All comics by Zimri

 

by Zimri
11-09-05
Virginia and New Jersey have both elected Democratic governors.
They are the 21st and 22nd states to do so.
Ed. note: it takes 50 states with Democratic governors to solve the problems of the warmongering, greedy, fag-bashing, ultra-conservative, regressive, religiously fanatic regime of the last 4 years.
We're almost halfway there, baby.

 

by Zimri
11-10-05
I have a single, unifying belief that has guided me through my entire life and dictates everything I do:
That every tear I cause someone else to shed is directly proportional to the amount of sperm I will ejaculate in my life time.

 

by Zimri
11-12-05
Almost there...
Ooo, yeah!
Keep it steady...!
Here it comes...!
Wow, that was a nice shot.
Playing marbles is fun.

 

by Zimri
11-15-05
Is she in a good mood today?
Yes.

 

by Zimri
11-15-05
You should really do drugs. They're the best!
Nope...I'm strictly a booze man.
Junkies are the coolest people alive.
...you've convinced me. Help me hook up this IV of acid, and we'll go to Hooters. I'll drive.

 

by Zimri
11-20-05
Jesus, what's wrong with Johnson?
I reminded him that Bush still has over a thousand days left in office.

 

by Zimri
11-20-05
Why 'ello 'ello!
Impeach Bush!
Interesting. Who do you think should be president?
How about...
...ANYONE ELSE?!

 

by Zimri
11-20-05
Do you know that movie "Speed?"
Yeah.
I did kind of a spin off movie from it.
Oh?
Yes...it's two and a half hours of me masturbating. If I jerk at less than fifty-five miles an hour, I die!

 

by Zimri
11-20-05
You going to eat that?
Do you mean those coconuts or the mushy brains of our fallen comrades?
...the coconuts.
Nope, you go ahead.

 

I believe I am entitled to be a drunken blowhard simply because I've managed to survive the first fifth or so of my life.
by Zimri, 11-20-05

 

by Zimri
11-20-05
Trying to have an intelligent conversation with a conservative is like ordering Thai food.
What they're saying doesn't any "sese."
...when I talk, big piles of crap fly out of my mouth.

 

by Zimri
11-21-05
Boy, I love Marilyn Manson. I shall download his latest hit.
Do you like...flowers?

 

by Zimri
11-22-05
Welcome to PA Unemployment Services. This is Greg Ouzonian. My records show you are two weeks behind on filing your claim for your check.
Yes....yes, I am....damn Armenians...
Sorry, what was that?
Oh, uh, I said, "damn Iranians!"
...yeah, I fuckin' hate them so much.

 

by Zimri
11-24-05
Want to go back for seconds?
No, I try to watch how much I eat.
Me too.
I watch what I eat...want to keep in shape for your wife.

 

by Zimri
11-25-05
My robot attacks yours with swarmers!
I counter with chaff!
Firing triple laser cannon!
Raising shields!
Using my real life telepathic powers to squeeze your spine!
Oh shzl gzngar!

 

by Zimri
11-25-05
go on
Now I'm delicately kissing your neck...
i sneeze
Uh...uh...ok. Well, then I'm nibbling on your throat...
i kweef
Ok, stop.

 

by Zimri
11-29-05
So do you think we drink too much?
I don't know...I am getting you a bottle of Jagermeister for Christmas.
Yeah, I'm getting one for you, too.
Hmmm...
Do you want to do a shot?
Yes.

 

by Zimri
11-29-05
i need someone 2 talk 2...im havin problems w/ my bf
Your boyfriend, eh? I'll be right over. I'll give you a back rub.
ooo thnx
And then I'll hug you tight and let you know I'm here for you.
ur so nice
Then it's right to bashing you unconscious with a rock, followed by a hell of a rogering.

 

by Zimri
11-29-05
Hello?
What is this? Where are you?
Ten minutes later
sory i wuz peein...what did u want
Something to wank off to. Crisis resolved!

 

by Zimri
11-29-05
I sure do love Woodchuck Draft Cider. It's a unique blend of apple cider, champagne, and beer.
It's like those lost days of my youth, going to the farm with my dad, drinking fresh, cold cider out of a glass mason jar, each one with its red ribbon and tiny little gold and green label.
Plus, I get to be drunk.

 

by Zimri
11-30-05
My method for dating goes thusly:
Immediately turning on porno during those awkward pauses while sitting on the sofa.
Eight times out of ten it doesn't work, but when it does, mmm boy.

 

by Zimri
12-02-05
Hello, I'm performance artist Gallagher.
(Insert disparaging, hateful comment about gays under a facade of political knowledge and wit)
Now excuse me while I smash this watermelon.

 

by Zimri
12-05-05
The Eagles lost 42-0 tonight.
...sometimes this stuff just writes itself.

 

by Zimri
12-06-05
I just saw this GREAT movie.
Oh yeah? What was it called?
"Shemale orgy by pool."
...

 

by Zimri
12-06-05
so
So you're a big fat chick, right?
sure am
Would you ever sleep with me?
nope...im sorry did i hurt ur feelingz
...I have failed at failure.

 

by Zimri
12-07-05
I want America to trust in me.
Trust in me despite the fact that my speeches sound like sixth grader's book reports.
Retarded sixth graders who get sodomized nightly by their uncles.

 

by Zimri
12-12-05
Lots of people are questioning whether the political drama of Syriana is going to be well recieved by the movie-going public.
I think people are sophisticated enough to handle it.
Five minutes later...
Yeah! Drink that dead rat smoothie!

 

by Zimri
12-24-05
I will be celebrating Christmas this year, despite the fact that I'm not Catholic.
If Christmas were a real religious holiday, I'd avoid it.
And by "celebrating" I mean getting drunk and throwing darts at a picture of President Bush.

 

by Zimri
12-24-05
One time, my mom told me, "I'm ashamed you came out of my body."
...best birthday ever!

 

by Zimri
12-27-05
Anna Nicole Smith, noted nude dancer and pornography actress, has recieved an unexpected ally in her quest to obtain her late husband's $474 million in oil profits: the Bush Whitehouse
The administration’s top Supreme Court lawyer filed arguments on Smith’s behalf and wants to take part when the case is argued before the justices.
And I thought Democrats were supposed to be immoral pigs.

 

by Zimri
1-04-06
I love irony. Demi Moore should play a prank on Ashton Kutcher.
She should abort his baby live on MTV.
Then she'll scream, "PUNK'D!" and howl with laughter.

 

by Zimri
1-10-06
i need some serious advice
Yes, you should have sex with me.
and u wonde why i won't b ur girlfriend
Is it because I slept with your mom and little brother?
yes

 

by Zimri
1-18-06
My seven year old cousin can play Call of Duty 2 for XBOX 360 better than I can.
Kids grow up so fast nowadays.
And they press charges about childhood sexual abuse so readily.

 

by Zimri
1-26-06
So what are you in here for?
...
Man rape?
...
Is it man rape?
WAH! YES!

 

by Zimri
1-28-06
There's that moment when drinking where everything makes sense.
I know, man!
The golden moment where possibilites seem infinite and the sky is the limit.
Hardcore!
That moment where you're making out with a fat chick with a mohawk.
...

 

by Zimri
1-30-06
I have subscriptions to lots of magazines.
Kanye West has recently graced the cover of Entertainment Weekly and Rolling Stone, hailed as music's genius.
Damnit...I've been bashing Bush for years and all I have is those pictures I took with your mother and I.

 

by Zimri
2-06-06
I still don't like you.
Crap!

 

by Zimri
2-08-06
So I'm on this new diet that consists of only tuna.
My mom hates it--she can't stand the sight, smell, or taste of tuna.
I'm the same way with Puerto Ricans.

 

by Zimri
2-17-06
You're starting to get more recognition on the site.
Yeah...it makes me a bit uncomfortable, actually. I've got to be funnier now.
Yeah, no more half-ass comics just for filler.
And also no more hookers with visible sores and gimpy limbs.

 

by Zimri
2-19-06
That looks good...
Is it good?
Yes.
You going to eat all that?
Yes.

 

by Zimri
2-19-06
So, how you doing?
Actually, Tedi, I'm drunk and trying to fall asleep.
Oh, is that so?
Yes.
So what's up?

 

by Zimri
2-19-06
So you don't get offended easily, right?
No, I don't, when it comes to most things.
And you're really shy and introspective, right?
Yes.
Is that because you were molested as a kid?

 

by Zimri
2-19-06
So what did you do today?
Woke up, read the paper, washed the car, took in most of an old John Wayne movi---
YEAH, I got up and showered, then I didn't know what to get dressed in because it was time to do my clothes, you know?
Yes.
Then I finally decided on my LaSalle sweater and football jacket...

 

by Zimri
2-23-06
IRAQ HAD WMDS!
Bush is still a lousy president.
...fuck!

 

'Bout time to go hit that dusty trail...
I was about to hit that old rusty trombone
by Zimri, 2-23-06

 

by Zimri
2-25-06
So who do you want to run for president in 2008 for the Republicans?
BUSH!
...you're a close-minded idiot.
...any punchline?
Nope. Oh, wait, I've got one: you suck.
Tough but fair.

 

by Zimri
2-25-06
John Leguizamo is a lot like a good video game.
They're both entertaining, fun to be around, and I want them both to put it in my dumper.

 

by Zimri
2-28-06
So, we have a deal?
Yes.
You go and trash Alcoac in your comics.
And I'll rape his dog.
Groovy!

 

by Zimri
2-28-06
How did your job interview go?
Pretty good considering I drank an entire bottle of wine the night before.
Dude, you've got to stop going to job interviews drunk. Do you remember what happened last time?
...no.
That's because you were wasted!
And how...

 

by Zimri
3-02-06
You know, us Repuclians really think that Michael Moore is a manipulative douche bag.
I agree.
How can we tell the rest of the world this?
Hmmm...
...despite raising many valid objections to liberal film maker Michael Moore, Republicans are also retaliating by calling him "fat".
Brilliant strategy...really makes them look intelligent and moral.

Showing page 6.

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