All comics by LuckyGuess

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by LuckyGuess
2-13-06
Mr. Cheney, why has this shooting been so underrepresented in the media? It's almost as if you're trying to cover it up.
Nonsense! I didn't authorize a government sanction on the major news networks to draw focus to my accidental misfiring instead of a long planned ethnic cleansing operation based in Louisiana.
I'm not really a tiny alien controlling the body of the vice president from a nerve center in the cerebral cortex. Not me.
Say, would you like a plastic flag?

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
Well Vic, it's Valentines day.
Unfortunately, yes.
We've both been run over by our respective mates.
All too true.
I suppose we should resign ourselves to depressing but red hot pity sex.
Oh, Jared. You always make me laugh when I need it most.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
Hey Jared, I'm going to call your house and leave a message.
Why?

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
I bet you won't wait all the way through my message.
Just watch! I'll do it right now!
You have reached Jared. Just to make absolutely sure this isn't either a pointless class-to-home call or a telemarketer, I have prepared a needlessly long message. Enjoy.
You can't win. Submit to my will.
Do you read the whole Bible in this recording or just bits and pieces?

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
Are you still listening to Jared's machine?
I can't let him win!
He's Jared. It would defy the will of the universe if he didn't win.
No! I'll beat him! I'll beat him!
Your face just went pale.
He's reading one of Hitler's speeches, and Yoko Ono is playing in the background.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
I'm sorry, but you can't have electronic devices out in class. Turn it off or I'll confiscate it.
Don't you see? If I can't beat Jared's message machine, I can't succeed at anything at all!
This is your second warning.
NO! NO! I CAN'T LET HIM WIN!
See that, class? Women are very dangerous when they PMS.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
I'm just afraid that without anything to worry about anymore, I'll start becoming more bland.
Why not start some kind of altercation?
But where to begin? Do I just pick a fight with some random person so that I can make witty jokes about it later?
Some girl is beating in the front windshield of your car with an uprooted fence post.
Does she have a phone to her ear?
Sometimes I wonder if you are actually aware of the things that you do.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
...A nice constellation of the autumn and winter sky. The sun passes through it from late April to mid-May. Although there are not many objects to observe in Aries this constellation is important...
...There is no one section that clearly defines idolatry; rather there are a number of commandments on this subject spread through the books of the Hebrew Bible, some of which were written in...
Why did you even make this? It's pure evil!
Are you still listening to that? Most people give up after the 35 hour mark.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
...I don't know how you made it this far, but this is the end for you. The following noises have been collected from various local clergy member's houses, and can only be described as 'sexual'...
No! NOOOOOOOO!
I told you a thousand times, don't look before you flush!

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
I can't stop... not yet...
Jesus Christ, you look like hell. You didn't even get dressed this morning, did you?
Can't stop... can't...
Look, it's been three days. Why don't you just hang up and we'll call it even?
I've come too far... I can't quit yet...
Can you sign this? Nothing special, just making sure I can't be held liable if you, say, die.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
Mmmmff.... phone.... rrrrrgh....
The most destructive weapon ever created by mankind, and on the other hand, they kept peace during last 50 years. And of course such a weapon couldn't be created without the most brilliant scientists.
Ssssssssss.....
Um, ma'am?

 

by LuckyGuess
2-14-06
Mrs. Henderson?
Yes? What's wrong?
We found your daughter roaming the streets making animal noises. She had a cell phone on, but when my partner tried to take it she bit a chunk of his face off. Which she then swallowed.
Oh my God.
...There are two kinds of cannibalism -- sociological and pathological. The former means living and eating in a culture where cannibalism is accepted, and the latter means practicing cannibalism...

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
What? No, it's not my cell, I'm borrowing it.
...The creature's name originated with the discovery of some dead goats in Puerto Rico with puncture wounds in their necks and their blood allegedly drained. According to UFO Magazine...
No, I can't use the damn phone. That idiot Henderson won't stop listening to the fucking message.
...Hypnagogic images, according to some, are the result of the visual system "attempting to make sense" of the visual input still available to the eyes when the mind is drifting toward sleep...
Whaddya mean "Pick up the phone?" Hell no! If she can keep this up, so can I.
...The Fool has the traditional small pack on his shoulder which holds the symbols for the four Tarot suits: the cup, the pentacle, the sword and the wand. The mystic symbol for Air decorates his...

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
...Bluefin tuna exhibit strong schooling behavior while they are young. While schooling is believed to be sight oriented, schools have been observed at night. Therefore, other senses...
Please stop.... I just want to sleep...
...And now the soothing sound of the waves...
Oh thank God.
...Lapping over dead and dying Malasian schoolchildren...
I should be committed for this.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
What? No, I can't hear you over the sound of this shit.
...Dealey Plaza has changed a bit since 1963. The famous Stemmons Freeway sign is gone, and the Hertz car rental sign is gone from atop the Depository. Some of the train tracks over the Triple...
It's a fucking nightmare. No, I told you I'm not going to pick up the fucking reciever.
...On August 18, 1999, police reinforcements were brought in to restrain hundreds of villagers and out-of-towners crowding into Zishou Temple in Lingshi county, Shanxi province. The throng was not...
No, you can go to hell, asshat.
...For my next performace, I'll be quoting a bit of Charles Dickens. Actually, all of Charles Dickens. Ever...

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
Where's Henderson?
She's in the hospital.
Really?
The police found her wandering around the city half-naked. She hadn't eaten or bathed in days.
So they turned off the phone, right?
They couldn't even get close. She has some kind of Vulcan death grip on that thing, and when an officer managed to pry it out of her hand she literally ate his face off.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
Jared, how much is on that tape?
67 hours of me reading speeches and legal documents, 38 hours of shitty music, and however long the combined audio clips from the library are.
Which library?
Congress.
You're going to kill that girl.
According to the waiver she signed, I'm not going to kill anybody.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
Just hear me out.
I did hear you out. It's a game about Jesus.
No, not just Jesus. You can power him up with fire breath or laser vision.
Shouldn't you be visiting a certain someone who was hospitalized as a direct result of your actions?
Jesus?
Fixations, Jared. Fixations.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
Vic, why is my house surrounded by television vans?
The national news picked up the story of your phone machine. There's a nationwide broadcast on it.
So now I'll have the endless message from hell AND annoying newspeople keeping me up at night?
Plus 24-hour coverage of your actions.
This is actually kind of cool.
We have reports that Jared has indeed said, "This is actually kind of cool." We now go to Jared's message machine correspondant Pat O'Brien.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
...Bombing and the threat of being bombed are harsh realities in today's world. The public is becoming more aware of those incidents of violence that are perpetrated by vicious, nefarious segments...
Jared, we have been told here at NBC that you indeed said, "I'm making ramen and going to bed." Can you confirm or deny this?
...The word Leviathan is also mentioned in Rashi's commentary on Genesis 1:21: "God created the great sea monsters - Taninim." Jastrow translates the word "Taninim" as a "sea monster, crocodile...
Jared? Jared? Can you confirm or deny that you indeed ate ramen and went to bed?
Close the door quickly. They could be anywhere.
Why of course you can spend the night here. So good of you to ask.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
Hey, Mom. Sorry I worried you.
Oh God, I'm so glad you're okay.
Why are you staring at me?
Please, just turn off the phone. This has gone far enough.
I'm very sorry to hear you say that, mother.
Honey?

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
It's very odd that your mother was killed so soon after the televised coverage began and you were released.
Yes, officer. It certainly is.
Those phone shaped abrasions on her skull and throat are also interesting. Very interesting.
Are you sure they're interesting? Because if I were a rookie cop alone at a crime scene with the potential murderer, I might not want to think they're very interesting.
No, they're still pretty interesting.
I'm very sorry to hear you say that, officer.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
Jared? I'm turning on the light.
Look, you have to pick up the phone. The Henderson girl has already murdered a cop and her own mother because of you. You can't let anyone else get hurt.
Section G of the waiver she signed releases me from responsibility for people she injures as a result of listening to that message.
You knew this was going to happen, didn't you?
Not as much 'know' as 'have a general feeling.' So yes.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
Why won't you stop? Please stop!!!
...Sugar Gliders have become popular pets in the United States, and anyone who has ever seen one can easily tell you why. Besides being intelligent, playful and inquisitive, they are just darn cute...
Well, you made it all the way to the end. It's been a good month, hasn't it? I hope whatever you said won't be dampered by the fact you could have bypassed this message by pressing 1. *beep*
BlOoOoOoOod...

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
My life is shit.
Duh. You were responsible for the deaths of two people and the mental breakdown of a good friend.
What friend?
Did you seriously just say that?
I'm serious about the hundreds of thousands of messages on my phone. They can't be able to legally post my phone number on television. I should sue.
You are so going to hell for this.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
Ha ha! I totally won!
They just gave you the death penalty.
I left a message on your phone.
The government is going to kill you. You didn't win.
At least I know more about Chupacabras and Bluefin Tuna.
Well thank God for that.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
Well, you got one of your closest friends executed as of five minutes ago. How do you sleep at night?
I don't.
Well it's good to hear you actually care about this.
I do! And let me tell you, it's hard to sleep when you're awaiting a litigation hearing against a major media network.
Sometimes I question why I still talk to you.
Oh, come on. Be a team player.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-15-06
I made today "Official Inform People About Cool Video Games" day.
And how is that working out for you?
What the hell is a Jade Cocoon?
You trap minions from the warp forests in them.
Very well.
You know that when you lie your upper lip twitches a little? Just thought you should be aware.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-16-06
Hello?
Do you go to Elk Grove High?
Yes.
I'm an army recruiter.
No.
Nice try, meat.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-16-06
Where are you going after High School?
College.
Do you need money for that?
It's pretty much taken care of.
Come on. Give me something to run with here.
I'm not gay.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-16-06
What are you majoring in?
Journalism and Political Theory.
Where do you plan to go with that?
Yale.
You're making this difficult.
How? By being successful?

 

by LuckyGuess
2-16-06
I got called by an army recruiter last night.
Really? What happened?
Once he figured out that my life had purpose and direction he sort of hung up.
Somehow that doesn't suprise me.
Why?
Remember 'Retard Ricky' from Camden? They made him a Lieutenant.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-17-06
Daddy, are you gay?
Yes, sweetie. I am.
I've been sleeping with Boyd from legal, Harold from management, and Tim from the copy room. Not to mention the entire Junior High football team.
In fact, I've had more dicks in me than your mother.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-19-06
Josh, the dishes are really starting to pile up, and I have to leave for a writing workshop.
No can do. I just upgraded my Nemean Lions.
You're offline. Just press pause.
Ha! Josh, Elder Titan of the Dark Lord Hades, will never stoop so low as to press pause.
Josh, there are things growing on those dishes that may or may not be hostile towards us.
I will crush the puny mold creatures with the power of my newly upgraded Nemean Lions!

 

by LuckyGuess
2-19-06
Why are we in a field in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of hippies?
To learn to write better, remember? You sent me a letter about this.
I sent you a letter? I thought YOU wanted ME to come.
I never said anything about this.
Must... feed...
Don't worry, my lions. You will soon feed on the flesh of the Egyptian peasants!

 

by LuckyGuess
2-19-06
Josh? You little asshole, why the hell did you send me out to some hippie jamfest?
Where is he? We need to have a little chat with him about wasting our time.
I don't know. The computer is on, but he's not around. I bet he went to his idiot friends houses or something.
Wait a minute... this game is paused.
Current Status: Paused. Gameplay Status: Nemean Lions in battle with Egyptian Peasants.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-19-06
Just bear with me.
Okay, nothing happened to Josh. He's hiding from our combined wrath.
Look, those dishes were covered in some nasty filth an hour ago, and you're telling me that Josh, High King of Procrastiland, cleaned them himself?
Do you have any weapons lying around?

 

by LuckyGuess
2-19-06
Are you kidding me?
These are the only weapons we can use.
A broken iPod and a defunct DreamCast controller? Why don't we just grab some knives from the kitchen?
Those knives were housewarming presents. I'm not stabbing anything with them, especially some nasty mold monster.
Would you rather be dead?
It's better than getting mold monster on the knives I cut ham with.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-19-06
Ready?
As ready as a 120 pound man with a bad back and a broken iPod can be.
YAAAAAA!
AAAAAAA!
There's nothing in this room either. On to the next one.
Did my battle cry sound good that time? I thought it could have used some polish.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-19-06
This is the last room. He can't be anywhere else.
I think this whole "Let's play Silent Hill games at 2 in the morning" thing is getting to you.
For your information, waking up in a mental hospital that's been twisted by fear and hatred is totally cool.
I'm leaving.
Son of a bitch. It IS totally cool.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-19-06
Nate?
Na...
Don't panic. You aren't hiding under the bed from a mold monster. There is not a parallel universe in the yard. Just change your pants, have a sandwich, and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-20-06
Hey man, wanna drop some acid?
Cool, bro.
So get this, man. It's like a little brown square with cinnamon on it.
Whoa! It's like I can see the taste!
That's like, a million dollar idea, man.
I want some toast.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-20-06
At least our condiments didn't mutate like the front yard did.
*sucking noise*
Oh, HELL no.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-20-06
Okay, open the closet on the count of three.
One, two...
...ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

 

by LuckyGuess
2-20-06
Three!
Must.... feed....
Muffin?

 

by LuckyGuess
2-20-06
Hey, sorry about that whole, "Dragging you into a dark parallel universe," thing.
No worries. The doctors say that the demon bites will heal with a minimum of scarring.
That's good.
Whatever happened with your brother and that mold monster?
When I finish this banana nut muffin it's my turn.
Fine, fine.

 

by LuckyGuess
2-20-06
Do you remember the Egg-Waver?
That thing you microwave eggs in?
Yeah. I found some behind the saucepans earlier. If I remember correctly, they would explode in the microwave and you'd have to scrape the egg off the viewing window.
Are you asking me if I want to have some eggs with you?
I'm asking if you want to see them explode. I'm not touching the eggs, especially after being on the walls of our nasty microwave.
You had me at 'explode.'

 

by LuckyGuess
2-20-06
Okay, so set this on High for three minutes...
The suspense is killing me.
Oh God... it smells like burnt flesh and scrambled eggs... Vic? Where are you? Did you see where the door went?

 

Come on, babe. All the cool nuns are doing it.
by LuckyGuess, 2-21-06

 

by LuckyGuess
2-21-06
Shoot the bunny to recieve a free RAZR!
Shoot the ninjas to recieve a free iPod!
Shoot Hitler to recieve a *FREE FISH SANDWICH from participating McDonalds!
Sandwich!

Showing page 6.

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