All comics by Porternotes

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by Porternotes
7-08-15
So, I just gave him the coffees. I guess he'll figure it out on his own.
Or she'll kill him.
Well, she may exhaust him, but he'll learn there's more to a person than looks.
Looks are only important if you care what others think. If you're happy it doesn't matter how a person looks.
You know, come to think of it, we haven't gone out for dinner in a long time.
Yeah... I'm just waiting a little while longer for you to grow out your last haircut.

 

by Porternotes
7-08-15
I've got a funny idea for the comic.
For a few strips, I change things up and pull a bit of a Caitlyn Jenner. Even change the name temporarily from Vegan Dad to Vagina Dad.
You're not saying anything.
Sell out.

 

by Porternotes
7-08-15
C'mon, it would be funny.
Gender confusion is no joke. Intolerance and ignorance is no joke. Take the high road on this one.
So, you're saying go back to strips about poop eating and mean spirited inside jokes.
Yep.
Ok... um.. by the by... I picked up some new underwear for you. It might seem a little stretched out, but I assure you it's clean.
Oh lord.

 

by Porternotes
7-08-15
You interested in closing early tonight. Maybe go and catch a movie?
Sure. What would you like to see?
How about Jurassic World?
That's fine. I'm only really going for the popcorn anyway.
Cool. I was afraid you were going to suggest Magic Mike 2.
Wait, what?! Get the lights, we'll clean up the cafe in the morning.

 

by Porternotes
7-15-15
Hey, TOBOR!
Cheap-Ass! What's going on, man?
I was just thinking about something for drumming up business at my coffee shop. Thought I might swing it by you.
Well, I'm flattered. You asking me instead of your pretty little lady?
I like to have the wacky ideas weeded out before I get her involved.
Yeah, ladies have a limited threshold for wacky.

 

by Porternotes
7-16-15
So, my idea for more business at the coffee shop: Coffee and Cuddle
wha-what?!?
You know. Like in Japan. Purchase a coffee, get some cuddle time.
Like lay down and spoon with someone?! Legit?
I know it seems crazy....
You sweet, crazy, cheap-ass GENIUS!

 

by Porternotes
7-20-15
How's things going with your comic competition.
Well, I'm down 6-4, but there is still a chance I could win with an amazing comeback.
Good luck.
Well, it's all in fun. One guy lost his round and chose to quit the site altogether. That's a bit extreme, I think.
Wouldn't that effect the voting? You're technically out now.
Where's my pills?

 

by Porternotes
7-21-15
So, you really think a combination coffee and cuddle house would work?
Cheap-Ass, that is the muthaf#%^*n' BOMB! You get that going and I'll be there for sure. Save some cuddle for your man, TOBOR.
Well, I DO have to pass the idea by my wife...
Oh, HELL no. You need to jump on this one right away. Get your professional cuddlers lined up and start making appointments.
You ok?
Yeah. I just had this slight chill. No idea where it came from.

 

by Porternotes
7-21-15
Where's Dad?
He came home, they got into a fight, they left.
What about?
Something about cuddling with robots.
We on our own for dinner?
I already called for pizza.

 

by Porternotes
7-21-15
I AM TOBOR. PLEASE INSERT ONE DOLLAR AND oh shit...
Stop right there Robbie!
Listen. Whatever he said, I didn't do it.
Did you give my husband some phone numbers to escort services?
Not exactly. Well, yes, but he needed cuddlers and those girls are professionals. Wait. Let me start over.
Imma get me some tin snips...

 

by Porternotes
7-22-15
Hey, what's that book you've got there?
Go Set a Watchman. That new/old Harper Lee novel set after Mockingbird. It's kind of a big thing right now.
I heard that it's pretty controversial.
Yeah. Well it's a product of the times, you know. An age of ignorance. I sure am glad we progressed past all that racist bullshit.
Honky.

 

by Porternotes
7-24-15
We've been really busy.
Yeah.
I feel like there's something I'm forgetting.
Hmmm... not sure.
Like an important date that's coming up or something...
I see where this is headed.

 

by Porternotes
7-26-15
You can pretend that you'd forgotten, but my birthday is coming up.
Oh, yeah...
I wasn't really expecting much anyway.
Well, money has been tight, but I've got something in mind.
Really?
....sssssssure....

 

by Porternotes
7-27-15
Hey man, I saw that strip about our conversation.
Yeah?
Yes. I don't like how you made me out to be a racist. I would never think to call a white man a 'honky' anyway.
I'm sorry. I have a tendency to go for the laugh. I can post a new strip to make amends.
I would appreciate that. And for the record, I would opt for the more classic 'cracker' over 'honky' any day.
Point taken.

 

by Porternotes
7-29-15
Dude... I can't believe you lured a lion out of a wildlife sanctuary and killed it. What a low thing to do.
You need to get the facts right before you start flappin' yer gums, partner. It wasn't what the media has made it out to be.
There's no way you can convince me that this was anything other than cold blooded murder.
That lion was stalking me. I was innocently driving through the bush and he started chasing me.
You had a dead animal tied to your car.
That was a hood ornament.

 

by Porternotes
7-29-15
You smell something?
No...
It's coming from outside. It smells like fresh baked bread... or cake... or pie... That's it! Like a fresh baked apple pie.
...maybe I do smell it. I wonder what it is.
Honey! There's a pie in the driveway on the hood of some car.
Damn! I was hoping to bag the female.

 

by Porternotes
7-29-15
You can't hunt in town.
I have a permit.
You can't hunt human beings.
I have a permit.
This isn't a hunting permit. This is a letter from the Ted Nugent Fan Club.
No no no... it's not a hunting permit. That letter gives me permission to be an asshole.

 

by Porternotes
7-29-15
You better just get out of here. I don't feel safe with you near my family.
Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to make it up to you.
I don't think you can.
Well allow me to give you a gift. It's a plush lion.
Where did you get this?
They just keep showing up outside of my office.

 

by Porternotes
7-29-15
Well, I'd better get going. I'm sorry I almost killed you and your family.
I do not accept your apology.
I'm also sorry I killed that lion.
I do not believe you.
The next time I get the urge to take advantage of another living creature, I'll just stick to "feeling up" female patients when they're under anesthesia.
Get back to Minnesota where you belong.

 

by Porternotes
7-31-15
Hey, is there any way we could get you to stay a later tonight?
Yeah, there's a way.
What 'way' is that?
Oh, yeah, sorry. No. There's no way. I'm busy.

 

by Porternotes
7-31-15
I don't know why you stay here.
I like it here.
No you don't.
I do, I love it here.
You're rude to the customers. You're always coming in late, going home early, calling in sick. And when you are here, you're on one of the seats in the cafe texting on your phone.
Best job I've ever had.

 

by Porternotes
7-31-15
I guess what I'm saying is that times are tight and if you want to work here, you have to do what WE need, not what you want.
So, what are you saying?
You need to be dedicated to the job as it's supposed to be done. Not what you thing SHOULD be done.
I understand. This whole conversation makes sense.
Ok... but where are you going?
I've got to see if the boss is ok with this.

 

by Porternotes
7-31-15
What are you talking about? I am your boss. What I say goes.
We both know that's not entirely true.
WHAT?! I'm totally confused.
It's ok. I was confused too, at first. Here comes the boss now to straighten things out.
Hey, I thought I said you could go home early today.
Yeah... you need to have a little huddle session with your other employee.

 

by Porternotes
8-05-15
I can't believe that summer is almost over and I haven't done even half of the things that I wanted to this year.
This last Sunday you sat on the couch and watched bowling on television for two hours.
So what?
So in another month and a half when is summer is over I don't want you crying to me about all of the summer stuff you wanted to do and didn't when you waste hours doing dumb things.
Watching bowling on TV is one of the things I do every summer.
I'm going to the lake.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
Who are you and why are you staring at me?
I just have to see if you're for real.
I guarantee you, mister. I am the real deal. What are you trying to start.
I'm not starting anything. I just feel like I know you.
You're nuts...

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
It's so funny. You are exactly the way he described.
Ok, enough of this... what are you talking about.
Vegan Dad. The comic strip.
Vegan what?
You're you, but you're a character in Vegan Dad.
What's a Vegan Dad?

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
Look here, you can see it on my phone. Vegan Dad. It's sometimes funny. Mostly when you're on it.
Son of a BITCH! What did I just say? Who? What?
I don't know exactly who the guy is, but this is the dad here.
Son of a BITCH!
Hey, you guys have got to keep it down with the swearing.
It's YOU, the Vegan Dad.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
I'm not the Vegan Dad, per se. I just make up the comic strip.
Yeah, I just started reading it. It's kinda funny. Mostly I had to see if some of these people are for real.
Yeah, we are. I've been keeping it kinda quiet, though. It's not always flattering.
Like the stories revolving around this guy over here.
Though they are the funniest.
Dude, seriously?! A comic strip? I told you this stuff in confidence.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
Well, I knew you'd find out someday.
Over 300 strips?! Are they all about me?
No, not really.
I'm the butt of all the jokes, though?
Just the funniest ones.
Dude, can you really only have sex for like under a minute at a time?

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
That guy spoke out of turn. I never said that about your sexcapades.
Oh, no?! Well in this strip... it says it right here.
That's not you. It's a cartoon character.
That looks like me. With my name.
...and your disfunction.
I'm calling my lawyer.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
I was just being funny. And one thing the guy said was true, you get the best lines.
That's a small consolation.
Take the time tonight to read the strip and then tell me what you think.
Oh, I will... you better BELIEVE I will.
Maybe have a few beers first.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
I knew this was going to happen.
Sure, I did too.
And now his feelings are hurt.
It's not that bad, you'll see.
And when your family finds out?
I hear Italy is beautiful.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
So you would rather run away to Italy than deal with your family being mad at you?
I deal with them being mad at me all the time already.
True.
I already have bags packed for us, you know.
Ciao, America!

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
Be reasonable. How do you intend to make money in Italy?
I can monetize the comic strip.
It's going to have to be funny.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
We don't know the language. We know nobody there. We have no money to start over.
Internet. Internet. Internet.
Every time you get a wild hair to pull stakes, I've supported you.
OK, then we're on the same page.
This would be a huge undertaking.
Sell it all, the house, our clothes everything.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
Sell everything?
Yes. House. Clothes. Guitars. Everything we won't need in Italy.
We won't need clothes in Italy?
Well, yeah. But if we can make money off of them now, why not?
I don't know about selling my underwear.
Actually, I have some Japanese businessmen lined up for them already. AND you don't even have to bother washing them first.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
Well, I spent the night last night reading your so-called comic strip.
Ok.
I'm highly offended.
Really?
Yes. It's a horrible representation of me.
Then why are you using Descolada's image as your profile picture on Facebook now?

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
I will gladly delete all of the strips that contain you, or even refer to you.
That would only leave you with, like, 5 strips. And unfunny ones at that.
Maybe. But I don't want to distress you.
Only one thing eases my distress, my friend.
What's that?
Cash.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
So, you're planning to black mail me over your character in my comic strip.
Woah! Blackmail is a harsh term.
What you're doing is harsh.
I'm thinking that I'm more of a "collaborator".
I'll tell you what. Any shirts I sell with your image on them, I'll give you a cut.
Shirt sales? I'm not Hello Kitty.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
I want in. The writing. Creativity. A true partnership.
No way, man. I work alone.
It's that or nothing. What do you say?

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
Hey, Phil... Got a minute? Say, the rest of the group wanted me to talk to you, it's kind of embarrassing, but I hope you'll understand.
Oh, hey, Mike. What seems to be the problem?
We feel, well mostly they feel like you're not quite carrying your own weight in the group and... in short: You've gotta fling more poo, man.
It's ok, Mike. I had a feeling this was coming. Yeah, I know I've been down in production lately, but I have some things in mind to get my numbers up.
Great! Great. I knew you would be positive about this. What's your game plan?
Well, it hinges on the village at the edge of the jungle getting a Taco Bell.

 

by Porternotes
8-06-15
I'm expecting a delivery to come through this week. I ordered something online and it was just easier to have it delivered here.
I'll have my guys keep an eye out for it. What's it a high-end sex doll or something?
What?! No! It's just a large crate and I didn't want it outside of my house all day. It's none of your business what's in it.
I'm sorry. My mistake. Where is it shipping from?
Rubber Baby Suckie Doll Co.

 

by Porternotes
8-07-15
Hey Santa.
OH! Vixen.
Why haven't you returned my calls?
I'm really busy right now. Maybe we can talk later today or tomorrow.
Maybe Mrs. Claus will answer the phone for me!
Keep your voice down.

 

by Porternotes
8-08-15
I just can't seem to get Roger to take any interest in me, anymore.
Oh, Honey. YOU need one of my patented margarita makeovers!
You think so?
I'll get the blender and the crimper.
This isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Trust me, it's what Roger has in mind.

 

by Porternotes
8-08-15
See. It worked out all right. Just like I'd said it would.
Yeah, I guess so.
You were really getting into it in the end.
I guess so. I got kinda carried away.
Yeah, No worries. It makes for great realism.
So... explain this Pork Hub to me again...

 

by Porternotes
8-09-15
SuperD? What are you doing in my secret lair?
I got a tip that you are up to no good, Iron Mullet.
No way, man. I'm on probation. Straight and narrow, here...
...and cooking up Spice.
Fire that shit up, muthafukka!

 

by Porternotes
8-10-15
The first time.
Illegals are ruining this country.
Bullshit!
The twentieth time.
Illegals are ruining this country.
Well...
The one hundredth time.
Illegals are ruining this country.
Trump for President.

 

by Porternotes
8-10-15
Really?
Yeah... no.
You're sure?
I'm sure.
Vegan Dad on Stripcreator, it's kind of funny...
I'm gonna go find my friends.

 

by Porternotes
8-12-15
I swear. If you let me go, I'll make sure nothing happens to you. I won't tell the cops or anything.
Liar.
What do you want from me? I already told you my family doesn't have any money.
I know. You've got something far more valuable than money.
What?
Seed. From OUTSIDE the gene pool.

 

by Porternotes
8-13-15
What are you doing?
It's a new management technique I found out about on the internet. It's called "Soft Delivery". I thought I'd try it on Norm.
And so... because your production has been down, we're going to have to let you go. Is there any way we can ease this transition for you?
Are you just going to let him do that with your hand?
The video warned me this could happen. So, I'm wearing a rubber glove under the puppet.

Showing page 6.

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