All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
10-12-11
I assure you, young man, God indeed exists.
And I am telling you with just as much certainty, there is no god!
We interrupt this comic for a special announcement. A new album by me, William Shatner, is now out, featuring me covering such hits as Bohemian Rhapsody.
I stand corrected.

 

Goodbye, world.
by kaufman, 10-13-11

 

On this day in 1977, the first supersonic clock was invented by a goat.
by kaufman, 10-22-11

 

by kaufman
10-22-11
o/` Mrs. Brown, you've got a lovely daughter ....
I'm Henry the Eighth I am. Henry the Eighth I am, I am ...
Don't know much about geography, Don't know much trigonometry ...
There's a kind of hush all over the world tonight ...
Herman, Mrs. Wilson just called. She says your hermit crabs have gotten loose again.

 
by kaufman, 10-30-11

 

Yes, I am sure it wasn't the elves who gave me Lyme Disease.
by kaufman, 10-30-11

 

by kaufman
10-31-11
Here in Texas, we have some unique Christmas traditions.
For example, in 49 states, people hang the mistletoe and kiss under it.
We don't hang the mistletoe in Texas. We give it a lethal injection.

 

by kaufman
11-04-11
Hah. Took long enough, but he's dead at last.
Now to cremate the body...
And back to the Kremlin to report success.
I'm not dead yet!

 

by kaufman
11-04-11
Good evening, sir, let me tell you about our specials tonight. Our seafood specials are crappie, fecaled herring, and dungerness crab.
For a heartier appetite we have a delicious turducken, or if you feel like something Asian, may I recommend the poo-poo platter?
If you want something Italian, we also have a great spaghetti fra diarrhea. So may I start you off perhaps with an appetizer of shittake mushrooms?
Um, no thanks. Could I please have something off the non-flies' menu? I'm E. coli intolerant.

 

I'm really annoyed by the gooey feel of maggots walking across my flesh.
by kaufman, 11-05-11

 

by kaufman
12-01-11
This one was taken on our trip to North Dakota.
And this is us last year in San Francisco
And this one was taken from Stevie Wonder's visual cortex when he was playing at Madison Square Garden.
o/` You are the sunshine of my life....

 

by kaufman
12-17-11
From: Schroeder@schulz.org
Dear Friend, Do you know what today is?
It's December 16th. That's Beethoven's birthday! You should go out and pay proper tribute to the greatest composer of all time.
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dummmb.

 

by kaufman
12-17-11
The weirdest thing happened this past weekend. My grandson was visiting, and he set all the clocks in the house ahead five hours.
That's not that odd. Little boys like to fiddle with things. Why, when I was little, I once ...
No, you don't understand. Once he did that, everyone in our house suddenly couldn't stand Christmas, and we all started shouting about sabotaging it.
Nobody returned to normal until we finally set the clocks back. Any idea what in the world could have happened?
Isn't it obvious? Once the clocks were set forward, you were all running on Grinch Mean Time!

 

by kaufman
12-24-11
The jig is up, Bailey. I'm taking over the Savings and Loan and having you arrested for bank fraud. What do you have to say for yourself now?
I've got only one thing to say, Mr. Potter ...
YIPPEE-KY-AAAAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Jesus Christ, is that a BB gun? You shot my eye out!
Yes! Yes! Yesyesyesyes!

 

by kaufman
12-29-11
I have discovered that black holes are in abundance through-out the universe, why only today I have come across no fewer than sixteen!
psssssssshhhhhht
Seventeen.

 

by kaufman
12-29-11
Time's up, lets go buddy.
Okay, Okay! Who ... uh, who is ... Kim Kardashian?
No, you dumb shit, that was incorrect. The correct question was, "Who is Genghis Khan?"
Christ, I can't wait till Trebek gets back from vacation.

 

by kaufman
12-30-11
You marveled at the Royal Wedding in 2011, but you wanted more in 2012. So watch for the larger than life version of Prince William's Nuptials . Yes, we're going to the Big Screen next year!
Hey, a 20-foot Kate is great, but that still seems a little flat. What can you do for us? We want more!
Not to fear, we've got another surprise that'll be the cure for that. You'll need to put on those goofy glasses to see Prince William's Nuptials, because we are bringing you...
PWN3D!!

 

by kaufman
2-08-12
I don't buy anything over the internet. Too many security risks.
Not me. I buy all sorts of things online. Why, today I even ordered a huge package of toilet paper.
Ok ... Did that site you ordered from at least have SSL?
SSL?
You know, Secure Sockets Layer?
I don't think so. I'm pretty sure all they had was regular two-ply.

 

by kaufman
2-15-12
CUT!
You idiot! We've only filmed three minutes of the movie and you've already killed the head vampire!
You heard her. She wouldn't fuck me. What was I supposed to do?
I don't care! What I care about is we now have 117 more minutes of this vampire movie to film, and we have NO FREAKING VAMPIRES!
Look, I'm sorry. I suffer from premature e-draculation. There, I've said it! Now leave me be.

 

by kaufman
3-17-12
If I am elected, I will bring America back to the gold standard.
College is for snobs. We need more ignorant rubes.
Nothing wrong with dumping your ailing wife and marrying your mistress. It's so nice I did it twice!
I'm just like you guys. I like grits and my wife drives two Cadillacs.
We are SOOOOOO fucked.

 

by kaufman
3-21-12
Hey, wanna go back to my place?
That's a pretty bold line. Care to tell me what you've got that will make it worth my while?
I happen to know that this is a FOUR-panel comic, which means that I can last 33% longer.
Sounds fun. You're on!

 

by kaufman
3-21-12
Oh no, I should have asked you before I came home with you ... You're not circumcized, are you?
Uh, I am. What's the problem? Reduced sensation for you?
Oh no, nothing like that. It just means you'll have no ...
FOUR-skin!

 

by kaufman
3-21-12

 

by kaufman
3-21-12
*urp*

 
by kaufman, 4-12-12

 

Would a peanut butter and K-Y Jelly sandwich stick to the roof of my mouth or slide right off it?
by kaufman, 9-07-12

 

by kaufman
10-06-12
Hey, wanna go out for a few drinks after work?
Yeah, sure. Where would you like to go?
How about we just go over to J.B's?
J.B's? I thought you hated that place. Whenever we're sitting at the bar there, you're always bitching about how hard and uncomfortable the seats are.
Yes, but this time I'm prepared. I just ate a whole box of stool softener.

 

by kaufman
12-07-12
Hello.
Hello, is this Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits?
Yes it is. How may I help you?
You know that song you guys did, "I'm Henry VIII I am" about a woman who serially marries men named Henry?
Of course. One of my favourites.
Well, I was just thinking that with the growing acceptance of gay marriage, isn't it time for a follow-up, "I'm Elizabeth I, I am?"

 

by kaufman
1-07-13
Look over there. There's a zombie with no eyes.
I'm not surprised. The way their faces decompose, it's pretty easy for various parts to fall out.
Yeah, but look at him. He's reading a book!
Hmmmmmm....
Must be written in Brainne.

 

by kaufman
2-06-13
What's that you're reading?
It's a book with pictures of various divas being crushed by large animals. See, here's Celine Dion under an elephant and this is Cher being smothered by a hippopotomus.
Is that Madonna under that ostrich?
Yeah, and it looks like she's enjoying it.
This is great! I've got to get this book. What's it called?
On Beyonce Zebra

 

by kaufman
2-07-13
Our top story today: DNA testing has confirmed that the human remains found under a parking lot in Leicester, England are those of King Richard III.
On the scene is Channel 3's Mike Downey, who has an exclusive interview with the late king. Mike?
Your Majesty, I understand you are going to be reinterred right here in Leicester, rather than in London or your beloved York. Can you tell us why?
A hearse, a hearse, my kingdom for a hearse!

 

by kaufman
2-08-13
A hearse, a hearse, my kingdom for a hearse!
Oh, come now. Old wounds are healed. The Royal Family would provide transport of your remains just about anywhere. Why won't you go to Windsor Castle?
Are you kidding? Lying there forever while the guy in the next crypt over goes on singing I'm Henry VIII I Am over and over and over again? Fucketh that.
And he snores too. I'd rather spend eternity lying underneath It's A Small World at Disneyland!
*gulp*

 

by kaufman
2-08-13
We're here talking to the remains of England's King Richard III. Your Majesty, people have been wondering. Can you finally tell us what happened to your nephews?
Of course I can. They're dead!
Aha, so you admit to taking them away to the Tower and having them executed?
Why, no. Nothing of the sort.
I don't understand what you mean. Didn't you admit to your involvement?
Look, Sherlock, I have no idea what happened to them, but after 500 years, I'm pretty sure they're toast.

 

by kaufman
2-08-13
Before we conclude our interview with Richard III, our American audience would like to know: Tell us how proud you are of RG3.
Of R G what?
You know, the football player. Robert Griffin III. Your descendant.
Huh? He's not related to me. Why would you think that? Do we look similar or something?
Well, you do have the same last name ...
Ay ay ay!

 

by kaufman
2-22-13
o/` The rain in Spain stays mainly on the...
BRAAAIIIINNS!

 

I told you before, NO WIRE BANDAGES!!!!
by kaufman, 2-22-13

 

by kaufman
2-22-13
The Category is "Most Popular", and the answer is: It is the most popular Star Wars movie in Transylvania.
What is The Vampire Strikes Back? Most Popular for $1600.
The most popular book among adolescent girls in Japan.
What is Are You There Godzilla, It's Me Margaret? Same category for $2000.
The answer is: During the 1990s, this was Andre Agassi's most watched movie.
What is Creature From The Blue Lagoon?

 

by kaufman
3-14-13
... so then a bunch more drunkards come up to me and say, "Hey, turn my water into wine too!"
So I finally had enough and turned it all into wine. The oceans, the rivers, the glaciers, everything. All the water on earth.
Of course all the fish and algae died. And best of all, the oceans were all salty and full of dead fish, so when they tried to drink it, it tasted like crap.

 

by kaufman
3-14-13
Mom, can you check if the mail came?
I checked ten minutes ago, and it hadn't come. What is it you're so impatient about anyway?
A piece of wood. I'm due for this month's board.
A piece of wood? Jesus, why does that interest you so?
Just look at this thing I'm nailed to, mom. It looks like a fucking T. Eleven more pieces and I can finish my swastika.

 

by kaufman
3-16-13
Hey Luke, do you know how to spell "ejaculating?"
E-J-A-K ... hmmmm... I'm not sure, John. What do you need it for?
Oh, I've got a deadline in 20 minutes to turn in my gospel, and I just need to fill in the part about the time he was ejaculating pretty thunderously.
Oh yeah. That was fuckin' hilarious. You NEED to put that in.
Well, I'll just write "Jesus w.e.p.t." Everyone'll know what I was talking about.

 

by kaufman
5-05-13
Hello, I'm selling tickets for the policeman's ball.
I'm sorry, I don't dance.
It's not a dance, sir. It's a raffle.

 

by kaufman
5-05-13
Hello, I'm collecting for the Salivation Army.
Don't you mean Salvation Army?
No, I don't think so.

 

by kaufman
5-05-13
Hello, I'm collecting for the March of Dimes.
Fair enough, I'll pledge you ten cents.
Asshole.
One month later ...
Hello, I'm collecting for the April of Hundred Dollar Bills.
Shit.

 

by kaufman
5-05-13
Hello, sir. We're collecting for Jesuses for Jews.
Hello, sir. We're collecting for Vietnambla.

 

by kaufman
6-02-13
Oh my god! You're baseball commissioner Bud Selig, aren't you?
Why, yes I am.
Listen. I would really like to take you home right now and feel you inside my pussy. Will you come with me?
Sure. Do you really think I'm that hot?
Are you kidding? Hell no! I just think you're the ultimate douche bag!

 

by kaufman
6-09-13
One more look and then I'll send it in.
Dear Abby, I'll be traveling to Europe next month, and I hear you need an adapter to use American devices over there.
Things you never see in the newspaper
My question for you is where can I find a European adapter for my butt plug?

 

by kaufman
6-15-13
I'm surprised we haven't seen more famous people here in Cancun.
Wait a minute, those two look familiar.
Having a drink over there? Oh yeah, I think she's Bonnie Parker. And he's ...
... Adolf Hitler! I wonder what they're doing here.
They must be on vacation.
Yeah.

 

by kaufman
6-20-13
Hey Ken, are you at all ticked off about losing the comic contest to that new guy?
Not at all. His entry truly epitomized the vacation from hell much better than anything us old timers did.
Yeah, that was some comic. Vacationing in one of the world's great cities, all the sites, Spanish Steps, Colosseum, the Vatican.
But the whole time he can hear that insipid Journey song playing, over and over and OVER again!
Summed up in the third panel where there's just a black background while the narration box goes on and on: "Don't stop believing ..."
Good job SopranoJames. Can't wait to see what you have in store for us in CC 538.

 

by kaufman
6-28-13
And now Suzie will give her book report on Around the World in 80 Days.
Phileas Fogg made a wager that he could circle the globe in just 80 days. He got off to a very good start.
He rode an elephant across India and a steamship across the ocean, but when he tried to fly, the hot air balloon he was in broke and crashed.
I guess you can say the balloon was his Achilles helium.

 

by kaufman
9-01-13
December, 1938: Hitler is called into God's office.
I don't see what the problem is. You Yourself told me that I could annex the German-speaking parts of Czechoslovakia.
That's not the problem. The problem is that Me-damned battle song your army was singing as they marched in.
But why? It's a catchy tune.
It's TOO catchy! Now I can't get the fucking thing out of my head. I don't want any singing whatsoever when you invade Poland.
All right, all right.
o/` Twenty twenty twenty four hours to go, I wanna be Sudatened, Nothing to do, nowhere to go, I wanna be Sudatened ...

Showing page 53.

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