All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
4-16-23
As of May 1st, Stripcreator’s web host is requiring that Stripcreator’s code be upgraded from PHP 7.4 to PHP 8 ...
PHP!
PHHP!
PHHHHP!
PHHHP!
PHP! PHP! PHHHP! PHP! There you go. All fixed.

 

by kaufman
7-10-23
I can't take credit for this conversation,
Did you hear about Ridley Scott's new movie project?
No, I don't think I have.
but I was lucky enough to witness it.
It's a biopic about Napoleon. It'll come out this fall.
Ridley Scott? Napoleon? Oh wow, I can see him marauding across Europe when suddenly the alien pops out of his chest.
Well, of course! Why do you think he had to keep his hand in his jacket all the time?

 

by kaufman
7-15-23
In December 1566, the future famed astronomer Tycho Brahe was injured in a drunken duel.
Well, Tycho, the good news is your imjuries are not life-threatening. But I can't repair the damage.
You'll always be scarred. And I'm afraid you've lost your nose. You'll need a prosthesis.
But how will I smell?
Terrible!

 

by kaufman
10-17-23
I just got an email from the IT department saying that they would remove Microsoft's Malicious Software Removal Tool from our muchines due to a vulnerability.
WHAT THE FUCK?
I mean if Microsoft could make anything that wasn't a buggy piece of crap, the damn thing would notice and uninstall itself.

 

by kaufman
4-17-24
o/` Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
Oh god! There he goes again! That's the only song he plays, over and over and over again! I am SO sick of it!
I know.
It's not warm when she's away. Ain't no
I know.
sunshine when she's gone, And she's...
I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. ...

 

by kaufman
7-01-24
There's a sign up ahead. We must be coming to the state line.
Can you read what it says?
Yeah. It says, "Welcome to South Dakota."
"Enjoy your visit or I'll shoot this dog!"
Uh oh, I guess we'd better stop at the Corn Palace.

 

by kaufman
7-16-24
I can't believe how expensive colonoscopies are.
Well, of course they are.
What do you mean?
I mean doctors can't help themselves. They have to charge that much!
Do I need to spell it out? They always find themselves in arrears.

 

by kaufman
1-15-25
I saw a commercial, I think for a hospital, that said the two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
A sweet message in theory, but one that gives me the willies. I'm getting on in years and I still haven't figured out my purpose in life.
What if that day has passed me by and I missed it, and for the past 25 or 50 years, I've just been futzing around instead of doing whatever I should be doing?
Or what if I'm so insignificant, the Great Dispatcher in the Sky just forgot about me, or maybe never bothered to give me any purpose?
But what really scares me shitless is that my special day has yet to come, and when it finally does, I'll wake up and hear a big booming voice tell me ...
IT'S BECAUSE ABORTIONS WEREN'T THAT COMMON IN 1960, YOU DOPE!

 

by kaufman
2-16-25
So other than the bad dreams, did you at least get a good night's sleep?
Not really. The dog was having dreams too and kept jabbing me, and you were dreaming and were grabbing at me.
Obviously, we have to get our dreams into sync.
Yeah, like have the dog dream she's Gladys Knight and we both dream we're Pips. Then we can all move the same way at the same time.
Except I'm White. And you know ...
White men can't dance!

 

by kaufman
5-09-25
Our top story today: The arrests of a massive spy ring who have been funneling top secret information out of the country.
Authorities say the information was being smuggled out through tiny etchings in the spines of dinosaur fossils.
Information security experts expressed alarm, acknowledging the way this case demonstrates recent advances in stegonography.

 

by kaufman
5-11-25
Excuse me sir, can I help you?
Yes, I'm looking for a propeller beanie.
A propeller beanie?
Yeah. For my dog.
What kind of dog?
Labradork.

 

by kaufman
7-19-25
You have been damned to listen to the Beatles' White Album over and over for all eternity.
O-bla-di hell!

 

by kaufman
8-11-25
Today Johnny learns that "Little Free
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!
Apiary" doesn't mean what he thought.

 

by kaufman
9-02-25
I'd like to sign up for y'alls gestapo squad.
We'd love to have you. What are your qualifications?
Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
You said rape twice.
I like rape.
Well, sounds pretty impressive. One more question. Have you ever shot a dog?

 

by kaufman
11-06-25
Hey Grendel, how are you doing.
Ok, Beo. Did you see that lovely full moon rising on your way in?
Hey, what's happening to you? What are you doing? Stop that!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Huh? What do you mean, it isn't Beowerewolf?

Showing page 58.

« Previous