All comics by Ranger77

Profile

 

by Ranger77
5-09-04
I've got to say you've really kicked ass around here since you became our new Media Director.
I had alot of help to be quite honest.
Yes, but it takes a true leader to bring it all together.
Thanks, but I've been hyped pretty big around here. I feel like I have to live up to it.
No, you don't. History tells us otherwise. I've got three words for you: "Blair Witch Project."
Good point...

 

by Ranger77
5-10-04
Well, another good deed done in the name of right. Those felons I just gathered up will trouble this city no more.
Yeah. Sure.
I hope you and your fellow brothers in blue don't take offense to my participation in the crime fighting effort.
Nope. Not at all. In fact some of us have superpowers of our own.
Really?
Yep. Mine for example is the power of Compulsion. This ticket I'm writing you for double parking your "Justice Mobile" will compel you to appear in court to fight it.

 

by Ranger77
5-12-04
Sugar.....Pasta.....Bread....must consume.....ARRRR!
Atkins?
Atkins. Day 3, I think.

 

by Ranger77
5-14-04
1986: "The relationships I had in college were best described as near misses. You THINK you get to know someone, get up the nerve to ask for a date and then...."
Hey, are you ok? You seem a little distracted today.
Nope I'm fine.
You sure you don't want to talk about it?
I'm sure. With what I spend on therapy and medication, I shouldn't have to solicit any outside advice.
"Years later that true story would end up in a comic strip. Funny thing....I don't think any SC character could convey the fucked up expression I had on my face...."
Uh....ok.
Nothing personal.

 

by Ranger77
5-19-04
On being a sentient burning bush....
That's it. Closer....closer....
Boo.
So sue me....everyone needs a hobby.

 

by Ranger77
5-21-04
Meanwhile at the "Legion of Bad Deeds", a new leader emerges....
The League of Defenders or whatever they're calling themselves this week are ruining our position as an evil organization, plain and simple.
To combat this I've devised a nine point plan that will enhance our ability to cause mayhem and destruction.
And....?
*sigh* I've approved 'Casual Fridays' and Skittles are now available at the snack bar.
Hurrah!!

 

by Ranger77
5-21-04
True story....
I was calling because there is a hold associated with my name that is preventing me from getting my college transcripts.
Hmm....let's see. Yes. It's an admissions hold. We don't have your high school transcripts.
Umm, I graduated from college a few years ago.
Doesn't matter. We cannot release your college transcripts until you provide your high school ones.
I really wish this was just the delusions of someone who spends way to much time writing comics, but its all tragically true with near exact quotes. Ah, academia how I miss ye.
Didn't you have them already. I mean, didn't you require them at the time of admission.
Mr....uh....Ranger, if we waited for people to submit their high school transcripts, no one would get admitted.

 

by Ranger77
5-22-04
Take me to your leader.
That would be rather difficult. I assume that you mean our President, but since that office is usually determined by the electoral college and not the popular vote per se....
Uh...take me....
Of course complicating that would be that our last election results were handed down from the Supreme Court due to some voting problems in Florida. You see there were these 'hanging chads' and....
Fuck it, I'm going to Mars.
Hey, I don't blame you. You should see the choices we have this time around.

 

by Ranger77
5-22-04
Hello....I know this is a bit strange but the operator who transferred me said you were in charge of prisoner interrogations in Iraq.
Er....yes. What do you want?
Well I've been seeing all these pictures of naked prisoners huddled together and hearing about sexual humiliation....
Sir, I'm not sure how you got this number, but I'll have to terminate this conversation NOW.
Hold on. I just want to know if you got a guy we knew in the lifestyle as "Bad Freddy" working for you.
Ted?....Is that you?

 

by Ranger77
5-24-04
Matak (the Terrible), new leader of the Legion of Bad Deeds, takes his message of change to the workers!!
I know life is not easy for you evil minions. You staff our fortresses. You take our orders. You endure the mood swings of your evil genius masters.
You wear silly jumpsuits and are invariably killed or injured by secret agents and superheros on a daily basis. It's a thankless job.
Therefore I've raised your wages to 4.50/hr and beatings will only occur on Tuesday.
What about our Dental plan?!

 

by Ranger77
5-25-04
Nope. That cloud doesn't look anything like Jessica Alba's butt. You've been reading too much Maxim again.
Aw come on....Look at that curve next to the cloud that looks like Jessica Simpson's leg.

 

by Ranger77
5-27-04
The financial world was shocked today by Microsoft's announcement that it was engaging in a hostile takeover of....a comic strip.
The comic "Ranger's World", an obscure and seldom read strip, has included many negative Microsoft references in the past. A spokesman for Microsoft had this to say at a press conference.
.....Strip represents subtle danger to company....Strip must be assimilated.....
It's been reported that the WindowsME logo has been showing up on the backs of milk cartons. Any comments?

 

by Ranger77
5-27-04
CNN: May 27, 2004
Dude, you're not serious.
I am. I'm going to sue the Atkins folks just like that guy in Florida. It's dangerous and more people should know about it.
You didn't seem to mind when you were kicking back pork rinds and cheese steaks with no buns. Besides the lawyer in that Florida case represents a Vegan advocacy group.
That doesn't matter. I was told the diet was great and now my cholesterol is 350. I've started eating Twinkies in protest.
Do you often just follow the latest mindless pop culture hype without any thought?
I don't understand your question. By the way did you see American Idol last night?

 

by Ranger77
5-28-04
This place is looking better. My leadership is bringing back respectability into being part of an evil organization.
Still, some might not like my approach. With the day care center, the Pasta Bar in the cafeteria, and the profit sharing plan, I could be accused of becoming too "corporate."
Which is why I had to bring in the most evil character I could find to advise me and make sure this organization stays on track....
Iva Biggun: Lawyer, Agent and Marketing Professional at your service sir.

 

by Ranger77
5-29-04
AP (via Yahoo): Fri, May 29, 2004
Dad?
Dad, I really think you're overreacting. College is a time to explore and challenge one's self regardless of cost.
(I really wish I was making this up: http://www.slayage.tv/)
Fainting because I've decided to focus my studies on "Buffy and the new American Buddhism" is just a reflection on how close minded and 'uncool' you are.

 

by Ranger77
5-29-04
What's up with this Microsoft lawsuit?
Evidently we hit a nerve.
Why are they concerned about a amateur comic? Sounds silly.
Biel and the D&G legal team have actually been in negiotations since Feburary when they announced their intent. Things took a nosedive when I decided to call on Gates myself.
You....as a Penguin, went to Redmond to visit Bill Gates?
Yeah, I know. It didn't help that I was wearing a red hat when I did.

 

by Ranger77
5-30-04
Mailbag time!
Our latest letter is from a reader in Coldwater, MI. She asks a typical but very engaging question: "What is the Meaning of Life."
Ah, that one.
We monks spend many years studying that question.
And there are many ways to answer it.
But basically we prefer this: "The Meaning of Life" was a Python film released in 1983.
And it was better than Grail. Deal with it.

 

by Ranger77
6-01-04
I've noticed you-Hoo don't have many computers here. 'Cyber-crime' is quite big nowadays and very profitable.
Bah! I'm of the old school. Real villiany....not this hands off electronic crap. You hold up a bank, you go in lasers blazing, cops at your heels and your pulse pounding in your ears.
Ummm...last year four of your group's members were caught during robberies and one I believe was crippled by CatLass and now has to urinate with the aid of a tube and a plastic bag.
So....Dell or Gateway?
Dell, but only if they throw in DVD burners. And Radeon 9800 video cards....none of that onboard stuff.

 

by Ranger77
6-02-04
Look, Microsoft doesn't believe in censorship. But as part of their legal team I have to take appropriate action when their brand image is being tarnished. Furthermore.....$%!...PLEASE WAIT.
What? What's Wrong?
"Biel, what the hell is he doing?"
**Downloading Critical Update for Internet Explorer 6 Service Pack 1 (KB831167)***
If I didn't know better I'd swear he's patching himself.
"You have GOT to be kidding me!"
***Installing Security Update for Microsoft Data Access Components (KB832483)***
That's nothing....you should have been here earlier when his XP firewall was enabled.

 

by Ranger77
6-03-04
You guys are phoneys. Tell me something deep and philosophical. I dare you. It'll end up being a pop culture or porn reference.
Ok....I know the exact location where the universe started. You're standing right on it.
Wha....?
Space and time came into being simultaneously. This means that the birth of the universe (and reality as we know it) started as an single point and expanded everywhere at once.
AAAAH!
Oops....you wanted philosophy. How about "Never eat anything bigger than your head."

 

by Ranger77
6-04-04
Microsoft HQ: Redmond, WA.
So the Ranger's World talks are going nowhere, I hear.
They are a cynical bunch of characters.
(Reuters, via Yahoo, June 4, 2004)
Did you tell them that we have patented the "double-click" on handheld devices. That should prove our resolve and our power.
Yes, I did, and then the penquin asks me if we are going to patent the terms "Fuckin' Windows!" and "AARGH!"
Obviously we have a "leak" in our Patent and Trademark office. Find out where he's getting his information.
Consider it done.

 

by Ranger77
6-06-04
Has Evil gone Corporate? We go to Traylor Barone with his exclusive interview with the new CEO and Marketing Director of the "revamped" Legion of Bad Deeds.
"Gentleman I'll get straight to the point. The Legion of Bad Deeds has participated in Extortion, Blackmail, Theft and even Murder. What makes the group different now?"
The Legion has gone through a paradigm shift. We're a corporate entity now. We've even changed our name to "DAEMONient"
Which means that we can do all those things you mentioned legally, like any other corporation.
"I beg to differ. I personally know of no other corporation that has a 'Death Ray' as implied in your latest prospectus."
*sigh* There you media types go again. That was taken out of context. We stated we have a "Transistional State Emitter."
The fact that it transistions living things to dead things is purely coincidental.

 

by Ranger77
6-08-04
"You know we're never going to get through these negiotiations if you keep patching yourself."
My client does have a point. Can't you wait until later?
To ensure continued protection of the operating environment, we at Microsoft encourage updating all of its products at the earliest opportunity.
"Whatever...."
Well at least you're done now. Now about section seven of your complaint regarding unfair parody....
Uh-oh....I probably shouldn't have installed that ODBC update....*burpppp*
"Great. This is just great."
Maybe we should just restart this comic a few times.
You people just don't understand innovation.

 

by Ranger77
6-09-04
Hollywood, CA - June 9, 2004
Did you see that three pointer Kobe made last night. The Lakers won Game 2 because of him. He is amazing!
Wow. I never expected to hear that from you. You know he's accused of rape.
Look he's innocent until proven guilty. Right now he's one of the Lakers' star players. The guy IS incredible!
Ok.
After they win the Finals, then they can nail his rapist ass to the wall.
Ah....I see.

 

by Ranger77
6-10-04
So your Mom thinks you watch too much sex and violence on TV?
Yeah. She banned me from watching Spike and SciFi....No Adult Swim either. She channel locked the TV for a week and all I could view was The Lifetime channel.
How was that?
I saw three movies about domestic violence, a couple shows where the husband kills his wife. Some suicide, adultery and a show where two weird looking ladies were giving advice about oral sex.
Whoa. Maybe you should try that cable channel called PAX. It means Peace you know....
I think this week they're running a "Diagnosis Murder" marathon.

 

by Ranger77
6-11-04
Ummm....why did that guy run away from you screaming? It looks like he's trying make himself vomit in a trashcan.
Another Monk admirer. He was telling me about animal cruelty, his Vegan diet and how he lost 50lbs by eating sugar free Jello.
And of course you felt obligated to tell him what Jello was made out of. What are these white things on the ground?
Altoids. I felt obligated to tell him about those too. I was feeling punchy and it's been a slow day.

 

by Ranger77
6-13-04
So how do you propose we get out of this situation? You seemed to have blue screened the strip.
Stop 0x0000001e (c000009a 80123f36 02000000 00000246)
That's not telling me much.
This message is a courtesy to assist in debugging. Our so called "Blue Screen of Death" is actually a helpful tool. You just have to record the data and call our technical support line.
Actually, it seems that the failure of your operating system to....um....operate has caused our strip hardship. That is legally actionable and we could countersue for damages. Your thoughts?
Stop 0x0000001e (c000009a 80123f36 02000000 00000246)

 

by Ranger77
6-15-04
I'm glad to see you made it back from your recon mission alive. The Legion of Bad Deeds is a dangerous bunch.
I successfully infiltrated their organization. It was simple really....
Normally I prefer "in your face" crime fighting. But this corporate image thing they've created is dangerous.
More than you know. Their recruitment is up. They're offering competitive wages, profit sharing, and a killer benefit package with stock options.
Great Scott! It's worse than I thought. Anything else?
Yep, I quit. They offered me a company car. Escalade caddy, baby! Woo-Hoo!

 

by Ranger77
6-19-04
Ok, I'm back. And THIS time, no matter what you say, I will not fall to pieces like last time.
Fair enough. But, consider this: How can one be pro-life and in favor of the death penalty?
Ummm...
Conversely how can one think euthanasia regulated by the state would be somehow less prone to abuse and mistakes than capital punishment.
OOF!
I wasn't even trying that time. The real question is, who the hell would actually buy a Resse's Peanut Butter Cup made with White Chocolate.

 

by Ranger77
6-19-04
Microsoft announced today that it was dropping its slander suit against the comic strip "Ranger's World"
Biel Z. Bubb, legal counsel for Ranger's World applauded the Redmond based company's decision calling it a triumph of free speech.
We pretty much had them by the balls.
There were reports that the suit was dropped because the comic strip suffered a "blue screen of death" last week. Efforts to confirm this were unsucessful as the Microsoft spokesman was unavailable.
My functions are restricted. I, uh, forgot to validate my copy of XP.

 

by Ranger77
6-20-04
You Shaolin bastard. Now look what you've done.
You challenged me to blow your mind. I did. It's as simple as that.
Well at least nothing you can say now will be able to affect ....
Three words: Low. Carb. Donuts.
I hate you.
I was going to say "Iraqi Sovereignty", but that just would have been sadistic on my part. And...its only two words.

 

by Ranger77
6-22-04
Orgo don't know he like this new image da boss is tryin' to give us.
He's trying to make evil more profitable. Even so, this dress code thing is a bit silly.
Orgo like da new toys... Orgo even got a phone. But with all the voicemail and email Orgo don't have time to do crimes.
I only got a four on my recent "performance review." I was told that I had to be more of a team leader and not so negative.
Maybe Orgo should become a good guy.
Forget it. HR made you sign a non-compete contract last week remember?

 

by Ranger77
6-22-04
We get proposals pitched to us all the time. For example...
So this the plan man. We bring the biggest bands in the world, find a huge wide open field and just play, yo. Establish a big community with rock, and hip hop...no borders, man. No borders.
I see.
Now I know what you're thinking....Woodstock. This ain't about that. This is about activism, and rising up against jingoism, authority and selfish materialism through music.
I see. So why are you telling me all this?
MTV said that if we really wanted to spread our message of protest AND get the appropriate coverage, we needed corporate sponsor.
Well, yes, but you go for the fast food and soft drink endorsements first. Beer companies come next, followed by Mentos and THEN folks like us.

 

by Ranger77
6-24-04
Sometimes I get the feeling I'm missing something. You know almost like there's some joke I'm just not getting. You ever feel that way?
Not really, but let me ask you this: Why Donkey Kong? I can understand the Kong part, but Donkey? Very strange.
I will never understand why people ask ME about that stupid video game.
Some mysteries are better left unsolved.

 

by Ranger77
6-25-04
Now let those villians at DEMONient top this. A state of the art Orbital Outpost!
Isn't this that Alien Mothership with the busted cloaking device from a few months ago?
We didn't even bother trying to fix it. Everything else works. Think of the publicity....when people look into the sky, they'll see this symbol of justice!
How will they see the outpost if you can't make it visible.
Can't you at least pretend to be positive sometimes.
Sure. I'm positive that you won't be able to use the toilets on this ship either.

 

by Ranger77
6-30-04
You know after several months of being a penguin I have to admit that it's not bad. After all the squirrel thing was a bit strange. The nuts, the tail flicking....this is much better.
Besides, I'm running D&G now that Bick is off campaigning. A penguin receives more respect than a squirrel, Right?
God, I miss my furry tail.
I figured you were in denial. I was just going to let you keep talking....

 

by Ranger77
6-30-04
As overheard outside a showing of 'Farenheit 9/11'....
Well if taken for what it was, at least it's provoking discussions about what's going on with the Iraq.
Yeah, but dude if the present administration focused half as much energy on banning guns we wouldn't need fascist policy like the Patriot Act.
That's a bit simplistic. Besides some see gun ownership as a right.
Well if they don't give them up we should force them to. You know....maybe even form a domestic authority to kick down a few doors look for them if necessary.
"Domestic authority" and questionable search and seizure. You haven't really READ the Patriot Act have you?
Nope. I just don't like the name.

 

by Ranger77
7-03-04
These portraits of our members are amazing, EnergyGrrl!
I think so too. The PR firm says this is just what we need to counter DEMONient's corporate image. Their fees are pretty reasonable as well.
Great. Stay on this. It's definitely worth the money!
Right.
So how long have you been using HeroMachine 2.0?
A couple days. If you keep quiet I'll cut you in for half.

 

by Ranger77
7-05-04
Well that's one more lawsuit down.
For now...we seem to get sued every three months or so.
It's a cheap plot device. Anyway how's your mom? Haven't seen her around lately.
She's turning 45 so I finally convinced her to take it easy. You know, tone it down, relax and do some normal things....maybe start a business or something.
I'm telling you, "Nuns Gone Wild: Bad Habits" will be a blockbuster. And it's just the beginning. You've got potential deary....embrace it.
I think I'm going to leave now and take a few dozen hot showers.

 

by Ranger77
7-06-04
I hear you're not happy here at DEMONient, Orgo. Tell me what's wrong.
Orgo not like cubicle and TPS reports. Orgo thinking about leaving.
Leaving....hmmm. You're not under a binding contract here. Why don't you allow me to help you.
I don't know....Orgo doesn't trust lawyers. What you have in mind?
A common criminal becoming a member of the Defenders League....I'm not sure....
Get with the 21st century, Captain. He's a free agent, besides I've already lined up endorsements from the Plastic Surgeon's Association and Campbell's Chunky Soup. It's a no brainer.

 

by Ranger77
7-07-04
You know mimes get a bad rap. Take that guy over there. He's pretty good.
He's more of a performance artist. Look at how he imitates people as they walk by. It's more like social commentary.
I say he'll last about ten more minues before someone kicks his ass.
It's a bet. I'll take fifteen.

 

by Ranger77
7-10-04
I don't believe you. Trying to hire nuns to pose for a porn site?! WHAT were you thinking, mom!?
Competition is tough dear. You gotta go for creativity.
Guys are pretty single minded. They don't want creativity, they want "boobs and box". You should know that.
Helena, when I did porn in the 70's we had REAL creativity, not just naked flesh. That's the problem with you kids today, everything is so homogenized.
I don't believe we're even having this conversation.
Doing six black midgets in a farmhouse while dressed as Snow White....that's how WE did it back in the day!

 

by Ranger77
7-10-04
Saw a dead dog in the road today. Tire treads imprinted across its burst stomach. That pretty much sums up how it is nowadays. You either go with the flow or you get run over.
Then again, if you go against the flow and strike back at your enemies, you're made pure. You're alive. Dog versus Car: no contest. Me....I have bigger teeth. So I ask you this....
....Are you going to let me choose the toy I want in my Happy Meal or do I have to get terribly graphic up in here?

 

by Ranger77
7-10-04
New AOL 9.0!! You need this folks because surfing the Internet without training wheels is just plain tacky!
We're family friendly with our parental controls. We have great content and best of all we're secure. Don't worry about spam either!
To test our filtering technology, one of our employees recently resold millions of our subscriber email addresses to spammers. Isn't that cool!! Of course he's going to jail now but....

 

by Ranger77
7-11-04
I'm not giving up on getting my Mom to set up a legitmate business.
You're Mom is fine. She's a bit raunchy but she's basically a good person.
She has to get outside of this porn mindset. Just as a sort of training I asked her to sell lemonade. It's a basic, simple business exercise. No sex involved.
Ummm....you didn't see "The Apprentice," did you?
Regular glass: Fifty cents. Topless glass: $100.50. What is a "topless glass"?
A glass of lemonade and I flash you. What are you, stupid or something?

 

by Ranger77
7-11-04
Yesterday, descendants of Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton reinacted the famous duel which ultimately killed Hamilton.
The event was attended by about 1000 onlookers wishing to view this homage to history.
In a related story, Fox announced that it was developing a reality show called "Don't Make Me Bust A Cap in Yo Ass" based loosely on the 1804 event, directed by John Woo and with music by Linkin Park.

 

by Ranger77
7-12-04
Meanwhile aboard Defenders League Orbital HQ....
I've searched through the records and it looks like this Orgo guy hasn't done anything too serious. Still, he was a villain.
You have to start thinking of what he can do for your team. You have magic users, techies, dark heroes, pretty babes....you need a "brick"; a big, strong character to round it off.
Well, admittedly we don't have that.
Every superhero team has a "brick". DEMONient has three already. You NEED Orgo. Here are his salary requirements.
Holy cow....you want me to pay this for a "brick!"
Think of it as a GOLD plated brick....

 

by Ranger77
7-14-04
You made $3400 in one week by running a lemonade stand?
Hard to beleive isn't it?
Ok....what did you do, flash a breast with every glass sold or....
Ok, I admit it. At first I was using sex to sell lemonade, but then I decided that was stupid. I found a place, hired a few people and voila, instant sucess!
I want to buy some....uh....lemonade?
No problem. There's a $10 cover. Table dances are free, but Lemonade costs $20 a glass. We have a six glass minimum unless you want to see the VIP "drinking" room....

 

by Ranger77
7-15-04
Meanwhile....
Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find "The Incredible M.O.U.S.E?"
He's on the Defender's League Orbital Platform. He'll be back later this week. Can I take a message?
Sure. Tell him um, "I know where you live. You cannot escape us. We'll get you in the end."
Ummm...okay.
Oh yeah, can you please add "DieDieDie!" in there as well.
Wait a minute. Let me write this down.

 

by Ranger77
7-17-04
Ok....here we go.
Wait for it....almost....
There you go. Mind over matter is some cool shit, huh?
Show off.

Showing page 6.

« Previous Next »