All comics by EvilZak

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by EvilZak
2-12-04
Laura discovers a broken something.
AAAAAHHHH!!
What's wrong Laura!?
Uhm...mom...can you...change my bed sheets and ignore the red icky stuff that's on it?
Laura are you okay?
Hahaha! Goatse bedsheets ROCK!

 

by EvilZak
2-12-04
o/` Why do birds suddenly appear...o/`
o/` Every time you are near? o/`
o/` Just like me, they want to be, close to you. o/`
I always thought it was the worms crawling all over my body.

 

by EvilZak
2-12-04
Surprise! I'm not a Realdoll!
I was never told that shrinkage would occur
I'm not done. That was my overactive bladder you felt.

 

by EvilZak
2-14-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.
Your date is analnudecelebs.com
Damn, I wanted lesbiantwins.gov

 

by EvilZak
2-14-04
What's the meaning of life?
I can't tell you that.
Then how does Catdog poop?
The meaning of life it is!

 

by EvilZak
2-14-04
It's Captain Captain, leader of the Team Of Invincible Tightwearing Superheroes!
You can call it TOITS! But Insomniaman, as our newest member, we need you to take out the anti-cool-people army.
They destroyed a cool cereal factory. You must take them out!
Cool cereal factory?
They held nightly raves.

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
Why do you want a rookie superhero to take on a whole army?
Our veterans seem to be losing it. Allow this flashback sequence to explain.
I, American From America Man, will stop you, Terroristy McTerrorist, from heading to the General Mills rave/factory, unless you can explain why I should let you pass.
If you don't let me through, then the terrorists have won.
The Cheerios boxes are hard to open. Have this box cutter.

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
The plan is for you to meet up with the anti-cool-people army at the H&R Block at Elm and 47th.
Why would the army be at H&R Block? There's nobody cool for them to kill there.
Every week, cool people meet up and hold a secret orgy there.
...which I learned from Blobbert.
(psst... try blaming it on someone who doesn't reproduce asexually...)

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
H&R Block
Commander Lord Albert Stingson, instead of attacking those naked but innocent people over in the orgy room, why don't you fight me?
Well good chap, the mission of the ACPA is to eliminate cool people, I do declare.
That's why I won't harm you, sir.
Jerk.

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
Before you go, watch this move.
Make it quick, there are cool people who need to die.
Oooooh yeah!
It's called a pelvic thrust.
You, good sir, will be the first to die.

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
Chap, we shall play the game I have mastered, Monopoly. However, mine is a special board, sir. If you lose, you die.
Well that's good, because I own the H&R Block we're currently in.
Pardon me, but why in blazes would you buy this establishment?
Filing taxes is the next best thing to sleep, which if you didn't know, I can not get.
You can't sleep? SHIT! Can we play Boggle instead?

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
Since I am a gentleman, I shall be a sport and pay rent for H&R Block, just so long as I don't have to sleep in the orgy room.
OK, but first I need to make a phone call.
Is this Acme?
Sure is, what can I do for ya?
I'd like you to use a bigass crane to uproot Motel 6 and drop it on H&R Block.
Right away.

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
Commander McTerrorist, I just killed Commander Stingson via fatal Monopoly board, and if you don't give me a good reason to let you live, you will meet the same fate.
If you don't let me through, then the terrorists have won.
Some of the women in the orgy room have tight boxes. Have this box cutter.
Wait a minute...

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
JIHAD!
Jihads go splat?

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
That's it, American! I'm going to cast my strongest spell: JIHADAGA!
*reflect*
Remember kids, ALWAYS have reflect when the terror alert is orange or higher.

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
I have killed your commanders, Overlord Red Robot, now turn around or face certain death.
That term is offensive to me.
What do you mean?
Please call me "Overlord Native American Robot".

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
ONAR, you'd better surrender.
That will not happen. Instead, we will have a wrestling match.
Dude, wrestling's fake.
I don't mean WWE wrestling, I mean like in the Olympics or high school.
Except it'll be in a steel cage.

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
Wait a minute! First of all, it's not fair that your joints are made of titanium making them impossible to bend, but on top of that you wouldn't feel pain if I could bend them! How the heck can I win?
If this is an attempt to get us to resolve the conflict through a game of Monopoly, you can stop right now.
I'll let you start with Park Place and Boardwalk.
If we go back to the match, I'll give you a free body slam.
I'll give you a free body slam and Park Place and Boardwalk.
Deal.

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
I'm the top hat.
I'm the car. I love the car.
13 hours later
I'm not getting tired, I'm Insomniaman!
I'm not getting tired, I'm a robot!
Well there goes my strategy. Draw?
Okay, draw... wait, your strategy was to get a robot to sleep?

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
I might have let the bad guy get away, but at least I defended the citizens...
THIS JUST IN: Local H&R block has collapsed killing many naked but innocent people inside.
All my work to waste in one instant. How worse can this day get?
Reportedly the collapse was caused by a motel being put on top of it.

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
I took drugs...
...which I stole...
...from my mother.
Do you think she'll let me off?
After all, she is the queen.

 

by EvilZak
2-15-04
Roger and Ebert give your performance two thumbs down!
Yours tasted better than every member of the choir combined!
Sorry, grandma.

 

by EvilZak
2-20-04
That one couple always shows up at noon on Sundays to buy weed. Where the hell are they?
Just tell your dealer you didn't show up to buy drugs because you were getting stoned. He'll understand.

 

by EvilZak
3-06-04
Social security and Medicare will be put in a lockbox which is better than Social Security and Medicare not being put in a lockbox because it is more secure.
Don't vote for Gore! He has no personality!
We're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, we're going to California and Texas and New York, and we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and
Don't vote for Dean! He doesn't take politics seriously!

 

by EvilZak
3-11-04
People who should win the Nobel Prize:
21: Miss Cleo, for getting telephone calls from stupid people despite obviously not having psychic powers.
Wait a minute, what the fuck does getting business from stupid people have to do with the Nobel Prize?
PUNK ROCK!

 

by EvilZak
3-11-04
Do you like celebrities? Because this house was once owned by Micheal Jackson!
I put springs on the outside walls in case it falls over.
It has two bedrooms, and I'd prefer not to say the number of bathrooms.
You will never notice a leak, so long as you remain on the first floor.
The plumbing in this house is very secure. We know how important good plumbing is, we found out when a bathroom pipe exploded and the house was covered in poo.
We can't legally sell you this house until we refill the airbags attached to the ceiling.

 

by EvilZak
3-12-04
Oh, Shit!....The Wizard SAT exams are coming up and I'm positive I am going to fail!
It's not the SAT exams....It's the STD exams!
Oh....
...in that case I'll copy all the "answers" off of Hermoine.

 

by EvilZak
3-14-04
I hate myself. I think I'm going to commit suicide.
Well as your very best friend, I would do anything in the world if it would make you have a will to live.
Failing that, I would do anything in the world if it would make you have a will.

 

by EvilZak
3-20-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
Do you want a kick in the nuts? I'll give you one. Heck, have as many as you want.
And to think Zoltron said humans weren't generous...

 

by EvilZak
3-21-04
Ma'am, you were going 80 in a 65 zone. I'm going to have to write you a ticket.
You shouldn't be speeding, Speedy McSpeedyspeed!
Don't make fun of your mother's driving.
Shut up, Captain Basketball Pole!

 

by EvilZak
3-21-04
I have a question teacher, is it true that homosexuality is a disease?
Yes, it is a disease put on earth by Satan himself to try to rid the world of Christians.
Thanks, this info will come in handy.
The next day
Son, why aren't you at school?
I called in gay.

 

by EvilZak
3-23-04
Before Brad, the people of the nation of Comic were dispersed throughout in villages, and were not united at all.
Goats is better than Jerkoff City!
Well at least we're not named after a famous anus!
I will unite the Comese!
I have united the Comese!

 

by EvilZak
3-26-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
You'd better not let the RIAA find out about this trade.

 

by EvilZak
3-29-04
Insomniaman, you can take some time off. We've got no villians for you to deal with. Every evil person on Earth is being taken care of.
EVERY evil person?
Yes, every single one. As the foremost expert on all things evil, I can safely say that within three months all evil people will be dead.
Wow. That should really piss Satan off.
Who's that?

 

by EvilZak
3-30-04
Hey Stevie, I had sex with your mom last night and I have the pictures to prove it!
Big deal, like I care if you screw my mom once. That means nothing.
Well I'll be fucking her more often! She said I was the greatest lay she's ever had!
Even greater than me?

 

by EvilZak
3-30-04
With many people now going on the Atkins Diet, I thought I'd make a new food item that's low in carbs.
The low-carb pizza!
How do you make that?
Replace the crust with lettuce.

 

by EvilZak
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
Ten minutes later
Okay, my Charizard uses Fire Spin on your Bulbasaur.
YOU ARE THE MOST FOOLISH MORTAL I HAVE EVER SEEN! You don't have enough energy cards to use Fire Spin.

 

by EvilZak
4-07-04
I'm here to talk to you about Jesus.
I love Jesus!
You do?
He's my favorite Passion of the Christ character!

 

by EvilZak
4-10-04
Shall we go to McDonald's or Burger King tonight?
Hmmmm....
What would Jesus do?

 

by EvilZak
4-20-04
Sir, you have failed your drivers test.
That sucks.
Mom, I failed by drivers test. Now I'll never get my license.
Don't say that, you can get your license the same way everyone else in this family did!
Everything's $1

 

by EvilZak
4-20-04
Someone kick Jason, he's a wallhacker and a camper!

 

by EvilZak
4-22-04
In honor of the unlucky thirteenth comic in this series, Diana Welling's funeral will be held in a different background.
We also intend to add a variety of new characters, some crazy plot twists, and some major renovations all around.
First and foremost, I am now a flagrant homosexual.
I am not paying for this funeral.

 

by EvilZak
4-22-04
John Morgan was a good man. He will truly be missed by everyone who knew him.
Here are some words from John's mother.
I'm not paying for this funeral! My employer covers it! Boo yah!

 

by EvilZak
4-22-04
Down with negroes!
Down with negroes!
Hold the gosh dang phone! Didn't we read the most recent updates? There's too many complaints about things like this! I'm going to make this comic more kid friendly.
Down with negroes!
Down with negroes!

 

by EvilZak
4-23-04
To keep the church free of the devil, one must pray in church on a regular basis.
To keep the church free of the devil, one must remain loyal in their faith in God.
To keep the church free of the devil, one must use a can of Raid.

 

by EvilZak
4-24-04
I pick Akuma.
No way you lamer! Only cheapasses pick Akuma!
Especially given that we're playing Super Smash Brothers!

 

by EvilZak
4-24-04

 

by EvilZak
5-25-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
Global warming *OR* a meteor strike? How can the prophets not tell which? Can't they tell a bigass rock from a gradual increase in temperature?
Back to you, Mary.

 

by EvilZak
7-10-04
After retiring from the Marines, he got a job teaching Algebra at high school.
Jones, if x equals 7 and y equals 9, then what is 30 minus 3x?
Tune in every Tuesday at 3 to watch...
I don't know, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman Teaches Math
Y, you big fat asshole! Next time, calculate like you got a pair!

 

by EvilZak
7-23-04
Hey, are you gay?
Not entirely.
What do you mean?
Only in the butt and the penis.

Showing page 5.

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