All comics by russman

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by russman
12-09-09
That was a crazy party. What am I gonna tell the landlord?
Dude, it was that way when I moved in.
Gavin was unaware that leases could be renewed or deposits could be refunded.
Better call pest control, it looks like we might have termites up here.

 

by russman
12-10-09
I'd like a Big Mac Value Meal, with a Coke.
Yes Sir. Coming right up.
Why don't you ever ask if we want it Super-sized anymore?
It was that documentary. It made the big wigs nervous.
Damn that Michael Moore. Those aren't even movies you know.
I think the big-wigs are giving way more credit than is due.

 

by russman
12-11-09
Oh Mailman. Thank you for your incredible delivery.
Thank you for your precious envelopes and packages. Sweet Mailman
we are not worthy of your continued blessings. Praise you Mailman. Amen.
Yes I think that would embarass the mailman. No I don't think that God is more vain than the mailman. It's just how we're taught at Priest school.

 

by russman
12-12-09
I just don't understand it.
What is it, Babe?
How could they give us a glimpse of how good it could be and then just take it away from us?
I know you're not still talking about the Krispy Kreme closing. Just go back to Dunkin' Donuts, you used to love them.
How can you go back once you've seen the "Hot Now" light.

 

by russman
12-13-09
I see a confused little boy, playing with Momma's make-up, that could use some personal attention from Uncle Mel.
Cousin Tim told me about your personal attention. I see a future registered sex offender.
Cool mask kid. I loved that movie.
The movie sucked. This is from the Graphic Novel, Mr. I Think I'm Still Cool But I'm Not, Man.
I see a cute little Kitty.
That's right Lady. Why don't you stroke me until I purr.

 

by russman
12-15-09
A good and wise friend once told me, you should live every day like it was your last.
I followed his advice for seven years. I'm now broke and have criminal charges over my head.
Now my friend says he meant spiritualy not physically...I wish he would have made that clear. It's better to ignore good advice than follow bad.

 

by russman
12-15-09
I come here for spiritual awakening. Why are you here.
To look for chicks.
You are a desecration to this holy place.
Maybe I am. Have you seen any chicks?
Just take me, I've never felt so alive.
If this is Bugs in that girl costume again, somebody is getting desecrated all over this place.

 

by russman
12-16-09
So you here for the spokesperson job too.
Yeah, but how can I compete with a smoking clown.
I'm sure you've got a few tricks up your sleeve.
Well I can do this.
Man, that's cool. I would have saved it for the audition though.
Crap.

 

by russman
12-17-09
Hey Caspar, what's up?
I'll show you Caspar, foolish Mortal.
Why do you do that? No one is scared of you.
One day all shall fear me.
Anyway I'm heading to McDoanld's for lunch, want me to bring you anything?
I heard the McRib is back. Grab me one and a Diet Coke. And make sure it's diet this time or you shall pay dearly.

 

by russman
12-18-09
It's lonely at he top.
I wonder what the little people are doing right now.
Were you talking to me Mr. Jim.
Not you Dear. I know what you're doing. And you better get back at it.

 

by russman
12-19-09
I guess I showed them.
Trying to keep this banana from me by throwing it in here.
Crap. Once again the superior intelect of the monkey was defeated by the humans unique abilty to misdirect.

 

by russman
12-20-09
Hey Kid. How about a towel.
Do I look like a restroom attendent.
Not really. But why else would you be in here?
I'm waiting on the bus.
This is a restroom, you know.
Whatever gives you an excuse to whip your dick out...Isn't that right Perv?

 

by russman
12-21-09
My arm hurts from holding this sign.
So put it down.
My conscious won't let me.
So pick your poison.
How about some pain pills.
Ha, ha you hippies haven't changed at all...I'll write you a scrip.

 

by russman
12-21-09
Did you here. Brittany Murphy died.
I'm not surprised. After that shaving her head thing and showing off her hoochie.
You're thinking of Britney Spears. It was Brittany Murphy who died.
Who the heck is she?
She was in that movie Clueless and some others we never saw.
That's a shame. Did she show her hoochie in any of those movies?

 

by russman
12-23-09
Glad you could make it. Can I get you a drink?
Glad to be here. Where is your wife?
Ted thinks dinner should be good this year.
She's in the kitchen. What do you need her for?
She promised to help me with my casserole.
But he thought that last tear too and ended up with leftover pizza.
Go on in. She's in there helping Jackson with his chili. She can probably handle you both.
I'm sure she can. Just send Martin in when he gets here. He needs help with his souffle.

 

by russman
12-24-09
I just met this new girl and she gives me a Christmas present out of nowhere.
So I played it cool and said you can't have yours until tomorrow.
It's pretty hard to find a gift at Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve that looks like something you didn't find at Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve.

 

by russman
12-25-09
It's days like this when I wish I had someone to care about.
Living alone and having a string of meaningless flings won't make your Christmas merry.
Thankfully, Christmas is only one day a year.

 

by russman
12-26-09
In the News Today.
This either almost or at least might have happened.
In other news, it didn't.

 

by russman
12-27-09
Look who showed up and only two hours late.
I had to work late.
The girls left already.
You had girls for us?
They weren't for us but they were here when I got here and left right after.
I see you've still got a way with the ladies.

 

by russman
12-28-09
Have you seen my pants.
Maybe, do you have any more of that turkey.
You can't blackmail me, I've got other pants.
Suit yourself.
Oh, hello Officer. I can explain..
No pants, open container, smells of turkey. Looks like we got a match.

 

by russman
12-29-09
Finding the bunny at the crime scene,
was not surprising but was not a welcome sight. No one was looking forward to another lecture about the evils of doughnuts and ducks.
But he was still the Captain. And when he wears his dress pinks you better listen.

 

by russman
12-30-09
And this is the room where the magic happens.
I thought that's what you said in the bedroom.
Different kind of magic.
What's different about it?
This is where we pray to God and he magically answers. The bedroom is where we make our own magic.
I hope God's magic is better than yours.

 

by russman
12-31-09
I'dliketotakeyoudown andrubonyouspecial
C'mon Artie, it's been almost forty years lets just have a nice visit.
Youlookjustthesame. Letsgotomyroomandlickeach
I never thought this was that funny when we used to do it. Now it's just sad.
Touchmylongwetnoodle andlickbehindmy
All right come here and I'll hit you with my purse for old times sake.

 

by russman
1-01-10
I think I better go.
Last night you said you loved me.
Well, last night was New Years Eve. You know how it is.
No I don't. I meant that I loved you.
Well duh. Just look at us.
At least I have the video.

 

by russman
1-02-10
I've finally gotten myself in prison. Some guys say it's better than jail.
Today's your lucky day. It's time for your conjugal visit.
All right, this might not be so bad after all.
Hello
Crap

 

by russman
1-03-10
Dad. Why did Mom leave?
I guess she didn't love you anymore.
Me? It was you she was fighting with all the time.
That's true. But if she loved you more she wouldn't have left.
Maybe she just hated you more than she loved me.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.

 

by russman
1-04-10
This one is called window to the world.
It's just a window with a view across the street.
From here yes, but you should see it from my bedroom.
Are you trying to pick me up or sell it to me.
Both. But mostly sell it to you. Times are tough. But I could knock off ten percent for a quickie.

 

by russman
1-05-10
I've heard that insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
I did the same things over and over and expected the results to stay the same.
I guess that means I can't use insanity as a defense.

 

by russman
1-06-10
I've had this dream a million times.
What are you talking about?
Except you were always a sexy blonde and the zombies seemed easier to deal with.
This isn't exactly my fantasy either.
I'm sorry. Lets figure a way out of this.
That's closer, now call me Mr. Bunny Butt and take off that tie.

 

by russman
1-07-10
Mr. President. What are you going to do about this situation.
We are doing everything we can to make sure that these situations don't happen.
When are you going to come to the realization that profiling is the only answer.
As reluctant as I am to justify discrimination, I have to agree it is time to profile.
It's about time, how will this work exactly?
We are asking all Americans to report anyone that might be "disgruntled" so that we can preemptively apprehend and detain them indefinetly without charges.

 

by russman
1-08-10
Come to the temple of the heavenly monkey.
Where your spirit and body will be cleansed of all impurities.
Caution: Monkey grooming may hurt. Warning:Spritual cleansing may involve monkey feces which may contain peanuts or other alergens.

 

by russman
1-09-10
Now that you've spent the day with me, what do you think of your old man's line of work?
It's not what I expected.
You thought I was cooped up in a little office all day.
Yep. I had no idea what you really do.
I guess so, though I wasn't entirely comfortable with the "My kid will suck cock for food" sign.
I told you most of them just give you money, they don't even read the sign. And let me apologize once again for that one guy.

 

by russman
1-10-10
I feel sorry for that guy that took his kids camping at midnight and then when he got home his wife was missing and now they are blaming him.
Ok, so it was freezing and he forgot it was Sunday night and he was supposed to go to work the next morning. But he said they made S'mores.
My Dad used to leave me in the pick-up at the bar until 2am with a pack of candy cigarettes. And Mom was hardly ever there when we got home either.

 

by russman
1-11-10
You've been carrying that dead fish around since your birthday.
My Mom gave it to me. It used to flip and flop.
Remember when I used to have that hamster.
You mean that furry little thing that tasted like chicken.
I think maybe you should do that to your fish.
You're sick. Scurriers are for eating, flip and flops are for holding.

 

by russman
1-12-10
Your moral compass is all screwed up.
Good Morning to you too.
We need to have a serious conversation.
Why? We both know how it's going to end.
How did you even get me to go home with you last night?
Our moral compasses were more in tune when yours was infiltrated with alcohol.

 

by russman
1-13-10
I come out here every morning to get the paper.
Today, my wife stopped it. She says we can read it on the internet for free.
I'm unconfortable reading "Blondie" on the same screen I look at "Chicks With Dicks" on.

 

by russman
1-14-10
Did you hear, Teddy Pendergrass died?
Wow, I thought he died back in the 80's.
No, he was just messed up in a car wreck back then.
Oh. Do you remember that girl I used to go out with? Her name was Prendergast.
She was the married one, right?
Yeah. Hey you don't suppose they were related?

 

by russman
1-15-10
Is the line always this long.
I've been coming for over a year and it keeps getting worse.
I always thought my job was bullet proof.
I knew you'd get yours some day.
C'mon. We knew they were going to get you. The Easter Bunny is just too much of religious thing.
They came for the bunny and I didn't care, I wasn't a bunny.....

 

by russman
1-16-10
Yes my son.
Where did you come from?
You cried out and I was here.
I cry out all the time. You never showed up before.
Yes I do. But I've learned that men don't appreciate my presence when they are spilling their own seed.
Oh.

 

by russman
1-17-10
I got a call from the police this morning at 4:30. Asking me if I would come pick up one of my friends.
When I got there my friend said he was at the club dancing with a chick at 1:30. The next thing he knows he wakes up at some dudes house who is trying to kiss him at 3:30.
He says his drink must have been spiked and then asked me not to tell anyone.

 

by russman
1-18-10
Back off Ho. This is my corner.
Sorry, I'm just seeing what's going on.
Nothing to see here. You're scaring away the customers.
Something terrible happened, I don't think there will be any customers.
When bad things happen. Some people feel guilty and need to be punished.
Wow, I thought that's what texting money to charity was for.

 

by russman
1-19-10
One Day at Fox news
What do you think of our new Saturday night line-up. Huckabee, Palin and Romney. We call it, "what should have been".
I don't know. Something doesn't seem right about it.
You mean the whole "fair and balanced thing".
Gosh no. I mean Romney. He's Mormon, you know? Most of our audience doesn't approve of that.
Ok. We plug David Duke in for Romney and we call it "what America needs".
I like it. Lets get Murdoch on the phone.

 

by russman
1-20-10
I decided to set up a Facebook account and was immediately "Friended" by a bunch of peopel I used to barely know.
It's amazing the amount of fascinating info people share on Facebook.
Apparently one girl was given the gift of a chicken coop. And this guy I used to think was a nerd as just been promoted to a new position in the mafia.

 

by russman
1-21-10
Butch did not enjoy heaven. He missed the mayhem and murder and kitties.
But the worst thing thing was that everybody wanted to talk to him.
Butch, is that you Butch?
If he could do it over again, instead of repenting, he would have strangled that priest who came to see him on death row.
I remember you. It was 78, right?
Right, you raped and killed my daughter. I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you.

 

by russman
1-22-10
I don't understand. How could this happen to me?
It must be a generational curse.
There's no such thing has a generational curse, unless your mom was a dancer.
No, my Momma don't dance.
And I suppose your Daddy didn't rock and roll either.

 

by russman
1-23-10
C'mon Dad. Don't you want to hold the baby.
Nah. I was never too good with kids.
Yeah I remember.
What is that supposed to mean.
I was there. I was the kid you weren't that good with.
That was you. With those dirty diapers and pansy hands. I'm surprised you can even hold the little guy.

 

by russman
1-24-10
And the Lord said go forth and multiply.
And the Lord sighed and said nothing else.
I knew something like this would happen, I hate going fourth.

 

by russman
1-25-10
It's hard out here on my own.
Why did you leave me?
Why didn't you say the "safe" word.

 

by russman
1-26-10
Reason number 11 Melvin doesn't enjoy Christmas.
Gift Certificates to stores that don't interest him.
Plus they lose over half their value in barter.
C'mon it's for fifty bucks at T.J. Maxx
Ok. One lap dance but the top stays on.

 

by russman
1-27-10
And in the 4th panel I woke up alone in bed. You believe me don't you?
I had the craziest dream last night.
Let's go back to bed for awhile.

Showing page 5.

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