All comics by cpausti

Profile

 

by cpausti
10-26-05
*panting* Sorry I'm late, Father.
It's okay, my son. Now. Drink the blood and eat the flesh of Christ.
Why, Father?! WHY!?

 

by cpausti
10-26-05
Mr. Conrad?
Yes?
You've been served.
Awww shit son!
He been served, yo! Dizzamn!

 

by cpausti
10-30-05
My teacher really surprised me on Friday. He wore a shirt that read, "Hugs not Drugs."
It wasn't the shirt that surprised me as much as what happened after class.
A girl gave him a hug and they were both tripping balls for at least an hour.

 

by cpausti
11-01-05
*chomp chomp sssssslurp*
Dude! You did it! 20 "Hot as Hell" wings in less than 10 minutes! We've got to go and get a beer for this one!
Uhh... I don't think so.
Why? What were you planning on doing tonight?

 

by cpausti
11-03-05
AAAAGH NOO!! GET IT AWAY GET IT AWAY!
HAHAH Relax, man! It was a joke!
Oh... oh yeah. I forgot.
I gave you those crabs.

 

by cpausti
11-03-05
He thinks he can boss me around?! I think NOT!
Wait 'til he sees what I put in his coffee!!
Tastes like crap as usual, Bev!

 

I'm tired of all the Bush bashing.
If you wanted me to be more gentle, you should have asked.
by cpausti, 11-03-05

 

by cpausti
11-17-05
We're here with Kenny G, who has just begun to break the record for "Longest Balance on Ball while Playing Clarinet."
Well, technically, this isn't a clarinet. It's what we in the business call a "long shaft."
So Kenny, this is a new record and you've already beaten it. You can step off the ball now.
Oh no, there's sweat dripping off my long shaft, woah! I almost slipped there! Heh!
Hey, you aren't even playing anymore, Kenny! Get that long shaft in your mouth and blow!
You got it! But I'd like to say that I'm very proud to have beaten this long shaft GHACKGHACK! Excuse me, record. But don't try this at home kids, balls get slippery when wet and you could get hurt!

 

by cpausti
11-20-05
Smells like teen spirit.
Sure does.
No, I mean, that's the song that girl just sang.
Oh.
Benjie just came in his pants. I thought we were on the same page there.

 

by cpausti
11-20-05
So, you're writing a book for that NaNoWriMo thing? What's it about?
There's no way for me to explain it without you thinking it's going to suck. You'll just have to read it for yourself.
Oh, come on.
Ehh, it's an existential teen drama comedy.
You were right.

 

by cpausti
11-27-05
Did you hear that Harlem is now a Suburban community?
Does that mean they moved it out of the city?
Nope.
They forced all the homeless to live in SUVs.

 

by cpausti
11-29-05
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? You're gonna pay for this. iPods aren't cheap!
Hey, hey. You know that if you drop something and it breaks you can drop it again and it'll be fixed!
NO WHAT ARE YOU DO-
*slam*
Apparently, your mother used the same reasoning when raising you.

 

by cpausti
12-05-05
The letter from the Doctor is here! I have AIDS?! BUT HOW!?
I'm sorry sir. Here's your gas and electric bill.
NOOOO!
Don't worry, sir. Lots of people live a full life with AIDS.
Not that, look at this gas bill!
Heh! You're fuckin' screwed!

 

by cpausti
12-08-05
Ho! Antony! The Americans hath fled there yonder, the hills are guards to their wary souls.
Ah, the we shall rush them! I want to rip their beating hearts out of their weakling chests and show the beating mass to their pitiful faces.
Aye me, my Lord. Sir, what be there flying over the battlefield towards us?
For it is undoubtedly the eagle of good fortune. Rally the legi-

 

by cpausti
12-10-05
GUESS WHAT, Mom? I just ASSASSINATED TED KENNEDY!
OH MY GOD, NO!!! NOOOOO!!!
C-SPAN HAS NO COMIC RELIEF!!!
Don't worry, Mom! Ted Stevens is still in the Senate!
NOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO!!!!

 

by cpausti
12-13-05
Honey, I'm ready!
Honey, what are you looking at?
I'm trying to see if there's a vagina anywhere on that penis.

 

by cpausti
12-24-05
Haha, check out that girl's shirt.
What? 10% Angel 90% Devil? I hate fat chicks like that.
Nono, the "Vote for Pedro" one.
Woah! They have elections in Mexico?

 

by cpausti
1-03-06
Hey, Butch... oooh, what's in the box?
I'll show you what's in the box if you show me what's in the bag.
Deal! You first!
Alcoholics Anonymous papers and pamphlets I picked up earlier today. I've been having some terrible problems lately and I really hope they can help me.
Uh... Tongue Astringent.

 

by cpausti
1-03-06
Hi, welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?
Yes, I'll have a Big Mac meal with a Sprite.
Yes?
I ordered a Big Mac, and I think someone replaced it with this little roast beef sandwich here.

 

by cpausti
1-08-06
I hate Becky! She starts the worst rumors!
Oh, don't worry. It could be worse.
You could be old, out of work with no spouse, with people making up anything about you that will get news coverage.
Abe Vigoda: Dead! And we mean it this time!

 

by cpausti
1-08-06
Hi kids! I'm here to tell you about sexual predators!
If a creepy, bald, 40-year-old man claims he's your friend and says he can help you, run home!
Wait, children, where are you going?

 

by cpausti
1-08-06
Billy, I want to talk to you about excelling beyond your classmates.
Recently I've noticed you stick out, academically, from the other kindergarteners.
Your Lincoln Logs recreation of the Eiffel Tower was brilliant.

 

by cpausti
1-08-06
Look Daddy, there's a bird!
No honey, that's a pigeon!
Aren't pigeons birds?
No, pigeons fall into a different family. The smelly, loud, hang around your house when you don't want them to family.
Is that where Grandma is, too?
Aw, you learn so fast!

 

by cpausti
1-10-06
Excuse me, Marty McFly? This letter is for you.
Whoah, it's from the Doc! It's dated 2006!
He sent me a letter from 19 years in the future! I hope he's not in trouble!
"lol w/b"

 

by cpausti
1-11-06
Tommy, I see you when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake.
I know when you've been bad and good. I know about everything you do.
Even that time I had a threesome with my English teacher and her daughter?
Hmm it seems to be slipping my mind... got videotape?

 

I could have sworn this woman's baby crapped itself today on the bus. But then I remembered that golden rule of thumb: The city bus will always smell like ripe babyshit.
by cpausti, 1-12-06

 

Blowing kisses is retarded. Girls need to think up a way to blow sex. Then, when they think they're geniuses, I'll come from behind and air rape them.
by cpausti, 1-12-06

 

Today I saw the headline, "U.S. expects more violence across Iraq." Yahoo! News has always been known for it's brilliant insight.
by cpausti, 1-12-06

 

Mothers need to stop talking to their babies in the third person. They don't care that Mommy is sick of driving and grocery shopping, they just want to suck Mommy's milky teat.
by cpausti, 1-17-06

 

Teenage jocks need to stop using the word "fag." Stop acting tough and go rub against your teammates in the showers.
by cpausti, 1-17-06

 

If your job is so important that when the phone rings during sex you have to pick it up in case it's your boss, you should let me fuck your wife. If not, then let me fuck your wife.
by cpausti, 1-19-06

 

McDonalds is advertising a newer healthier Happy Meal. Because when kids see three slices of apple and six grease dipped chicken-lard balls, the choice is a no brainer!
by cpausti, 1-19-06

 

Fresh off the Shelf: Fathers 4 Justice disbands after losing a rap battle with Boyz II Men.
by cpausti, 1-19-06

 

Bobby Brown filed for divorce after Whitney defiled her wedding ring. I guess she smoked the rock straight off her finger.
by cpausti, 1-19-06

 

"Final Destination 3" will show us the new lot of ways to die while going about a regular day. Though, the writers left one obvious way out; having to sit through Final Destination 3.
by cpausti, 1-24-06

 

by cpausti
1-24-06
How many licks does it take 'til you get to the centa of the
Uhh
Ohhh
I think we need to change our scene. Elderly homes aren't exactly fit for us.
Truly. Someone just threw an extra large diaper on stage.

 

by cpausti
1-28-06
Would a transvestite woman like a transvestite man?
I've always wanted a sex change! Let's try!
No.
I'm no doctor, but I can get a cock in your pants.

 

by cpausti
1-31-06
My God! These numbers.... these numbers.... The world will be destroyed in 30 Days!
It says "30" 200 times on that piece of paper.
Let's use this as an excuse to fuck the interns.

 

by cpausti
1-31-06
Doctor! I've done some more studies and it is true! The world reall- wait.. What were you doing in there?
Fucking an intern.
We don't have any interns.
Take the glove off of your penis and roll Mrs. Johnson back to the ER.

 

by cpausti
1-31-06
I'm sorry about that. What were you saying?
The world is going to explode in 30 days, and there is nothing we can do about it! We're all doomed!
No, you can't fuck my wife.

 

by cpausti
1-31-06
Doctor, come into the back room with me.
Well well well! I'm not gay but I can't say no to-
NO! You're too horny! I'm going to kill you before you do something crazy in the heat of the moment.
Stick the needle in my butt.

 

by cpausti
1-31-06
Did you just murder Doctor/Scientist Flinger?
Uh... Yes.
He was going to rape women in a fury of end-of-the-world-actions.
The world is going to end?!?
Yeah. Let's go double team my wife!

 

To all motivational speakers: I named my weed "life."
by cpausti, 1-31-06

 

by cpausti
2-09-06
Today, Mrs. Johnson's coochie was rubbing all up on me.
She needs to keep that fucker on a leash.

 

by cpausti
2-21-06
The Buddha has robbed me, yet he has given me something of greater value. He has robbed me of you, my friend, who believed in me and now believes
in him, you were my shadow and you are now Gotama's shadow. But he has given to me Siddhartha, myself.
LOL he gave me this slammin' Blackberry
OMG it sends emails too? you bitch!

 

by cpausti
2-22-06
I have an idea! We'll pick up some black chicks at church!
Yeah!
That didn't turn out the way it was supposed to.
I know. So what do we do now?

 

by cpausti
3-14-06
If it sounds like it's going to be gay porn, it probably will be.
Yes, all of the Asian girls on that website you are viewing are the same person.
But Cum Hirolman had a lazy eye, the rest didn't!
Was she on www.Vietnamesey.com?
Yes, how'd you- ooooh.

 

by cpausti
3-14-06
Welcome to the Surreal Life: Israel-Palestine! Let's take our first look through our hidden, in-house cameras.

 

How about you pull down your trousers and I'll show you my weapon of ass destruction.
You've always been generous when letting me pump oil.
by cpausti, 3-14-06

 

Randy Quaid sued the "Brokeback Mountain" producers for more money because he didn't know it'd be a hit. Or a poke.
by cpausti, 3-25-06

Showing page 5.

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