All comics by BlackSheep

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by BlackSheep
5-28-07
Hey, Sister! How do you get a Nun pregnant?
Go ahead, Father. Enlighten me!
Dress her up as a choirboy!

 

by BlackSheep
5-28-07
Bert...last month had another one of those sphincter shredding big hard poops! Its like trying to pass a piece of concrete or peanut brittle!
Geez, Bill! Your poor pulsating poopster must be raw! What did you do THIS time?
I filled up a turkey baster with warm Mazola Oil and lubed my Hershey highway with it.
How's it working out for you?
I shat great for about 2 weeks but I have a 100 ml. symbol embedded on the inside of my left butt cheek!
Umm...don't bother inviting me over for Thanksgiving dinner, ok!

 

by BlackSheep
5-28-07
Bert...I had a really weird shit today!
Geez, Bill...do you hafta?
It had all kinds of branches, leaves and twigs in it! It sorta looked like a bag of bad weed! I felt like a frikkin' rabbit!
Have you eaten anything unusual lately?
Well, come to think of it...I did eat a strange beaver last night!
Dam!

 

by BlackSheep
5-28-07
Bert...I had a poop SO big and hard today that I was spotting like a woman 10 cm. dilated and ready to give birth! I was crying like a little schoolgirl at her first rock concert!
Shit, Bill! I think its time you got an anal speculum from a sex shop or off the internet to help get those things out, man!
I've tried getting them out with darning needles, electric toothbrushes, apple corers, egg beaters and I've even sat ass in the tub and tried to steam them out with an electric kettle!
Holy crapola! That's dangerous shit, man! You need help! So, what's next on your implements of destruction list?
A corkscrew! Maybe a WaterPik butt-blasting shower attachment! I don't know where I can get one of those lyposuction utensils! That would be cool!
Bill...have you ever considered calling RotoRooter or using a Dremmel?

 

by BlackSheep
5-29-07
Bert...How come all male architects, hair stylists and those TV interior design artists speak with a lisp?
Well, Bill...It could only be one of two reasons.
Ok...What's the first one?
All of those people just so happen to have been born with a natural lisp or speech impediment.
I think that's highly unlikely, Bert. So, what's the second reason?
They're all as queer as three dollar bills!

 

by BlackSheep
5-29-07
So then, Bert...Is there any way you can tell if a guy is queer or straight if he has a natural lisp or speech impediment?
Easy, Bill! Just reach into the front of his pants!
What's that gonna prove?
If he smacks ya in the face, he's straight but if he asks you out for dinner, he's a fag!

 

by BlackSheep
5-29-07
Bert...There ARE gay guys though that don't speak with a lisp! How can you tell THEN?
Get up real close to one of them that you suspect is gay, Bill, but don't know for sure and take a whiff of his breath!
Here we go again. What's that gonna prove?
If his breath smells like shit, for sure he is either queer or likes licking his dog's ass!

 

by BlackSheep
5-29-07
Hey! What's that guy doing in OUR dog park, Sam?
O, its ok, Ruff! He's with blind Sparky! Its his seeing-eye man!

 

by BlackSheep
5-29-07
Bert...there ARE guys that are gay but practically can't enjoy the liffestyle!
What the hell do you mean by that, Bill?
Well...if he has buck teeth for example! Or maybe...he has a terrible anal gag reflex!
ANAL GAG REFLEX? Shit...I've never heard of that one!
Here's another one, Bert! What if he had a colostomy?
Yep...I hear ya, Bill! Can't see anyone getting aroused over licking a plastic bag and some tubes!

 

by BlackSheep
5-29-07
What really bothers me about gays, Bert...is the fact that they are SO overt about it! No tact! No class! And...those fucking parades! "WE'RE HERE! WE'RE QUEER! WE'RE NOT GOING TO DISAPPEAR!"
Yep, Bill! Sure don't see straight parades, chants and a lot of making out, groping and grabbing in public places much!
"WE'RE GREAT! WE'RE STRAIGHT! WE DON'T HAVE TO MASTURBATE!"
Umm...Bill...I may be straight and married but...the masturbation thing is definitely high on my daily priority list!
Ok..."WE'RE GREAT! WE'RE STRAIGHT! WE DON'T HAVE TO MASTURBATE EACH OTHER!"
Doesn't rhyme! Stick to READING poetry, Bill!

 

by BlackSheep
5-29-07
Its time we stood up for ourselves and stop unnatural sex acts involving gays and gerbils! Let's get organized! A gerbil uprising! A rodent rebellion! Stop cruelty to gerbils! Stop the abuse!
All of my pet shop friends have had their tiny teeth knocked out with tack hammers and have been involuntarily declawed just for the pleasure of gays!
Many of my buddies got Ecoli infection! The symptoms are sudden onset of abdominal pain and severe cramps, followed within 24 hours by diarrhea after being pulled out of some gay's butt by the tail!
Pet shops should stop selling gerbils to any males with a lisp, colorful feminine clothing, a limp wrist or one of those closely cropped queer moustaches!
Ya...or to any guy that has subdued squeaking sounds coming from his ass!
We need a gerbil abuse hotline! G.A.G.! GERBILS AGAINST GAYS! Support us NOW!

 

by BlackSheep
5-30-07
Bert...how do you feel about some gay waiter in a fancy restaurant bringing you your food?
Bill...I'm MORE concerned about the little fruitcake PREPARING my meal in the kitchen!
Shit, ya! Kinda makes you wonder how the special salad dressing was made, eh?
Or the custard in the dessert!
So, how are we going to rectify this little problem, Bert?
Well...we can eat only in biker bars for a start!

 

by BlackSheep
5-30-07
Bert...why is it that when gay guys come out of the closet they change their names?
What do you mean change their names, Bill?
Well...A guy who everyone always called Dave, lets everybody know he's gay and wants to be known as David all of a sudden! Chris...no, no! Its Chrithtopher! Jay...uh, uh...its Jaython!
Hey, you're right, Bill! We'll have to ask the guys from Rodney and Lancelot Interior Designs upstairs about that!
ROD AND LANCE! Sounds so manly! Like a couple of prongs! No...more like WEAPONS OF WARRIORS! Rodney and Lanthelot...soft, feminine, mysterious, romantic, yet...with an element of danger.
You've put way too much thought into this, Bill, but I DO wonder now what lezbo, carpet chewing dykes do when they come out?

 

by BlackSheep
5-30-07
Bert...I've often wondered what makes a guy go gay or what a gay guys sees in another guy, haven't you?
Umm...no, Bill!
Sometimes I've tried to imagine it like after our squash games when we've showered together. I've seen you from behind, naked, bent over, your hairy ass with the boys a swingin'...
AGH!
...all soaped up with your big brown eye staring at me just begging for love!
Umm...wanna play pool next week, Bill? Maybe the horse track, ok?

 

Bert...could you imagine if we ended up with a gay president in 2008?
Yep! Introducing President Bruce and the First Man, Christopher!
by BlackSheep, 5-31-07

 

Bert...Do you know how far away Napoloean slept from his wife?
Sure, Bill. It was a Bone-apart!
by BlackSheep, 5-31-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-31-07
You'd think, Bert...that there would be a lot of gay proctologists out there, eh?
Yep, Bill! They certainly like getting into their work!
But, then again...just because someone likes dogs doesn't mean they would like poking around in a dog's ass!
On the other hand...I like women and wouldn't mind poking around women's asses for a while!
I like children and have two of them but would I like poking around...
YOU'RE SICK, BILL!

 

by BlackSheep
5-31-07
I ate a goldfish once, Bert!
That doesn't make you gay, Bill! I swallowed a live worm in public school!
That doesn't make YOU gay, Bert!
I heard a story about this guy named Bruce who stuck a gerbil up his butt!
THAT MAKES HIM GAY!
THAT MAKES HIM GAY! Oh my...a falling star!

 

by BlackSheep
5-31-07
Bill and Bert visit the special school for children of gay fathers.
A B THEE D E F G...
...Q R ETH T U AND V...
Hey, Bert...Wasn't it nice of our company to have us speak at this school for kids of gay fathers?
Dunno, Bill. It seems they're still having basic problems with the alphabet!
No, no, no! Their whole families speak this way! Its called an 'S' deficient dialect caused by parental imprinting!
AN 'S' DEFICIENCY? Good one, Bill! Maybe they just need more fruith and vitaminth! Ok...not the fruith! Shit! Let's get outta here! I'm starting to develope an 'S' deficiency!

 

by BlackSheep
5-31-07
Bill and Bert visit the special school for children of gay fathers.
Hi! I'm Michael Crankright, the teacher here at thith thpethial thchool. You muth be Bill and Bert, todayth thpeakerth?
Hello, Michael! What's with the policeman's outfit?
I've been teaching the clath Y.M.THEE.A., that thong by the Village People. My kidth juth love to do the acthionth! Would you like to join uth?
Umm, no, Michael. I just had a colostomy operation but thanks nonetheless for the offer.
Colostomy? Good one, Bert! And what about me? Let's get outta here! I wanna go home and crank up some Steppenwolf!
Don't tell me, Bill, that kids of gay fathers don't get screwed up! Look at that guy over there in the evening gown...he's the principal! I'm puttin' my leathers on and going for a ride on the Harley!

 

by BlackSheep
6-12-07
Hey, Bert! Did ya hear they let that gay guy Michael from upstairs go?
What! For being gay?
No! He was caught blowing bubbles in the lounge!
So, what's the big deal with chewing gum there?
Huh? Bubbles! You know...Bubbles the clown that watches the kids in our daycare!
Maybe he really sucked at his job, Bill!

 

by BlackSheep
6-12-07
Bert...I think I finally understand the psychology behind guys that go gay.
How so, Bill?
Well...if you really think about it, who better knows how to please a man BUT another man?
THAT'S really frikkin' sick, Bill!
You go out with a new chick and you hafta tell her, "Hey! You're not trying to start a chainsaw here you know!"
Shit, Bill! I don't even own a chainsaw!

 

by BlackSheep
6-12-07
Bert...I blew a seal yesterday!
What? Did you go to the zoo or the marine aquarium or something? That's sick, Bill!
Huh? My car! I blew a transmission seal on my car!
Oh! I just never know with you, Bill. Next thing you're going to tell me is you yanked your crank!
In my car?
I shouldn't have asked!

 

by BlackSheep
6-13-07
Bert...if you were gay or ever inclined to think that way, would you find me attractive?
Bill, where the hell are you going with this? I'm NOT GAY!
I know! I know, but would you find me attractive?
Ok, you're attractive!
Aha! So you DO have SOME latent gay tendancies like just about all men! Is it my eyes? My butt?
Ok...its your eyes, ok! You're sick! Do I have a good butt?

 

by BlackSheep
6-13-07
Good morning Mr. Koslowski. Pull my finger!
Hello, Bill, ok.
PFFFRRAA-EEEFFTT...POP!
He-he, he-he! Gotcha!
That's disgusting, childish and unbecoming for our employees, Bill!
Good morning, Bert. Pull my finger! I think my knuckle is cramped again.
Um, I don't think so Karl. It smells like shit in here already. Pull my leg! My sphincter is cramped again!

 

by BlackSheep
6-14-07
Leslie...I shaved my legs for Karl this morning but I'm having SUCH problems with the blades not lasting!
Well, Marly...I know you're not furry like an orangutan so what type of razor do you use?
I use the triple-blade vibrating type along with a shaving gel, Les.
You go with AND against the grain, right?
Yep, on my left leg and the right one which is a prosthesis!
Shit! She's REALLY a blonde!

 

by BlackSheep
6-14-07
Bob...what did ya think of my buddy Dave and his new bike?
He's an asshole and his bike is a piece of shit!
I'm planning on moving to Elliot Lake and buying a new Jeep!
Elliot Lake is a hole and Jeeps are crap!
Well...what if I bought a new Harley FLH Ultra and moved to Milwaukee then?
I can live with that!

 

by BlackSheep
6-14-07
That's a pretty cool video you put up on YouTube, Obama! CNN has been talking about it all day!
So...what would YOU do to change America?
Bring the 160,000 troops home from Iraq NOW and spread them over the 2000 miles of US/Mexican border! Illegal immigration, border security and the Iraq war, RESOLVED!
HOLY CRAPOLA! Why didn't I think of that? Its really THAT simple and its what most Americans WANT!
So why can't I just be president then?
Because you make way too much sense!

 

by BlackSheep
6-14-07
The Telethon Day 1
I'm Benny Hinn, the most successful, most well known and biggest TV evangelist in history! I need all of you now to send in $1,000. to help this ministry stay on the air!
The Telethon Day 2
I just want to thank the hundreds of people that sent in $1,000. yesterday! That is why we're still on the air today! I know out there, are some that can send $50,000. to help us stay on TV!
The Telethon Day 3
Thank you to those dedicated followers that sent in their $50,000. gifts yesterday. That is why we can be here today! I sense that some out there can donate a check for $100,000. to keep us on the...

 

by BlackSheep
6-14-07
Billions of dollars spent on the international space station, Yuri, and it could all be for nought! Wasted! Fucking Russians!
Reeck...iz da cheap, low-tek Ruskie komputers again!
If the Russians can't fix the computers, the space station is lost! Might as well just let it float out into space! Fucking Russians!
Da, da...fukingk Ruskies!
Who are you anyway? I don't remember you on our flight up?
I'm da Ruskie komputer teknologist sent here to look at da problemk!

 

by BlackSheep
6-16-07
Grump addresses his flock.
SHEEP...now, when we go on this charity ride tomorrow, it would be proper etiquette NOT to wear your colors! Its a symbol of respect to the other biker clubs, ok?
Huh?
Look at me! I'm fucking white!
Uh...we're sheep, Grump!
He's gone colorblind!
Oh, shit! He forgot his glasses again!

 

by BlackSheep
6-16-07
A few more weeks and boot camp starts!...
No air conditioning! Tents the whole summer! Rain! Heat! Cold! Muck! Some pimply faced 22 year old drill sergeant up my ass! IMPs, those individual meal packs every day! YUM!...
I'd rather eat EVEN Leslie's cooking! Les frollicking around in the sun all summer! Hanging out with those Black Sheep! Shit...serving my country IS tough!

 

by BlackSheep
6-16-07
Hey, hey...its the Monkees, Terry! People say they monkey around! I'm a believer, Terry but I'm not your steppin' stone!
Grump...whatever you do, don't tell the Black Sheep that we actually went to see these guys, ok, or else I'm gonna make you a daydream believer!
Hey, Michael! These guys think we're that music group from the 70s!
Well...we'll just string them along, Peter!
Micky...the people that are coming to see us sure look old!
Looked in a mirror lately, Davy? Your hair is white!

 

by BlackSheep
6-18-07
...and when you go to Afghanistan or Iraq, Steve, what are you going to do?
Sikh and destroy terrorists!
How will you do that?
Well...for one thing is we'll use heat-Sikhing missiles, Machmoud.
Shouldn't it be seeks?
Oh no...its Sikhs!

 

by BlackSheep
6-20-07
And remember...without SPROGS we wouldn't have freedom and the civil liberties we all enjoy today! Be PROUD that you're a SPROG! SPROGS are heros in training!
Huh! We're SPROGS?
I thougt a SPROG was a gear on my Harley!
SPROG sounds like a diseased amphibian or something!
SPROG sounds so green, wet and slimy!

 

by BlackSheep
7-08-07
Sonofabitch!
I didn't bring enough smokes to boot camp and they don't sell any on base!
Oh well...that's all you need...an angry army recruit with no smokes and a machine gun!

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