All comics by JoeBlough

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by JoeBlough
5-21-19
So you wanna do porn, eh Miss Phreaky?
What? NO! The ad was directed at Ornithologists!
How ya'll figger dat, sugar tits?
I assumed that an ad worded... (Seeking women into "Swallowing") was for "Birders"!
After Phreaky stormed out the door....
The blonde left, did she?
Change the ad, Frenchy. Swap the word "swallowing" for "Dick Licking".

 

by JoeBlough
5-21-19
C'mon!
Shhhh!
Do it!
Uh uh!
Speak out MAN!
*cricket-cricket*

 

by JoeBlough
5-21-19
Here's the cause of that god awful odor, sir!
I hope you're right. Please remove it!
Glad to, sir! Oh...here comes the wife!
Damn! And I thought that CAT stunk! Whew!
What'd you say?

 

by JoeBlough
5-22-19
They've been waiting 49 years......
Gloria (Gloria), I think they got your number (Gloria) I think they got the alias (Gloria) that you've been living under (Gloria) But you really don't remember, was it something that they said? ...
They DID IT! Hey Rags baby...we're goin' for Lord Stanley's Cup!
I heard. I HEARD! I better dig out my old "Blues" jersey from 1970.
Did ya find em'? They still fit?
Maybe if I sew two of em' together?

 

by JoeBlough
5-22-19
One Possible Scenario....
You all better be "St. Louis Blues" fans, fella!
*tweet* That'll be two minutes for "attempted intimidation"!
"Attempted" my arse! Screw up pal and you'll FEEL MY intimidation!
*tweet-tweet* That'll be a double minor and a game misconduct for "High-Schticking"!
Just before Game 7, Series tied 3-3...
So basically, if the Blues lose, you want I should go all "JOB" on the Refs. Correct?
And throw in the "Sodom & Gomorrah" treatment on Boston, too!

 

by JoeBlough
5-22-19
Amighetti's Sandwiches-St. Louis, Mo.
Is there a problem, Sir?
Yo, yous got a bubblah in dis joint?
A bubblah?
Yeah! I doan wanna choke on dis wicked hot spucky. I'm plenny dry. How's bout a tawnic? Gimme a tawnic. I'll be in the pissah!
I'm sorry, but I don't know what you mean, Sir!
Too bad doan nobody in St. louis talk American like we's do in Bahstun!

 

by JoeBlough
5-23-19
Greg, wake me at ten till five in the morning. OK?
♫Riddle,dee,riddle dee, riddle, dee, dee! Riddle, dee, riddle, dee, riddle, dee, dee...♫
♫Riddle,dee,riddle dee, riddle, dee, dee! Riddle, dee, riddle, dee, riddle, dee, dee...♫
Jesus Christ, Greg! I'm up! I'M UP, ALREADY!

 

by JoeBlough
5-23-19
...AND the panties!
What's wrong with right here, Kim?
But I'll get sand all up in my coochie!
Your sister sure didn't mind! She didn't say a word!
She didn't? Why that little slut!
Actually.....she COULDN'T!
You "deep-throat" almost better than your sister! And ya don't squeal anywhere near as much!
It isn't polite to talk with my mouf full, silly!

 

by JoeBlough
5-23-19
...they'll undergo strict training!
FASTER! You troops gotta gather faster! Do it AGAIN!
What?
No way!
Yer killin' us!
You believe this guy?
We made a damned "Bee-Line", dude! What more ya want?

 

by JoeBlough
5-24-19
What's the world done to ya now, Sambo?
What did you just call me, Honky?
No sense of humor, I see.
Yeah...that's what I THOUGHT!
Gotta run!

 

by JoeBlough
5-24-19
Won't you EVER get outta 5th grade, Jimmy?
I sure hope not!
So, are you REALLY 10 years old like our teacher says?
Oh I'm 10 alright! Just not "years old"! hehehe
The Principal & the 5th Grade Teacher
So Jimmy didn't complain that you're holding him back AGAIN? He must really be into you!
All ten rock hard inches of him, again and again and again, and...!

 

by JoeBlough
5-24-19
After suffering 50 calls a day......
*Brrrrrng, Brrrrng*
I'm NOT gonna answer it! It's nothing but more scammers & phonies trying to bilk me outta my fixed income.
week after week after week......
*Brrrrrng, Brrrrng*
My resolve is firm. Totally ignoring them is the only way to out-smart em' every time!
...until it finally blew up in his face!
You wanna interview me? Why?
Folks wanna know why, after being phoned that you won the lottery daily for over a year, you just let the ticket expire?

 

by JoeBlough
5-24-19
Teacher, how do you stay happy EVERY DAY?
I think you're confusing "Happy" with "Gay", Timmy!
Aren't they the same?
Not at all. Anyone can be "Happy".
They can?
Absolutely...but it takes a real cock-sucker to be "Gay"!

 

by JoeBlough
5-25-19
That was great, Zelda!
Wanna go again?
I best hold off. My ticker can only take so much.
Ok then...let's just go to bed.
Moments later....
Gee Zelda, them thar Yoga Pants sure maked you seem different!
What's zat supposed ta mean, Rube?

 

by JoeBlough
5-25-19
Somewhere in Germany today......
You lookin' for a good ass kicking, Ezrah?
I have no fear of you Punk, Skinheads! Yahweh helps me keep my cool!
Oh he does, does he? Sit on THIS!
We'll see how cool you feel at 600 degrees, Jew boy!
But God has a way of dealing with em'!
"I say we nuke em' ALL from orbit. It's the only way to be sure!"
Why is it always that "Aliens" film with you?

 

by JoeBlough
5-26-19
So, why did you three call me here?
Looks like somebody is making odds...
....on when yer gonna quit...
...this here website! Like THAT'S even on the table? Hahahaha....
Musta had to use the shitter!

 

by JoeBlough
5-26-19
If yer lookin' for a nun, forget it!
Well, here it is, another Sunday morning.
Time for another of JoeBlough's sacrilegious comics.
Now, now, now boy! Maybe he'll surprise us.
You actually said that with a straight face!
At "JoeBlough: Comic Creations"
I'm almost positive Jesus never owned a "Stripclub", dude!
You SURE? Cuz I got one zany, hum-dinger of a 3-panel comic just ready to bust out!

 

by JoeBlough
5-26-19
The night was going fine until....
Happy 46th wedding anniversary, Deb!
Oh Rags, dinner was absolutely lovely and so posh, too! I need to powder my nose before we leave while you pay!
... time for ragu4u to pay.
I'm sorry Mr. ragu4u, but I ran your card three times and it was refused with the oddest message...
That crazy "Seize Card & Call Interpole" message? Don't give it a second thought!
So where is Rags, my loving husband?
Frankly, madame, when he heard the sirens he ran out the back yelling.."My bitch'll pay the tab!"

 

by JoeBlough
5-26-19
I'll be darned, Deb, if "Lunch" didn't score an old fridge with a prize inside.
A prize, eh? Like the one Rags found in his lunchbox as a boy?
"I wouldn't read on if i were YOU!"
Stix School 1954.......
I understand little ragu4u ran home in tears today, gagging. Why?
Some eighth grader put a used condom in his box of Cracker Jack!

 

by JoeBlough
5-27-19
Strange! I thought "Arm-a-geddon" would look different!

 

by JoeBlough
5-27-19

 

by JoeBlough
5-27-19
Rags, did you see Joe Blough's lame assed CC:717 entry?
Do I detect a slight hint of disapproval?
Oh...I forgot. You're one of his lacky, suck asses.
Why don't you just get back to the job you were hired for in the mail room, Barry?
I'm going! I'm GOING! But I swear the ad said "Male-Room"!
Spoken like a guy who owns 3 dildo shaped, PEZ dispensers.

 

by JoeBlough
5-27-19
Can you hear me now?
Not YOU again?
What? How about now? Can you hear me NOW?
You're such a pain in my....
Ok. but you said to tell you when Phreaky began to masturb.....Hello? HELLO?

 

by JoeBlough
5-27-19
Sir Knight, I beseech thee to save the virginity of my kidnapped daughter.
To serve is my only priority, my liege!
She's locked in the tower of the Black Knight. Be stealthy & quick!
Have no worries Sire. Her blossom shall remain unplucked!
It's about god-damned time, Sir Rusty of Nutsack! Those guys were about to screw me every which way from Sunday!
Don't make me laugh, skank. I got chapped lips! Besides, they wouldn't screw YOU with Ron Jeremy's dick!

 

by JoeBlough
5-28-19
Tommy, define "Transgender"!
That's easy! An ugly train would be a boy train and a pretty train would be a girl train!
That's ridiculous! You can't be that clueless. Have one of your parents call me before 4pm!
I'll tell em' but that don't mean they'll call ya!
You're call is late! We must discuss Tommy's lack of gender knowledge!
I got home late. I was stuck taking the ugly old "Frank Train" because I missed the "Pretty Patty" Train!

 

by JoeBlough
5-28-19
"whispering*
Psst! He's must be confessin'' again!
"whispering*
Man, he's one sinnin' S.O.B.! Ain't he?
But they were both wrong!
Thank you, oh Lord, for removing those eaves-dropping bastards!

 

by JoeBlough
5-28-19
Mr. President, one of your biggest critics, Ellen Degenerate, has come out admitting....
This oughta be rich...
...to have been sexually abused at 15 or 16. Do you buy it?
Absolutely, I do! Having ones dick forceably sucked at ANY age is abusive.
But Sir, Ellen had no dick to suck!
So, he'd been castrated then? THAT'S even WORSE!

 

by JoeBlough
5-28-19
Joe, we gotta talk!
So son, ya finally wanna learn Carpentry, eh? Good boy!
Actually...Mary Magdalen is preggers.
Oh SNAP! This is gonna ruffle some feathers!
Gabrielle, did you just hear THAT?
I'm already on it, Boss! "STOP THE PRESSES. HOLD EVERYTHING FOR A REWRITE!"

 

by JoeBlough
5-29-19
Just inside the Illinois State Line....
What's the hurry lady? License & registraion, please!
Damnit man! I'm about to give birth & I gotta get to a...
A hospital to have the baby? Well then, you shoulda stopped at one in Missouri.
I don't wanna GIVE BIRTH! I want an ABORTION! Those "Huckleberries" in Missouri won't do em' at 9 months!
In THAT case I'll give ya a police escort! We're not like those "Rubes" in Missouri. We treat OUR baby killers like family!

 

by JoeBlough
5-29-19
I wonder why everytime I wanna mow the lawn, it rains?
I think you WAIT for it to rain BEFORE you decide to mow!
I'm not takin' the bait, Rags old boy!
Once again I've tasted the thrill of victory while YOU taste the agony of defeat!
Defeat, you say? Bend over & YOU'LL feel the agony of the feet! Or should I say, the "hoof"?

 

by JoeBlough
5-29-19
Russ visits his "Shrink".....
Russ, we have to address your anger issues. Force yourself to think of a happy time in your life!
What the fuck! I'll give er' a shot.
Good! GOOD! You look delighted. Keep it up.
Oh yeah, Doc. This is GREAT. I haven't felt this good & so in control in ages.
So where are you and why are you licking and sniffing your fingers?
I'm 11 yrs. old in the back row of The Bijou Theater with Mary Jane Rottencrotch! Hot-Wet & Sticky..ya dig?

 

by JoeBlough
5-29-19
Hey YOU in there! That stinkin' ass turd yer droppin' better not...
...go cloggin' up the toilet. Jesus, the stink alone would knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon. Whew!
I do love my burritos!

 

by JoeBlough
5-29-19
Hey d_bacon! The rain stopped. You can mow now!
Damnit Rags...
...the TV weatherman said more storms are comin'...
Really? What channel was THAT?
KHON, why? What's the dif?
Cuz we live in St. Louis, moron. NOT on Waikiki Beach!

 

by JoeBlough
5-29-19
Thank you for prearranging your funeral with "Fuzzy & Sons Mortuary".
Oh it's not for ME!
It's NOT? Then who is...?
It's for the gold-digging whore my son married.
Aha! Now it all makes sense. Most folks don't know the exact date & time of a death 6 wks. early!
And don't forget...no casket. Just five medium sized duffle bags. She's gonna, accidentally, be drawn & quartered.

 

by JoeBlough
5-30-19
Svetlana need tampon!
Ok, Ok I'll have Doc bring ya one.
Svetlana need tampon...NOW!
OK baby, but Dr. Dave has needs too, ya know!
Later, In the Warden's Office....
...and no more "Hungarian Smoothies" Doc, or yer FIRED!
Kill-joy!

 

by JoeBlough
5-30-19
I said NOW, Charlie Chan!
Look friend, I'll be outta here within an hour when my wife comes with my bail money.
Well ain't that just too damned bad for you. Get on them knees, Chink, and don't you miss a spot!
I truly believe you totally misunders...
Just about one hour later.....
You were only in there for an hour! What the hell happened to you?
A "Lithuanian Smoothie" happened to me. THAT'S what! Let's get in the car!

 

by JoeBlough
5-31-19
Aren't ya scared?
Of what? YOU? Bwahahahaha!
Psst! How bout NOW?
I'll just ignore his crazy ass!
I do so dislike being ignored!
*ugh*

 

by JoeBlough
5-31-19
Bijou Cinema ...2010
Gimme one child's ticket for "A Serbian Film"!
Sorry kid. No-can-do! It's rated NC-17.
Aw c'mon!
No way! It's full of blood, gore, sex, necrophilia, pedophilia, cannibalism & fecal worship and that's in just the first half hour! HEY...why are you quivering?
I think I just shot my wad!
Great! Ya got what you wanted for FREE! Now scram!

 

by JoeBlough
5-31-19
Chen's Self-Defense School.....
That's it? You talk 5 minutes, I give you $500 cash, & now I'm trained in Judo?
You one very fast learner! As I try to grab you, do as I taught you!
This?
Good! Very good! Keep going!
*Ka-CHING! hehehe*

 

by JoeBlough
5-31-19
A visitor, huh? Who is it?
Your dad, Miss gu4u!
Oh daddy, you shouldn't have come!
Give old dad a hug! I got good news!
Am I getting out?
Even BETTER! I'm gettin' a cell down the block!

 

by JoeBlough
6-01-19
Black Rock Desert in the near future!
So where the hell is everybody this year?
I'm afraid "Burning Man" has finally burned out, dude! Time to make a new sign.
This is bullshit! I guess now we just go home to our old, mundane lives, huh?
Pretty much! I'll pack up the Country Squire!
Back home, a crisis arises!
I gotta admit, I was almost too fat to get into that wig & Dashiki, Mona! But with no more festivals, we'll never go back!
And that's REALLY too bad, Ralph, cause I think we left our 2.1 kids back at Burning Man!

 

by JoeBlough
6-01-19
Virginia Beach Dept. of Public Works
DeWayne? Why are you still here? I fired yer sorry ass!
Hey...did you just hear gunshots?
A Short Time Later
So, were there any fatalities?
According to this list we got 12 dead and 1 on the way!
Earlier, at a Gun Store there....
Wait, Mr. Craddock! Might ya need a silencer too, maybe?
Come to think of it...yeah! Let me see one!

 

by JoeBlough
6-01-19
Outside the "Ladies Room"
Oh man, I gotta go!
Me too, but I can wait!
I hope I didn't stink it up in there, girl? Girl? GIRL??
"Stink it up", you said? My gol-darned skin FELL OFF, bitch!

 

by JoeBlough
6-01-19
I'll take just one more question!
Guess I bull-shitted my way out of another one! hehehe
Did ya hear his Press Conference, Boss?
Did I EVER! Better put another ton of coal on the fire cuz he sure deserves it.

 

by JoeBlough
6-02-19
...sometimes isn't enough!
Don't panic folks. Tyler Perry swore this jet would fly when he sold it to me a while back!
Are we all gonna DIE, Rev. Copeland?
Don't be silly! Just have faith and return to your seat.
How can I? It flew away with the entire tail section!
You don't say! We'll, looks like time to get out the parachute!
Did I hear you say "THE" parachute?

 

by JoeBlough
6-02-19
Who's that on the roof up there??
I'm gonna do it. Don't try and stop me!
I...I...I think it's Maura! Yup. It's Maura, for sure!
Here goes, 3-2-1...Geronim-oooooh...
WOW! Did you see THAT? Right on top of that guy!
Phil? How you get covered in all that FECES?

 

by JoeBlough
6-02-19
Well sweetie, it's 5pm! Did you enjoy "Bring Your Child To Work Day"?
Yes, Mama! Specially watchin' the fork-lift guys in the warehouse.
Then when we get home make sure to tell daddy you had a good time & how hard mommy works.
Ok, mommy!
I KNOW mommy works hard, sweetie! I just wish her bosses felt that way as well.
If suckin'a golf ball thru a garden hose counts, then the warehouse guys sure thinks she does!

 

by JoeBlough
6-02-19
Look Clint, you did OK as a lab guy in "Tarantula" and as Rowdy Yates in "Rawhide" but you need a change.
Like what?
You're gonna be an Italian cowboy. The "Man With No Name".
If I got no name, what will everyone call me?
It depends. If the film does well you'll be a HIT!
If it doesn't, I'll be the SHIT!

 

by JoeBlough
6-02-19
...and competition killer!
Why is it that this road to our places of worship is now ALWAYS empty?
Yes! Your church & my Mosque are without their people!
Do have any idea why this is happening?
I had a suspicion, so I sent a spy a few miles up the road.
...road purchased by Ezrah!
Yes, I WANT the job, but is this even LEGAL?
Absolutely! If they're headed to mosque or church charge em' $1000 to pass. Otherwise, leave the "spike-strips" in place!

 

by JoeBlough
6-02-19
Just Off-Stage....
C'mon guys. Once more with FEELING!
Ya can't have one!
Ya can't have none!
Ya can't have one....
...without the oh-oh-oth-er!

Showing page 6.

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