All comics by smamurai

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by smamurai
12-04-05
It's bad news isn't it Doc?
To put things into perspective. You had as much chance of catching AIDS from that toilet-seat as you do of winning the lottery.
You think I was worrying over nothing?
No, I think you should buy a lottery ticket because YOU'RE ON FIRE!

 

by smamurai
12-04-05
This burger you made me is funny.
Funny like a clown?
No, funny tasting.
Funny like spunk?
Have you made me a funny burger?
Funny like a clowns spunk burger?

 

by smamurai
12-20-05
Let's hit the slopes!
Frikken ay nigger
They hate our kind
I'm Eskimo, bitch

 

by smamurai
12-20-05
Your son passed a dirty note to a girl in class today.
Did it contain the 'C' word?
It simply said, 'You make me feel funny in my tummy'.
What's so dirty about a message from the heart?
I am afraid this message came from the ass. It was written with a piece of feces.
I think I may be to blame. I left a piece of feces on the breakfast bar this morning. He must have stolen it.

 

I can't be arsed making supper.
Light the stove and bend over. I'm gonna test that little theory of yours.
by smamurai, 12-30-05

 

by smamurai
12-30-05
Let me go in Sarge.
No constable, I need you to cover my back this time.
Just the back mind, not the hair.

 

My imaginary GF just dumped me. She got scared by the intensity of our love.
We got back together two minutes ago. The make-up sex was incredible
by smamurai, 5-19-06

 

A new term begins at Dung F Beetle
Good morning everybody. EAT SHIT AND DIE! You have all graduated
Captain my captain
by smamurai, 6-08-06

 

Good evening everybody. EAT SHIT AND DIE! Goodnight
Honey, I think we're going to be all right
by smamurai, 6-08-06

 

Forgive me father I have sinned, for you see I......
EAT SHIT AND DIE! My son
by smamurai, 6-08-06

 

I think at the end his passing came as a shock to us all. One minute he was eating shit, the next minute he was gone.
That's how I would like to go.
by smamurai, 6-08-06

 

I'm failing Anal
You need to take it up another notch.
by smamurai, 6-08-06

 

Are those crocodile tears?
No, I was raped by an alligator
by smamurai, 6-08-06

 

by smamurai
6-08-06
My girl left me, but it was worth it for the make-up sex alone.
She came crawling back huh?
No, I had make-up sex alone. She forgot to take her lip-stick.
Well at least you're smiling on the inside.

 

You best run for the fucking hills.
You really think I could be Mayor of Brokeback Mountain?
by smamurai, 6-08-06

 

I heard you were in a paedophile ring.
It's true. I was six at the time and he told me there was candy up there.
by smamurai, 6-15-06

 

by smamurai
2-26-07
Hows the diet son?
Granny, I hardly think about food at all nowadays
You sent me a stamped addressed envelope asking for any leftovers
Well?
I put a sausage down the garbage chute last night
Bitch you better suit up.

 

by smamurai
2-26-07
It's a bald kid in a wheelchair begging for cash
He says he needs the money to buy drugs
MOW MY LAWN, BITCH!

 

by smamurai
2-26-07
I am collecting money for Cancer
First it kills my Dad and now it wants my money?
We only want a little bit of your money.
Will it bring back a little bit of my father?
His biopsy isn't for sale.
Tell me one thing, does it look peaceful?

 

I know what side my bread is buttered on.
It's buttered on both sides, you fat bastard!
by smamurai, 3-07-07

 

by smamurai
11-01-07
MARY, WAKE UP? There's something I need to get off my chest.
Huh..what is it honey?
No, its spunk Mary. Get a towel and my cigarettes will you.

 

Squeeze your boner till it goes numb. It feels like you're holding another mans penis
by smamurai, 1-17-08

 

Does this photograph make me look old and ugly?
Not if you cover your face with it.
by smamurai, 4-04-11

 

by smamurai
4-06-11
Hey new window frame? Where ya from? What are ya, oak?
Yeah oak. Templeton Woods originally.
Templeton Woods? Hey you might know Jim. HEY JIM! Get yer butt up here, your cousins just moved in.
I can't you prick. I'm a fucking door.
Jim turn around, the stairs are just behind you.

 

by smamurai
4-07-11
JIM! They left the car key on the table again
Dude, not the Ferrari?
Yes. I'm fed up talking about this let's do it for real this time
I get car-sick
I can't you prick. I'm a fucking door
I call shotgun

 

by smamurai
4-07-11
HEY JIM! What waist size are you?
I'm thinking about getting you some skinny jeans for your birthday
Oooh nice
FUCKING RUN. HERE COMES JIM AND HE'S GOT A GUN

 

by smamurai
4-10-11
Jesus Christ! What were you doing last night?
Battling scourges and wankpots
Delicious
I just hate scourges and wankpots
I fucked up. I just checked the definitions for scourges and wankpots on dictionary.com. It didn't mention orphans or wheelchairs anywhere.
I'll be honest with you. I thought they were the names of candy bars. Ha Ha, we suck.

 

by smamurai
8-02-11
I need help Dad. I had sex with a melon last night
Son it's normal to experiment. You don't need help. Just don't tell your mother
But I can't get it out of my arse

 

SUBWAY> eat fresh
and I'll finish with a little bit of lettuce
You have to ask the next guy sir. I haven't been trained on lettuce
by smamurai, 9-10-15

 

by smamurai
9-23-15
San Francisco Improv
so whenever I see a policeman I just grab the dirt faster than a bogus Syrian chauffeur grabbing the presidents daughters
What, too soon?
Yes Sayid, this does not happen until NEXT week!

 

I dropped out of uni to collect barstools
Now I have nothing to fall back on
by smamurai, 12-15-16

 

by smamurai
3-30-17
It's harder nowadays, dating apps, internet, hard to make a real connection with someone
Doc please, just. can you get the vacuum cleaner off my cock or not?

 

by smamurai
9-20-17
Is it wrong to really want to suck your teacher off?
As long as you realise it can't ever happen. Why?
Cos I'm pretty sure half the class are after my big fat 'D'

 

Egrets? I’ve had a few
by smamurai, 10-14-17

 

by smamurai
10-19-17
Responsible parents keep an eye on their kid when they are in the bath
Even if they are 42 and live in another city
Mary can you bring me in a towel please

 

I will always remember that one frigid dude at monk school as the brother I never had.
by smamurai, 2-24-18

 

Pyongchang 2018
We can’t wait to hit the slopes can we Martin?
Those little fuckers
by smamurai, 2-24-18

 

Help. Quick. Is there a doctor? A man has been stabbed in the lobby
I’m a doctor and don’t worry, we actually have two lobbies. Everyone in this hotel could live a perfectly normal life with just one lobby
by smamurai, 3-01-18

 

I was about to make a comic but fuck it, I’ll just tweet it
by smamurai, 3-23-18

 

I can’t help it. I have a gland problem
I’m sorry man I didn’t realise. Who even sells deep-fried glands anyway?
by smamurai, 4-09-18

 

by smamurai
4-10-18
Excuse me, can I ask you about your T-shirt?
Of course. What would you like to know?
I don’t know but your T-shirt says ‘Ask Me About My T-shirt’
Well, go ahead
Ok, can you tell me about your T-shirt?
Yes I can. This T-shirt says ‘Ask Me About My T-shirt’ on it

 

by smamurai
7-22-18
Heard about your mum getting cancer
Oh my God! A wishing well
Please please please wishing well, make my moms better
Next day
Did it work?
Yes. Her tits have gotten slightly bigger

 

Pulling out while doing it doggy-style is making a comeback
by smamurai, 11-07-18

 

We had always dreamt that one day I’d have a pretty decent dadbod but in the end our only option was to adopt
by smamurai, 11-07-18

 

and I shouted at the waiter “DO NOT BE LONG”, and that, my friend, is the story of how churros came to be invented
Absolute, utter cock pony
by smamurai, 12-19-18

 

by smamurai
12-19-18
Can I have a doggy bag?
Oh you won’t regret

 

Why are there marshmallows everywhere?
I’m going through a strange period
by smamurai, 2-10-19

 

by smamurai
2-16-19
Down right up left
Ybxaaaaah
Finally managed to unlock the sideways setting on this vibrator

 

by smamurai
5-15-19
So you only ever spoon with your sex robot?
Yep, I get into bed and he gets right in behind me
That’s kinda cute
Well I say ‘spoon’ but it feels more like a frikkin ladle bludgeoning my colon
Bedtime
It’s 9am sir

 

The new download for my vape let’s me use it to light real cigarettes
by smamurai, 11-11-19

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