All comics by kane2742

Profile

 

by kane2742
11-23-07
Hi. I'm here toget my colon cleansed.
Okay. I'll go get our doctor who specializes in that sort of thing.
DR. TOBOR WILL CLEANSE YOUR COLON NOW!

 

by kane2742
11-23-07
Uh-oh. We have a problem.
What's wrong?
The award was supposed to look like the front half of a feline, but instead it's the back half.
That's bad.
"Bad"?! It's worse than "bad"; it's a catasstrophy!

 

by kane2742
11-23-07
My mom's been reading my comics and she had some questions about Tobor.
Uh-oh.
Yeah. She asked me what "cornholing" is.
That sounds awkward.
Especially when I couldn't think of a good way to word it and she asked me to just show her.

 

by kane2742
11-25-07
This is my son QJXKZFHV. He earns me 227 points if I play him right.
This is VHBACMPI. I had her during a competition. It was the happiest moment of my life,
The joy of giving birth?
Well, yeah, that, but mostly clearing my rack and taking home the trophy.

 

by kane2742
11-25-07
Oh, man! The wet grass got dew on my dress.
I have doo on my dress, too.
I'm glad she can't see how that was spelled.

 

by kane2742
11-25-07
What She Meant to Say:
Your cousin has selective mutism.
What She Said:
Your cousin's a mutant!
Cool! An X-Man in the family.

 

by kane2742
11-25-07
Getting anything for your little cousins for Christmas this year?
Not after last year's "Blue's Clues" fiasco.
What happened?
I got my cousin a Blue doll.
So? What's wrong with that?
My uncle's a taxidermist. Poor kid's still in therapy 'cuz he thinks I killed and stuffed her favorite cartoon character.

 

by kane2742
11-26-07
xxausrottenxx/411114
Last night I met a girl with cold feet.
That happens a lot when you're a necrophiliac.

 

by kane2742
11-26-07
What's this weird pie? The crust is like pizza crust.
"That's not stuff, Meredith."
There's no Meredith in Austin Powers.
Are any two of us having the same conversation?

 

by kane2742
11-26-07
If you keep being "the nice guy," women are just going to take advantage of you.
Really?!
Not in the good way.
Oh.

 

by kane2742
11-26-07
I don't like people.
I do...
They're delicious.

 

by kane2742
11-27-07
So I was at the ATM machine punching in my PIN number...
Automated Teller Machine machine? Personal Identification Number number? That's a bit redundant redundant.
Isn't that ironic?
No, Alanis, it's not.
It literally scared the shit out of me.
So that's what that smell is.

 

by kane2742
11-27-07
I found this list of weird U.S. town names online...
Like what?
Intercourse, PA, Hell, MI, Looneyville, TX.
Why doesn't Illinois have any interesting town names?
What, Plainville, Plainfield, Normal, and Standard aren't exciting enough for you?

 

by kane2742
11-27-07
I got my license renewed. The picture didn't turn out so great, though.
Yeah? You should look at mine; I had muttonchops.
Whoa.
Yeah, full-on 1800s-style facial hair.
Man, driver's licenses in the 1800s must have really looked bad.

 

by kane2742
11-28-07
Happy birthday, Mark. How old are you now?
Twenty-one.
No way. You're like 47 or something.
No, it's like a car; after so long, the odometer rolls over.
By that reasoning, some of the sorority girls I know must be virgins again.

 

by kane2742
11-28-07
Hi, what's up?
Nothing, how 'bout you?
What's really said next:
I'm just at home, working out on the Stairmaster while watching the Republicans debating on that Youtube/CNN thing.
I thought I was the only one who did that.
What Person #2 heard:
I'm just at home... master... bating ... tu... CNN.
I thought I was the only one who did that.

 

by kane2742
11-29-07
Hi, what's up?
Nothing, how 'bout you?
What's really said next:
Just watching TV: a History Channel thing on medieval-y torture devices.
I'm also playing with my cat. Not that the two are related, heh heh.
What Person #2 heard:
Just watching TV.... an'... evilly ...torture...ing... my cat, ... too... heh heh.

 

by kane2742
11-29-07
What's really said:
How are your pets doing?
I have to keep the tom-cat from screwing my other cats - his sisters - and the dog from eating the cats, same as always.
What Person #1 heard:
How are your pets doing?
I ... keep ... screwing my... sisters - and the dog. ... 'm eating the cats, same as always.

 

by kane2742
11-29-07
What's really said:
What are you up to?
My sister's kids are here, playing with my dogs. I'm cleaning up junk.
What Person #1 heard:
What are you up to?
My sister's kids are here, playing with my dog's... junk.
Ugh!
It's not that bad. Kind of fun, actually. You can come help if you change your mind.

 

by kane2742
11-29-07
What's really said:
What was that noise?
Oh, I just dropped some shit on the floor. Now I'm trying to look for it and pick it up.
What Person #1 heard:
What was that noise?
Oh, I just ... shit on the floor. Now I'm trying to l...ick it up.

 

by kane2742
11-29-07
I like to work on cars, even though that's usually a guy thing. It's fun.
I knit; I think it's relaxing.
I wear women's underwear. It's silky-smooth and makes me feel pretty.
What?

 

by kane2742
11-30-07
When you were a kid, did you ever eat Play-Doh?
I still do. I'm kind of a Play-Doh connoisseur.
Connoisseur, eh? Okay, what kind of wine goes best with blue Play-Doh?
That's a silly question...
Anything goes with Play-Doh!

 

by kane2742
12-01-07
Hey, baby. You're looking pretty hot. I think you need my hose to put out that fire.
Whatever you say, you sexy fireman.
I'm almost ready. My hose just needs a little more time.
Well you'd better hurry up. This fire is getting hotter.
Okay, it's ready now.
Ahhh! Geez, Larry, what the hell?!

 

by kane2742
12-01-07
I don't get something: If you have brain damage, how can you be so smart?
One side of my brain overcompensated for the damage to the other side.
I'm not sure I understand.
Think of it this way: The right side of my brain is a small penis and the left side's a Hummer.

 

by kane2742
12-01-07
You can give without loving, but you can't love unless you give...
head.

 

by kane2742
12-01-07
That wasn't our car you heard, mommy. It was me going "Vroom! Vroom!"
Vroom!
Vroom!
Thank you.

 

God, dam it!
by kane2742, 12-02-07

 

by kane2742
12-02-07
So, how did you die?
I overdosed on a mix of energy drinks and alcohol.
I guess it's true, then.
What's that?
Red Bull does give you wings.

 

by kane2742
12-02-07
Hey, rooster. Want some corn?
I have some corn. You want some, rooster?
Too bad. You can't have it.
Cock tease.

 

by kane2742
12-03-07
I was listening to the radio today, and something occurred to me.
What?
The Black Eyed Peas have been pretty popular the past few years, and Fergie and will.i.am both have successful solo careers.
So?
Does that make them the Beatles of our generation?
I'm pretty sure I have to kill you now.

 

by kane2742
12-04-07
Did you know that "roger" is old slang for "penis" or "to have sex with"?
Hmm. That gives new meaning to the term "Jolly Roger."
And "Roger that."
Roger Moore.
Rodgers and Hammerstein.
Mr. Rogers.

 

by kane2742
12-04-07
I heard that there's a parasite contaminating some sports drinks.
That explains that slogan...
"Is it in you?"

 

by kane2742
12-04-07
Kane here may be a vegetarian, but he's not gay.
I don't see what one has to do with the other, but you're right...
I don't put any meat in my mouth.

 

by kane2742
12-04-07
I read this book that said when oil runs out, agriculture will only be able to support 2 billion people.
So the other 5 ½ billion are going to die?
Probably, but don't worry; it'll mainly be people in poor countries.
That'll teach 'em to be born in the wrong place.

 

by kane2742
12-04-07
Alright class, it's time for course evaluations. First I want to tell you about a comment I got last year.
It said the worst thing about my class was that my pants were too tight. Ha ha. Now I'll leave so you can do the evals.
"Pants ... not ... tight ... enough."

 

by kane2742
12-05-07
You should work out more. You know, exercise produces endorphins that make you happy.
The word "endorphins" always reminds me of dolphins.
Because they have a lot of the same letters?
No, because of the high I get from killing sea mammals with my bare hands. That's some good exercise.

 

by kane2742
12-05-07
I took the kids to Dairy Queen earlier.
What'd you get?
They got cones. I got the shakes.
You mean "a shake"?
No. Did you know they don't serve alcohol at DQ?

 

by kane2742
12-05-07
Did you notice that The Divine Comedy wasn't really, you know, funny?
Um, it's not really supp--
Though that part with the guy getting trampled by everyone was kind of amusing.
I hate this kid

 

by kane2742
12-05-07
I think I'm going to finally try to ask out that girl I like. I'll sing her a song to impress her.
Can you sing?
"Can I sing?"
No, really, I don't know.

 

by kane2742
12-05-07
What are you going to sing to this girl?
I don't know. Something classic. Something romantic.
Maybe... a Beatles song?
Do you know the words to any Beatles songs?
Just "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?"

 

by kane2742
12-05-07
So what Beatles song did you end up singing to her? "Love Me Do"? "Something"? "I Wanna Hold Your Hand"?
None of those.
Don't tell me you sang, "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?"
No, actually I went with the only John Lennon song I know all the words to. It didn't go well.
"Mother"?
"Beautiful Boy."

 

by kane2742
12-05-07
You sang "Beautiful Boy" to the girl you want to date? That's... weird.
That's not the weirdest part.
It gets worse?
Her brother was there.
Uh-oh.
On the plus side, I did get a phone number.

 

by kane2742
12-06-07
Young man, why were you trying to steal the Bill of Rights?
I just wanted to take it outside.
Why?
Grandpa always says that fresh air is good for the Constitution.

 

by kane2742
12-06-07
Why's your shirt pink? Some kinda metrosexual thing?
No, I just did laundry on my own without my wife's help.
And you didn't separate the whites from the coloreds?
I thought we'd moved past that in this country.

 

by kane2742
12-06-07
Gee, Brian, what are you going to do tonight?
The same thing I do every night, Pinkerton...
Try to take over the world?
No. Watch TV then go to bed. What you said is just stupid.

 

by kane2742
12-09-07
Something smells good.
Smells like fried food.
Would you like to donate some money to help battered women and children?
Sure.
Mmm.... battered women and children. Maybe that's what I smelled.

 

by kane2742
12-09-07
This one has "BHA and BHT to retard oxidation."
Retard oxidation?
What's that, rust on someone with Down syndrome?

 

by kane2742
12-09-07
If you buy three boxes of Chex, you get a little packet of seasoning to make Chex mix.
Or you could just shoflift the packet to use with the Chex you already have. It's conveniently pocket sized.
There's an employee right behind me, isn't there?

 

by kane2742
12-09-07
Geez, are you getting enough booze?
It's for later this week.
It's Saturday at 5pm. There are only 7 hours left in the week.
And your point is?

 

by kane2742
12-09-07
Hey, look! A full-service gas station.
You don't see those much anymore.
Yeah, they've all been going from full-service to self-service over the last several years.
Kind of like my sex life.

Showing page 4.

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