All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
12-29-03
We're back. Another story arc must have ended.
Funny thing, at first I didn't mind less speaking parts, but now I'm feeling a bit slighted.
Anyway, heard from Chuck....he'll be back next week. I asked where he had been and he told me to "Ask Billy." Strange guy....
Well we've got bigger problems right now...
"....Bick has decided to run for President."
I'm glad you all made it to my press conference. Sorry for the delay....had to catch the last few minutes of Hamtaro.

 

by Ranger77
12-30-03
The press conference continues....
Anybody who wants to be President should have leadership skills, of course, but good old fashioned knowledge is also important. You have to know whats going on.
Bick, how do you feel about Dean?
He's a friend of mine. Granted times have been tough for him since the "Lois and Clark" thing. I think he's doing some show on TBS now...
Uh....Bick, I was referring to Howard Dean, not Dean Cain.
Howard Dean? Hmm...don't know that one. What series was he in?
You have GOT to be kidding. Please say you are...

 

by Ranger77
12-31-03
More from the press conference. As you might have guessed its not going well....
Yes, I do have problems with the current administration.
I believe the war in Iraq is a smokescreen to cloud the inability to catch one individual who has caused alot of pain in this country.
Yes, I'm referring to none other than the diabolical hacker who stole the source code for Half-Life 2....
Be afraid...be very afraid.

 

by Ranger77
1-01-04
MEMORANDUM: We would like the Spam W0rld cast to do something commemorating the New Year. Make it happen. - Bick
You read the memo. What ya got for me?
Working....
"Girls from the Orient Scewing & Sucking!"
Scewing? What is...?
Get the front office to increase my salary and you'll get spell checking, otherwise, you get "scewed."

 

by Ranger77
1-02-04
So are there any more questions?
Just one....your press kit says you're married but we cannot find any records supporting that.
Well actually, my Everquest character got married in 2002.
Uh....pardon me for asking this, but should an online game marriage really count?
I consider it an alternative lifestyle actually...
This is a joke, right? Am I being Punk'd...?

 

by Ranger77
1-03-04
Somebody has to tell Bick he's embarrasing himself with this election stuff.
You have to admit it's pretty ambitious.
He's a 27 year old billionaire. What more does he want?
Come on Bernie, who are we to take away his dream? The press conference didn't go that badly did it?
"Stop those drunk redneck teenagers from tipping them over and pissing them off" was his solution for containing Mad Cow disease in the US.
Somebody has to tell that idiot he's embarrasing himself with this election stuff....

 

by Ranger77
1-03-04
Bill recieved 245 emails TODAY.
And now here's Bill with the local news!
244 were spam. The remaining one was a warning from Hotmail that he was over his storage quota.
are you still single? are you well endowed? , these insane twins want your body!
Bill is quite mad.
Uh....we, um, seem to be having some technical problems....
Watch Paris Get Slammed. Splooge on her face. call me!

 

by Ranger77
1-05-04
"So Trevor, as Bick's Campaign Manager how would you say things are going?"
Not bad. The beginning is always a difficult time. Right now I'm checking on how we're doing in the media.
"Often political opponents result in 'mudslinging' and embarrasing revelations to hurt a candidates chances. Any worries?"
Nope. Bick's a geek. What could they have on him?
This just in....Democratic candidate Bick Smith's "online" marriage is to actually to a man.
Oh. Shit.
Chad Stubbins of East Orange, NJ has come forward to admit HE is Glenda Woodfern, Smith's elven virtual EverQuest bride....

 

by Ranger77
1-07-04
"Wow, Trevor. This is...unique. As Bick's Campaign Manager how do you intend to address the situation?"
Shit.
Stubbins, a 7-11 assistant manager and part time drag queen said he felt compelled to come forward.
"Trevor....?"
Shit!
"Even though our relationship was entirely online, I felt the people needed to know. No, he didn't know my true gender, but we had many, many touching moments."
SHIT! SHIT SHIT!
Stubbins denied the revelation was made to publicize a book he intends to write called "The Bicky I Knew" or his upcoming audition on American Idol.

 

by Ranger77
1-08-04
So then I got this email that claimed they could refinance my house at 2.5%....
Dude you didn't. That was Spam. What was the return email address?
uxxergdyak00@yahoo.com but the reply link on the email had .ru at the end of it.
So you sent all your personal financial information to an unknown guy in Russia.
It's called Globalization. Get into the 21st century, dude. Besides I scored some herbal viagra as well for responding quickly.
Good. Then maybe you'll have one organ in your body thinking on its own.

 

by Ranger77
1-10-04
"In light of Bick's recent campaign crisis, we get a rare look inside a political damage control session...."
Bick, bubbie, you didn't know it was a guy?!
Come on....how was I to know. She...he said all the right things. I kinda loved her.
Him, Bick it was a Him. Forget about that crap and we'll go on the offensive and trash this guy's credibility. I've already got people looking into his past.
Trevor. Be truthful, how is this affecting public opinion.
It's hard to say. You've lost the endorsement of Christian Gamers United, Otakus for Peace and the Natalie Portman Fanboy Alliance. You picked up points with the Star Wars Galaxies' Dancers Union.
Right. Time to go on the offensive.

 

by Ranger77
1-12-04
You're gonna love this one. Try to follow Bick's logic here. Some guy pretends he's a girl online....
Ok....
....So he obviously has something to hide, especially if he's out to secure the affections of a presidential candidate.
Uh-oh. I think I see where this is going.
This just in. Gamer Chad Stubbins was detained by the FBI today on terrorism charges. Film at 11.

 

by Ranger77
1-13-04
Trevor, this is insane. You just can't have people arrested because they embarrased your candidate.
He impersonated someone he wasn't. It was just like buying a fake ID.
Nonsense. The law shouldn't be used detain people arbitrarily or to further personal or political gain.
Look bubbie, we've got the Patriot Act, the DCMA, the Grand Jury system....should I go on?
You know they developed a laser that cuts cheese at the University of Wisconsin.
Yeah, I heard about that. I wonder how well it does with Havarti.

 

by Ranger77
1-15-04
Every now and then, a day goes by and you don't get any Spam. It makes you wonder....
*yawn*
....Did that spammer's ISP finally get a clue. Was he or she hit by a bus. So many appealing possibilities.
Of course then reality sets in....
ASIAN Delights at SinSushi.com!!!

 

by Ranger77
1-16-04
Chad Stubbins, the Everquest gamer arrested for portraying himself as a woman was released late yesterday without being charged.
Stubbins said he felt 'hurt' and 'betrayed' by Democratic candidate Bick Smith whom he suspects of influencing his arrest which brought protests from the ACLU and many activist groups.
Can this get any more insane than it already is?
"I'm glad to see that in the end justice was done," Stubbins said. His online character is now availible on eBay for a starting price of $50,000. Stubbins' agent was unavailable for comment.

 

by Ranger77
1-18-04
Could you repeat that for me please?
Sure. SENDER: Temp Fucker SUBJECT: Hello miss I need you to file my cock!
Believe it or not I was caught off guard by that one myself.

 

by Ranger77
1-21-04
It seems Bick didn't even place in Iowa.
I guess they don't look kindly at same sex, online gaming marriages there.
I hear he's trying to get more media exposure but Letterman, Leno, Conan and Kimmel turned him down.
Wow. You know maybe he should....
Forget it. TechTV blew him off too.
Well that's just about rock bottom I would say.

 

by Ranger77
1-24-04
Listen. I promise I won't accept spam again. I promise ok?
Good, because that last one.....
SUBJ: See why my nickname is "Stuffed"
I'm going to have to hurt you now.
SUBJ: Loving and licking in group carpet-munching!

 

by Ranger77
1-26-04
"After scandal and their stunning defeat in Iowa, Presidential Candidate Bick Simth's campaign team regroups...."
Mistakes were made. We know that now. Bick is redoubling his efforts to regain momentum.
Ummm....that implies he had "momentum" in the first place.
Yes. Well, among certain focus groups he did. We've actually enlisted a PR firm to help with our efforts.
Question....who in their right mind would undertake such a task?
Somewhere in Detroit....
We're back online, Director.
Indeed, Felkins. Indeed.

 

by Ranger77
1-27-04
I'm sorry Eddie. I had to destroy you. The Spamming was just too much. And too weird.
I will avenge you by taking my fight to the spammers. Adios. Rest In Peace.
How silkysmooth can her skin be? See Farm Girls Get Nasty! I like enormous schlong!!

 

by Ranger77
1-27-04
Somewhere near Detroit.....
Director, I must say I have some misgivings about our new role.
Go on....
We're a shadowy agency specializing in covert activities. Why are we doing political campaign consulting?
It was time we became legitimate. I actually began to feel remorse for our evil deeds. Now is the time for redemption and working for a common good.
They're paying us a shitload of money aren't they.
Yes, Felkins. A shitload.

 

by Ranger77
1-29-04
I finally did it sensei. I killed my PC out of mercy. I will now hunt spammers.
Ah yes, young one. But did you rip out its processor and bury it separately to honor the time it was online without spam?
Well...no. Is that important?
HERBAL VIAGRA! MILFS! REFINANCE NOW, BITCHES!!

 

by Ranger77
1-30-04
We really didn't do too well in New Hampshire did we?
Not exactly. We did move up from being five rankings under Al Sharpton to four.
Al who?
Never mind. The point is we made progress!
Great! Can I start talking about creating a federally funded Stargate research program now?
Ah...no.

 

by Ranger77
1-31-04
I screwed up didn't I?
Yes. When "Eddie" was your computer even though you received spam, you had some control over him. Now he is connected directly to the Internet and mobile.
No Anti-Virus...no filtering....he would be unstoppable.
Yes, I'm afraid no PC is safe from his influence now....
Great Scott.....I've been infected....!
"The message contains Unicode characters and has been sent as a binary attachment." BWAH-HAHAHAHA....God you're dumb!!

 

by Ranger77
2-01-04
Somewhere near Detroit....Trevor meets with his "new" consultants.
We've been doing some statistical analysis and have come to a few conclusions. One: Bick will lose horribly.
Ok. Can you turn on a light in here or something?
No. Two: You know he will lose. And Three: You're doing this for tax breaks, perks, personal gain, etc. Classic Nader, Sharpton stuff. You're not being honest with the voters.
Uh....yes. Is that going to be a problem?
Not really, it just means we have to bill you at a higher rate.
Not a problem. Donations are actually up this week....

 

by Ranger77
2-01-04
Hold evil doer! I am Captain Justice and I will stop your spam and viral tainted villainy.
What the....?
Yes, now you fear the cleansing hand of Justice! Surely you realize you cannot win against....
your manhood. how to get it bigger, or if its possible....that you got it bigger!
Really? Well I guess I could at least take a look at the email. I mean just reading it won't hurt....
Like a short old guy in a Dodge Viper, superheros are always trying to compensate for something. Heh-heh.

 

by Ranger77
2-04-04
An emergency press conference....Bick's in trouble again.
Despite results in various state primaries, Bick Smith will continue his quest for the Democratic nomination.
Trevor, don't you think Bick is feeling the pressure.
A little, but he's the CEO of a major corporation . He's encountered pressure before.
In South Carolina last night he hiked up one side of his shirt and asked "Is this what you want to see!"
Bick's isn't...ah....accustomed to alcohol.
He's not a singer either. Was it really that wise to start singing "Rythmn Nation" ?

 

by Ranger77
2-06-04
There he is. Your environmental suit will protect you from his influence.
I'll give it a shot. I'm confident he'll listen to reason and stop spamming everyone. We have to push for a peaceful solution.
(Yes, an actual spam subject line received this week.) - R77
I like to F*ck Da Butt!!
Didn't work huh?
Nope. You'll have to fry the little bastard.

 

by Ranger77
2-08-04
And now, a very special episode....
J A N E T - J A C K S ON - E X P O S E D - >Adults Only<
Get bent. I don't do crossovers.
What the fuck, Trevor. You said they were on board for this.

 

by Ranger77
2-09-04
Can you actually believe they wanted me to do a Spam W0rld strip. They're lucky I didn't fry that Spam-ghostie whatever the hell that was.
It's Trevor. He's so involved in Bick's campaign that its affecting the scripts.
So what's this new mandate.....clean up dangling plot lines?
He claims we have some tales that are still unfinished and we should use those as filler.
Umm...like "the lingering transforming effects of dimensional rift energy" gimmick.
Yep.

 

by Ranger77
2-10-04
I've tried to stop him, Sensei. Eddie's rampage continues.
Yes, I was afraid of that young one....
"The superhero, Captain Justice has been neutralized...."
....must find Milfs.....must enlarge manhood....
....Now is the time to get an equity loan....!
"....and so far, I'm told he has caused over 45 sexual harassment lawsuits...."
**Giant trouser worms. Where do you live?**
eek!

 

by Ranger77
2-11-04
"When we last saw Eugene, our systems administrator, he had made the mistake of fooling around with a particle beam which changed his appearance slightly."
So where is he now, you may ask?
Unfortunately when D&G took over they outsourced his job overseas. Strangely enough he followed....
Somewhere in Pakistan....
Alright...who wrote 'imperialist infidel' on a sticky note and left it on my monitor?!
Hey. Bone-boy. You parked your camel in my space again.

 

by Ranger77
2-12-04
Ok, the situation is bad. I screwed up. So what now?
To fight the evil spammer that was once your PC, you must transform yourself.
Transform my...HEY!
Wait for it....
Oh, now this is just plain silly.
Don't knock it. The suit is made out of pure Industrial Hemp. Alot of my fellow monks...ummm...worked on it.

 

by Ranger77
2-14-04
"Eugene, you don't seem to have any bad feelings about your job being outsourced to Pakistan."
Actually, its been interesting. Through my superior skills as a systems administrator, the locals respect me for my talent.
....Working....
"So no religious conflicts, then?"
No. That was taken care of when I told them of my belief in the divinity of Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi.
....Working....
"They're keeping you around for comic relief, aren't they?"
Hey, the path of the Jedi is full of challenges.
.....your download "X-Booty: Xavier Gets His Freak On" is ready sir....May the Force be With You.....

 

by Ranger77
2-15-04
Look, I just want to stop this ghost of my computer from spamming everyone.
You will, young one. The only way is to beat him at his own game. To fight on his terms.
Ok I'm lost. Enlighten me.
You must engage in combat by trading outrageous subject lines with him until you wear him down. It is called....
Aw man, don't say it.....
Yes. The art of Spam-Fu. The Way of the Remailer. (It's amazing how I can deliver these lines with a straight face.)

 

by Ranger77
2-18-04
Last Fall, we did a bit with our corporate lawyer Biel Z. Bubb and his wife Britney.
It had a overdone sitcom-like quality: the corporate lawyer, his activist wife and their relationship.
So.... let's check in and see what's up with them now.
We present a very serious tale regarding an issue that affects every married couple in modern day America....
Honey, I just had a great idea. Let's go catch a movie!
Shit. Here we go.

 

by Ranger77
2-19-04
The art of Spam-Fu is based on "out-weirding" the other guy. They throw a subject line at you, you respond with an even more vulgar, weird or funny one. Got it? Good. Let's practice.
I'm ready.
Subj: funbags, melons, knockers -- boobyzone.com
Uhh....buy this....uhh....thing I have for sale?
You're kidding, right?
Buy this SEXY thing I have for sale?

 

by Ranger77
2-22-04
When you're married, "movietime" tends to be more controversial....
Action movies are all the same. Big chested women in skin tight suits and guys in sunglasses, with big guns. I would like to see something more original.
*sigh* Okay. What do you want to see?
It's a romantic comedy about a ordinary girl who falls in love with a rich businessman and becomes part of his life by pretending to be something she's not.
*ulp* heh heh. BWAHAHAHAHA!
I don't see what's so funny.
Typically, neither does the audience. BWAHAHAHAHAHA......!

 

by Ranger77
2-23-04
Meanwhile at the Miss Internet pagent....
So tell me Cindy you're a Helpdesk analyst from Ohio: Why should you be Miss Internet?
Well, I'm good with people, I love animals and the color purple. I also have an amazing little secret.
A secret? Sounds intriguing. What is it pray tell?
Well it's like this: I crave dark sausage!! Backseat Boinkers!
Ahhhh!
My tongue on her....Licking for lettuce! Boat to tuna town!

 

by Ranger77
3-05-04
Movietime! (maybe...)
Ok, this one is about three generations of women who...
No. How about this an ex-cop and a beautiful....
Nope. You have to like this....set in the 1800's this film examines....
Are you kidding? This sounds cool...supernatural creatures with hi-tech weapons must fight for....
Hold on. That sounds like one of your family reunions.
Ooh....Now that was below the belt.

 

by Ranger77
3-05-04
y purch-ase software at high c.ost? we sell chea-p fastnacht love!
Dude, are you that thing going around spamming everyone? If you are, you're pretty lame.
Ummm...booo?
That's weak, man. Real weak. Now, do you want to see something real scary?
Moral: Drink more Classic Coke!
Aaargh!
Subj: My tool streched Lisa out! Subj: Stop Smoking in 7 Days! Subj: Give her unlimited orgasms! Now stay outta my territory you wannabe wanker!

 

by Ranger77
3-06-04
Sounds like you two had a hard time picking a movie you both liked.
No one is completely compatible. Marriage is about compromise. So that's what we did.
You saw the chick flick didn't you?
Yes, but I get to keep my subscription to Maxim.

 

by Ranger77
3-08-04
For weeks he's been training, mastering the dark art of Spam Fu to stop Eddie his former friend, now a spamming ghost terrorist.
Subj: I lost my V.irginity last night.....Super Deep inspections....In the backdoor.
It's time.
Do you have a small p.enis? BWAH-HA-HAHAHAHA!

 

by Ranger77
3-10-04
"Well Chuck, since Trevor will be working on Bick's presidential campaign, we brought in a replacement. She's pretty impressive."
A new chick, eh? Cool. Helena won't give me the time of day since she found out that I'm not Billy.
"Can you blame her? Your alter-ego was pretty smooth. You never really struck me as being style conscious. You know a chick magnet and all that."
Come on dude, the ladies love this dangerous rebel stuff. Three Altoids and a shot of schnapps and she's, like, mine.
*ahem*
"I take it you know each other?"
Aww...Dammit!
The "new chick" is here mint-boy. BTW, your fly is open.

 

by Ranger77
3-11-04
Ah. I've expected you. My student is ready to fight you and now, like any good villian, you must kill his mentor. I will not go quietly.
You may strike me down, but I will become more powerful than anything you...
Dude, chill. Someone told me you has some DVD bootlegs.
I see...I've got Return of The King on special right now, 12.99.
I'll take it. You got Starsky and Hutch yet?

 

by Ranger77
3-14-04
Ok. Great. You're here AND you're my boss. You must be really obsessed with me to do all this.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on. You, like, followed me from the Valley of Misfit Ideaologues. Admit it. You're interested in me.
Ok...I'm interested in you as one who be interested in a scab on their arm that they can't help picking at.
You really know how to make a guy feel good.
It's a hobby.

 

by Ranger77
3-15-04
You have killed my Sensei. Now you must die.
Uhh....if you're talking about that monk he's at the Starbuck's across the street probably selling more bootleg DVDs.
You disgrace his memory. Now you must die.
I'll disgrace more than that if he doesn't give a refund on that Hellboy disc. It was just the trailer over and over again.
You're reign of terror is over.
HEL-LO. Am I talking to myself here?

 

by Ranger77
3-16-04
Well, I guess I can can live with you being my new boss. You did help me out in the Valley.
Maybe it will be good to have a stable, normal person around here to balance the weirdness. This place is, like, a surreal mess sometimes.
I'm sorry did you just say something?
Nope.

 

by Ranger77
3-16-04
Prepare to fight.
You really think you can beat me in Spam combat. Bring it on!
My rug is bushy. Enormous schlong bang. MILFer women get boinked!
Is that all you got!! Premium AnalSexx action..She took my whole schlong. Dark meat and pink fish!

 

by Ranger77
3-16-04
You what?!
I cancelled Spam W0rld. Just pulled the plug mid-story. Kinda sinister actually.
You sure that was a good idea?
Bick's campaigning and I just hired a new Media Director. It's time for a little payback. Besides it's the 200th comic. It was either that or kill off Eugene.
Some would have chosen the latter. I sense a power grab here.
Yep....must be all that fish I've been eating lately. Hung like penguin, strong like BULL!

Showing page 4.

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