All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
5-06-16
Most of the great authors were pretty infamous drunkards, but there were exceptions. O Henry's lips never touched a drop of alcohol.
He may have said that, but once I got him to have a drink solely by the power of suggestion.
Yeah, right.
No. really. We were having lunch in a place frequented by famous politicians, and I saw Hubert Horatio Humphrey and Herbert Hoover walk in.
So I said, "See H 3, see H 2, O. H." The rest is history.

 

by kaufman
5-18-16
You wouldn’t
believe
what just
happened
to
moi.

 

by kaufman
6-02-16
It is a true honor for me to accept this award. I remember all the hard work to develop a vaccine to fight the zika virus, and the joy in seeing its first success ...
Congratulations, Mrs. Acosta, it's a boy. And the vaccine worked. He has no signs of microcephaly whatsoever. In fact, quite the opposite.
Of course after that first attempt, we did manage to adjust the dosage.

 

by kaufman
6-07-16
Woem.
Woem.
Why are you talking backwards, Garfield?
Go hang a salami.

 

by kaufman
6-16-16
Now on to sports. Major League Baseball announced today that throughout baseball, August 7th will be Zika Virus Awareness Day.
All fans attending games that day will be treated with mosquito repellant upon entering the stadium.
And of course all of the mascots will have REALLY tiny heads.

 

by kaufman
6-18-16
Boys, I've got this new kid named Lou doing backing vocals for me tonight. You can have the night off. But don't worry, you'll be backing me up again at my next show ...

 

by kaufman
7-08-16
Ok, where is he?
I'm going to kill that robot. Can't he get anything right?
Tobor, what are you doing? You're not dressed, you're not on set, and the Statue of Liberty scene is in the next panel!
TOBOR CAN'T REMEMBER HIS LINES. WHAT IS IT AFTER "GIVE ME YOUR POOR, CUDDLED ASSES BURNING"?

 

by kaufman
7-08-16
How ya doin'?
All right. That's quite an outfit you've got on there. What are you supposed to be?
Can't you tell? I'm the Staten Island Fairy. How 'bout you? What are you?
I'm the George Washington Bridge, of course.
The George Washington Bridge? Then why the Jesus get-up?
Somebody crossed me. Ya gotta problem with dat?

 

by kaufman
9-08-16
Inspired by the successful 1990s series, Dr. Sam Beckett once again finds himself transported through time into other people's bodies.
Oh boy, I'm a fireman!
I've got control of this. I can put this fire ou ... hey, wait! My arm is falling off!
History corrected, he jumps to infect another body. See what happens on the next episode of QUANTUM LEPER.

 

by kaufman
10-01-16
1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ...
You have the right to remain silent for all eternity ...
After shooting Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr reads him his Lin-Manuel Miranda rights.

 

by kaufman
10-21-16
X, IX, VIII, VII, VI, V, IV, III, II, I, ...
Oh shit. We have no number for zero.
Guess we need to scrub the launch.

 

by kaufman
10-25-16
10,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,003
10,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,002
10,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,001
For crying out loud, Sergei, it doesn't really matter. Just name the company after the next number you say.

 

by kaufman
11-24-16
I have your prayer summary for the day. At #3, 200 million people want Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton to choke on each other's vomit. At #2, 1.4 billion want peace in the Middle East.
Hmmmm ... that one finally got knocked from the top spot. What in the world beat it?
Apparently, this is becoming a bigger crisis. 2.3 billion prayed for an end to global warming.
I think I can take care of that one for them. I'll just turn off the sun.

 

by kaufman
11-29-16
With earth heating up and everything, something had to be done.
And then I remembered that old movie where a guy plays chess with Death.
So I challenged a personification of Global Warming to a game, winner take all.
Little did he know, I was a Grandmaster. After 20 moves I was up a knight and a pawn. I had him on the ropes.
So what the heck happened?
He just grinned, and next thing I know, there were puddles of liquid plastic where all my pieces had been.

 

by kaufman
12-28-16
I saw you were busy this week, Grimmy.
You know it! The holiday season is always good for me, and this year's angst just adds to it.
But your taking both Carrie Fisher and her mother within a day of each other ... Don't you think that was going a bit too far?
Awww, come on, you know I can't resist a bargain. And this year's Christmas deals were simply spectacular!
Christmas deals?
Sure. Their family had a "die one, get one free" sale.

 

by kaufman
2-01-17
Good night.
Sleet tied.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.

 

by kaufman
2-03-17
So we're stuck here?
Sure looks it.
For all eternity?
For all eternity.
Who'd have thought those messages would actually come true?
Look, for the thousandth time, I'm sorry I said we should append "in bed" to our fortunes! I thought it would be funny.

 

by kaufman
2-05-17
Oh my god, I overslept. I've missed the Super Bowl!
Jesus, how'd that happen? Wait a minute ...
Just as I thought. Goddamned Brady lowered my Sleep Number 10 points.

 

AAAIIIIIIIIIEEEE!!!!
by kaufman, 2-07-17

 

by kaufman
3-29-17
2:00 PM: Takeoff ifrom Kathmandu
1:45 PM: Flying over Afghanistan
1:15 PM: Ready to land in Baghdad
Don't you love these Concordes?
Yeah, but not half as much as I dig weird time zones.

 

by kaufman
4-12-17
Hi, Liz.
Hey, Bobby Sue, how was your date last night?
Awful, boring. He was no excitement whatsoever. I need something more! Where are all the bad boys?
Let me guess. You'd be turned on by being driven home by some drunk tattooed guy in a beat-up pickup who's missing a few teeth.
Oh, god, yes! That would be so romantic. But where would I find a guy like that?
I have good news. There's a new app available for download. It's called gUber.

 

by kaufman
7-04-17
Lenin and McCommie
o/` It's been a hard day's night. And I've been working like a proletariat!
Oh yeah, I tell you something, I think you'll understand, When I say that something. I've got a five-year plan! o/`

 

by kaufman
7-27-17
Hey, what are you doing?
Are you listening to me? How long have you been lying there?
Well, tell you what? If you've been doing it for that long, I have a job for you.

 

by kaufman
8-12-17
And how was your meal, sir?
The pancakes were wonderful, the eggs delicious...
Excellent...
... but the cereal was awful! I've never tasted anything so bad. It was inedibly stale!
Of course it was, sir. We use only the most ancient of grains!

 

by kaufman
9-04-17
Tell me, what are you looking at?
Let's see. With this eye that tree over there, with this one that house, with this one, that blade of grass, with this one, that nice pile of shit, with this one the cow, ...
with this one, the third bird flying up there, with this one, the person reading this comic, with this one that discarded beer bottle, with this one that other blade...
Sheesh. Never mind, forget I asked!
... of grass ... Hey, where are you going? I have 9,991 more things to tell you about!

 

by kaufman
9-30-17
Hey Gabe, do you know what happened to Japan? I don't see it down there.
Really? Hmmmmm ... you're right. Let me try to get some information on what happened.
select * from past 7 days where country = 'Japan';
You won't believe this. Our buddy Jesus ate it yesterday.
Oh crap. I told the kid a hundred times that he is NOT the Son of Godzilla.

 

by kaufman
9-30-17
We are reporting live from the funeral of game show host Monty Hall. His long-time announcer, Jay Stewart, is approaching the casket ...
And now, per his will, one of the many mourners here has been selected to receive a bequest of $500.
Now, Mr. Hall's family is asking her if she wants to keep the money or trade it for what's in the box Jay Stewart is standing next to.
TAKE THE BOX! TAKE THE BOX!

 

by kaufman
10-18-17
I'm starting to worry about the boy.
Everything was fine until we got there, and then he tensed up and started saying, "I see dead people."
He wouldn't stop until we left. He was creating quite the scene.
Well, maybe taking little Clark to Smallville Cemetery wasn't the best idea.

 

by kaufman
10-23-17
And then he screamed out, "Yo'phuthogugl!"
Oh my god! Then what?
What do you think? I just fell to the floor!
Laughing that hard?
Exactly. So I said, "Mr. Stallone, I think we'd better change her name to Adrian."

 

by kaufman
10-26-17
RING, RING!
Hello?
No, Mr. Gingrich, I've told you before, I have no idea whatsoever where your eye might be.

 

by kaufman
11-01-17
Ok, this is the draft for our new fantasy Stripcreator league. You know the rules. You get 5 strippers, 2 paying, 3 unpaid; 2 characters, a background and 2 joke types. Abe, you have first pick.
I'll take anal sex jokes.
Oh fuck. He's already won the league.

 

by kaufman
12-15-17
Grandma, did Santa bring you Christmas presents when you were a little girl?
He usually did. Except in 1944. That year, the only people who got presents were about a thousand Jewish adults.
Wow, that's strange. What did you do?
There wasn't much I could do. I and all the other children had to work in a factory in Central Europe until they straightened it out.
Straightened out? Why? What happened?
Apparently, Santa's list and Schindler's list had accidentally gotten switched.

 

by kaufman
12-15-17
So 1944 was the only year Santa didn't bring you presents?
Well, there was also 1949, when he paid my parents and those of all the other children, and brought us to the North Pole instead.
Wow! You got to go to Santa's place? How lucky!
It wasn't luck. He had switched his gift list with his shopping list and bought all the kids.
So what happened to all the presents? Where did they go?
Oh, you know. Cereal boxes, Cracker Jacks. There's a reason the guy's so chubby.

 

by kaufman
12-15-17
Santa must love doctors. My wife is a pediatrician, and she gets the most thoughtful and amazing gifts.
I don't know. Santa never brings my wife anything.
Is she a doctor too?
Yeah, an anesthesiologist.
That's odd ...
I guess I just have an unlisted number.

 

by kaufman
12-29-17
Hi, I'm Brad, creator, owner and caretaker of Stripcreator. You may be wondering why our site is flooded with ads from essay-writing services.
Essay, essay, five cent.
The fact is, to keep the site running, I have entered into lucrative partnerships with sites such as EssaysVerboseItemsofLiterature&Dissertations.com
Hey pard, look at this essay I wrote about gravitons.
I've even given them an account here so they can make promotional comics.
We gave this 8-year old a winning essay on why not groping classmates was sufficient for inclusion on Santa's nice list.

 

by kaufman
1-15-18
Goodness! Are those ancient cave drawings? Can you figure out what they say?
Yes, it's coming to me. It seems to be an essay on primitive obscenity. Listen here ...
It says the seven words you can't write on cave walls are OOG, NURG, SKUNG, GRONK, POOGSNUG, SKUNGOREET, and UNGH.
That's incredible
Wait, there's more. It says, "What's ungh even doing in this list? Ungh is such a friendly word ..."

 

by kaufman
1-29-18
Who's the dead guy?
Ingvar Kamprad, founder of IKEA
Uh, why's he just lying on the floor?
Nobody can find an allen wrench to assemble his Snoorgenheimel casket.

 

Mr. Spock, you look perturbed. What happened?
I was trying to engage the Romulan Cloaca Device.
by kaufman, 2-07-18

 

by kaufman
2-11-18
The crime that has all of Middle Earth talking.
Stole my precioussssss
And still no arrests
All is revealed in THREE BILBOS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI.
How come, Chief Willoughby?

 

by kaufman
2-19-18
I love coming to your parties. I don't know where you get the food you serve, Donner, but it's always fantastic.

 

by kaufman
5-11-18
Oh my god, Jesus, they've crucified you! Who did this to you?
The Romans.
The Romans? But why?
I ... I turned their water into wine.
And they did this to you?
How was I to know the goyim couldn't stand the taste of Manischewitz?

 

by kaufman
5-13-18
Ok, we've done your ultrasound, and once I take a look at it, you and your husband will know if you're having a boy or a girl.
So what happens now?
He says in a moment the lighting in this room will change. Blue if it's a boy and pink if it's a girl. I'm so excited, I can't wait!
What the? What's going on? DOCTOR, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
STILLBORN!

 

by kaufman
5-18-18
Hello, I'm the Invisible Man, doing a public service announcement on the effects of Viagra.
Ok, let me pop a few of these pills and we'll see if anything happens.
I don't think it's working ... wait a minute,... Ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

 

If nobody else submits, this will win me the right to host CC 695.
What's cool about 695 is that it was the year that Clovis IV, King of the Franks died. He was embalmed in mustard and relish.
by kaufman, 6-05-18

 

by kaufman
6-21-18
Let me tell you, son, your mama so fat, she ...
Damn.

 

by kaufman
7-07-18
Captain, I spy a ship over there that may be ripe for capture. What would you like to do?
We board the ship, take it over, and to let them know we ain't kidding, we make one of them walk the plank. They can draw straws to see who goes.
Draw straws? With all due respect, captain, you can't do that!
I can't? Arrrrrrr! And just why, pray tell, CAN'T I make them draw straws?
'Cause the straws are made of durable plastic compounds that don't degrade, so they'll just sit at the bottom of the sea killing off all the fishes and things.
Hello, McFly, anybody home? I'm sending some fat rich dude to Davy Jones' Locker, and you're worried about a couple of drinking straws?

 

by kaufman
7-25-18
Yesterday
Last week I got the best job in the world! I'm a short order cook.
Best job in the world? What's so good about it?
I don't have to do anything! I just sit around all day and get paid for it.
Today
Hey, you look beat. How's work?
Awful. You know that remake of The Wizard of Oz they're making in town? A hundred fucking munchkins came into our place to eat today.

 

by kaufman
8-17-18
Oh good, Rodney Dangerfield's coming on.
It's nice having a lot of money. I went out and bought a jukebox last month.
I tell you, it works great. Unless I request an Aretha Franklin song, that is. Then it plays nothing and eats my quarter.
I tell you, I don't get no Respect.

 

by kaufman
9-07-18
Did you hear? The news reported this afternoon that Tom Jones died.
Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that. I always thought he was so hot.
Me too. He always put so much into his singing.
By the way, do you know if he's going to be cremated?
I have no idea. Why?
Well, I have to know whether to bury my underwear or burn it.

 

by kaufman
9-24-18
I told you to mop the mess hall. What do you think you're doing? ----------------------- I'm only sleeping.
*sigh*
That's the seventh comic in this Beatle Bailey collection that had that exact punch line.

Showing page 56.

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