All comics by Chi_The_Cynic

Profile

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
11-17-04
Hello, I was wondering if you're still interested in any working opportunities?
Yes, I am
Are you interested in anything else?
Anything else other than working opportunities? Well, no.. I'm not sure I follow you
So you wouldn't be interested in a job offer I have for you?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
11-17-04
So do you have any customer service experience?
No, I don't
Oh.. do you know anyone else who does?
Excuse me, but I'm the one looking for work here - I'm not going to do your job for you just because I don't happen to match up for the vacancy you've been asked to fill
So that's a no?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
11-25-04
Well, I can tell from your CV that you're a bright guy
Thank you
In fact, I'd say you're a really bright guy overall
Hmm, this is going well
But in this line of work, that really doesn't matter

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
12-06-04
So, if I have to learn Oracle by July, it would be best if I learnt 10g, as this is the latest version
Hmm, but learning 10g only requires two exams, whereas learning 9i requires four
Well, even better - 9i is outdated now, so 10g would not only take less time to pass but would also be the most up to date
Yes, but there's still one problem...
Which is?
I've got all four of your 9i exam dates in my Outlook calendar now, and they're synced with my phone - it'd be a shame to have to change them

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
1-17-05
Now, if we take a look at this feature, we can begin to a get a feel for the product...
Showcasing new software. Could it be any more boring?
Of course, the software comes with walkthroughs which can be played through any conventional media player
Media player. Hooray.
So, I just pull down the File menu and select the walkthrough from my, err, recent files *COUGH!* RIGHT, there we are, it's opening now
Heh. Somebody forgot to clear the porn files from his media list...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
1-18-05
"Which SQL statement contains a nonequijoin?" I have no idea, my mind is suddenly overcome by...
THE CANON C5000 IS AMAZING, LISA! LOOK AT ALL THESE FEATURES AND BUTTONS AND LIGHTS AND EXCITING OPTIONS!
Erm, excuse me, I'm trying to do an exam here
SO?
Well, can you not show Lisa the photocopier downstairs instead and leave me to get on with my exam in peace?
BUT THE CANON C5000 DOWNSTAIRS DOESN'T HAVE AN A3 PAPER DRAWER! IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
1-21-05
Can you check the weather forecast in Barcelona for me online?
Why do you need to know about the weather in Barcelona?
Well, it says here that all of the sales team and I are being taken on a trip to Barcelona as part of IBM's incentive scheme
But that incentive scheme only applies to sales teams who reached their target... and yours didn't
IBM don't know that, though
Not yet...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
2-04-05
I have an important lesson to teach you all today
There is a trade-off between being smart and being well liked
I realised a long time ago which side of the trade-off to take, and I hope in time you will come to follow my example
I wasn't aware that being dumb as well as being universally disliked was a 'side'...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
2-14-05
On the Croydon tram...
Emergency, mate! I need to borrow your phone!
Why do they always say "mate"?
So, can I borrow it?
What's the emergency?
It's Valentine's Day! I need to call my girlfriend!
Haha, sorry, I thought you said "emergency"

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
2-26-05
On our next project, you've got to design a new CRM system making full use of SQL Server and VB
Would it not be a good idea to discuss the sales package with me first before selling it?
Why do you say that?
Well, I have never used SQL Server or VB in my life and yet you've sold services to a client using both
Not my problem!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
3-25-05
No.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
3-25-05
So I'm still having a hard time working out why it's called 'Good' Friday

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-23-05
I've been thinking about the training I said I was going to send you on...
Yes?
Well, I reckon it would be better to send you on the training after you've started work on the new project
How can I start work on this project if I don't have any of the required skills?
By starting the work you will be better placed to decide which skills you need to develop!
OK, so which part of "I don't have any of the required skills" did you not understand?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-23-05
It's a good thing we decided that you weren't going on that training course
"We"?
It turns out there's no money left in our annual training budget
But nobody in our team has been on any training at all this year
That's not true, remember all the management courses I attended in Barcelona?
Money well spent, clearly...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-27-05
Ok, so, we've got two DBAs, a technical architect, and you'll be the applications developer - anyone missing from the project plan?
Yes, we don't yet have a project manager
Hmm.. well, we don't really need one of those for this project do we? Bit of an unnecessary expense...
But we've got no plan besides your handwritten notes, nobody knows what their roles are and the project is due to last 6 months! We have to have a project manager, surely?
Well, since you feel so strongly about it, YOU can write the plan as well as assign roles, and we still won't need a project manager!
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-27-05
I really don't think I should be in charge of planning and running this project
Why ever not?
The reason I asked for a project manager in the first place is precisely because I myself need to be managed
Well, I'm not changing my mind. Anyway, think of the favour I'm doing for you!
Favour?
It's a baptism of fire - you'll be learning on the job! Great experience for you!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-30-05
Vote Conservative! Immigration is a real problem in the UK. You let my ancestors in, for starters!
Vote Liberal Democrat! We're the real alternative to not voting at all... go on, you might as well, what harm can it do?
Vote what you like! It won't make any difference anyway

 

NOOoooOOOoooooOOOooo!
by Chi_The_Cynic, 5-27-05

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-27-05
Let's see now... no visible braking system, car doors falling off at the hinges, under inflated tyres... this car is a death trap!
Sir, please step out of the vehicle
What?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-29-05
For the last time, lieutenant, there are no VC troops hiding in our holy temple, and if you try to force your way in, you will regret it!
Why, what are you going to do, get kung fu on my ass?
No, far worse than that! This is your last warning, lieutenant
Move aside, I'm coming through. And don't try stopping me or I'll be forced to...
Haha, I bet you're sorry now!
...kill you

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-06-05
So it'll probably cost the taxpayer thousands of pounds over the next 30 years...
...but it's a price I'm willing to pay, for one simple reason...
So I can do this: HAHA!

 

I'm going to make an executive decision!
by Chi_The_Cynic, 7-13-05

 

I figured the best thing to do was let the others get on with it
by Chi_The_Cynic, 7-13-05

 

Well, maybe the blame lies with the task we were set, Mr. Trump!
by Chi_The_Cynic, 7-13-05

 

I'm 100% confident that our team won this task
by Chi_The_Cynic, 7-13-05

 

I'll be Project Manager
by Chi_The_Cynic, 7-13-05

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
7-17-05
According to the terms of the contract, our client is entitled to an annual review of the IT work we do for them
I've said that you'll give them an in depth look at the application development you've been doing
Oh, I won't need more than a few minutes to...
No, no, when I say "in depth" I mean you've got to make it look really really complicated so they think we're doing a great job!
Credit where credit's due, he certainly puts the con in consultancy

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-16-05
Hello, I'm interested in becoming a member of the swimming pool, can you tell me more?
What kind of membership are you interested in?
I don't know, that's why I'm asking.
Well, we have two kinds of membership here
What are they?
Yearly or annual

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-16-05
It's free to park in the car park outside - you just hand in your ticket to us when you check in and we refund you the money
But if I do that, how will the parking attendant know that I've paid?
Oh, there's no parking attendant to worry about
So... what's the point of buying a ticket?
So that we can give you a refund when you check in!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-18-05
You asked to see me, sir?
Yes. We've had a client ask if we can take their marketing department in-house and run it ourselves - do you think this is possible?
We're an IT consultancy firm, not a marketing house. We've never done anything like this before, we don't have any of the skills or the experience.
We-e-ell, we run the IT systems for a number of marketing houses, it can't be hard to do the marketing as well. Is it possible?
It's not about it being hard or not, I'm just saying it isn't what we do
Ah, so it is possible!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-25-05
So, how are you getting on with the project?
Do you want the long answer or the short answer?
How about the dishonest answer?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-31-05
Urgh, I feel terrible
I can't remember much beyond 10pm last night...
I think I can see why that might be - there's a bottle of absinthe on the bedside table
And?
It's an empty bottle

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
8-31-05
Kolík to stoji?
Dvì stì krown, prosím
Wow, you actually speak Czech?
Well, just a few phrases - why are you so surprised?
You're a Brit! You speak English! What's the point?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-02-05
Well, with yet another sales contract lost to our main competitor, I guess you'll be out of here sooner or later
What do you mean? I only did the pitch this morning, how can you be certain I lost?
You were trying to sell Oracle running with Power-On Linux to our best client
Yes, and at a great price too, so what's the problem?
Oracle doesn't work with Power-On Linux
I'll start clearing my desk

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-13-05
Hi would you like to hear about an exciting job opportunity we have for you?
Well, I'm employed, but if you have something better to offer...?
I'm certain we do, our client has a job paying £50k for someone with precisely your skillset!
Wow, I'm definitely interested!
That's great, Mr. Parker! We- *click!*
Wrong number

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-15-05
Plans to unveil a large statue of a disabled person in Trafalgar Square have been welcomed by the general public
A spokesman for the charity behind the endeavour said it was high time disabled people gained prominent recognition in central London
So the fact that there's been a one armed half-blind man standing on top of a giant column in Trafalgar Square for the past 160 years has escaped people's notice, I presume?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-17-05
Man, I'm really stuck on what to say in my spam these days
Ah, you need the spamogenerator! It creates perfect spamming material in an instant, no thought required!
Excellent! And does it have proven results?
Sure it does, it's almost as if a human being had written the e-mail!
Copernicus Attention All Homeowners Electrolysis!
Uh, my name's Bob

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-18-05
Do you ever wonder what Heaven will be like for people like us?
Oh, we won't be seeing Heaven.
So where will we be going?
Somewhere far better! I saw it on TV once...
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
9-21-05
I am happy to announce that we are being taken over by Quidsin Ltd.
Why are you happy about it?
Well, according to the terms here, this takeover will mean exciting new opportunities
For them or for us?
For me!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-13-05
The Home Secretary has announced that prisons are overcrowded and that action must be taken soon
Yes, especially since the police are locking up even more people nowadays
Well, in response to this growing problem, the government has decided there is only one solution
Build more prisons?
No, they're going to release thousands of prisoners early
Stunning.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-27-05
The world sucks
Yeah, the world is dead to me
Everything is so bland and empty
And people! They're such sheep, so...
Conformist?
Yeah...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-29-05
Keep away from GOTHS: they wear BLACK which means they are in league with SATAN
You're, like, my best friend in the world ever!
Never talk to ZEN MONKS: they speak A LOT OF NONSENSE
Life is a circle whose four corners denote the eternity of one hand clapping
Keep your distance from MUSLIMS: they frequently EXPLODE
Allah be praised!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-29-05
Women must OBEY MEN: it says so in the BIBLE
Spread 'em.
Never approach ATHEISTS: they will confuse you with "LOGIC"
An all-powerful, all-loving God is incompatible with a world in which evil and suffering persist
Save it for St. Peter, sonny
Steer clear of CATHOLICS: they're WORSE than ATHEISTS

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-29-05
VOTE REPUBLICAN: the GOP believes in Jesus' message of LOVE and PEACE
We're gonna get those folks!
Yay!
Beware GAYS, LESBIANS and FEMINISTS: they are your ENEMY
Looks like we're in the right place
Never let your KIDS watch HARRY POTTER: magic and fantasy is EVIL
Next on Channel 4, Mary Poppins
Hurray! Good clean non-magical family fun!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
10-29-05
Conservative leadership contender David Davis states his platform
I am proposing large tax cuts and more grammar schools as well as opposing the unpopular ID cards policy pioneered by New Labour
Furthermore, I am in favour of creating more jobs, obliterating poverty, saving the UK from terrorism and bringing peace to all mankind
It all sounds very nice, but what's your strategy for getting people to actually vote for you?
I'm changing my name to Cameron by deed poll later this week

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
11-22-05
Are you interested in coming on this company sailing trip?
Hmm, the thing is, I'm not that keen on sailing...
Sorry to interrupt, Luke, but if anyone drops out of the company outing, let me know so I can come along instead
Sure thing, boss
So, what's your decision?
You know, I've suddenly realised I love sailing, count me in

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
1-15-06
So, the project will finish by February
I've heard that before...
Well, I've always said the project would end by February
Yeah, I know...
So what's the problem?
It was 2005 when you said it before

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
1-15-06
So the application works to spec, all functionality has been covered and there will be huge improvements on your previous app
Does it perform the entire business sales process at the click of a button?
Well, not one single click, but-
That's a showstopper! We can't go live with it like that!
But your existing app takes about 7 or 8 different steps, the new one takes only 3 or-
Showstopper!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
1-15-06
Now look what you've done! The customer has asked for a simple requirement and you said it wasn't possible!
Simple requirement? They want us to give them something that isn't possible with the software we bought!
The software we bought is customisable, what's the problem?
What is being asked for is not a customisation, it's a complete rewrite from scratch
Ok, I'll let you get on with it then, glad we had this chat

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
1-15-06
Many sleepless nights later
Ok, based on our last discussion, the application now does everything at a click of a button
Whoa, steady on there... what about security? Are you saying users can just do everything with one click, no prompts, no pop-up reminders?
Well, that is what you asked for
We can't go live like this! There'll be pandemonium! We need at least 3 or 4 steps to be taken by a user before they can complete a sale with the app!
But that's how it was bef-
Showstopper!

Showing page 6.

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