All comics by Chi_The_Cynic

Profile

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-29-04
I'm looking for an IT role
Hmm, no IT jobs here, I'm afraid
Ok, how about administrative or office-based?
No, none of those either
I could think of one office-based vacancy that might be opening shortly...
Sorry I can't help, but good luck with your job seeking!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-29-04
At Adecco
Hello, I'm looking for a-
Uh, let me stop you there - our policy is to direct all job seekers to our website first - you can search for vacancies online
At Reed
My name is-
Save it for the online registration form, son! You can register online and search for jobs on our website!
At Select
Before you say anything, I was just wondering what you guys actually do for a job? All I hear is "go to our website" - so what do you do yourself?
Well, if you visit our company website and click on "About Us"...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-01-04
At Carrington Recruitment
It's ok, I know, you want me to go to your website...
No...
Really? Wow, so you're going to deal with me personally?
No.
But you said...
I said no because our company doesn't have a website.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-12-04
See those 100 newly arrived, boxed up computers over there?
Yeah, I see them
Well, 3 of them have got DVD drives, trouble is we don't know which 3 'cos it doesn't say on the boxes
He's holding a pen knife, I don't like where this is going...
...and while you're at it, you can make a note of each serial number for each PC and write it on the box, then sort the boxes into sequential order!
Argh! In my absence, the IT department has transformed into Admin! Why was I not told?!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-12-04
IT guy! You're back, I'm so pleased, I need you to sort something out
What can I do for you, Noreen?
Well, I'm having a bit of trouble downloading the internet
You can't download the internet, Noreen
Says who? I'm going to see the boss about this, he'll soon put you in your place! I used to work for Formula One, you know!
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-13-04
As I was watching TV earlier...
Ok, this is it, the million pound question, are you ready?
Yes, I'm ready
What is the official language of China?
Asian!
Uhh...
So, do I get the money now?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-14-04
The phone's ringing in the office, can you go and answer it please?
Caller ID Display: Noreen, Admin
They rang off before I could answer.
Funny, I could swear the phone's still ringing...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-15-04
Hello, DHL? Can you deliver my new handset upgrade to my work address please?
Sorry, you'll need permission from o2 first
Hello, o2? I'd like my phone delivered to my work address as I am not at home during weekdays
Sorry, that's not my department, I'll transfer you
bing-Bing-BING! Your call has been disconnected.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-15-04
Dear o2, I would like my handset delivered to my work address because I am not at home during DHL's delivery hours, please arrange it with them
1 minute later
Ah, a reply!
Want to track your order online? Visit DHL's website to find out where your package is!
Dear o2, I would like to cancel my contract...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-20-04
Ok, so talk me through how you've been adding printers to the Print Server...
Ok, well, first of all...
Some minutes later...
That's a bit of a fiddly method, I think we should use a newer piece of software
But... this method works fine, why fix something which isn't broken...?
Why were you using this outdated software anyway?
The words 'Here's the software, get on and find out how it works' spring to mind

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-21-04
The website is often the first and only contact our clients have with this organisation, and it's just not up to date! What sort of impression do you think that gives?
I mean, the website is where people go to find out about our company, and it's currently giving them outdated information - how do you think they'll react?
Our website is the first port of call for people all around the world, and they're reading things from the past when they should be reading about the present! How do you think that makes us look?
And I was really enjoying my cup of tea, too...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-21-04
Ahh, Rob, glad I caught you - that mouse you asked me to replace...
Yes?
Well, it worked just fine when I tested it - why did you ask me to replace it if it wasn't broken?
I wanted a nice new shiny optical one instead!
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-21-04
We really need someone to update the website... I don't suppose you'd have the time to fit it in?
Well, I'm pretty busy with IT support and maintenance, but I could do some web work in the evenings
Of course, I would expect some extra income
I'll tell the boss you're not interested

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-21-04
Working in a school is food for thought... take that guy over there, for example
He runs the design and technology department - he could be thinking about any number of fascinating things right now
Hey! You can see her knickers!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-24-04
December 1998
Peter Mandelson has been dismissed as Trade Secretary following news of his secret loan from Paymaster General Geoffrey Robinson
It was revealed that Mr. Mandelson borrowed money from the public purse in order to buy a new house in Notting Hill
January 2001
Following his reappointment as Secretary for Northern Ireland, Peter Mandelson has again quit the government
Allegations of misconduct were made concerning Mandelson's role in passport applications for the wealthy Hinduja businessmen
July 2004
Peter Mandelson has been appointed as Britain's European Commissioner to the EU
Mr. Mandelson went on record as saying he wanted to cut to the heart of European bureaucracy and corruption in order to make Brussels accountable to the people

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-25-04
Ok, while me and your Dad are away, just make sure you give the plants some water now and again
Yeah, sure, no problem
At some time between my watering the plants and my parents arriving home
What... what happened here? I thought I asked you to water the plants?!
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-04-04
I'm having trouble with my computer, can you come and fix it now?
What seems to be the problem?
I'm trying to copy one document into another document using Word, but it's not working properly
Are you not a secretary? Is proficiency using Word not a requirement for your job?
It's not words that I have trouble with, it's putting them all together which throws me!
I couldn't have said it better...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-05-04
Week 1
Noreen just rang, she needs help opening a Word document
Ok, tell her I'll be right down
Week 2
Noreen's on the phone wanting to know if we have a spare moment to-
Tell her we don't get spare moments in this department, but I'll see what I can do
Week 3
That was Nor-
No.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-09-04
Did you get my phone message?
No.
Oh.. I do hope I have your correct mobile number
Why are you smirking?
I don't know what you mean...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-10-04
Sssssssssslurp
Sssssssssssssssssslurp
Shut up! SHUT! UP!
What?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-10-04
I'm going on holiday tomorrow
Haha! Yes! I mean, have a good time, take as long as you like, won't you?
Next day...
Ring!
Ah, I have no need to fear the phone any longer
Hi, this is Maureen from admin, which way round do I put my floppy disk into the computer?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-11-04
Gah!
What's wrong?
Every time I log into Yahoo! Mail just recently I get a huge closeup shot of Madonna's cleavage!
That is pretty awful
Yeah, I mean what about a few ass shots? Otherwise what's a man got to look forward to?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-16-04
I THINK WE NEED TO CREATE SOMETHING BETTER FOR OUR CLIENTS!
YES! THE CURRENT DOGGY HOME RANGE IS NOT AS GOOD AS IT COULD BE - I THINK THE FUTURE LIES IN SQUEAKY TOYS!
Effin' this and effin' that! I was effin' into it, effin' proper!
Too effin' right!
Why are the loud conversations always the most mind-numbingly boring ones?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-17-04
I'm trying to send an attachment to the accounts department but Word keeps saying I need to save the file first
Well, you have to save the file first, otherwise there's no file to attach to your e-mail
There is a file! I can see it on the screen!
Yes, but it's only a temporary file whilst Word is open - it has to be saved if you want to send it somewhere else
But I don't WANT to save it!
Come back, Noreen, all is forgiven...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-19-04
So, Mr. Henman - you're going for gold this year?
Yes. Yes, I will play well. That is to say, better than I usually do.
Henman crashes out in the first round
And now our olympics round up!
An exciting day for Britain, we were very close to winning a bronze medal in the women's synchronised diving!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-21-04
Ah, hello, I'll be right with you, but do you mind if I just nip out for a cigarette first?
Would it make any difference if I said I did mind?
Even if you do mind, you can't possibly say so! That's just not right!
So then why phrase it as a question? Why not just say that you're going out for a cigarette instead of asking me if I mind or not?
To keep up the pretence that I actually care about what you think, of course
Oh yes, silly me...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-21-04
Ouch! Sorry!
But I trod on your foot, you didn't tread on mine - it should be me apologising to you
Well, you should apologise for treading on my foot, but I should also apologise
Why?
For getting in the way of your foot
No wonder we never had a revolution, the peasants were too busy apologising for being oppressed

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-21-04
That'll be twenty pounds, sir
Here you go
Um, sir, you've given me twenty five pounds
Yes, that includes the tip
But sir, this is a self-service buffet restaurant
Well, I can hardly tip myself, can I?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-21-04
At any restaurant anywhere
Eurgh, the food tastes horrible! And the juice smells off
Yeah, mine doesn't taste much better
I'm going to complain!
Good idea
Did you enjoy your meal, ma'am?
Oh yes, it was very nice, thank you!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-22-04
Well, would you just look at that rain!
Why? It rains here virtually every day, what's the big surprise?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-22-04
What'll it be?
Hello my good man, could you tell me what beers you have on sale?
Well, we've got Carlsberg, Fosters, Stella, Kronenburg and Carling
No, you misunderstand me, I asked you what BEERS you had on sale
Um.. we've got Budweiser too?
Goodbye.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-22-04
I appear to be lost, I'll ask that man over there for directions
Hello, I was just wondering if you might be able to...
...no, I suppose you wouldn't, would you? Sorry to trouble you!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-24-04
I could really scream sometimes, it makes me so mad! There's just so much work on top of me right now, and I can't cope with it!
How do they expect me to work more hours than there are in a day? It's impossible! I cannot wait for the weekend, really I can't!
Everything going to plan, people?
Yes, sir! Everything is a-OK!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-24-04
She walked out on me, there and then! I turn up to work the next day and get given my cards, and before I know it I'm on the dole!
Then my mother passed away on the same day that the dog got run over, and I broke my arm trying to change a light bulb!
And if that wasn't bad enough, the bank told me I've gone beyond my overdraft limit and they'll be sending the bailiffs round!
Still, not to worry, eh?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-01-04
You called about a problem with your PC?
Well, when I switched it on this morning, it didn't log on straight away
Ok, but it's logged on now, I see?
Yes, I managed to get it logged on after a while
So... what's the problem you need fixing?
Oh, no problem - I just thought you needed to know that I'd had a problem earlier which I have since fixed myself

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-02-04
Oof! I knew that curry for breakfast was a bad idea... Still, nobody's around to notice
Urgh! What just died in here?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-29-04
Ladies and gentlemen, we are now about to start our descent to Beijing Airport
Urgh, 10 hours of flying, thank goodness it's over
Ah there she is, the reason I've travelled half way across the world - I bet she's been looking forward to this day all summer
You're dumped

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-29-04
Ok, I'm not going to tell my parents that we've broken up
Erm, why not?
Because you're staying at my house as my boyfriend, and if they found out you weren't, they'd throw you out
Why would they do that?
This is a two bedroom house, you're sharing a bed with me
Oh...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-30-04
In political news, Tony Blair has been told he has to undergo heart treatment
Doctors say that they may just be able to give him one if a suitable donor comes forward

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-03-04
We are sorry to announce that there is no driver for this tube train, please get out and wait on the platform
Please stand back while the train departs so that we can make way for the next train
So who's driving the train now?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-06-04
So how are things with you and your millionaire internet boyfriend?
Really great - I'm flying out to Romania to see him next week!
One week later, downtown Bucharest
Welcome to my home, Maura!
This is your home? I thought you said you were a millionaire?!
That's right! In Romania, everyone is a millionaire!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-08-04
The institution of hereditary peers was quite simply inappropriate in a nation that boasts the mother of all democratic parliaments
What was your plan for replacing those hereditary peers that you ousted from the House of Lords?
Well, initially we had a royal commission to produce a report, which was of course shelved, err, I mean carefully considered
And in the interrim?
Oh, I continue to appoint the peers myself
Reassuring to see democracy is alive and well in your hands, Prime Minister

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-08-04
If you've just joined us, welcome back to our interview with Mr. Blair, looking back over his time as Prime Minister
Hello
Tell us about your policy on tobacco advertising in sport, Prime Minister
Quite simply, it is ridiculous to advertise debilitating drugs in the sports arena, it goes against the principle of good health in sport
But following Bernie Eccleston's £1 million donation to the Labour Party, you made an exception for Formula One racing, did you not?
Well, come on, car driving is hardly a sport, is it?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-08-04
You have a very close relationship with Republican President Bush, don't you, Mr. Blair?
Oh yes, me and George are best pals
Did you not also have a very close relationship with Democrat President Clinton?
Well, Democrats, Republicans - they're all the same thing, really
Like the Tories and New Labour?
Shh, don't ruin the pretence! I'm still relying on gullible Old Labourite votes in the next election, you know!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-10-04
Going to war with Iraq flew in the face of public opinion, Mr. Blair, and now it transpires that there were no WMDs in Iraq anyway
Yes, but if you really believed me and George went to war because of WMDs, you're a little naive
Even so, there can be no doubt that this whole affair has cost your party dearly in the public approval ratings
And your point?
Well, do you not worry for the result of the next General Election?
Haha! That would suggest that the people had any choice over the matter

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-10-04
So, you'll only be Prime Minister for one more term, Mr. Blair?
Yes, that's right
Three consecutive terms is still a massive tenure, why stay so long?
I'm biding my time, waiting for Governor Schwarzenegger to make the necessary preparations
Preparations, Mr. Blair?
Trust me, there'll be a Constitutional Amendment any year now, and when it happens I'll be on the next plane to the States

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-11-04
Hey, let's go into that club, guys!
A club, yeah, great idea...
Aren't you going to come and dance with the rest of us?
No, I'll just sit here and enjoy the music...
Eff! Eff! Drums! Drums! Shake yo' booty, we're not even effin' singin' but yo' all effin' dancin', effin' eff! Scritchy scratchy scratch!
Maybe I'll just sit here.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-14-04
Iraq: a country torn apart by American and British aggression, with terrorism on the increase and hostage situations growing rapidly more frequent
Britain: the media is abuzz with the latest news
It has now been proven conclusively that there were no WMDs in Iraq
Meanwhile, in the Houses of Parliament
To pressing matters, my honourable friends: fox hunting

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
11-10-04
During the course of this interview I'll be making notes, but just to keep a record of what you say - so don't worry, I'm not making comments about you
Right.... Accenture is chiefly a provider of innovative IT solutions, and he's recording what I say with a pen and notepad?
Furthermore, he hasn't asked me anything yet, and he's already writing reams...
Be right with you!
Ok, now he's clearly sketching... he might just as well take a photo and be honest about it

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
11-10-04
I'm going to ask you a number of questions to test how you think on your feet
Right
They will, of course, all be relevant to your application for a role as an equity research analyst
OK
So, give me an estimate as to the number of maternity beds currently available in hospitals throughout the UK
What?!

Showing page 5.

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