All comics by william_wraithe

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by william_wraithe
3-30-08
Fed up with K-Fed, Britney Spears finally let him go ...
I always said he was small ....
Yo! I'm still somewhat alive!
Now to get my kids back ...
I can't feel my fucking legs!
Maybe I can turn that into a song ...?
Do I get fifty percent of that ...?

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
Man! This fucking salvia is awesome ...???
I just got to ignore that big mooshy thing in back of me ...
Why does IT keep LOOKING AT ME! STOP IT! STOP IT!

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
Back at the office.
So .... how did the salvia thing go?
It was different.
That's it? It was different? That's what you got to say?
Yeah ...
Hmmm? So, uh ... how can you change colors like that?
I don't want to talk about it.

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
During a Zombie Outbreak, Robbie Robot tells Rudolph the truth.
Rudolph.... there is something I have to tell you.....
Yeah ... sup, Robbie?
Remember last christmas when you asked me if I knew what happened to your red nose?
yeah ... and?
I used it to pork my robot friend ... Rosie. It was so bright that she thought it was a french tickler .... one thing led to another and ...
Well, it did guide Santa's sleigh .... so I imagine it could guide that ...

 

Death finally got appreciated for what he stood for....
Fucking fan mail!? FAN MAIL!!??
by william_wraithe, 3-30-08

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
That is the last fucking time I let you drive my car!
Hey, I told you I drank a little ...
A little!!??? You call eight long island ice teas, two margaritas, a Johnny Walker, Three Wise Men, and a Whiskey Sour a little!!???
yep ...
gasp
At least I didn't drink the green alcohol and beat you with a fucking oar.

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
Two very different souls find themselves locked up together in prison.
I can't take this shit anymore..... if I have to listen to one more word about God, I am going to shoot myself.....
Yes, the Lord will grant you mercy no matter what you do ... it is all about faith.
I know all about sin, my son. I know the pleasures that it brings .... I look to God to help me; to save me from Hell.
SSSSSSTOOOOP! PLEASE GOD, MAKE ME DEAF!!! GOD, SAVE ME FROM THIS HELL!!!!
God always had a sense of humor, didn't he?
I always thought so .... plus he looks after his kind.

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
After all of those years of Elmer Fudd chasing Buggs, the leaf has finally turned over ...
And I said .... I GOTZ YUR SHOTGUN RIGHT HERE, DOC! And then BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! I fucking shot him right up the asshole! And when he was lying there like a dead carcass, I said ...
YO, WHAT UP, BIATCH! WHO'S YUR FUCKING DADDY NOW?!!!
It sucks to be insane on a deserted island ...
YEAH! MOTHA FUCKA! YEAH! WHO'S THE BITCH NOW?!!! I DON'T SEE NO FUCKIN' SHOTGUN NOW!!!

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
Why Pirates are no longer insured ....
Mr. Red Beard... I don't know how to say this exactly but, your insurance won't cover the loss of your hand ...
arrr.....
It just so happens that just last week they changed the rules and do not cover bathroom accidents anymore related to pirates and dynomite.
ARRRRR!
What the hell?
We's gots a place for crooked insurance agents ... it's called the gallows. Feel free to hang around ... hee hee

 

Jesus was saved .... before he saved humankind.
Oh, God! Thank God for this helmet, otherwise Judas would have killed me by flatulance before my time to die ...
by william_wraithe, 3-30-08

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
This is where naughty boys who masturbate go when they die ....
And it will continue on forever .... just like this.

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
How the KKK really started ...
OOOOOO .... listen to me Jebadah Coksmacker...
W-What!? Who's there?
I am here to tell you your destiny to eradicate those who are not pure!
I-I'ma listening, great spirit!
You will start a clan to rid the world of impurity .....
Isn't that the same thing all religions do? I mean, it kinda sounds like religion ... really.

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
This is your brain on drugs ...
This is your brain on drugs ....
Ow ...
Yeah, I imagine that would hurt ...

 

by william_wraithe
3-30-08
Down at the Mass Murderer Institute of Life in Cadbury, New Hampshire ...
So, Mass Murderer Subject # 234 .... what made you kill those people?
Simple ...
yes? YES!? TELL ME!??
pop rocks ...
We have another failed subject!

 

by william_wraithe
9-27-08
On the other side of the world, things look bad for china....
Hmmmm. Should I tell her about milk being poisonous? Or should I say nothing?
Then again, why would the governement tell us anyway?
Scuse me, Ma'am?
Yes, Doctor Plauzable?
The truth is ... no one will ever know the difference until it is way too late.
Well, the run down is ... the milk you are feeding your baby has nothing bad in it. Just remember the phrase "Got Milk!?"
Thank you Doctor. I was beginning to worry about that.

 

by william_wraithe
9-27-08
Somewhere in a secret room, the two most powerful beings talk about secret stuff!
Hey, God. What's the matter with you?
You been watching the McCain & Obama campaigns lately?
Yeah, it seems like McCain is winning!
Hrummph!
????
Not if I have anything to do with it!

 

by william_wraithe
9-27-08
Twenty years ago .... before Phil actually self-proclaimed himself as Dr. Phil ....
Oh, Lord ... I wish I could wish upon a bright and yellow star to make something out of my loser life!
This is God, Phil .... stop wacking off in the the closet and call yourself Dr. Phil ... then you won't be a loser anymore. This is the powerful word of God! Represent!
Gasp! Um ....
That night ... Loser Phil became Dr. Phil .... did he take God's advice, or does he still wack off in the closet?
Do I really have to stop wacking off in my closet though?

 

by william_wraithe
9-27-08
Somewhere in America, Brad Pitt has actually gotten some alone time and wants to see if he's still got it ...
Hey, baby! My name is Brad Pitt, and I think you are hot!
Look, loser. I know you are with angelina jolie ... ok? Go be a washed up star somewhere else before I call your psychotic wife to kick your ass.
Ouch, that really hurts ...
And now wishes he was back in Africa with his wife ...
No, the truth hurts. Sorry, buddy ... start reading the writing on the wall sometime ...
I think I see someone I know ... excuse me.

 

by william_wraithe
9-27-08
Somewhere downtown Boston on a very bright and sunny Tuesday morning ...
Hey, fucker ... is your name Sam Wescott?
Uh, no ... why do you ask?
SHIT! FUCK! GODDAMN GPS LED ME TO THE WRONG FUCKING SOUL ONCE AGAIN! WHY CAN'T THERE BE A FUCKING GOOGLE SOUL FINDER, HUH!!!!????
Not very many people can pull the wool over Satan's eyes and live to tell about it ....
Well, sorry .... gotta go now.
Hey, waitaminute! Why are you covering up your name-tag like that!

 

by william_wraithe
9-27-08
Between breakfast and naptime in the Johnson Residence ...stress has become a touchy subject.
Um ... so, like ... my mommy says you're not real ... that you are a figment of my imagination caused by the after effects and possible shock of being just born not to long ago ....
that's funny ...
why?
Stress is stress people .... no matter who you are.
I thought you were the post-traumatic stress I endured last summer when a fisherman yanked me out of the river by my mouth with some crude hook on a line.

 

by william_wraithe
9-27-08
The last of the great debates between McCain and Obama ....
Come on, guys .... it's not like this is sudden death or anything ... um, right?
an hour later ....
Um .... guys ... I SAID ... IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS SUDDEN DEATH OR ANYTHING! um, yeah ....
You know what they say .... bullshit is also flammable .....
Aw ... shit ...

 

by william_wraithe
9-27-08
Obama asks why McCain never looks him in the eye when he talks about him ...
can you even look me in the eye?
hello
Are you dead?
Hello ...
Oh, come on Obama ... even braindead retards need loving too ...
What the fuck am I doing talking to this clown ... you obviously don't have an independent thought in your head, do you?
Mary had a little lamb ... little lamb ...

 

by william_wraithe
9-27-08
Once again, Dr. Phil is caught between a rock and a hard place ....
DO IT, DR. PHIL! THE CLOSET IS RIGHT THERE, NOT EVEN TWENTY FEET FROM YOUR PERVERTED ASS!!!!
Closet .... God's will .... wack off .... or burn in hell?
to whack or not to whack ... that is the question.
he's gonna do it ... trust me.
hand ... check! lube ... check! picture of goat ... check!
Some things are very hard to decide upon, I guess ....
DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
Oh, Lord ... I just don't know. I like playing with Baby Philly Cheese tube steak ..... but gosh darn it .... God said NO!

 

by william_wraithe
9-27-08
Somewhere at a Christmas Party in Yankerville ....
Dude, are you really Dr. Phil ....!!!???
Why yes little weird man ... I ... am ... DR. PHIL!
Nice to meet ya, son ... put'er there!
Yes .... why did New York put those hand blowers in the bathrooms of every rest area stop?
Not on your life, Philly .... I wouldn't shake your hand for a bazillion dollars .... by the way, you left some of your pud on the sleeve. ...
DAMMIT! Why did New York ever put those damn hand blowers in the the bathrooms of the toll roads anyway! How am I suppose to wipe away my sins with a fucking hand blower!!!!! FIUCK!!!

 

by william_wraithe
5-27-10
Oh, my Lord ... What the Fuck Happened? Why are these cops here?
You don't remember anything?
um .... nope. My head sure hurts though.
Which head you talking about?
Why?
The cops are here cuz you had your wicked way with my cat and she is now pregnant!

 

by william_wraithe
5-27-10
This is what happens when you do online dating....
Hello, Fair Lady! I am your Superman and I have come to save you!
Oh God! What have I done!?
A blind, crazy Superhero wearing Depends? You gotta be fucking kidding me?
Hello? Fair Lady? I can hear you breathing! Just speak so I can know where you are!
Maybe I can run and he won't hear me....
Yep, we all make mistakes at one point or another ... let this be a lesson to you!
There you are Fair Lady! Feast your eyes on my awesome body and chicken underwear!
Just a little farther ... Oh Shit, he has the ability to read minds too!

 

by william_wraithe
5-27-10
What happens to crazy people after they kill ... and are also necrophiliacs.
Wow, she sure does have a pretty mouth ...
Oh, so pretty ... want to suck the weeny ...
Now you know ...
Oooooh!

 

by william_wraithe
5-27-10
Somewhere, in a secure location ... the President has plans for the evening.
Yo, Obama ... is it true what they say? Are you a true porn star?
Yo, bitch! I got the horse right under the hood. Plus, being the Prez gots its perks, ya know!
You wanna do me dirty with that big flagpole of yours?
I always wanna help the nation out! Yep, dat will do juz fine. Spread it like dat!
No matter where you are, or who you are ... one thing is for sure ... someone is always watching you.
Put it in already, Mr. President!
I hope dat no one takes a video of dis shit! I could be impeached n dat would suck ass!

 

by william_wraithe
5-27-10
Dis is one fairy tale that does not end well ...
Yo! You Little Red Riding Hood, little girl?
Does it look like I am wearing a fucking red hood?
The old saying goes, mind your elders ... and never talk to strangers!
You sure do got a mouth on you don't you!
Fuck off, perv!
Due to the graphic nature of this comic, we could not show you the ending ...

 

by william_wraithe
5-27-10
Larry went to Mexico for a trip and bare witness to a sight he would never forget ... so he called his friend Donkey.
So, uh ... Donkey. This is my place.
Yeah, now why did you call me here?
We all know what Larry wants ...
Yeah, about that ... see, I was in Tijuana, Mexico ... and I seen this show there ...
What the fuck are you talking about?!!! And why are you fucking looking at me like that?!!! STOP IT!
And yes, it doesn't have anything whatsoever to do with bottlecaps ...
Step into my apartment like a good little donkey ... I want to show you my collection of bottlecaps!
Somehow I don't think he has bottlecaps on his mind ...

 

by william_wraithe
5-27-10
Things that make you go WTF!!!??
Ahem ... are you God?
What was that? Uh ... you say something?
I asked if you were God?
Yep, I am kid ... but don't go praying on me ... I already gave my last prayer to Obama ... now I am done for good with the answering prayers crap.
Sweet niblets ... I was robbed!

 

by william_wraithe
5-27-10
What can you find on Ebay ...?
Yes! Yes! Fucking Hell Yeah! I purchased the only life-sized Jesus replica in the whole FUCKING world!
Think, Melvin! Think! Think! Think!
Anything you fucking want ... that's what!
Hmmm .. now where am I going to hang him .... I don't want to get crucified by all those religious bigots!

 

by william_wraithe
5-27-10
Even dreams can get crazy ....
Hellooooo Stanley! Oooooooh!
What the Fuck! Who are you!!???
I am your lost kid ... Stanley! I am the sperm you wiped on your sock!
NO FUCKING WAY! Th- Th-That's IMPOSSIBLE!
Especially if you go to sleep right before you whack off ...
YES! EVEN NOW I AM ALIIIIIVE!!!
OH GOD! HOLY SHIT! WHY, OH, WHY!??? WHY DIDN'T I JUST USE TOILET PAPER AND FLUSH YOU DOWN THE TOILET LIKE A NORMAL PERV!

 

by william_wraithe
6-01-10
Do you ever wonder where magick made characters go when they are sick?
Alrightyyyy then Mr. Frosty. Time for your check-up!
Happy Birthday! Wait, where am I?
I guess there was some magic left in that old hat ...
You know the drill! Drop, and spread'em!
Oh, sweet Christmas balls! Not you again?!!!
Just not enough to get poor Frosty out of his rectal arrangement....
Do I have to call the Abominable Snowman in here again to hold you down?
Why couldn't I be given a pair of ruby slippers, instead of this stupid magic hat!

 

by william_wraithe
6-01-10
One odd day in Heaven ...
Are you OJ Simpson?
Yes, I am. Are you that writer, Stephen King?
Yep.
wow, can I have your autograph?
Nope. I only write horror, I don't condone it.
What? The glove didn't fit ... didn't you watch my classic trial DVDs?

 

by william_wraithe
6-01-10
What the end of the world looks like after a nuclear holocaust ....
Oh, Brarneby! I truly do love you! You take the wind right from my very lungs!
Sigh .. I love romantic movies.
I have a surprise for you, Margaret! Do you want to see?!!! ZZZZZIIIIIIIP!!!!!
WTF!!??
OH, LORD!!! WHAT IS THAT THING?!!!! BARNEBY, YOU'RE SCARING ME WITH THA ... (choke) (GASP) (GAG)
Goddamn LMN! Tricking us with romance, and it turns out to be softcore porn!

 

by william_wraithe
6-01-10
Little Johnny lost his medication ...
I believe I can flyyyyy .....
HUH?
Little Johnny was lost in translation ....
Just flap my wings and touch the skyyyyy......
Little Johnny now has realization ....
Shit, they found me!
We need a couple of doses of funny meds right away! Little Johnny thinks he can fly again!

 

by william_wraithe
6-01-10
You ever wonder what happened to the plant from Little Shop of Horrors?
FEED ME!
Why did I ever buy you from Ebay?!!!
It was bought on Ebay by a witch ... who also had never seen the Little Shop of Horrors ...
Come on n feed me!!!
Fucking stupid flesh eating plant!
so, never stand close to a flesheating plant that talks and says "Feed ME!"
Thank you ...

 

by william_wraithe
6-08-15
When someone says there are no monsters in the closet ...
PsssT
???
Bribery doesn't really do it, either ...
If you come into the closet here where it's dark I can show you something awesome.
No thanks. I have seen all the horror movies. I know what happens when they go into the closet, and then come out of the closet.
Threats don't do it either ...
GET IN HERE OR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!
I guess you won't be coming out of the closet then?

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