All comics by Shadow_Artist

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by Shadow_Artist
9-09-03
How’s Project: ‘Rake It In’ coming along, my long-necked cash-magnet?
Please don’t insult my physical appearance or magnetic properties. I’ll assume your talking about my first album, in which case I’ve just finished recording it this morning!
Great! Now, we’ll need a name for it…
I was thinking something personal and witty. The title needs to reflect not only my music but also me as a person. It needs to demonstrate my fears, goals and desires.
I know! We'll use the title of your first single!
'I Want To Be Handheld'?

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-09-03
After every concert…
He's here! Michael! Sign this picture, Mike! Make it out to Polly...with love!
I've got all your songs, Michael! I'm your biggest fan!
Michael! Michael! Marry me, Michael!
RAAAR! TOBOR LOVE MICHAEL MIKE, DESPITE LACK OF ANAL SEX SOCKET!

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-09-03
Before a performance on the Pepsi Chart, Michael Mike contemplates where his career is going...
I’m getting a bit tired of performing the same songs over and over again. I’ve sung the word ‘love’ so many times now it’s lost all meaning.
What I need to do is branch out. Take new directions and tackle new musical genres. Hip Hop, R’n’B, Folk and Punk! Maybe duet with that Sean Paul chap…
Hey, needle-neck! Get your ass-less butt out there and sing that whiney love song we wrote for you! Don’t make me show you your contract!

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-09-03
Four months later, Michael Mike talks to his good friend, Clip...
It wasn’t long after the first album that my career started to fail. Pretty soon I wasn’t in the pop picture anymore and Star Search II had begun.
Why did you fall so quickly? You didn’t screw up like the Beetles and say you were bigger than Jesus, did you?
Yes, but by that time it had been parodied so much that no one found it shocking anymore.
Truth. So what did you do wrong?
I tried to do a concert unplugged.

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-09-03
Still, my story doesn’t have a completely unhappy ending. I’ve been asked to do a pantomime in Brighton this Summer.
Oh yes? Who as?
The back end of a donkey.
Really?
Well, when I rang up to ask about parts they DID call me an ass…

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-09-03
Still, my story doesn’t have a completely unhappy ending. I’ve been asked to do a pantomime in Brighton this Summer.
Oh yes? Who as?
The back end of a donkey.
Really?
Well, when I rang up to ask about parts they DID say I was an ass…

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-16-03
Right then! Let's whip ourselves into a frenzy of violence and testosterone before we charge the enem...hey, where's Scott?
Haven't you heard? He's gone MPG.
What does MPG stand for?
Missing: Presumed Gay.
Gay? So that's why he jumped on me the other day! Bloody queers! The army can do without his type!
Yeah. A REAL man would have let that grenade blow you into bloody bits!

 

by Shadow_Artist
9-19-03
What's wrong with the cookers? Have you fixed them yet?
I'm afraid the hobs have cracked. I've got some spares with me, so I can fix both cookers now if you want. It'll cost £80.
I'm prepared to offer you £60.
No, Mr Mckay, business doesn't work like that. You can't haggle, you either pay the price or don't get the service.
£40?
You're a tit.

 

by Shadow_Artist
11-20-03
Money - Dwarf: 1500 Gold, Fairy: 60 Gold
I've just killed all your fairy friends, sweetheart, so why don't you let me collect the bounty on you as well?
You little monster! Equip = Wand of Wrath!
Money - Dwarf: 1500 Gold, Fairy: 60 Gold
Equip = +3 Throwing Axe! Let's cut you down to size...more so.
We'll see about that! Activate = Wand of Wrath! SpellCast = Curse of the Kids!
Money - Dwarf: 23 Gold, Fairy: 60 Gold
My hair! My clothes! My life savings!
Now to finish you off and avenge my silenced sister sprites! SpellCast = Maggie's Messy Divorce...

 

by Shadow_Artist
1-23-04
Sorry to cut your monthly appraisal short, Jenkins, but I've got to see my brother before the prison visiting hours end.
Wow, Mr Mandel, you Jews really do stick together like shit.
Oh my God! Jesus is such a loser! A living God that gets pinned to planks of wood by badly built nails! What a loser! Crying like a baby, "My God, why have you forsaken me!" What a twat...
No, Mr President! You cannot go to Mr Blair's birthday party, especially not after the way you acted this afternoon!
But...I...no...but...(sniff) I HATE YOU!

 

by Shadow_Artist
1-24-04
You could have told me your office was a non-smoking zone.

 

by Shadow_Artist
1-24-04
I was trying to show initiative...

 

by Shadow_Artist
1-24-04
Jesus did it!

 

by Shadow_Artist
1-24-04
Think of the insurance money!

 

by Shadow_Artist
1-24-04
It was going to be a surprise...

 

by Shadow_Artist
1-24-04
Just testing your smoke alarms, Mr Heinz...

 

by Shadow_Artist
1-24-04
I did this because you're Jewish!

 

by Shadow_Artist
1-24-04
I crashed your computer...

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-08-04
Down at the bottom of the garden...
...there's a gate. If you go through this gate and walk several hundred miles you will reach the sea...
...and down at the bottom of the sea lies Inkrael, land of the Squid!
Nice suckers!
Please don't stare at my suckers.

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-08-04
The Squid of Inkrael spend their days harvesting Inkrael's only source of wealth - octopus. Here we can see a group of Squid encouraging the growth of octopus eggs.
Grow little eggs...grow for Uncle Squid...
Grow big and strong for Inkrael, little octopus eggs...
Now little eg...MY EGGS! Funny guys, now Supreme Squid will have my suckers for sure!

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-10-04
Supreme Squid was the cruel tyrant of Inkrael. With an army of loyal soldiers at his disposal, any squid who approached within a hundred miles of him would be riddled with hundreds of tiny harpoons.
Supreme Squid felt very lonely.
Sigh.

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-10-04
Meanwhile, in Upper-Class Land...
I'm sorry sir, there's no more octopus left in all of Upper-Class Land.
What! No octopus! Why, this is a joke too far! I'm going to write a letter to my national representative!
I say, look at this polite letter. We're a bit short on octopus.
Oh my! You think it's time to finally start revising our frivilous octopus-consumption habits?
Heavens no, old bean! We'll just invade Inkrael and take their supply of octopus using our weapons of mass destruction.
Splendid!

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-10-04
Slither for your lives!
I fear for my loved ones!
I've been hiding for days with no food and no sleep in this dirty coral reef - I gladly surrender!
Quickly, kill his henchmen before they surrender as well!
The game is up, Supreme Squid! Where are the octop...I mean weapons of mass destruction?
Don't you think if I had any such weaponary I would have used it to defend myself?!

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-10-04
"The President of Upper-Class Land, Barney the Friendly Dinosaur, will now give his thoughts on the success of the war..."
I love you, you love me.
We're best friends like friends should be.
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.
Won't you say you lo...
Headshot!
I DIDN'T SAY STOP SHOOTING!

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-10-04
Truely, we have made this land a better place.
God bless we rich and white!

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-17-04
I'm going out with this really cute girl tomorrow night.
Congrats. Do you know her name?
Not entirely. Anyway, I already met her mom. She's my psychology teacher.
I'm aroused.
That I've met a girl's mother before even going out with her?
No, that you've finally learned to pronounce "psychology".

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-22-04
Welcome, Phillip! You said you wanted to discuss an idea for Angel's replacement?
Not just one idea, but several! I think we should broaden our CSI programming. I've got loads of new settings.
Well?
I can only express my imagination by stripping.

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-22-04
CSI: Kindergarten
I don't get it, Grissom. How could a preschool bully smash another kid into pulp?
Sticks and stones...
CSI: Atlantis
Why did you do it, Blue? You would have had the pearl in a few months - the clam had cancer!
A few months! I 've waited 18 years for that clam to give me something! Love, attention, bloodworm, but no! I thought I'd take an advance payment!
CSI: Ancient Rome
You've got nothing on me, fool! Your super-high-tech technology doesn't exist in this time!
No, it doesn't, but I don't need that to catch you. I've got...the evidence!

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-22-04
CSI: Hell
Yes I killed her, but she beat me everyday! I thought I'd set up with this new chick, but she was even worse!
Better the devil you know...
CSI: Spain
That red stain on the carpet wasn't more blood, Senor Nombre. It was red dye from your bull fighting cloak!
I did it for my little girl!
CSI: Christmas
Every year, same time, same entrance...if you're going to break into someone's house every year, Chris, at least be original!
I need help, Grissom! I need help!

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-22-04
CSI: No Man's Land
How are we going to narrow down the suspects, Grissom? Every country in the world's nuking this place!
We start with our eyewitness, Brass...the evidence!
CSI: In Space
You are now a suspect, Glrakrag. I'm going to need a sample of your eye juice.
You're getting nothing without an inter-planetary warrant, two eye freak!
CSI: Beyond the Call of Duty
Why have you disturbed my slumber?
Sorry about this, Grissom, but we need your incredible forensic skills...one last time!

 

by Shadow_Artist
2-22-04
Well Phillip, these are some fantastic ideas. With this kind of inspiration I'll have a new CSI show out within the week!
Great! WB is saved!
Later that week, in about a week...
Now on WB, a brand new CSI inspired by the imagination of a man named Phillip.
Excellent! I wonder what they've used my ideas to create?
CSI: Las Vegas
A stripper's been found dead in the desert, covered in gambling chips. We think she was on drugs and sexually assaulted.
How unusual.

 

by Shadow_Artist
3-19-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants...
Son, you're getting older now, it's about time we had a heart to heart. Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
From the fiery depths of Hades, son...
BURN ALL THAT IS GOOD! DESTROY ALL THAT IS PEACE! SHATTER ALL THAT IS CALM! CHAOS! CRIES OF THE DAMNED! WAIL AND SCREAM!
UNENDING HORROR! PURGE THE LIVING! DEFILE THE PEACEFUL! RUIN THE FUTURE! WE ARE THE HARBRINGERS OF DOOM! SCREECH! MAIM! BURN!

 

by Shadow_Artist
3-19-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants...
Son, you're getting older now, it's about time we had a heart to heart. Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
Tough question. Thankfully, your mum and I keep a video catalogue of our exploits...
I can hear Jesus crying.

 

by Shadow_Artist
3-19-04
Son, could you come here for a minute?
I wonder what he wants...
Son, you're getting older now, it's about time we had a heart to heart. Is there anything on your mind?
Yes dad...where do babies come from?
Well, a baby boy comes from his penis, just like a grown-up boy. Now, a baby girl...
I'll phone the police.

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-06-04
Boinky.
[Urinates]

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-07-04
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.
You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't.
It just eats another hummingbird.

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-07-04
I've completed my diagnosis, Mr Smurf. I'm afraid that you're going blind.
Blind! But I can't go blind, I'm a stunt car driver! I want a second opinion!
Okay...
...you're also ugly.

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-07-04
So Clive, what's married life like?
Well, getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, but when you see what your mate has you wish you'd ordered that instead.

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-16-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
Roll for treasure?
Yep. You also get 2*(2D10) points of Renown.

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-16-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
No, I don't.
Put these handcuffs on. You're under arrest for the murder of our second most wicked witch. You have the right to remain silent...

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-16-04
Oooh, that last club was just SUPER! Everyone was so accepting, I felt so PRETTY, you know?
That's because you ARE pretty, silly! And I just LOVE that cape - did you sew the stars on yourself?
I loved it when they played IT'S RAINING MEN! And when those guys started to dance with me...talk about getting SOAKING WET!
Girl, you are TOO MUCH! Me, I just hope I find some SEAMEN tonight!
Oh, do BEHAVE!
Guys, when I said I wanted to go out camping for my birthday, this isn't what I meant...

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-16-04
Dear Mr. Gibbon. ApeCom Industries are always eager to discuss investment from potential backers...
As you can see, by modifying the skin we can halve the typical peeling time.
Excellent work, Smith! Be sure to tell the rest of the R&D department how pleased I am.
Welcome to ApeCom Industries. How can I be of assistance?
Come on fellas, you know the law - no monkey business!

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-20-04
Hello everyone! Welcome to my 200th Comic Celebration Party!
Jelly?

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-20-04
Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?

 

by Shadow_Artist
4-30-04
Just think of it, gentlemen. Fifty thousand chickens a day...
The Farm-a-land will be cleansed. Heil the Colonel!

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-01-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
IT IS CRUEL THAT YOU CAN CRY AND TOBOR CAN NOT.

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-01-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
SO TOBOR...excuse me, so I don't win the 'Best Costume' prize?
Good Lord, this is the third time tonight. You want next door, and tell Frank to signpost his parties more clearly in the future!

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-01-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
RAAAAAR, TOB...oh Jeff! You always used to like playing 'Robots' with me. What happened?
I grew up, Eric, I grew up, and it's about time you did the same.

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-03-04
Do you want to sing like the stars?
Well guess what - you can!
Just not as well.

 

by Shadow_Artist
5-03-04
That advert really made me want to sing like a star. So, I ripped Justin Timberlake’s vocal chords out...
…and surgically inserted them in your own throat, thereby granting you his voice and singing talent?
You know, I never thought of that.
So where are Justin’s vocal chords now?
Cool wind chimes, man!

Showing page 4.

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