All comics by Screwball

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by Screwball
11-11-04
Since you won't listen to me, I hired a bodyguard
A BODYGUARD???
Well, let's have it...who'd you hire??
Look behind you...
You cannot be fucking serious.
So when's the first hoedown??

 

by Screwball
11-11-04
Look, Bo Duke, let's get something straight. I go to the bar, you get lost, understand?
No, my orders are to protect you no matter what.
Arrgh!
How much are you payin' me for this again?
You'll see after I pay you. By the way, would you take a check?

 

by Screwball
11-12-04
So how'd it go??
Don't fall asleep tonight...

 

by Screwball
11-12-04
It was that bad, huh?
We get to @mosphere, and we go in...
So far, so good...
It was all going well until they started playing "In Da Club" by 50 Cent...
And he starts doing the TEXAS TWO-STEP TO THE SONG!!
Twan, you might have scarred the boy for life...

 

by Screwball
11-12-04
Hahahaahaahahaa...I have you for eternity, Neal!!
Aww...shit!!
Now bend over and ask "Who's your daddy!"
I wish I wasn't here!!
Neal, wake up...you're having a bad dream! You were calling out Craig's name!!
Thank you, Jesus!

 

by Screwball
11-12-04
Hahahaahaahahaa...I have you for eternity, Neal!!
Aww...shit!!
Now bend over and ask "Who's your daddy!"
I wish I wasn't here!!
Neal, wake up...you're having a bad dream! You were calling out Craig's name!!
Thank you, Jesus!

 

by Screwball
11-12-04
Jazi, let's go to bed...
Right...get the whipped cream...
This is why people never do anything around me
AAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDD NOW, Ladies and Gentlemen...behind this curtain...

 

by Screwball
11-12-04
Listen, babe, I'm like, really sorry about not paying attention to you..
Neal...that's okay...
That's one hot chick! Say, baby, your headlights are on!
This is hopeless...

 

by Screwball
11-13-04
Hah, An' whelcome ta tha uhniverhcity a Ghorga sheminar on hhowh ta git inta politks
Taday ya lerahn howa ta bechome a pholiticiahn. Ya knowh th ghys wh' walk behhindd tha hhorshe-drawhn charriage an' shweep uhp tha shit? Nhow imaghin pikin et uhp an' pohppin et ento ya mout'
Thahat's Politiks.
GET OFF THE STAGE!

 

by Screwball
11-13-04
Sho wheen ya enta politks,ahlways khep en mhynd thhat ehvery mhove ya mhake chould bey ya lasht.
lak fa exahmple, takh my frhn' Mista Pachkawood
U.S. shenator, an' hay ha' ta rhun arouhnd thakin ohf hiz phantz...
Mr.Gingrich, would you PLEASE get off the stage before the National Guard "accidentally" shoots you???

 

by Screwball
11-14-04
Sho bhak en tha yher 2000 whe ha' a preshidenshal elcketion thhat whe wohn...
An' weh shet ahn ahl-tihm rechorfd thhat hhashnt bhen eeequald shince
weh'v stohlen mhore freehdomes thhean ahny otter ahdminihtratiohn en hishtorhy
Mr.Gingrich, I'm calling the police and tell them you're a crazy man with a gun.

 

by Screwball
11-15-04
Twan, whatever happened with you and Angel??
What do you think??
Inside Joke.
Still haven't fucked her? Everybody else has.
Fuck yourself.

 

by Screwball
11-15-04
Twan, you need something that'll help you score with the ladies...
Something that'll guarentee you a night of pleasure
Another of Jesse's and mine inside jokes
Game??
Better deodorant.

 

by Screwball
11-15-04
Sometimes I think about how lonely I am, and0 why I'm so lonely.
Then I console myself...
I've got more porn than anyone I know.
Whenever I talk to you, everytime I think you've hit bottom, you throw me a shovel.

 

by Screwball
11-15-04
Rhap es ehvil ta bothhe tha ehars an' the eyhs. Phay atenthon.
But Mr.Gingrich, Rap generates well over a billion dollars on record sales alone, not to mention concerts and tours.
Lak ah whas shayin, Rap ish ohn a da bes' thins ta eva happen ta tha U.S. Chak ouht mah rapha shong...
Class, let's thank Mr.Gingrich for his lecture and leave, the snipers are in position.

 

by Screwball
11-18-04
Most people have ways of getting laid
Most guys have a good pickup line or make themselves look nice...
I stand in the corner and look so pathetic someone feels sorry for me and takes me home...
Since you seem to be deaf, read the sign.

 

by Screwball
11-18-04
Dawny, I've made a decision
If I let you out of hell, you have to take Newt along with you.
Couldn't I just take Jeff instead?
Sorry, Jeff says he likes it down here. We supply him with all the John Holmes porn tapes.
Looks like I'm going to be here forever...

 

by Screwball
11-18-04
Laylani, why is it that I never get laid when I want to?
You mean you haven't figured it out yet?
Because of how I carry myself, right?
No, because you only look like a serial killer.
It only looks that way because I'm a cereal killer..
This only looks like a fist heading toward your eye...

 

by Screwball
11-18-04
Twan, I have great news!
So do I, but you go ahead
I'm going on a date with Josh!
I was going to ask her if she'd go on a date with me.
What's your good news?
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico...

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
The Wisconsin Badgers basketball team has a player named Brian Butch.
One of the best rappers in the game is named Nelly.
Someone wake up the religious right...the gays have begun to take over America.

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
This line to get into Star Wars Episode 300 is kind of long...
I know.
I wonder if she wants me to hold her hand...
If you even think about touching me, you'll spend the rest of your life with your thumb up your ass.

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
Must act mature...Must act mature
HEY! BUBBLE WRAP!! LET'S POP IT!!
I thought Matt was bad, and Mike was an inbred...you are BY FAR the biggest loser I've ever been out with.

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
Twan, have you ever considered being straight??
Might I ask why?
Well...when was the last time you were with a woman??
Last night.
Really??
Yeah...I gave her a terrific blowjob.

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
Snake, what would you say...
This better not be one of your weird sex things.
It's not, but what if I were to tell you that I want to have sex with a girl, and a genetic girl at that??
Credit to the best horror movie of all time
The Power of Christ compels you!

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
(sigh) I was just thinking to myself...I guess it hopeless to try to change Neal
Hello, Lexi...
I know that voice...
Of course, tis I, the prince of Darkness
No, I thought you were Gilbert Gottfried.

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
Lexi, I can reform Neal for you...but the price is your immortal soul, and it's mine for good
And if I refuse??
Then you end up falling for this guy.
Hey, baby, let's go burn down a Cracker Barrel while fucking like minks and listening to Sex Pistols!!

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
So Craig wants my soul, but I get Neal for all eternity, and I'm wondering what I should do..
Jeff??
I'mmmmmmm...Naked!!
Well, this was a great idea...
I think I'll go down and tease the racehorses again about still having my CAB!! 8-X!

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
There's a lot of pitfalls being associated with gay bars
The old men in the corner, knowing life passed them by, and the hustlers...and the trolls...And that one dark possibility...
Of going home with Carson Kressley.

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
Jazi, I've been thinking...We should move to the next level already.
Really? I've been saying that forever....
So what is the next level?
I thought you knew.

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
Neal, Craig wants my soul, but if I give it up, I'll have you forever.
Sure,babe, do what you feel is right.
HE CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!
Hey, babe, would you move that mirror over here? I want to see myself up close...and stand out of the way....
THAT FUCKING DOES IT!!

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
Craig, I can't do it...I realized I just don't love Neal enough to give my soul for him.
Hey, that's fine.
Excuse me? Wasn't there a bunch of stuff about forcing me to date Tim??
There was, but then...
Ron Artest's soul became avaliable at the perfect time.

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
When I was younger, I developed a reputation for being willing to do anything.
Of course, thanks to Jesse, I ended up sneaking into a backroom
And while he slipped out, I got stuck with two guys who think slapping is sexual.
BUT YOU STAYED!!

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
Twan, whatever happened with you and Lexi??
Nothing! And I'll thank you not to mock me!
Editors Note: The Lexi we're talking about is not the same Lexi involved with Neal
Still bugging you that I fucked her and you didn't?
Go to hell.

 

by Screwball
11-22-04
Awwwww, is poor Twan mad because I had a girlfriend while he was restricted to fucking his hand?
No.
No? So you're not mad that I got laid more than you did?
Jesse, let me remind you that that night at steamworks...
And yet, we're the best of friends...
I at least got laid. you spent the 6 hours walking around like a Zombie
Remember Angel? She needed surgery after I got done fucking her.

 

by Screwball
11-23-04
Luke, I think you should be a little careful how deep you go in with Jazi.
And I think you should mind your business.
Apparently you've forgotten something.What you and I have in common
You mean...??
The Wicked Witch of the West
You had to bring that up!

 

by Screwball
11-23-04
Josh, we have REALLY got to get you off this down kick
I can't help it.
Ever since Sarah dumped you you've been looking like Walter Cronkite
I know.
You need to pep up!
The next time you give me speed pills, I'll piss in your coffee.

 

by Screwball
11-23-04
Matt, do you believe it was just Sarah's bitchiness that made her dump us?
First of all, tell me what happened.
Well, I saw bubble wrap, and suggested we pop it.
Well, hell,son, that doesn't make you a nerd.
Really?
No...it makes you a weenie

 

by Screwball
11-24-04
Hello, Dawny, and Merry Christmas!
What are you doing here??
Well, I was hoping to help you celebrate your first Christmas in the White House...
It's Thanksgiving.
...I'm a Packers fan.
Go away.

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
My friend Rick and I were close till the first time we had sex.
We didn't speak for almost 13 months.
Maybe that should tell you you need to improve your technique.
Was I talking to YOU?

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Sometimes I have long dry spells before I get laid. Since I turned 18, I've gone over a month twice without being laid, and right now, I'm on 16 weeks.
People tell me it's because I need to be seen to be believed
Or maybe it's because you look like the world's first black serial killer
I don't remember asking you for your opinion.

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Give me one good reason why you won't go on a second date with me.
I'll give you three...
You're nerdy, you're short, and you cry like a little girl.
God, men today...

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Give me one good reason why you won't go on a second date with me.
I'll give you three...
You're nerdy, you're short, and you cry like a little girl.
God, men today...

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Snake, explain something to me...
Sure.
If you have sex with a transsexual, are you gay??
Yes, you're still a fucking queer.

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Twan, I don't get it.
Get what.
How come you choose to be bi instead of straight??
I call it "The best of both worlds"
I call it "Being Fucking Greedy"

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Look at the positives of being straight!
Such as?
Beautiful woman over hairy guys.
Is that right? And what about when the woman has that time of the month, and the other times when she has a headache!
At least it's better than some dick spraying all over you.
That's what my cat said, and now she's got 10 kittens.

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
So, tell me, what's the benefit of dating as a straight?
Well, look at all the women you meet!
...who won't be going home with you. Whereas I can at least not feel like I'm in a meat market when I'm on Halsted.
Fucker.
No, but I did fuck him.

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Come on, Twan, you can't be gay...
Bi, Snake, and why not?
You told me about eating pussy, for chrissake
...which is how I learned to suck dick.
The straight person's usual answer to any non-straight rebuttal:

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Your friends are fucked up.
Yeah, I know, but no one's perfect.
You know, there is another one of your friends that I like...
For christ's sake, why isn't it ever me?
I keep wondering if you're joking...
Do I look like I'm wearing a clown suit??

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
WHY WON'T YOU DATE ME??
It's quite simple...
What, Matt? Josh? Mike.
No...you
ME?????!!
Yes...you have the personality of a trashcan.

 

by Screwball
11-25-04
Dawny, Tommy left to pursue other interests. Specifically, being my slave. So, there's been a change of plans...You have a new Secretary of State.
Should I ask who?
Yes, you should...turn around.
HELLO, DANIELA!!
As if I didn't have enough problems
Joto.

Showing page 4.

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