All comics by DrMorton

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by DrMorton
11-11-07
Dear diary! Oh the waves of joy and excitement rushing through my body today when I finally dared to beam into fellow cadet Spock´s dormitory right the moment he prepared to go to bed!
The look he gave me - so innocent and unsuspecting, yet so full of secret knowledge - sent shivers down my spine. When I approached him I feared my trembling feet could fail me any moment!
Then I kicked him in the nuts and beamed out before he could react with that Vulcan death grip of his. That´s what you get for copying my moves in the Annual Starfleet Zero Gravity Ballet Contest!

 

by DrMorton
11-12-07
I´ve always wanted to experience the sensation of floating in space.
Yep.
It feels like there´s no limit, no strings holding us back. Like we will sail on forever.
Yep.
I shouldn´t have cut the tube connecting us to the space station, huh?
I stick with my previous line of statements.

 

by DrMorton
11-16-07
And seeing the multitudes , he went up into a mountain; ... And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Does "plain stupid" count as "poor in spirit"?

 

by DrMorton
11-19-07
This so cool - my first serial killer robot!
I wonder why mom insisted I only used it in the garage? Anyway - let´s see what that shiny red button does!
I see her point. The drain in the floor comes in rather handy.

 

by DrMorton
12-03-07
So the red button made my serial killer robot attack me. Let´s try the green button then.
Interesting technique. I didn´t expect it to twist the axe inside my stomach before pulling it out again.
I guess I really should read the manual first. ... if the blue button doesn´t work.

 

by DrMorton
12-13-07
This time I´ll activate my serial killer robot from outside the garage. That should provide a comfortable safety zone.
It´s got X-ray vision! Cool.

 

by DrMorton
12-25-07
As chairman of Rodent & Rodent Ltd. it is my great pleasure to announce the friendly takeover of the Santa Claus Toy Factory facilities at the north pole. In the future our company will provide ...
Friendly takeover? You people forced me to hand over an enterprise running in my family for hundreds of years by ...
Cut the crap, old man! You should´ve known that business idea of yours wouldn´t work out. Producing and giving away toys for free!? Hah! What was that all about?
But children all over the world loved me for that!
Well, as it turned out love interests don´t cover loan paybacks. Ho! Ho! Ho!
Rats!

 

by DrMorton
1-16-08
Where am I? That´s not my apartment. I don´t remember how I got here!
And I´m half naked.
Which could be a good sign.

 

by DrMorton
1-17-08
Your third wish?
Your third wish!?
Hmm, I got a nice haircut, I got a groovy shirt - I really don´t have anything else to wish for.

 

by DrMorton
1-18-08
For career day I give you my uncle Mortimer. Judging by his appearance many of you will come to the seemingly obvious but ultimately incorrect conclusion that he´s a firefighter.
In fact he´s made an impressive career in the serial killer business, specializing in paralyzing his victims with gas - hence the mask - before chopping them up slowly while they´re fully conscious
You may have noticed I provided additional gas masks for myself and those loyal to me. Before I hand out the one remaining mask I´d like to hear how you intend to grade my report, Mrs. Crabbenstein?

 

by DrMorton
1-21-08
A three legged cloud horse from Betegeuze VI and an almost fully reincarnated sulfur moth from TrES-1 step into an acid shower bath. The horse says ...
Hey, I know this one! The moth replies "And where did that fourth leg suddenly come from?"
What´s wrong with you people?

 

by DrMorton
1-26-08
Damn! So the boss WAS right!
Mr. C, the rhinoceros was indeed another inflatable decoy created by your arch nemesis Nietzsche. It exploded when I poked it.
Curse you, Nietzsche! By Jove, I swear I´ll get him this time! If only my father had lived to see it!

 

by DrMorton
1-27-08
So you say you´re a fairy and you grant me three wishes. I wish I could believe that.
Granted.
Hey, great! You´re really a fairy. Then what are you doing in prison? I wish I knew.
Granted!
So you´re just passing through to grant me three wishes. How awesome. I wish my brother was here to see that!
What the ... ?

 

by DrMorton
1-28-08
Tell me again. Why have we been guarding this space station for thousands of years?
Question ... no result ... memory bank ... damage ...
20000 years earlier.
DNA scan results are in. Those earth creatures really bear genes of our sacred forefathers. We will have to observe them and preserve them for eternity.
I just wonder how that is possible?
2 million years earlier.
Care for a masturbating contest?
Sure. I bet I can shoot as far as that shitty little planet over there!

 

by DrMorton
1-31-08
So a bigger left breast was your first wish.
A bigger right breast the second.
Sigh! What´s the third?
A push-up bra?

 

by DrMorton
2-02-08
Repeat after me: "Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
C´mon!
I refuse to. There´s no scientific proof.
Useless creature!

 

by DrMorton
2-04-08
So Jesus came again into Cana of Galilee, where he made the water wine.
And if you come to my private tent later I´ll show you how I make baking powder cocaine.
And what´s so special about that?

 

by DrMorton
2-05-08
Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted?
I don´t remember Jamie Oliver sporting a beard!? The guy´s an impostor!
And he knows shit about cooking.
Solucion ees eezy! You put ze chili een ze zalt!
He didn´t mention me in his speech. That´ll cost him!

 

by DrMorton
2-06-08
Behold, the days come, that I will sow the house of Israel and the house of Judah with the seed of man, and the seed of beast.
We´re ready. Let the days come.
Finally the times of secrecy and shame are over.

 

Even when he proved that he could really piss the silhouette of William Shatner into the snow Butch failed to score with the girls.
by DrMorton, 2-08-08

 

Why do you give me THAT face again, my dear?
I told you so many times I need more personal space. Do you have to be around me every second of the day?
by DrMorton, 2-09-08

 

by DrMorton
2-09-08
Whoa!
What´s up?
I just realized I´m the Golden King of Blades and I´m gonna bring eternal bliss to all of you weeds everywhere!
Don´t say you did it again, dude! Didn´t you hear what the preacher said last Sunday?
No?
Thou shalt not smoke thy neighbours!

 

by DrMorton
2-09-08
What the ... ?
Shit, I forgot about rule #19: With Mexicans always check if they´re empty-stomached before you swallow them ...

 

Aaaaaaaah!
by DrMorton, 2-18-08

 

Truls-Age gives Tobor a crash course in black metal posing.
Wrong hand again, Tobor!
by DrMorton, 2-22-08

 

by DrMorton
2-28-08
Yay! Saturday night! Are you ready to hit on some hot chicks, Chuck?
I´m not coming. I can´t go out like this.
Sigh! What´s wrong this time?
I overdosed on viagra. Seems that above a certain dosage not only your dick starts to swell. See?

 

by DrMorton
2-29-08
He which testifieth these things saith, surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so come Lord Jesus.
MARY MAGDALENE?!?!
I didn´t tell him. I could as well ask you how he knows that.

 

by DrMorton
3-07-08
I can see you there.
No, you can´t.
I can see you there.
No, you can´t.
I can see you there.
No, you can´t.

 

by DrMorton
3-10-08
The only thing that could come between these two sisters ... is a kingpin.
How dare you hit on Henry, Mary! He was supposed to choose me.
I didn´t. You scared him away when you went for that triple strike and hit his head instead.
But you didn´t have to hold his hand while he came to! Now I´ll never find out why they call him Kingpin.
What am I to do, Anne? Our parents now want me to marry him because he´s the owner of Bowl-O-Rama Empires.
You were always jealous of me because you never managed triple strikes.
Don´t lose your head over this, sis. Don´t lose your head.

 

by DrMorton
3-19-08
Suicide pact, anyone?
I´m in. Let´s die together!
This is not working.
Try harder. I feel it coming.

 

by DrMorton
4-23-08
Did you bring the stuff?
Yeah. Where´s my money? And what do you need it for anyway?
I have travelled here from the future to save mankind. This should be reward enough, my young friend.
Erm ... uh ... okay.
Your future children and all of their future children are proud of you. Ok, I´m off now.
Wait ... are you not going to tell me how a box of my father´s old porn mags will save mankind?

 

by DrMorton
4-23-08
Uhm ...well ... your son´s gonna defeat alien invaders in the future? And he would never have been born, had you kept jerking off to those magazines?
I see. But what about my own mags? I can still jerk off to them?
No, my young friend. I´m afraid you have to hand those over to me, too.
Fuck! I mean, okay, I´ll go get´em.
I can´t believe he´s falling for this! Spock´s going to pay me gazillions for these vintage rarities, the old pervert ...

 

by DrMorton
5-04-08
Okay ... if I´m right, Debbie´s desk should be right above this spot.
Hold it right there!
Oh, no! What did I do wrong?
Have you forgotten all you´ve been taught? Always remember: It´s nails in the left, hammer in the right.
Thank you, officer.
No need to thank me. Just doing my job.

 

by DrMorton
5-04-08
... in what can only be described as this century´s biggest scientific breakthrough, Professor Crabbenstein has ...
... proven today that them rotor turbines actually ARE gonna generate gravitons by themselves ...
What?

 

by DrMorton
1-30-09
How´s it hangin´, Jesus? Hurr! Hurr!
Hey, your cue!
No, I´ve had it! Why do I never get to play "The Duck Who Mocked Jesus"?
As founder of "Bible Scenes That Should Have Been Enactment Club" I call the shots!
The original storyline is still mine. And you don´t look the part at all!

 

by DrMorton
8-05-09
Ouch!
Dammit!
He jumped on the road right in front of me. I had no chance to stop!
In fact, I´m still braking.

 

by DrMorton
8-06-09
Come on, what does the manual say? What does it say?
Hey, I´m on it. ... closet ... kitchen ... living room ... ah, here it is!
Main entrance: To open door to enter the house grab the knob and push!
But we´re inside! What does it say about opening the door from the inside?
It´s not in there. It´s not in there! Oh my god, we´re screwed!

 

by DrMorton
8-06-09
Hmmm.
Something feels terribly wrong here.
Maybe if I move the couch to the front and the deer back to the wall ... ? Or just switch it with the philodendron ...?

 

by DrMorton
8-26-09
Sorry you had such a rough first day on the job.
It was a bit much. Customers beating up the waiters, shitting on the tables and fucking behind the bar - is it like that every day?
No, no, I can assure you of that.
Glad to hear it, boss.
We´re closed on mondays.

 

by DrMorton
8-29-09
I´ve just crowned myself King of the World. Muahaha!
But you´re already Emperor of the South Pole!
I see - a conflict of interest. What if I make you the new Emperor of the South Pole?
A wise decision, Sir! Worthy of your throne.
Bend thy knee before thy king then!
No. My army of penguins will end your reign of terror!

 

by DrMorton
9-23-09
I´m really glad our union fought for that new Clown Payment Law.
Now we´re getting paid extra for each pie in the face.
So what was your pie-rate today?

 

by DrMorton
10-05-09
I´m going to kill you Ben.
Why?
Because I hate the number 99.
So that´s how daddy died, uncle carpet?
Yes , little shirt, and his owner too. But I guess you have to keep hanging on somehow.

 

by DrMorton
10-26-09
Trick or treat?
I don´t know.
Give me a hint!
You suck!
Treat it is.

 

by DrMorton
9-14-10
They say god´s plan for me is to end up as X-mas roast. As an atheist I don´t give a fuck if X-mas comes or not. Ha! Before I spit in your face, I dare you to send me a sign, non-existing god!
Ok ... let´s just pretend that didn´t happen.

 

by DrMorton
11-06-10
I really really wanted to participate in ZMannZilla´s RCD #42 competition.
Unfortunately my beloved parrot Paco died just yesterday so I don´t have a flying creature to present.
Ok, so I ate him. Big deal. He tasted better than victory in an RCD anyway.

 

by DrMorton
11-27-10
For my science project I present the biggest pile of dinosaur feces ever compiled. I ultimately intend to create the perfect conditions for it to petrify over the course of some millions of years.
What do you mean by "So your graduation will have to wait until after your project is finished"?
Some million years later ...
Ok kids, here we have Wisconsin´s highest elevation, a geological wonder of undetermined origin. Scientists assume that ...

 

by DrMorton
12-26-10
Now that I´m a new born Christian I have found new courage. I know that the Lord stands behind me at every step I take in life.
Now I´m able to confront everything. Even the guy that beats me up after work every day.
He may be 6´ 5´´ and a professional heavyweight fighter, but he´s no match for the Lord Almighty.

 

by DrMorton
12-26-10
As your wedding DJ I see it as my responsibility not to cater to the lowest common determinators preferred by mediocre minds but to prove that I am a man of impeccable taste and educated style.
So I prepared an exclusive three hour mash up mix of Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music" and Karl-Heinz Stockhausen's "Song of the Youths in the Fiery Furnace".
Start dancing, you morons!

 

by DrMorton
12-31-10
Yesterday some Jehovah´s witnesses asked me if I wanted to meet Jesus.
So?
I said, yeah sure, tell me where he´s hiding.
The cheatin´ bastard still owes me $ 50 from Friday´s poker night.

 

by DrMorton
1-02-11
Don´t look at him! Don´t look at him! If I pretend he´s not there, he might just leave and let me live.
Or maybe he´s just a sad lonely guy who needs a big hug. Heck, I´ll give it a try. Love conquers all!

Showing page 5.

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