All comics by 0401040

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by 0401040
1-22-07
Meanwhile, far above the Planet Earth.
So, yeah, I'm sorry I missed your call, but I was...
Captain, I'm over here. You don't have to keep talking to me on the communicator.
Listen, I'll have to call you back later.

 

by 0401040
1-22-07
So, if I understand what you're saying, you want me to head to Alpha Piscium and make love to as many women there as possible?
That's not what I said at all.
It's a tough assignment but somebody's got to do it!

 

by 0401040
1-22-07
Captain, you don't understand, the colonists on Thaylar Prime are under attack.
Attack you say?
Yes attack. And you're here thinking about gratuitous sex.
Gratuitous sex you say?
Captain, if you don't shut up and listen to me, I might have to punch you in the face.
In the face you say?

 

by 0401040
1-25-07
And then, on Thaylar Prime...
Any life signs?
I can't tell. The tetracorder seems to be malfunctioning due to the radiation.
Yo, sexy-pants, run an orbital scan for me sweetie.
What?
Captain, I must insist you stop referring to Lieutenant Brian Selkirk as sexy-pants.

 

by 0401040
1-26-07
Who are we looking for again?
The ambassador of the Thaylari government.
I've never even heard of these "Thaylari". What do they look like?
Hello there.
HOLY FUCK, MOTHER OF GOD IT'S HORRIBLE!

 

by 0401040
1-27-07
Alright, what did you do, you smelly bastard? My man is over there crying.
I did not intend to cause offence.
Well how could you not cause offence? You're about the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
Gee thanks.

 

by 0401040
1-30-07
Okay, you guys need help defending your planet from the Quizalian Empire, right?
I think at last, after seven hours of explaining, you finally understand what we told you in our distress call several days ago.
So, these Quizalians are what exactly?
As I have already explained, they are a proud warrior race seeking to expand their Empire
So what's wrong with that?
Okay, that's it, fuck off.

 

by 0401040
1-30-07
I do apologise for the Captain's manner.
He is a buffoon. A buffoon of the very highest order.
So, what exactly do you require from us to defend your world?
We seek an alliance with your people. We have no wish to destroy the Quizalians, we simply require a deterrent.
And what do you have to offer our alliance?
This green fish. It is a delicacy among my people. Watch out for the poison glands though.

 

by 0401040
2-01-07
HIS EYES! HIS HORRIBLE HORRIBLE EYES!
Don't worry, I'll protect you sweet cheeks.
HIS HORRIFYING HORRIBLE...
Sweet cheeks?
Damn it, stop being so forward!

 

by 0401040
2-12-07
Okay, we have discussed your proposition, and we feel that you have nothing of value to offer of our alliance.
That is unfortunate.
Not to mention the fact that you are extremely ugly, and you smell like microwaved shit.
I'll tell you what... I'll go and smell like microwaved shit over there, and you go behind that building and jerk off to a picture of your father, you obviously repressed homosexual.

 

by 0401040
2-13-07
I think the Captain is having trouble keeping his mind on the mission.
And what makes you say that?
FLASHBACK
Captain's log: Remember to buy new curtains. With frills!
Quite.

 

by 0401040
2-18-07
Meanwhile, back on Earth.
This is the place.
Are you sure? It looks like a paper store to me.
Positive. This is the headquarters of Toraz Corporation.
Okay.
Actually, I think this might be a paper store.
What gives you that idea? Is it these endless piles of paper by any chance?

 

by 0401040
2-18-07
So now we're lost in a paper storehouse... You've really ruined my afternoon you know that?
Come on, man, I'm sorry.
Saying sorry doesn't find us a way out though does it?
Peace man, take a chill pill.
You're such a dick.

 

by 0401040
2-18-07
This is definitely it this time.
It'd better be, or I'm going to punch you.
Okay, apparently the CEO is in the boardroom. Go get him tiger.
No more cruelty to animals! We demand you stop the unethical testing of your products on animals immediatly.
But sir, this is a dog food company...

 

by 0401040
2-22-07
Meanwhile, on Thaylar Prime. Again.
Hmm, something's not right.
You're right, I really shouldn't have eaten that lasagna for breakfast.
My tetracorder is picking up a radioactive signature that coincides with Earth's nuclear arms technology.
What does that mean?
Sir, I can't be sure, but I believe the weapons that caused this devastation may have been supplied by...
EARTH?! Dun dun duuuuuuun....

 

by 0401040
2-22-07
Are you absolutely sure about this?
I have run several tests which seem to confirm my hypothesis.
That's it, those bastards at Earthtech must be stopped!
You seem oddly motivated to do the right thing in this instance, Captain. Even though it will mean fighting a hopeless battle.
Actually, fuck that. Let's just get off this rock before the Thaylari find out.
You're my hero.

 

by 0401040
3-11-07
And so, a day's flight to Earth later... on Earth.
FZZZZZZP!
Hey there son.
Wait a minute, who the fuck are you?
I'm a starship Captain, I'm looking for the headquarters of Earthtech.
Nice beer belly, asshole.

 

by 0401040
3-13-07
So, what, you're here to protest animal testing by Toraz Dog Food corporation too?
Well, no, we're actually here for a much less retarded reason.
Oh yeah?
You see, we have evidence that Earthtech have supplied arms to an alien world for the purpose of invasion of another world.
I must admit, that is signifiantly less retarded.
To a gargantuan degree.

 

by 0401040
3-20-07
The unwashed fellow outside informed me that this is probably the headquarters of Earthtech.
Let's go find those bastard suits.
And so...
Do we really have to wait for them here?
Everybody needs to use the bathroom at some point during their day.
You know, everybody needs to drink as well, we'd probably be as well waiting at a watercooler.
Woah, a condom machine!

 

by 0401040
4-03-07
So, what are we doing hanging out in the bathroom?
We're waiting for the CEO of Earthtech.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Good plan huh?
The CEO has his own personal bathroom.
Boy, you sure look sexy when you're angry.

 

by 0401040
4-03-07
Who are you, and why are you dressed like a clown?
I'm the CEO of Earthtech, and I'm dressed this way for charity.
CEO of Earthtech huh? You supplied arms to Quizalia to aid in their conquest of Thaylar Prime, right?
Right?
... I refuse to make further comment without the presence of my attorney.

 

by 0401040
4-09-07
Dude, where are those guys? I think I found the chap they're looking for.
They're in the building still looking for him.
Get this man, the guy is dressed as a clown!
Pretty ridiculous huh?
Says the man in a tie-dyed shirt and rainbow bandana.

 

by 0401040
4-16-07
Okay sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave on authority of the CEO of Earthtech.
I'll have you know I'm a starship Captain.
Sir, I'm going to have to ask to see your Captain's licence.
Fuck you.

 

by 0401040
4-24-07
So, did you find the guy?
What guy?
The CEO of Earthtech, he was dressed like a clown.
No, we just got kicked out of the building.
I think you need to take this to the President of Earth
Aw, do I have to? She's a total bitch...

 

by 0401040
4-24-07
Meanwhile, in Washington...
My word, this is an auspicious day. Secretary of Defence, please fetch me a beverage.
Oh I'll get you a beverage...
What was that?
I said GO FUCK YOURSELF.

 

by 0401040
4-24-07
Man, I'm so glad I kicked those filthy Jews out of office.
Woah...
FZZZZZZP!
Security! Some asshole is teleporting into my office!
So, madam President, we meet again...

 

by 0401040
4-24-07
So what is it that you want Captain?
I have urgent news. Earthtech have been trading weapons offworld for use in illegal warfare.
Ah, the Quizalians right? Good to hear everything went as planned.
Wait, what? You were in on it?
Come on Captain, the Thaylari are so damned ugly they are an insult upon God. They must be destroyed before their heresy spreads.
You're one to talk.

 

by 0401040
4-28-07
Moments later...
Yeah, so get out of my office before I call security.
Actually, while you were talking I sent a coded transmission informing the sexy Lieutenant Selkirk to transport us both to the ship.
YOU DID WHAT?
I sent a coded transmission informing the sexy Lieutenant Selkirk to transport us both to the ship.
Fuck me.
No thanks.

 

by 0401040
4-29-07
So what do we do now?
Uh, you just kidnapped the President of Earth. Either we run, or we'll go to Prison.
Prison? I can't go to prison... You know what they do to guys like me in prison.
I would have thought that would be right up your alley.
Up my alley?
Yes Captain, right up it.

 

by 0401040
4-29-07
Back in Washington...
Secretary of Defence, any updates on the whereabouts the President?
This Administration will issue a formal statement at 1400 hours.
How's your wife, by the way?
Fuck you Bill.

 

by 0401040
5-04-07
Far above the world...
I've got money, I'll give you anything you want.
Don't try anything stupid madam President.
I'll have sex with you...
Eughck!
Well? How about it sailor?
For the last time madam President, I am not putting my dick in you.

 

by 0401040
5-14-07
Back on Earth, yet again...
Hi, I came to pick up some of my stuff.
Be quiet alright, I just put Jonas to bed.
Are you sure we can't work this out?
We've been over this...
Can't we just have sex one more time?
Go back to bed Jonas! Your Daddy was just leaving.

 

by 0401040
5-22-07
Jesus, you are the best, you're really so much better than the rest, my faith can withstand every test!
You sacrificed yourself for me, so that I may one day be free, up in heaven singing with thee!
Several minutes later...
Sing your name, your holy name! YOU'RE THE KING OF KIIIIIIIINNNNGGSSS! Everybody sing along!
JUST FUCK OFF!

 

by 0401040
6-09-07
That Christian troubadour is still outside singing. He is harshly offending my antitheist beliefs.
Just ignore him.
But if they have the right to stomp around singing about their "God" then I should have the right to point out the flaws in their arguments.
What flaws?
The ones that comprise 90% of the Bible.
But the other 10% is pure gold right?

 

by 0401040
6-09-07
Meanwhile... Back wherever the hell these guys were last...
I am the President of this planet, either you release me or I will hang you all for treason.
Madam President, you are in no position to be bargaining here.
As we speak, the authorities will be on their way, tracking my position via satellite.
Shit... Didn't think about that.
Moments later...
So you're saying satellites can only track people on the Earth's surface?
I'm saying maybe I should deal with the President from now on.

 

by 0401040
6-10-07
Earth...
What a tough week. My wife doesn't want to see me again
But on the plus side sir, the President was kidnapped, so you can now convince the public of your suitability for the position.
True, we may finally be able to overthrow her theocratic dictatorship and restore freedom to the world.
And when you become President, you will make me Vice President?
Let's talk about that later...
If you don't mind sir, I'd rather we talk about it now. Before I put my arm into you.

 

by 0401040
6-10-07
In the deep dark dungeons of some other dimension where demonic denizens do dwell...
What news from the Thaylar front?
Our Earth allies helped us to victory, oh Great Betentacled One.
Good, and what of our undercover agents?
They have performed their tasks most admirably. However, we believe our primary agent has been captured.
It is of no consequence, provided her duty was carried out.
It was, Great Betentacled One. Those feeble humans are so easily fooled. Being that they are fools.

 

by 0401040
7-22-07
Back once again for the renegade master. On Thaylar Prime.
So, that is the situation as it stands ambassador.
I am humbled by your honesty, but what are we supposed to do about it?
If you will come back with us, we can present our case to the Earth Senate. I expect they will be more receptive.
I will do as you suggest. I only hope that your Senate is not as confused as your President.
Prepare to be disappointed.

 

by 0401040
7-31-07
Back above the planet known as Earth...
This is Earth. From orbit I mean.
It's pretty small.
This is the headquarters of Earth's government.
It's pretty extravagant.
This is an office.
It's pretty covered in white stains over by the desk there.

 

by 0401040
7-31-07
Days later, back in orbit.
So why did you bring my out of the brig?
Sorry to keep you waiting madam. I have just been informed that as of now you are no longer President of Earth.
WHAT? HOW?
Well, it seems that a lot of Earth's non-christian citizens thought you were a bit of a nutjob, so they were pretty happy when you went missing.
You have no idea how much trouble you are in you little shit... You'll never get away with this, you and your little atheist buddies.
Well, I'm happy to report that you can go fuck yourself. In the eye.

 

by 0401040
8-17-07
Congratulations, Mr. President. Do you have any answer to rumours that you are instating a robot as Vice President?
I intend to make an announcement regarding my restructured Administration later today.
Now that you are President, I suppose your wife will be happy.
Or are you two still seperated?
That microphone isn't even switched on is it?

 

by 0401040
9-08-07
So why did you drag me back out here? We already established that they're a dog food company...
Yeah, but what else are we supposed to do now that this whole evil president situation has resolved itself? Get jobs?
You know, work for the man?
Come closer so I can slap you.

 

by 0401040
9-08-07
Man, those filthy rotten jews... How dare they do this to me?
Well well well...
Woah, Great Betentacled One... What are you doing here?
I came to congratulate you on your success, and your contribution to the Quizalian Empire.
It was an honour to serve your mighty Tentacleness. Your mighty sexy Tentacleness.

 

by 0401040
9-22-07
And so, in a vessel orbiting the Earth.
Looks like everything turned out okay after all.
Is it just me, or was that all a little too easy?
And just what do you mean by that?
Let's just wait and see before we go declaring this a victory.
Back to Earth.
Secretary of Defence, we meet at last...
Um, security... there's a large Cephalopd in my office talking to me...

 

by 0401040
11-08-07
I think you understand my purpose in being here.
Fuck. I thought she was kidding.
Surrender, and the Human Race will have a place in God's Empire.
And if I don't?
I'm sorry, I think I phrased that as if there was another choice.

 

by 0401040
11-12-07
It is with... uh... glad tidings in my heart that I welcome you, the people of Earth to God's New Empire.
And... I... effective immediatly I am resigning from office... Now, will you please welcome to the stage, the Lord God.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, It's good to be here.

 

by 0401040
1-18-08
Three years later.
Oh by the way, IT'S EARTH!

 

by 0401040
1-18-08
On some unknown planet.
Well this is another fine mess you've gotten yourself into Captain. You couldn't just leave it alone could you?
But what was I supposed to do?
SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING YOU FAT SACK OF SHIT!

 

by 0401040
1-18-08
Get back evil alien scum!
Captain, it is me. You are suffering from a fever.
Captain's log: Unable to communicate with alien lifeform, seems to be primitive and incapable of language
Oh bother.
I fear I must face the fact that I may never find out where I am.
WE'RE IN ARIZONA.

 

by 0401040
1-18-08
Great Betentacled One, I come bearing news of our operation.
Yes?
It seems the remaining humans are surviving in makeshift colonies in the Earth's deserts using shield technology to hide their locations.
Only thing for it then.
Yes Great Betentacled One?
Flood the Earth again...

Showing page 5.

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