All comics by Porternotes

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by Porternotes
4-25-15
What do you mean if the doctor wants to feel my testicles? Not everything can be discerned through a man's testicles.
Well, I didn't know. It seems like every standup comic has something to say about the doctor squeezing their balls.
How long have we known each other? When have I ever said to you "I don't think I'm feeling too well can you check my testicles for me?"
Just two nights ago.
I'm being serious.
How am I supposed to know the difference?

 

by Porternotes
4-25-15
Let's get the doctor in here so we can tell him I'm ok to go home.
Now hang on a minute. I want you to come home, but maybe we need to talk to the doctor about how you handle stress.
What are you talking about? I handle stress just fine. It was just a misunderstanding.
I know THIS situation was a misunderstanding, but you have to admit that you have been under stress lately.
Stressed? Me? What could I possibly be stressed about?
Maybe they can treat your excessive sarcasm.

 

by Porternotes
4-26-15
I have your husband's discharge papers in order. I just have a few questions for you. Have there been any recent changes in your life
Well, he recently started a new job. Our business is failing. My daughter is pregnant by a pot-smoking D-bag. Our home may be foreclosed. His family hates us. His daughter had a near-fatal infection..
...He stopped eating meat about 2 years ago. He stays up all night watching conspiracy documentaries. His son is in therapy and taking meds. My son is in trouble with the law. And we are broke.
Hmmmm...
So... about his diet...
I had a feeling we'd go in that direction.

 

by Porternotes
4-29-15
Well, everything checked out. Those chest pains you had were probably as a result of the anxiety you've been experiencing.
Yeah, I'm feeling better.
Good, good. I wrote a 'script for lorazepam...
No way, Doctor. I'm not one for pills.
It's a relaxant. So when you feel overwhelmed you can take one and it'll help calm you.
Give me my pills.

 

by Porternotes
4-30-15
Okay, if you will just sign his discharge papers…
Sure thing, Doctor.
There's one more thing that I wanted to ask you. It is about your vegan diet.
Okay, what would you like to know?
Just one thing: who, the hell, do you think you are?

 

by Porternotes
5-02-15
There's this guy, joshdobe, who mentioned Vegan Dad in one of his strips.
Really?! Are his strips pretty good?
Well, he and some of his work friends appear to create comics about each other.
That's cool! Are his strips any good?
Are there any Fritos left?

 

by Porternotes
5-02-15
You're mean!
What are you talking about?
What you said about that guy Josh-what's-his-face strips.
I'm not being mean. I'm just kidding around. Yeah, his strips are ok. They're kind of an inside joke between him and his friends.
I get it now. You don't want to admit that anybody can have funnier strips than you!
Totally untrue! IF somebody comes up with a funnier strip than Vegan Dad, I would be more than happy to give them the credit.

 

by Porternotes
5-02-15
That does it! I'm going to take some time today and I'm going to read over some of the other strips on the site. I love you honey, but you can't tell me that your strip is the funniest one on there.
Ok, suit yourself.
Two hours later...
There are some pretty funny strips. Some made me laugh out loud, even.
Yes, you're right. It really is my insecurity coming out. There are some very talented, funny people on the site. Way better than Vegan Dad.
But what's the deal with that Tobor character?
Stay away from him!

 

by Porternotes
5-02-15
It's been such a long time since I have worked at the shop, I hope that I can still remember how to make a drink!
I am sure that you're going to do just fine. I have to run some errands and I'll be right back. Call me if you get overwhelmed.
I understand you are so broke you had to take a job.

 

by Porternotes
5-02-15
Hello Frank, how have you been?
You ask me, but I don't think that you really want to know.
Well, I just...
If you really must know, I'm doing terribly. I was in the hospital. Arlo attempted to have me arrested. And even my dog, Jeffrey, won't look at me.
But even with all of that, I am here to help you.

 

by Porternotes
5-02-15
Frank, we are doing just fine. Thank you, we don't need your help.
I would say otherwise. I know that you were in the hospital recently for anxiety. And there's the chance that you may lose your house.
I don't know where you are getting your information from, but that is pretty private stuff.
I told you, I am a hacker. Information is never private from me.
Isn't there somebody else that you would find more interesting than us?
I also monitor Matthew, but he has a less vibrant sex life than the two of you.

 

by Porternotes
5-02-15
I would like to take this moment to interrupt this Vegan Dad strip on my own behalf.
In real life I am not the "loser" that he portrays me to be in this strip.
True, I haven't had a steady girlfriend in a number of years, and I do have some sexual dysfunction, and I have financial difficulties.
But I am quite accomplished. I am a published author. I create EDM music. I have been a single dad for many years.
In a dead-end job. With no future. And a horrible family life. And no prospects of having a companion.
kill me

 

by Porternotes
5-03-15
Where did those cupcakes in the back cooler come from?
Mariah from the bridal shop made them. She asked if we would sell them.
Cool! How much is her cut?
We sell them for $4 and she gets $2. And the beauty of it is that we don't pay her for what we don't sell.
What if, by some unforeseen circumstance the entire batch should get eaten BEFORE they make it out to the sales floor?
I hope you're proud of yourself.

 

by Porternotes
5-03-15
You know those cupcakes weren't even REMOTELY vegan, right?
Yes, I know...
There's eggs and milk and butter in the ingredients.
Yes, I know...
And you didn't even leave me any!
A-HA! The truth behind the outrage!

 

by Porternotes
5-03-15
Frank was here.
Are you serious?! When was this?
When you were running errands earlier. He's VERY concerned about our financial status.
Well, that's none of his concern.
I explained that to him. Oh, and also he complimented us on having a vibrant sex life.
Oh hell no!

 

by Porternotes
5-04-15
Here comes Frank.
You know, just a little while ago when you told me about what he said, I was pretty mad.
yeah?
Yeah, but now as I look at him limping and stumbling, all out of breath and on his last leg, I kind of feel sorry for him.
Wow, really?
He just better not piss me off.

 

by Porternotes
5-06-15
Hello Frank, How are you?
Terrible. I'm lonely and sick to my stomach. I'd just like to converse with your husband, if you don't mind.
You know what might make you feel better on both accounts?
I don't know if that is possible.
We have cupcakes for sale made by a single, beautiful young woman from the bridal shop next door.
How dare you.

 

by Porternotes
5-06-15
What is wrong with you?
I do NOT like to be up-sold. I do not want a cupcake. Don't I spend enough money in your shop? Now you want to up-sell me? How dare you treat me this way!
Up-sell you? I'm just telling you...
YOU don't tell me! YOU don't tell me anything. You don't talk to me me this way.
Interesting.
This is not going to end well...

 

by Porternotes
5-06-15
Ok, Frank, listen. I think you are misunderstanding me. I'm not up-selling you on a cupcake. I'm just telling you...
There you go again. Telling me. You don't TELL me ANYTHING. I am a grown man. You have no right to TELL ME anything.
Ok, I'm done. I actually was feeling pity towards you, but not anymore.I don't want to deal with you anymore.
I didn't even come in here to "deal" with you.
In my culture a man does not get TOLD anything by a woman.
I think you're in for a bit of a culture shock...

 

by Porternotes
5-06-15
I can't believe how you handled that situation earlier with Frank.
I really had hoped it would've gone differently, but he made the decision to be a bully, and I have no patience for bullies.
... and had he caught you on any other day?
Just his luck, I guess.
So, I could see how the victim possibly choked to death on a cupcake, but how do you suppose the other eleven cupcakes made their way into his rectum?
Dude was a freak.

 

by Porternotes
5-06-15
Guess what today is...
It's not another one of those Star Wars days, is it?
Nope. It marks ONE YEAR of Vegan Dad. Can you believe it, I've been making these strips for a complete year. I might even have a couple of fans.
In that case, I want to go on record as saying that I did NOT really kill Frank. It was only make believe. Fantasy. A work of fiction.
...riiiiiiiiiight...
Happy One Year Anniversary!

 

by Porternotes
5-07-15
I'm not living up to my full potential.
You're young. You're just getting started.
It sure has taken a while to get some traction.
Maybe you need to find your passion.
hmmmm....
No.... we've got to get up early.

 

by Porternotes
5-10-15
Do you think I'm going to be a good mom?
I think you have the potential to be a good mom.
How did you do it?
I learned what to do and what NOT to do by watching your grandma and great-grandma.
That seams reasonable.
And I joined the wine-of-the-month club.

 

by Porternotes
5-10-15
I can't wait until I have a baby bump.
Don't rush it, you'll have one soon enough.
I'm going to stand over here, will you take my photo for Facebook?
yes, but you don't have anything to show yet.
If I stick my stomach out like this you can see... oops! sorry.
Did you just fart?

 

by Porternotes
5-11-15
Don't rush your pregnancy. You have an amazing experience ahead of you.
Like getting fat and hemorrhoids and swollen feet?
There's that, but there's also the glow.
And the cramps and the mood swings.
You're right. It mostly sucks.
I can't bake this baby fast enough.

 

by Porternotes
5-11-15
What she doesn't understand is that things only get harder the further along you get in pregnancy.
hmmm...
And just when you can't stand it anymore, you give birth.
hmmm...
And then there's the whole mucus plug...
Ok, I'm out of here..

 

by Porternotes
5-11-15
You know, I went through two pregnancies. I'm not really that skittish about the process.
It can be scary the first time around, though.
As long as Travis is attentive and rubs her lower back and feet, that'll help.
Yeah?
Sure. Keep her comfortable and relaxed.
I wish I'd had my kids with YOU instead of A-hole.

 

by Porternotes
5-11-15
You know we have "yours" and "mine"...
...maybe we should give it a shot for "ours".
You remember that I had a vasectomy, right?

 

by Porternotes
5-11-15
Aren't you the least bit curious to see what a child of our own would be like?
Not enough to undergo the pain and humiliation of a reversal surgery.
Not even for me?
Sorry, honey, but it was the single-most horrific medical procedure I'd undergone.
I really IS all about you.
Did I ever tell you about how they tape "it" up and out of the way?

 

by Porternotes
5-11-15
I'm sure that we would have a beautiful, smart, talented child together.
But we would also be starting over again in our forties. I don't think we could do it.
You're right, you're right...
You can get your baby fix with the new grandchild.
I'm going to steal her.

 

by Porternotes
5-12-15
What if I did this as a full-time thing?
What?
Vegan Dad. The 'strip. What if I really worked it out into something I could shop around?
Like for a newspaper?
Yeah.
Well, you'd have to make it funny.

 

by Porternotes
5-13-15
The boy says he wants to go to camp this Summer.
That is a great idea. Living in a stinky bunk-house. Outdoor activities. Character building. Roughing it!
Well, sorta. The brochure he gave me is for computer camp.
Computer camp?! That's not roughing it!
Actually, it is... Look here.
"All campers are required to exclusively use MySpace."

 

by Porternotes
5-14-15
Well, my personal leave is up, I've got to go back to work.
You going to be all right? Do you need one of your pills?
No, I'm not taking a pill. I'm going to be just fine.
Remember to take deep breaths and drink plenty of water.. Here's your lunch.
You've got this, honey. I'm proud of you! I know you can do it!
Did you try to hide a pill in my PB&J?

 

by Porternotes
5-14-15
I didn't really flip out. It was just a misunderstanding.
I'll be fine. I've gotten rest and learned some relaxation techniques.
I'm saying this out loud...

 

by Porternotes
5-15-15
Rest in Peace, B.B. King

 

by Porternotes
5-17-15
We are SO happy to have you back. How are you feeling?
I'm good. Rested. Had a lot of things hit me at once, but life can be like that.
Oh, for sure! The important thing is that you're back at it. Never give up, I say!
Yeah.... about that...
You WHAT?!

 

by Porternotes
5-17-15
I quit. I walked in and I quit. I don't want to be there, so I quit.
We needed your steady paycheck.
I understand, but it was killing me to be there.
This is the "for richer or poorer" part, I guess.

 

by Porternotes
5-17-15
I guess we'll figure it out.
I have a renewed interest in the coffee shop. I really missed being here.
We really need to boost sales, then.
I have some great ideas on how to do that. Real "attention getters"!
You aren't planning anything involving jugglers or fire breathers, are you?
No! No, no, no..... excuse me I need to make a couple of quick calls.

 

by Porternotes
5-17-15
The scuttlebutt at Lands' End is that you quit.
I did.
Man, I envy you. I hate it there too. I wish I could just walk. But my rent and obligation to my daughter keeps me there.
I have a mortgage and we have four kids and a grand-baby on the way. I still quit.
...always gotta one-up me...
Want to see the bill from my little ER visit?

 

by Porternotes
5-17-15
I couldn't go there anymore. The paycheck was not enough to balance my health.
I get it, really. How do you plan to get the numbers up here, though?
Oh, I've got some ideas. Some real "attention-grabbers".
What, lame shit like fire-breathers and jugglers?
...um, no.
No way! You were totally gonna do that?! Man, what a joke!

 

by Porternotes
5-18-15
Look, this is my business. If I want to promote it with acrobats and performers, I will.
If you have ideas, by all means promote your OWN business your own way.
But unless you have something supportive to say, don't say ANYTHING.
Lands' End really did a number on you.

 

by Porternotes
5-18-15
You're here all the time. When you think back, what was it that brought you in the coffee shop?
The Facebook page. And the fair trade Guatemalan.
Ok, so what keeps you coming back day after day?
Um... The scenery.
If you are referring to my wife's breasts, I'm going to scald your face.
Can you use the fair trade Guatemalan?

 

by Porternotes
5-19-15
Ew... Gross. I'm never going to wait on him again.
I don 't know how you can avoid it. He's there every day.
You know what's most offensive?
He doesn't even tip that well.
I don't want you to figure out how to get more.

 

by Porternotes
5-21-15
Wisconsin 1988
Ever since we moved here, I don't have any friends. Nobody likes me, and I have no friends.
Oh honey, I don't know why. You are such a great guy!
Wisconsin 2015
Ever since I've lived here, I don't have any friends. Nobody likes me, and I have no friends.
Oh honey, I don't know why. You are such a great guy!
Wisconsin 2068
Nobody showed up to his funeral.
I don't know why. He was such a great guy!

 

by Porternotes
5-22-15
Look over there. That neighbor has a Mexican gardener.
I'm not so sure...
What the Hell... I'm an average middle-class white man? Where's MY Mexican Gardner?
He's not the gardener, he LIVES in that house.
I know that... I was being funny.
Not really.

 

by Porternotes
5-22-15
If I start a real comic strip, I have to change the name.
Why is that?
There's a guy who writes blogs who calls himself "Vegan Dad".
Is the blog any good?
It's all recipes as far as I can see.They look good.
I'd keep it the same until the lawyers show up.

 

by Porternotes
5-22-15
Well, it's really less about being vegan, and more about other circumstances in our lives.
So what new name are you going to use?
Well, it should be something that reflects the major character and his views.
ok...
I'm thinking "Vegan DILF".
How about "Delusions of Grandeur".

 

by Porternotes
5-22-15
How about this one: Dad and Co.?
Dad and Co.? Co. like Company?
Yeah, like my crew. My team. My support structure.
What about: Jerkface and Co.
I can see you aren't going to take this seriously.

 

by Porternotes
5-23-15
Why don't you put the name change up to your fans?
I only have six followers.
That's it? I thought you were more popular.
Yeah, that's it.
Obviously you don't really need to worry about the other Vegan Dad finding out about you anytime soon.

 

by Porternotes
5-23-15
Hey! I read your recent Vegan Dad strips. You need to clear something up.
What's that?
You make me out, sometimes to be pretty mean. I'm not that mean. You need to make that clear.
Ok, I'll make one to set the record straight.
Good.... jerkface.

Showing page 4.

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