All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
1-06-09
Man... I got back from China days ago but I still feel really discombobulated.
It wasn't that bad when I went over there.
Well, they say that leaving Asia can be very dis-Orienting.
So she took some kung-fu lessons over there, huh?
I should've asked for more details about her trip.

 

by Scyess
3-04-09
Welcome to this month's meeting of the Raging Anthropomorphized Pseudopodal Extremeties.
Issue #1 on tonight's agenda is improving our image in society -- especially as it relates to Japanese school girls.
A closely related Issue #2 is finding a better acronym for our club.
How about the Association of Neighborly but Angry Limbs?

 

by Scyess
6-01-09
I feel like my life is in a spiritual vacuum. Give me some of your wisdom, Japanesus.
–Ù‚ê!‚¨‘O‚ɘb‚µ‚½‚­‚È‚¢. ‘«‚Ý‚½‚¢‚ȏL‚¢‚µ‚Ä‚¢‚邼!
I don't really understand any of it, but I'm ready to shower scorn on anyone who doesn't believe it.
Sounds like you've got this religion thing down perfectly.

 

by Scyess
6-11-09
The truth shall set you free!
LIAR!
Fuck.

 

by Scyess
6-24-09
I wish I didn't have to waste 8 hours a day sleeping. Imagine what I could accomplish if I had those 8 hours back!
I wasn't aware you accomplished anything with the other 16 hours.
C'mon. I'm not talking about those hours!
Sorry. I'll try harder to keep up with the conversation.

 

by Scyess
6-25-09
I've always wondered... why don't ducks' feet get cold in the water?
Our feet have a "countercurrent" blood flow that keeps them at a constant temperature. But ask why our penises don't get cold.
Okay. Why don't du-
BECAUSE THEY'RE IN YOUR MOM! HAHAHAHA*quack*
Ask me why ducks don't get invited to parties very often.
Oh, that's easy. Because they're busy fucking your mom, right?

 

by Scyess
6-25-09
Cats' penises are barbed on the end. That helps us keep them in long enough for insemination.
Yeah, but doesn't that hurt the female?
I don't know. Your mom never complains.
Thanks for all the free meat, Jon. This is really saves us money on wire traps and tuna.
Compliments of my mom.

 

by Scyess
6-29-09
*haa... hrrr... haaa... hrrrr* Abraham Lincoln, my master the Emporer has sentenced you to death by light saber.
I find your lack of faith distrubing.
*hrrr...* *GAG* *GASP* *CHOKE*
What the hell was that?
One less black guy to emancipate.

 

by Scyess
7-09-09
The fight of the century! Ready...
GO! *DING DING DING*
*drool*

 

by Scyess
7-24-09
This is odd, Jim, but every time I go into a public restroom, I see your phone number scrawled in the stall. What's up with that?
BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR
You set your cell phone to "vibrate" and shoved it up your ass, didn't you?
Think that's something? Ask my why I'm carrying around a car battery.

 

by Scyess
7-27-09
The top news story today is Sarah Palin: Why is she still in the news?
As far as we can tell, she's never done anything except make an ass of her self slightly more often than other failed vice presidential candidates. And that was months ago.
So, just for the hell of it, we've decided to cover Lloyd Bentsen instead.

 

by Scyess
10-02-09
I don't understand. I do my best to shower my girlfriend with love and affection, but it seems like she's trying to keep me from getting too close.
Really? Like how?
Like when she sics her dog on me when she catches me skulking around her property.
Uh... does this person know that she's your girlfriend?
Well... if she'd just let me get within shouting distance I could let her know.

 

by Scyess
10-07-09
I get so nervous talking to girls. The trick about imagining your audience naked only makes things worse.
Why not try imagining them taking a wallpaper-peeling, tile-melting, lamb-vindaloo-and-pickled-garlic mega-shit instead?
Hi.
GROSS!!!
Holy shit. I had no idea girls were so disgusting.
Oh, yeah. Why do you think they give them their own special bathrooms?

 

by Scyess
10-16-09
Man, I used to love Eggo waffles with the Kroger generic syrup as a kid.
I know honey. I've been cooking all day to make you something even better: yeast-risen apple spice waffles with organic maple-honey glaze syrup.
So you're trying to do something nice by going to a lot of trouble to give me something I don't want?
Was that not the response you were looking for?

 

by Scyess
10-16-09
Why so down, Sanna?
Well, I'm having some trouble with my boyfriend...
This is a great chance to prove she should dump him and go out with me...
Sometimes in the second or third hour of lovemaking, he'll say or do something that reminds me of you, and it's a total turn off.
I appreciate the sympathy, Jon, but the sobbing is a little unnecessary.

 

by Scyess
10-22-09
I've always wondered about you people who lean on the wall with one hand at the urinal.
Is it really that hard to stand upright on your own for 90 seconds? Or are you trying to convince everyone that your enormous schlong is throwing you off balance?
I guess no one ever showed you the secret "testicle massage" button.
Aha! That also explains why you've been here for 45 minutes.

 

by Scyess
11-02-09
Hi, Tataki. Bllwaaahhh!!!
Bllwaah! Gah! Ick! feh feh feh mrroooaahhh!! *wipe wipe wipe wipe wipe wipe*
You might want to check your doorway for spider webs more often.
Nice to see you, too.

 

by Scyess
11-03-09
No, I'm still not going to have sex with you. It's weird.
C'mon, Sanna. I'm single. I can have sex with whomever I please.
Really. So you think you can please me, do you?
I see you hiding behind the couch, Jon!

 

by Scyess
11-09-09
For your information, I happen to know that I am absolutely fabulous in bed.
Oh, really?
It's true. I can do any position I please, for five hours at a time...
...and still feel like I've slept for eight full hours! Even face down.
You are a master.

 

by Scyess
6-02-10
Women have a hard time around me. I'm sorry if my manly physique is driving you crazy.
Let your conscience be at ease. Your physique is in no danger of driving anyone crazy.
Your theory about why women are crazy has a few holes.
Maybe it's your overpowering intellect that drives them crazy.

 

by Scyess
6-03-10
Jon and Sanna are both gone this week, and they've asked me to watch the house.
First I'm going to paint the whole place black, including the windows. Then glue the furniture to the ceiling with manniquins in sugestive positions. Then rent the house to 20 illegal immigrants.
How about filling the bedrooms with pink cows?
This isn't about you.

 

by Scyess
6-03-10
I've got a special order delivery here. Are you Jim?
Yep! What've you got?
Let's see... 5000 square yards of black velvet with pentagrams, seven barrels of red clay mud, $300 worth of lengerie, and a pack of camels.
That's the animals, not cigarettes, right?
Of course. Our company doesn't condone smoking.
Yeah. Nasty habit.

 

by Scyess
6-07-10
Looks like that rash is getting worse, Jon. Did you see a doctor?
All he did was lay me on the ground and wipe his feet on me.
Uh, are you sure he was a real dermatologist?
Yes, he... wait, a what?
A dermatologist. Who did you go to, then?
A doormatologist.

 

by Scyess
6-10-10
... "machine wash separately" ... "machine wash separately" ... "hand wash separately" ... "machine wash cool, separtely" ...
HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO MY LAUNDRY WHEN I HAVE TO WASH EVERYTHING ONE AT A TIME!!!
I wasn't aware you ever changed the clothes you're wearing now.
Well, now you know why.

 

by Scyess
6-10-10
Hey, I heard you're doing laundry.
Indeed I am.
Would you mind throwing some of my bras and panties in with your clothes?
When he recovers, I'll ask him to pick me up a box of tampons.

 

by Scyess
6-10-10
Jon asked me which James Bond movie Pussy Galore was in, but I couldn't remember. Do you know?
He asked me, too. I told him to look it up on the internet.
You told Jon to look up "Pussy Galore" on the Internet?
I guess I know why we haven't seen him for a few days.
And why we were suddenly out of Kleenex.

 

by Scyess
9-27-10
I think I've held up pretty well over the years. I've... wait, what is that there?
What the... HOLY CRAP!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
What the hell is Jon doing in the bathroom?
It sounds like he just found his first gray hare.

 

by Scyess
4-07-11
My dad thinks I should join the army. But I feel obliged to tell you... I'm gay.
That's fine.
Uh, wait... don't I have to stay out now?
No. We're cool with it. We even issue fishnets and garter belts standard to new recruits.
DAMN YOU, OBAMA ADMINISTRATION!!
What the hell are you wearing on your legs?

 

by Scyess
4-07-11
Jon, I had a terrible thought... what if... what if there is no God?
It's hardly a tragedy. In that case there probably never was one, so life will pretty much go on as it always has.
...so you will never get laid?
THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY TR- no, probably not.

 

by Scyess
4-07-11
Gee, Jim. How long have we known each other?
If you're asking that, then long enough for you to run out of interesting things to say.
Guess what, Cowdjinn. Jim implied that at some point I had interesting things to say!
I wish you'd've shared them with the rest of us.

 

We'd love to have you, Santa! Why don't you try Channukah this year?
Well... why not? He seems like a nice guy.
by Scyess, 12-08-11

 

by Scyess
1-07-14
One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in his bed he had been changed into a monstrous verminous bug.
What's happened to me?
Woah woah WOAH. This shit is way too cerebral for 2014. Try something else.
HOLY SHIT! THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST!!!
That's closer, but it's still technically a classic. Can you go even lower?
Um, Expelliarmus?

 

by Scyess
1-22-14
On January 22nd, 1771, Spain ceeded the Faulkland Islands to Britian.
Fine, you keep the goddamned things.
Righty-o.
Haha! Now you are British. Fetch me some tea.
CAW!
Okay, now I get why Spain didn't put up much of a fight.
Excuse me while I go found Argentina to peck annoyingly at your country over these islands for centuries.

Showing page 39.

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