All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

I haven't had it in so long, I think my virginity has grown back.
How long has it been?
Hmmm...let me think...two weeks, but the last guy doesn't count.
Why not?
He was under the size limit.

 

It must suck (no pun intended) being a vampire.
Why do you say that?
Well, as an immortal, you remain the same age while those you love grow old and die.
Well, I'm gay, so my longest relationship was nine months.
Oh, congratulations.

 

So what do you think--is Spongebob Squarepants gay or not?
I've never been able to watch more than 30 seconds of it without changing the channel, but I'd say he isn't just based on his wardrobe.
Then again, his best friend is a pink starfish.
I knew it!

 

There's a new book out alleging Abraham Lincoln was gay.
Apparently, he slept with men, and his best friend once commented on his perfect thighs.
I guess he was splitting more than rails back in Illinois.
Ooh.

 

There's abook out alleging that Jesus was gay.
I would doubt that.
What about all the evidence in the book?
Look, getting nailed once by a bunch of Roman soldiers doesn't necessarily make you queer.

 

So I'm fucking a new guy.
Oh yeah? Who?
He works at In-N-Out.
I know what you're thinking.
Next you'll be hanging out at Top of the Park

 

There's a particular site I visit...
Hey there. Nice smile.
Let's check his profile...
Nice gaping butthole.
THANKS!

 

San Francisco has to be the gayest city in the world.
Actually, I think it's Baker, California.
That little shit-town in the desert on the way to Vegas?
Yeah, the town has a Mad Greek, a Bun Boy, and the world's largest thermometer.
Kinda makes me pucker just thinking of it.

 

I saw this on the local news last night...
An example of a successful prison work relase program for sex offenders is this ice cream shop...
THAT'S a great idea--you never find children in ice cream stores!
...in the gay part of town...
Well, I suppose there are comparitively fewer kids in that neighbourhood.
These men have just started working there...
Okay, looking like that and working around fags has got to be the epitome of cruel and unusual punishment.

 

I'm interested in guys who are younger and thinner than me.
That pretty much narrows it down to everyone.

 

You won't believe what happened to me last night.
What?
I BLEW A SEAL!
In your car?
No, I took him home first.

 

As a Mormon, we are not allowed to drink alcohol or coffee, use tobacco, do drugs, or engage in impure sexual behaviours.
Yeah, but you get to have as many wives as you want.
If you people were allowed to marry, you'd see that isn't the reward you think it is.

 

I think I might be...you know...
Maybe its the drugs and alcohol talking, or maybe I'm so naive I've mistaken your interest in me as genuine, but I'm going to make the mistake of sleeping with you.
Just remember, when I say, "I'll call you," it means, "You'll see me at a club with someone more attractive than you."
All that agony and drama has made me a better person and now I realize who my true friends are.
Great, he finally returns my call and he's over his slutty phase.

 

I've always been into older guys.
I haven't.
You don't think older guys are hot?
Not really.
Why not?
Because I don't need anyone to buy me dinner.

 

Hey--you haven't called me back.
Oh...yeah...sorry about that.
So are we ever going to go out again?
To be honest, I don't think we clicked.
What about all those times we had sex together?
I was just making sure.

 

REPENT! REPENT! Or you shall be cast in Hell for your immoral man-loving ways!
Ahhhh-CHOO!
Bless You.
That was easy.
See...now this is why I hate you people.

 

This program contains discussion of same-sex marriage. Parental discretion is advised.
How come Fox warns parents of discussion of same-sex marriage when it's on The Simpsons but not when it's on the O'Reilly Factor?
Because nobody on The Factor supports it.

 

Did you make this salad yourself?
I made it at the salad bar at Ralph's.
I do that too.
If I could toss my own salad, I'd never leave the house.

 

Wanna play circus?
What's that?
You lay down over there and perform tricks under the Big Top.
How is this different from the last time you made this comic?
I'm uncut in this version.

 

I'm in a new play where a bunch of the male actors are on stage fully naked.
Do you get naked?
No...and judging from how the other guys are built, it's a good thing I don't.
So you've been staring at their junk?
Me? Uh...no...but, hmmm, my character has. Yeah, that's it! My character is a big fag who can't take his eyes off of cock...even after the scene is over and the audience has gone home.

 

Your baby keeps staring at me.
He must like you.
Maybe his gay-dar is going off.

 

I hate BET. Black Entertainment Television! BAH! You could never have a TV channel just for white people because it wouldn't be politically correct.
Apparently, you've never seen Country Music Television.
I hear they're going to have a cable channel just for the gays.
We already have one--Home & Garden TV.
Yeah, well, where is the cable channel just for the straight people?
It's called Fox News Network.

 

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
And everything I would like to be.
You are the wind beneath my wings.
Sounds like the most action your cooch has had in years.

 

Do you like Asian guys?
I'm not much of a rice queen.
So you wouldn't date a Filipino?
Sorry, I just bought one of those no-flip mattresses.

 

You never go out to any of the gay hangouts.
I do too.
Where?
Does Ikea count?

 

When did you start your coming-out process?
When I started dating a fag hag who was into anal sex.

 

I noticed you aren't much of a hugger.
I am in the right circumstances.
So why are you so apprehensive whenever I make the move to hug you goodbye?
It's just weird hugging straight guys.
Are you afraid one of us is going to interpret it the wrong way?
No, its just that hugging straight guys is about as much fun as kissing my grandma on the lips.

 

I'm thinking of running for some sort of political office.
If I do, I'd want you to work for me--you have government experience and you're ruthless.
I could be the man behind the man.
If I had a dollar for every guy you said that to, I could finance my campaign.

 

Do you ever find it ironic that I always play the straight man for you?
Not really.
I don't think you could be anything except the butt of my jokes.

 

We will conclude our evening, as we conclude each of our evenings, with a questionnaire invented by the great Bernard Pivot of Apostrophes and Bouillon de Couture...
What is your favorite word?
Bravo.

 

What is your least favorite word?
Miniature.

 

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
It would mean so much to me if I could photograph you masturbating.

 

What turns you off?
Did you just flick my button?

 

What is your favorite curse word?
CORNHOLE!

 

What sound or noise do you love?
SLURRRRRRRRP SLURRRRRRRRP SLURRRRRRRRP

 

What sound or noise do you hate?
So you wanna go out again?
SLAMM!

 

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Do infertile couples really want gay men's sperm?
We're selling you based on your photo, education, and income...where do you think you people come from?

 

What profession would you not like to do?
If you follow the rules, don't have sex, act or think impurely, you'll get into Heaven. If you don't follow the rules, you get all the young tail you want. It's win-win.

 

Finally...If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
You were right--Heaven doesn't exist.

 

Have you seen that new reality show on Bravo, Showdog Moms & Dads
Yeah, that might be the greatest TV show of all time.
I'm glad we never fought like that gay couple does.
We did in my head.

 

Hey, cutie. Wanna hookup?
You're a bit out of my age range.
So you're not interested at all?
Not yet.
When will you be?
When I'm your age.

 

Just let me blow you. You don't have to do anything--just lay back and enjoy.
No thanks.
I give the best head in town.
You'd have to have blown every guy in town to have that independently verified.
That's why you're next.

 

Hey, wanna pull our pants down and play with our boners?
What makes you think I'd have a boner too?

 

Oh, my god! You're from San Diego? I grew up there! Are you dating anyone? I could totally set you up with my friend Karen.
Actually, I'm...
Not into fat chicks? I knew it! I have another friend, but she has serious issues and a few kids...are you interested?
I'm gay.
You're so funny; she likes guys with a sense of humor. Should I call her or what?

 

You look like you know how to really screw a guy.
Yeah, give me your social security number and I'll ruin your credit.

 

Wanna go party with me and my girlfriend tonight?
What's the occasion?
It's Taco Tuesday!
Isn't that every Tuesday for you two?

 

You make me LMAO.
Perhaps you'd like to meet some time.
Not until your ass grows back.

 

I've been watching you for a while, and I finally got the courage to come over and ask if I had a shot at going out with you.
Wayne Gretzky said, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
So you'll go out with me?
No.
What was all that bullshit about Wayne Gretzky then?
Even The Great One never made all the shots he actually took.

 

How do you know you were born gay and that it wasn't something from your childhood that made you that way?
I was never in the Boy Scouts...
And I've never been in a Catholic church.

 

So I'm thinking about getting a group of 10 guys together. We each chip in $5 and get a hotel room and have an orgy.
Are you interested?
No.
Why not?
If having sex with a bunch of nasty strangers isn't enough reason, doing it in a $50 hotel room is.

Showing page 5.

« Previous Next »