All comics by cpausti

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by cpausti
3-28-06
Why can't we get laid?
I don't know.
Wanna play a game?
I just beat pocket pool.
Again?

 

by cpausti
3-30-06
Guess which hand they're in!!!!
I fuckin' hate this shit. Left.
NOPE!!!!
Right.
NOPE!!!!!!!
If my keys are in your ass we're over.

 

by cpausti
3-31-06
I really need to learn how to drive.
Don't worry, driving is easy.
It's basically operating an extremely heavy machine while making decisions as fast as you can so you don't die.
Nothing to worry about.

 

When you get old, it is kind of like growing back down, except in the end you don't re-enter a vagina, you poop your pants a lot and die. Although, I bet I could fit inside a 90-year-old vagina.
by cpausti, 4-12-06

 

by cpausti
5-08-06
The view is pretty nice from up here.
Sure is, honey.
Did you just call me honey?
Uhh, no?
I need to break this silence before it gets any more awkwa-
I want to get tantric on you.

 

by cpausti
5-08-06
Mr. Bryant! May I have one question?
Sure, whatever.
Do you find it ironic that you got raped Saturday night?
...
I mean, Nash was all over you Lakers like a 4 million dollar ring on your wife's finger.

 

by cpausti
7-01-06
Mom, can we talk about me getting a car soon?
Depends... do you want to talk about it soon, or actually get the car soon?
What the FUCK do you think?
I heard that.

 

by cpausti
7-01-06
So, Dad says I'm a good driver. I guess you wouldn't know since you won't give me a chance.
I told you, your father will teach you and ride with you.
Why not you... ever?
He's older. Closer to death.

 

by cpausti
7-01-06
How can you say he's a good driver?!?
He is.
We almost DIED.
He changed lanes and you jumped out of the window.

 

by cpausti
7-01-06
Finally! A car! Thanks so much!
I WANT YOU TO GET AT LEAST 100 YARDS AWAY FROM THE APARTMENT BEFORE DRIVING.
That's... not possible.
FIGURE IT OUT. Ooooh and could you pick me up some coffee on your way home?

 

by cpausti
8-15-06
Cpausti! Where have you been? Why are your new comics so unfunny?
I have seen the place you have nightmares about as a child. I have been somewhere so dark, so quiet... no laughter...
OMG you went to hell and back?
Nah, I got a job at NBC.
Daytime NBC.

 

by cpausti
9-05-06
The princess of Japan had a baby boy recently, who'll be the first male heir to the throne in over 40 years.
Looks like what they've been waiting for has been right under their noses all along... a little Kikkoman.

 

by cpausti
9-06-06
I have four sons. One lives in Chicago, one in Kansas City, one in Cleveland, and one in New York.
Wow.
I used to be a truck driver.

 

by cpausti
9-10-06
Yesterday, I made a big mistake and bought Ocean Breeze scented shampoo.
Little did I know I would smell like salty trash and oil.

 

by cpausti
10-16-06
Well son, we were close. But I guess I'll be saying what I say around this time every year.
What's that?
My team is 1 and 5.

 

by cpausti
10-19-06
I found a great job for you.
What is it?
Drive-thru Attendant.
That's sounds terrible.
Yeah, but think of it this way: your office has a window.

 

Um uh I want a little one of those guys there wait no hmm just a second gimme the alien OOH no wait the purple thing no um its the vroom car green looking thingy bracelets umm no, one tootsie roll.
You have 19,995 tickets left.
by cpausti, 11-26-06

 

Autistic: what ashamed parents call their retarded children.
by cpausti, 1-17-07

 

by cpausti
1-17-07
Hey Charlie! I got some "shit" for tonight!
suh-WEEEET.
Bust out the herb, baby.
Weed? I said shit! Pure shit! To wipe on each other! Foreplay!

 

by cpausti
5-07-07
C'mon Charlie, taking an AP class and not even signing up for the test is ridiculous. Colleges will know you just wanted the GPA bump.
That's not what I wanted. I wanted an in-depth history class, not one geared toward a test.
At least take the test! It will show me and colleges that you have some real ambition. And that's the only thing that counts in this world.
It's funny, hearing you talk of ambition like that.
Why?
You're a teacher.

 

by cpausti
12-17-08
I specifically asked for a derby.
If I go back empty handed, Rondell will slap me dead!
Not my problem, whore.

 

by cpausti
12-07-11
*cough* Ughum do you have any spare change?
Does not compute
*cough* *throat clear* Do-You-Have-Any-Spare-Change?
Does not FUCKING compute, BUDDY. Just one FUCKING day without--

 

by cpausti
12-19-11
How am I gonna get this bat out of my house?
I'M NOT JUST A BAT, DAD! GOD, I'M YOUR SON! SHOW ME SOME FUCKING LOVE!
I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU? AREN'T YOU DUE ON THE SET OF GOOD BURGER 2, BIG MAN?

 

by cpausti
2-06-12
That was one of the biggest days of the summer.
That day we separated the boys from the men.
Avoiding statutory rape was never fun. Sometimes we just had to do the right thing.

 

by cpausti
1-20-15
If there's a black entertainment channel, why isn't there a white entertainment channel?
There is. It's called CBS.

 

by cpausti
1-20-15
If there's a gay pride parade, why isn't there a straight pride parade?
There is. It's called the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

 

by cpausti
1-20-15
I'm getting fed up. It's hard for nice guys to get girls because women are dumb and only like assholes.
If that were true, you wouldn't be a virgin.

 

by cpausti
1-20-15
Transsexualism is intense.
I mean, I have nothing but respect for those people. Shit, you gotta be pretty sure of yourself to decide to get your dick removed.
I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I get nervous when the ATM asks if I'd like a receipt.

 

by cpausti
9-16-17
Nice! LuchaDora the Explorer is on!
I'M EITHER GONNA THROW YA THROUGH THIS WINDOW, OR I'M LEAVIN' YA OUT FRONT FOR THE GAAARRRRBAGE TRUCK!!
Why don't we ask our friends! What do you guys think I should do?

Showing page 6.

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