there!
My friend, Andy Dufresne told us all back in the Shank, "A man should always leave his mark in his life."
"Brooks was here, too."

 

--------------------------Blink-------------------------
The victim is a 40 year old male. He shows signs of anal rape.
--------------------------Blink-------------------------
Don't worry, mam. Your husband could still live a full life without one.
--------------------------Blink-------------------------
Nurse....Would you please pass the salt.

 

Why did you want to be the closing manager on a Friday night?
Oh...I don't know. I guess I just wanted to shake things up a little.
But it's Friday the thirteenth. Isn't that a bit risky?
Oh, please!
Friday the thirteenth is just like any other day at the Book Store.
Is the manager in?

 

Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" has been out a few years now.
You don't know anything! That movie was just released!
But we sell the book here.
They made a book from the movie?
No... the movie was based after the book.
You're shittin' me! Aintcha?

 

I'd like to return this. It's broken. I can't get the movie to play.
Mam, this isn't a movie. It's an audio book on CD.
But it doesn't work. It must be defective.
It's not a DVD. It's just a CD where the book is read out loud.
You mean people actually pay to have books read to them?
You're shittin' me! Aintcha?

 

So you won't sell me the movie "Twilight?"
No. We don't sell movies here.
Besides, I don't think that movie is out on DVD yet, anyway.
If you don't know...why do you lie to me?
sigh....I wonder if they're accepting applications down at Gallery Video.

 

Welcome to Gallery Video. How can I help you?
Yes. Could I get a job application?
Sure. Have you ever had any past retail or ninja experience?
Yes..umm...wait..did you say "ninja" experience?
HIII-YA!
Could I speak to a manager?

 

Now...I don't want to alarm you, but I applied for a job down at Gallery Video today.
WHAT? You're gonna leave?
I just applied. I haven't even been to an interview yet. I'm just exploring my options.
Besides, some of the clerks down there seem a little ...um...off.
They think they are ninjas.
Think? ...or KNOW?

 

So! You're the Video Store that's trying to steal my girl..er..my manager?
So! You're the geek who thinks he's a REAL ninja?
AHHH! Prepare to feel the book of a thousand paper cuts!
AHHH! Prepare to feel the pain of my awsome director's cut!
Can you believe this?
It could be worse. At least they won't reproduce.

 

Are you being served?
Blimey! Who do ya t'ink y'ar, sneakin' up on a bloke like that?
?
Ya might'uv near scared me knickers clean offa me, ya know?
um....okay.
Bloody 'ell!

 

What d'ya mean, "out-of-print?" You go look in the back room and double check your facts right this instant!
Right away, mam.
One slice of pizza and a Coke, please.
20 minutes later:
Nope. It's just not available any longer.
Bloody 'ell!

 

Wat kinda bloody 'stablishment are you runnin' here?
?
I say ya got a whole lotta nerve callin' yaselves a bloomin' department store! Wat with the costa onions in Piccadilly!
Yes, mam.
I think I was just served?
Bloody 'ell!

 

I'm sorry, mam. I just have a little difficulty understanding your accent.
Sorry 'bout that. I do tend to mash-up me words 'n letters when I speak.
Say... Do you know what you get if you smash your Ks with your Ms?
Bloody 'L'

 

The book you sold me, "How to build a Home" did NOT help me. There are no stairwells in it!
Well...that's because you need the sequal.
But you told me "How to build a Home" would be all I needed!
You want the book, "How to build a MULTI LEVEL Home."
Why is that?
That's the REST... of the stories.

 

Did you order some more screw in lightbulbs for our booklights?
It wasn't my screwin' job to order the screwin' bulbs!
um...Not "screwin' bulbs," I meant SCREW-IN bulbs...as opposed to plug-in bulbs.
Ohhhhh!
It wasn't my FUCKin' job!

 

My book was released nation wide today! Where is it?
Yes it was released today, sir. It just has not arrived in our store yet.
Why can't I have my book?
I'm sure it is being delivered real soon.
However:
I have a book delivery. You're a Book Store... aintcha?
Boola Boola?

 

Boola Boola?
What are we going to do with a book?
Boola Boola Boola!
Ha Ha! You are right! We COULD open a Book Store!
Boola Boola. Aintcha?
AHHHH-HA-HA. It is "Out-of-print!"

 

I can not believe you do not have my book!
They have it at the Super-Mart! They have it at the grocery store! They have it at the gas station, even!
I can fix this.
No. We don't have any copies left.
And why not? You're a Gas Station, aintcha?

 

Why do you sell books at a gas station anyway?
Well, normally we don't. But we accidently received a box this morning and they've been selling like hotcakes.
It was about these two girls and this poor little cup.
Filler'up?

 

Do you have my book yet?
Not yet. I'm still trying to track it down.
I hope so. It's suppose to be the hit of the season!
Sir...It's the novelization of "Two Girls and a Cup."
Don't judge me.
THE LEATHER BOUND EDITION! With audio CD included....GOLD LEAFED! limited edition........... NUMBER TWO!

 

The book is called,"Two Girls and a Cup." Do you have it?
Oh, YES! I have one copy left!
Great! You won't believe how far I've gone to find a copy.
I am sorry, but my one copy of "Two Girls and a Cup" is not for sale.
Boola Boola!
Don't judge me.

 

FINALLY! You got the book I should have had two days ago, "Two Girls and a Cup." How much do I owe you?
Oh, I think you will find the transaction quite rewarding...
HEY! What happen to the lights?
OOOFF! Owww! Hey, what are you doing?
What the heck? Where am I?
Boola Boola! Did you bring a spoon?

 

Dan Durdyape...For duties going beyond the call of customer service...
The Book Store is proud to present this gift certificate for $100 and a "Way to go" pin!
Why don't you take the rest of the year off?
Rip one lousy face off...and Geeze!

 

Honey! I'm home!
You're home early.
Well...you know how the media reacted when my Uncle Spam ripped the face off the nieghbor?
Nonsense! The media is always blowing things out of proportion!
The Book Store thought it best for me to lie low til this whole chimp in the work place blows over.
Well...get cleaned up, your folks are here for dinner.

 

Well...That went better than expected.
I don't think your mom particularly likes me.
Oh, hush! Mom just wants us BOTH to be happy.
Then why did she get so upset when I complimented her?
Honey, a female monkey is very sensitive about how red her butt is.
Well...I guess she shouldn't have been rubbing the mashed potatos all over it.

Showing page 33.

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