All comics by iconoclastic

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by iconoclastic
10-21-13
How come there's a condom on my banana?

 

by iconoclastic
10-21-13
Don't even bother trying to fuck the 'taint'...
...'cus all you're going to get...
...is a throbbing headache.

 

by iconoclastic
10-21-13
I got me a park bench to practice on in my bedroom...
...because I'm just about ready to come out of the bushes.

 

by iconoclastic
10-21-13
Just 'cus you're living on the DL doesn't mean you shouldn't be polite.
Drink pineapple juice.

 

by iconoclastic
10-21-13
WTF??? Body! Where are you?
Just a little closer to my mouth, and you're gone too!!!
Chest!!! Legs!!! Beloved face! Why aren't you there?
shlurp... shlurp!!!
"Yumpin Yiminy! I can't believe she ate the whole thing!"
Give yourself some time. Just a little closer. You'll believe it in awhile.

 

by iconoclastic
10-24-13
So you're the one putting brown stuff in the water!
What??? I'm just gettin' some office supplies.
Oh! Sorry! It couldn't be you anyway, you're white!

 

by iconoclastic
10-24-13
Wow! Those nips really come out in the dark!
Are you referring to my Japanese parents or the silver dollar size tips of my African boobaronga slide your donga in betweiners?
*pant pant... pants throb... ooo oooh aaahhh* Oh God help me!
The weiner one. The weiner one!
Aw shucks!

 

by iconoclastic
10-24-13
No, "pussy pussy" is how you call a cat. A cat's vagina could be called a "pussy's pussy", the apostrophe showing ownership.
My daddy shows ownership with a whip.
What's your daddy's name?
'Pimp', but he goes by 'Fat Balogna'.
So would you call his penis "Fat Balogna balogna", or "Fat Balogna's balogna"?
I always called it "my sister's butt-balogna that tastes like shit".

 

by iconoclastic
10-26-13
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Now, for my next trick...
I thought I was the whore.

 

by iconoclastic
11-22-13
Jus' gotta' letter from her attorney. That dude don't know his ass from a hole in the ground...Yeh, or maybe he thinks he's talkin' to somebody who don't know his ass from a hole in the ground!
Or it could simply be both.
Yes... but will I ever know? It might just be that I'm faced with a mind boggling conundrum, a trio of virtual uncertainties that drops me off in the 'twilight zone' of unquenchable mental thirst...
Alone I presume? Oh God, I'm starting to feel weak.
...a hapless inter-galactic hitch hiker (and yes, of course alone), left to fend for himself, who suddenly finds that his beloved zen filled wrench has a motorcycle w/o nuts, now a 'eunuchcycle'.
Please, have mercy on me. Even my body can't handle the effects of such a lingering and enervating, purportedly legitimate propositional absurdity such as that.

 

by iconoclastic
12-24-13
Hey Dude!!! Yeah you walking over there.
What?
Come closer! I'd like to invite you to the 1st. annual Christmas celebration! (SHIT!!!)
Hey, you want me to get you down from there?
My bad! Thought you were somebody else.
I guess he wants to stay.

 

by iconoclastic
12-25-13
That stone told me "There is a Jew behind me, come and kill him!"
Well, I am a Jew, but my dad is already killing me. So, maybe the stone isn't as smart as it should be.
Yeah, I'm going to tell Allah to update the stone's vocal options, and that re: killing you, your dad has his back.
Uh oh, this is starting to get scary! Check it out!
Check what out?
Look... we're on the same side!!!

 

by iconoclastic
12-26-13
The name is GOD...
Don't get your hopes up Bozo.
JAMES GOD...
James God??? That's funny!!! Ah ha ha ha ha!!!
Wait!!! James God... BOZO?
Ah ha ha ha ha!!!

 

by iconoclastic
12-26-13
The name is BOND...
?
BOZO BOND!
Bozo Bond? Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Ah ha ha ha ha!!!
Bozo God... BOND???
Ah ha ha ha ha!!! Ah ha ha ha ha!!!

 

by iconoclastic
12-26-13
You make me laugh.

 

by iconoclastic
12-30-13
Hurry up honey!!! I've got the most exciting New Year's resolution to tell you about!
Wow! I'm all out of breath! What is it you wanted to tell me?
For my New Years resolution, I've decided to stop fighting and arguing with you.
Oh honey, I love you so much. I knew you caredl
I figured if you just shut your mouth, I'd be happy. Otherwise I'm gonna' have to shoot you.
Thanks a lot you no good son-of-a-bitch!

 

by iconoclastic
1-18-14
Okay everybody, I've got the fish for the annual STINKING VAGINA distribution! Any volunteers?
Nobody?
For real??? You know your cunts are going to smell like dirt if you don't get a fish in 'em!

 

by iconoclastic
1-29-14
We agreed before we got together that we would make some effort to reduce the amount of hideousness that we naturally express.
I have elected to wear a mask . You've done nothing. What do you say you...
...shut your mouth.

 

by iconoclastic
2-07-14
Achtung you all! Me und Granny are goink to make eine train und pullink you round.
chugga chugga chugga chugga
Jew!
Jew!

 

by iconoclastic
2-08-14
Where's my bottle? Oh, great streams of unhindered, stinking, chronic, gooey, (inclusive of some small irregularly shaped and unidentifiable chunks), blood and bile streaked diarrhea!!! I broke it!
Oh crap!!! (Oops, lucky no one's here yet. A good CEO never uses words like that), I left my notes at home!
Oh! Somewhere betwen 9 and 15, 1/2"-3/4" diameter, predominantly spherical, moist, light golden brown, fuzzy surfaced, sweet and tangy to the taste, air puff poopies!

 

Nobody saw the signs.
Mommy's busy, so grandma's gonna' watch you.
"Mommy's busy" my fuckin' ass!!! You'd better yank a tit and feed me, or somebody's gonna' die!!!
by iconoclastic, 2-12-14

 

by iconoclastic
2-17-14
Adolph!!! Dinner is ready!
In a minuten Granny, I'm gettink ready for ze costume party!
Vat you tink?
I like it, but you are lookink best ven you are ze Grim Reaper.

 

by iconoclastic
2-18-14
Hitler holds interviews for position of 'Camp Doctor'. Der 1st question.
So, Herr Mengele, do you prefer adults or ze little children?
Vat side of der bed am I vakink up on?
Der 2nd question.
Let's say dis is my dead Granny. Vat is ze first part of der autopsy you vould do?
I vould prevent body gas escape mit mein blutwurstplug. Den I vould force her to clean it mit her tung. Den over und over mit mein plug. Den more tung verk, und more plug verk, den...
Ach ya!
Come mit me Granny. My new doctor vil give you a free autopsy to find out vat you vil be dyink from.
I hope he can help mit der rash on my hiney holen.

 

by iconoclastic
2-21-14
Lord, You made me the way I am, so give me what I need. As usual, I ask that you watch over me as I lose consciousness and ascend, Amen.
God, this priest is so cool he gives us reverse shoulder rides, until he hurts LOL! He even heimliched me when I didn't know I needed it! He says to love everything, even camel's toes!
Dude! I'm in the spirit! Hoogoola boogoola, shuva bubba, shuva bubba boobalooba lubba. Hubba hubba, when I turn around, you suck my chubba! Amen!
Oh God, is this talking in tongues? Could you tell me quick if a "chubba's" what I think it is?
Oh Allah, please guide me tonight when I get this guy alone, 'cus I'm going to be a baaa baaad girl!
You da man Mohammed, I'm a shepard full of luck, you sent me this fine sheep, that tonight I plan to... ah, WTF? I'll just jack off in her wool.

 

by iconoclastic
2-22-14
I was born a coal miner's head.
This is what my dad looked like when the shaft caved in.
I have to be Carried everywhere.

 

by iconoclastic
2-22-14
So I was watching a women's hockey match from Sochi, and I couldn't help but notice that the last name of one of the players was 'Asserholen'.
I'm ashamed to say that I couldn't help but fall in love with her.
I'll bet you dimes to donut-holes that happens to her a lot.

 

by iconoclastic
2-22-14
I saw a picture of Jack Lord the other day.
What happened to him anyway?
His eyes don't have that glimmer anymore.

 

by iconoclastic
2-22-14
I know he was a recluse, and didn't want to be photographed after a certain point, but...
Somehow I think there's something more to it that we all aren't privy to..
*pssst* Jack Lord died!
Well that explains why his eyes were shut in the photo.

 

Make that 'donut-holens'.
by iconoclastic, 2-22-14

 

by iconoclastic
2-22-14
The term White Chocolate is a bit of a misnomer. It's like saying White Blackman.
Both cases yield the same result.
They don't look or taste the same.

 

by iconoclastic
2-23-14
I rook down most of time becaw I not wuthy.
No Chen. Look up! You are worthy!!!
I am?
Oh shit!!!
Are you looking down again yet?

 

by iconoclastic
2-23-14
Why I must wuk in basemen aw the time?
Don't even go there Chen! It's not rike that.
Did you hear me?
I said "rike"!

 

by iconoclastic
2-23-14
May I go to toyret?
Let's try a little Zen. How many corners does this basement office have?
Fow?
Excellent!
But...
You've got to understand my position... you're still on probation.

 

by iconoclastic
2-23-14
Hello??? I can't clean the corner until you use it. So hop to it!
Did you hear me? I said "hop"!
Get it? Hop sing?

 

by iconoclastic
2-23-14
Oh my God! Who are...
Listen to me! I can help you with your problem.
No.
Yes. I've been there and done that... a thousand times.
But you don't have yerrow skin.
The underside of my cone turns yellow when I take a piss. Does that count?

 

by iconoclastic
2-23-14
No, yerrow skin when you go pee not count.
Well your skin isn't just yellow. It's got a little green in it too! Did you know that?
Yes.
Dude! You're okay! Look up when you talk to me.
Oh God!!! Are you looking down again yet?

 

by iconoclastic
3-14-14
Tell us Mercedes, how will the draft of the first openly gay player into the NFL affect the game and it's players.
Well, the Jaguars feel that everyone in the game deserves an equal playing field, and we're not going to look down on anyone... I mean you know...
Even if they're on their...?
Well sure, we look down on 'em then.

 

Looks like your seat could use another 'support member'!
by iconoclastic, 3-30-14

 

When you walked by, my shaved-raw bung-hole did a back-flip, took it's tie off and lassooed my penis hostage, put on a summer dress and called itself a sausage.
by iconoclastic, 3-30-14

 

Yum yum noodoo soup?
by iconoclastic, 3-30-14

 

by iconoclastic
4-19-14
I'm black.
You're brown.
I'm white.
You're pink.
I'm yellow.
You're right.

 

by iconoclastic
4-19-14
i'll just dip into the petty cash while dumb-ass is out to lunch.
Did you hear? Somebody's taking the petty cash.
That motherfucker's spoiling it for all of us.
I wonder who it is.
You tell me, and I'll tell you if you know.

 

by iconoclastic
4-19-14
Ben, without pointing an accusatory finger, i want to talk to you about the missing cash.
Didn't you just say "Without pointing an accusatory finger"?
Yes, and I meant every word of it.

 

by iconoclastic
4-19-14
I'm sorry babe, I can't seem to keep my hands out the cookie jar.
So what are you trying to say?
I'm just telling you I still got that problem, that's all.
Not again Lord! Not again.
What babe? Where you goin'?
Lookin' for a new house.

 

by iconoclastic
4-19-14
My girl thinks you're gonna' fire me for the missing cash just 'cus I'm black.
Never going to happen. But I might have to fire you if I find out you're a black thief.
You can't point the finger at me, call me a black thief and then fire me for being a black thief.
Okay, no finger.
I'll check that out and get back to you.
Okie-dokie.

 

by iconoclastic
4-19-14
Okay. You're fired for taking the petty cash out of my office wall safe.
This is a complete surprise! You never even pointed the finger at me.
Shit.

 

I'm here with the Director of Malaysian Airways. Can you give us any insight into the planes's disappearance?
by iconoclastic, 4-21-14

 

GOD!!! WHY HAST THOU GIVEN ME SUCH A MOUTH WITH WHICH TO IMPLORE YOU, YET NO TONGUE?
Hey Deuce!!! Can you hear me over there? I got tongue if you want it!
by iconoclastic, 6-23-14

 

by iconoclastic
9-28-14
One day the Lord called Ezrah to a strange place with funny bottles, an old hooker and a strong compulsion to join in...
Good evening madam. Have you any scones?
Nay fine sir, I have only the desire to pinch a loaf of sweet pumpernickel, and hope with much earnestness sic., that it happen on the soon side of things. Amen.
Ezrah thought he had been sent to purchase some scones, and a fine new quilt sprayed with the latest in scotch-guard technology...
WTF??? Whither the fuck forth have I ventured and who art thou in front of me that I almost uncontrollably cummed upon and yay, even facially so? Be thou some vision of a virgin tart gone awry?
Dude! WTF's wrong with you? It's ME! Whip it the fuck out! I have to finish this video by tonight!
...to protect against his mighty, God given, (with just a hint of rust adding a lovely but subtle... fruity note), square shaped load.
Amish shitkicker heels don't fail me now! *click click* God forgive me but my butter is churrrned!!!
*slurp slurp* Oh! Such a fine cut! Be thou some new age carpenter come again?

 

by iconoclastic
10-22-14
Oh Lord, where's my guardian angel when I need him?
You rang?
Gee Lord, that wasn't very nice of you!

Showing page 4.

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