All comics by chopper

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by chopper
3-26-08
Long ago, in a galaxy far far away, there lived a soundbwoy called Duke Skylarker. He dreamed about running away to join Rebellious Alliance Hi-Fi...
Hmmm, there seems to be a message stuck in my droid....
HELP US GENERAL CADBURY, YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE...
General Cadbury, please help me be a great selector, tell me what I must do?
Di droid play me a cassette from de Alliance,nuff sounds getting mashed dung by Empire international, I and I must hurry to Deadstar ballroom before dem win de title!
I need fe hire a wickid operator wid de golden touch, yuh interested my yute?
I once ran a consecutive fifty dubplate medley in less than twenty parseks, will that do?

 

by chopper
3-26-08
In the not too distant future...
Me cyaan believe how much problem dis DHR ting create! We neva realize it a get artificial intelligence and start mek up fuckry from about 1995...
If only there was a way we could go back inna time and stop all dat fuckry from being typed... Den we wouldn´t have to flee in shame...
...once you have entered there is no turning back, both your post count and rep point will be back to the levels they were at that time....
Me haffi dweet! If me know bonafide me can stop those embarassing pics from eva bein posted, me will do anything!
back in 95....
Yes, I, dis must be 95, cooh pan dat eediat bwoy blastin Onyx and ah talk bout "represent"! Now to find the original server and destroy it. Hope nuhbaddy nuh follow me back though....

 

by chopper
3-26-08
Tell me more about sound business Cadbury-man...
Yuh ah go overstand evryting in due time, Duke... Now me have some unfinished business to attend to...
So, you came to test my sound, Cadbury-man! Neither you nor this young Juggler know the power of the dark splice!
Cross Fader! The Dark Lord of Spliff! If yuh cut me dung now, I man will only grow more dreadful!
Its no use! The Empire sound station is too strong! Their dub box is unbeatable! I cant find any tunes to damage them!!
Kid, I smuggled Tony Matterhorn into the U.S. when when nobody thought he would show, we can do it!

 

by chopper
3-26-08
OH NO! they playing their Bounty section, I have a bad feeling about this...
Use the Force forward, Duke!
...ah no diss me ah diss yuh Badman Crab, but Puppah Cadbury run de storytelling, so yuh haffi come betta dan just tiefing de plot off ah Star Wars...
But yuh nuh even let me come to di part when Sky Juice kidnap de operata and freeze him inna one block of dragon stout...CHO!
...besides, yuh supposed to gi me a rundown on what happen at DBD 08, not mek up science fiction story....
Ok den Hermit.... Lets see,"In de distant future robots have taken ova sound business. De rasistance only hope is one man sent back in time to stop the syndication of clash business...."

 

by chopper
5-30-08
David! I came as soon as I heard your message, whats the problem this time? Another genocide? Weapons of mass destruction?
I am afraid there is no time for pleasantries, dear Albert. We are facing a threat of unheard of proportions... Theres this music, see....
I´m afraid you lost me David... How could music be dangerous, and furthermore how could the UN do anything about it?
As we speak, an Afrocentric cult of highly trained killers with Maroon ancestry are controlling the Jamaican music industry. And they´re armed to the teeth!
That seems highly unlikely David mmmkay, Dont you remember our last trip to Jamaica, we went to the Maroon village? They seemed friendly and domesticated to me....
You fail to grasp the magnitude of this problem.... Their music is immensly popular and it has even transcended racial boundaries and it has serious foothold in Europe.

 

by chopper
5-30-08
Still, one cannot outlaw music! There would be riots in the streets! Worldwide dissent!
Oh, I think you underestimate the power of our propaganda machine. I have protesters standing by, ready to storm any venue at the snap of a finger.
Oh, what the heck, for old times sake! Tell you what, I´ll start gathering evidence and you get to disrupting their gatherings...
So it begins....
Some hours later...
What have you managed to dig up, Sanderson, old fellow?
This music has it all! Misogyny, drug-repherences, it advocates murder of police officers, gay people, hell in fact anybody! One artist claims he kills for fun!

 

by chopper
5-30-08
... therefore, I motion we put this savage brainwashing music and all its derivatives on the list of controlled substances.... Thank you....
Yay! Yay!
In my hand I have the written decision by the UN to ban reggae music in all its forms except Culture Club and Matisyahu, we had to keep those for obvious reasons...
Sweet victory! This calls for a celebration! I know, lets play our song! "Shangalang" by The Bay City Rollers!
Meanwhile, in Lavender hell...
Jolly good show, Satan! Bravo!
Bah, I just reused the same thing I did when that awful Shabba Ranks started to annoy me...That´ll teach em to badmouth me on their records....

 

by chopper
9-15-08
Yush DHR massive! Di original Badman Crabdelero de yah, and rite bout now mi waan tell di I-dem about a set a peeple mi sight deh ah de Passa Passa and ah post up post up til dem finga print erase...
Mi see dem kip up di most fuckry sunrise to sunset, and den hab di nerve come bawl bout borderline get violated and all kinda sinting. Simple question: WA DO DEM?!
Yuh see dis lickle button side ah mi computer dat seh "POWER"? Dat deh fukka doan mean di machine have any power over YOU... If yuh waan internet fe tap trouble yuh, try press it nex time, zeen?
On another note: Where mi bawn and grow, when smaddy seh "Good Bye", dat mean dey goin somewhere...
Is like some bwoy arrange dem going away party, collect whole heap a gift, tell dem mumma bye bye and den move into de basement.... dat deh weak shit doan mek it... Bad Crab Out...

 

by chopper
9-15-08
INNA DI JUNGLE DI MONKEY AH SWING, INNA DI OCEAN BAD CRAB IS DI KING, YUH FE KNOW SEH MI AH REAL BADMAN, CAH I WAS BAWN AS A CRUSTACEAN!
Blessed Bad Crab Blessed, whe di rass de I doin inna mi records room? Mi tell yuh time and time again seh me nuh waan no pinching marks pan me vintage LP dem....
Cadbury man mek I tell yuh wha gwaan now: Mi an Hermit ah go try a likkle ting inna di music business, zeen? Mi figure nuff a de ol artist dem wid animal name drop out, could be fe me time now...
Alright my yute, mi kno u have talent but just memba one ting, mi waan free dubplate since yuh naah pay no rent!
Bwoy Hermit, mi juss come from down town and mi sight a flyer fe one talent contest, mi ah go win it and get a record deal, but mi need de I fe sing de chorus!
Yuh see dis shell yah? It all have CD burner, mic booth and printa inna it, we all seat, yuh hear?

 

by chopper
9-15-08
OK, were gonna welcome on stage one of the most unknown talent, I am talking deep underground here, folks, give it up for, The Badman Crab featuring Hermit!
Peeple, Peeple! Sekkle down a bit, me an me good fren Hermit de yah an we a go show yuh how we have lyrical skill, big up Puppah Cadbury de big man inna de house, RIDDIM UP!
MI NO NAME ZEBRA NEITHER SUPER CAT, DIS IS BADMAN CRAB PON DE MICROFONE A CHAT, MI RULE INNA DI SEA MONGST DE FISH AND DE SPRAT, SO JUSS SEKKLE LIKKLE BWOY NUH GWAAN LIKE EEDIAT!
ANYYYYWWWAAAY, CRABSTA FOR LIFE, WHAPPEN TO DEEEEEM, HERMIT DEH YAAAAAAH!

 

by chopper
9-15-08
SOME DJ EVEN NAME DEMSELVES AFTA BIRD, MR CHICKEN MI TINK YUH NAME IS ABSURD, NOT TO MENTION DE ONE DEM CALL HAWKEYE, FROM 1994 DEM TELL WE SPY FE DIE
SKILLIBONG BENG SKIDDELIGONGBENG ITS A BAD CRAB TING HE WILL CLIP AWF YUH WING, SKIDDELIBONG BENG, SKIDDELIBONG BENG ITS DE CRAB CREW DEM, HERMIT CRAB COME AGAIN.
Alright, then, here I have the Judges decision... And the winner of this Talent contest is..... Autotune-Bot.... Congratulations I guess....

 

by chopper
11-24-08
Chamber 12:Underwater Breathing
*BLUBBB BLUBB*
Di Shaolin Bwoy dem dunce, u see mi ah seh?
Chamber 21: Debate
... there fore it is crucial too see that the problems associated with this particular predicament can be no more than the sum of...
Mi Nuh inna e long talking, All a di man dem weh know dem no bow, Push up unu hand and say Yo!
Chamber 27: Spelling
Ok, mister Bad Crab, I´d like you to spell recession.
F-U-C-K-R-Y, Fuckry!

 

by chopper
11-24-08
Chamber 31: Cooking
Today I´ll be serving Braised Lamb with Flageolet Beans, a classical winter dish...
Eediat ting dat bredda Chef, yuh cyaan test me mackerel rundown wid a side ah dragon stout! Gweh!
Chamber 35: Bullfighting
MOOOUUUUHRRRR!!
Look! Ova deh so! No kill me, kill dat Red Lobster!
Very Well, you have passed through 35 chambers, but the last one is a riddle: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Dat one deh easy: lean forward mek mi thump yuh inna yuh face and show you!

 

by chopper
8-10-11
Wah really tek some a unu yute pon DHR lately, eeeeh? All kinda bugs bunny fuckry bout man a cosign and walk backa man like is a bloodclaat congaline dem inna? MOVE AND GWEY WID DEM DEH WOBBLY WAYS!
dhr a di bess, mi naah go leave me basement fi nuttn!
OK den, numba second: how come certain man when dem get a lickle position in life dem mek it swell dem head? A mussi hall moniter ar a parking attendant dem aspire to be in life....
Mi run dis shit now, mi ah di don dada, unu waan ramp wid me? Wid di topatop rankin worl maffia?King a di E-jungle?Watch mi press dis button! Boooo-yaaah!!!
Some simple advice fe de new owner den: doan fuck round de people tings dem or dem wi go maroon on anodda board and come back and mashup de whole a unnu enterprise... And di ads dem no mek it!
!

 

by chopper
5-30-12
*Bzzzt* MALFUNCTION! Rear exhaust ruptured! Shutdown imminent!
Good ting me get a warm-up from de handsome customs officer earlier. Can't a black yute wear a diamond stud inna fe him ear widout being a drugs smuggler?
Finally my sound get a date fe play! And even better, I'm getting payed in my favorite currency: bestiality!
Hey yawl! hurry it up in there! I'm only payed for one hour so you need to get your moneys worth!
*sigh* I remember when it used to be just me, Mocha, a +++ size bed and my Aunt Flo... Alas how things change...
Yow, Asoyini, you sure dem sell di highest grade? Dis nuh look like no line fe weed yuh kno...

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