All comics by lima

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by lima
5-12-09
Greece is characterized by an extremely fragmented, rugged landscape hosting a great diversity of ecosystems and an outstanding biodiversity.
Almost 5% of its extensive coastline consists of ecologically sensitive wetlands. No wait... Hang on a second...
This is an article about my pants

 

by lima
5-13-09
Linguistics as a study endeavors to describe and explain the human faculty of language.
In ancient civilization, linguistic study was originally motivated by the correct description of classical liturgical language..
Wait...
Shouldn't I start with 'A' is for 'Apple' or some shit?

 

by lima
5-14-09
Fritz Pümpin (March 29, 1901 – July 5, 1972) was a Swiss painter and archaeologist.
Not a Nazi-porn magazine.
Thats $75,000 wasted.

 

by lima
5-15-09
Aleksandar Kristić (born 5 October, 1970 inValjevo) is a former pro-footballer. He played just once for his country, Yugoslavia, in 1992.
Wait, didn't Yugoslavia dissolve into civil war in 1992? It must have been right after that game...
Man he must feel guilty

 

by lima
5-16-09
Thanassis Giannakopoulos is a Greek businessman. He also owns football club Panathinaikos
People say he has the biggest chequebook in sport.
It has to be seven yards long to fit his fucking name on.

 

by lima
5-17-09
Jacksboro is the name of two places in the United States: Jacksboro Tennessee and Jacksboro Texas
This disambiguation page lists distinct geographical locations with the same name. If a link led you here, you may wish to change it to point directly to the intended article
I wish NASCAR fans would learn how to fucking internet

 

by lima
5-18-09
The Saint Lucia national rugby union team represents Saint Lucia in the sport of rugby union. Saint Lucia's first attempt to qualify for the Rugby World Cup ended in an 82-0 loss to Trinidad.
The Trinidad and Tobago national rugby union team represents Trinidad and Tobago in the sport of rugby union. They lost in their World Cup qualifier 65-6 against Chile
The Chile national rugby union team were knocked out of the same World Cup by Canada.
Canada
Saint Lucia's page should have an info box at the top.
'Carribean Spastics Association redirects here'

 

by lima
5-19-09
Biyomon is a Digimon creature from the Japanese Digimon media franchise
Biyomon's usual form is as a small, pink creature with a purple-tipped head, but when in danger can metamorphose into a much larger, ferocious beast with the capability to spit venom from her jaws.
They should really start checking cartoonists' CVs for the word 'Hentai'

 

by lima
5-19-09
Torrey DeVitto (born June 8, 1984) is an American actress and model.
I'm gonna stop there. With that name and description she's obviously a porn star. A porn star thats named herself after Danny DeVito.
So a stupid porn star. Most of them give themselves names like 'Jolie' or 'Carerre' to associate themselves with famous actresses and sex symbols.
She's chosen to conjure the image of a fat, balding, itallian taxi driver.
Hey wow, my first ever boner
Wait, what the shit?

 

by lima
5-19-09
Helmholtz-Gemeinschaft Deutscher Forschungszentren is the largest scientific research organisation in Germany
It has to be large to fit its fucking name on.
Its latest project causes de-ja vu in morons.

 

by lima
5-19-09
Zemły [ˈzɛmwɨ] is a village in the administrative district of Gmina Mokobody, within Siedlce County, Masovian Voivodeship, in east-central Poland.
Half of its population reside in small purpose-built appartment blocks, built by the Soviets in the late fifties to house local farmers.
The other half are in a pub in Chelmsford.

 

by lima
5-19-09
Mutualistas were community-based societies created by Mexican immigrants in the late 19th century United States.
The movement encouraged neighbours to look after one another's houses for each other while they were out.
Which I imagine meant the average Mexican was bringing freshly-stolen tequila back to a house robbed of shot-glasses.

 

by lima
5-22-09
You've been to Drumcree? Lovely isn't it? Shame about all those Orangemen though. Hah! You see parish church? The bridge over the river bann? The Diamond?
Aye, think so. Wasn't paying that much attention
You weren't thinking "This place is beautiful?"
Nah.
I was too busy marching.

 

by lima
5-23-09
North American area code 325 is a state of Texas telephone area code for numbers in the Abilene and San Angelo areas.
Amongst the places it serves are settlements called 'Bangs', 'Buffalo Gap', 'Wall', 'Early' and 'Miles'...
I didn't know they put phones in trailers now.

 

by lima
5-24-09
State Route 144 runs...
144?
That's gross.

 

by lima
5-25-09
I could serve you a Tennents lager but, really, you shouldn't bother. Its crap. Its weak. It only makes you think its getting you drunk. Its like a placebo.
...right
You're like a placebo
You come here five times a week but you never fucking work
The idea is to trick yourself. If you could do that while I go for my cig break that'd be great.

 

by lima
5-27-09
One cheese and ham panino, please
Panini with ham and cheese, no problem.
I think you'll find its 'panino'. In Italian its one panino, two panini.
...and in Britain its panini and paninis.
I believe we should have aspirations to...
I think you'll find its pronounced Ass-pee-rah-shee-ohnn...

 

by lima
5-27-09
Well yes the French pronounce it like that...
...so by your arguments, we should too.
But panini is Italian. It doesn't matter how we pronounce it in England
You mean Inglhittera
But England isn't Italian...
...and neither is this panini. You're ordering cheese on toast. We just call it a panini to get cunts like you to pay a fiver for it.

 

by lima
5-27-09
I didn't come here for a lecture about Entymology.
I should hope not, thats the study of insects.
I mean Etymology
...which you can't even spell.
'E'...
'Epilson'. Its Greek, but carry on..

 

by lima
5-28-09
The progressive rock group Rush listed Becker's Chocolate Milk in the "Special Thanks" section on many of their albums.
This is probably what caused Becker's Milk to go out of business. They folded in 2006
...citing moo-sical diferences

 

by lima
5-29-09
...loading...
The Manchester Small-Scale Experimental Machine (SSEM, built in 1948), was one of the world's first computers.
...loading...
It had eight different functions.

Wait. Eight functions? Eight?!
Welcome to JizzedAsianSluts.com
What were the other seven for?

 

by lima
5-30-09
Idlewild and Soak Zone is a family amusement park situated in Pennsylvania, United States.
Like Idlewild airport, it has recently been renamed in honour of John F. Kennedy
It's now called "Idlewild and Sniper Zone"

 

by lima
5-31-09
..and then he pushed me down into the gravel and put a handful of salt in my mouth
Well we're dusting for fingerprints now Miss Granite. What can you tell me about this assaulter?
He had this grey, rocky face. Sandy hair, gravelly voice
Sounds like a gritty customer...
CUT!
Look, when we said we wanted this crime thriller to be more gritty...

 

by lima
6-01-09
The U.S. government have tried many ways of weakening tropical cyclones, from towing icebergs under the storm in an attempt to cool it down..
.. to dispersing the clouds with nukes. Fucking cloud-nuking. Technically they're right. If there's one thing that'll nullify a tropical cyclone...
...Its nuclear winter

 

by lima
6-05-09
I'll be disappointed if the poem of Silvia's grave was just Here lies Silvia Plath / She wasn't killed by a baseball bat
May I remind you that Plath is one of the most beautiful, troubled and tragic figures in 20th century literature. I'll thank you not to make tasteless jokes at her grave.
Ted Hughes didn't give her nearly enough lovin'
So she went and put her head in an....
STOP IT

 

by lima
6-05-09
Ow Ouch Oof
Ouch Ough!
Oh for fuck sake
Is there anyone who doesn't know the five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique?

 

by lima
6-05-09
Mr. Smith? I'm from the council. You're unemployed and so you've been entered into the BNP's job-assignment program.
What? Work? I only voted for you to get rid of them pakis.
You read the newspaper this morning?
No. Bloody cornershop was closed.
...ah

 

by lima
6-05-09
You've been assigned a job at your local corner shop.
Your starting wage will be 2.50 per hour
Nah, I can get more than that on the Dole
...What Dole?

 

by lima
6-05-09
What do you mean "What Dole"? I don't have to work to earn momey!
You do now, sir. Since you voted to deport immigrants we have approximately six million unskilled job vacancies to fill.
Can't you get someone else to do it?
A large influx of Indian businessmen, for example?
Yeah, summin' like that

 

by lima
6-05-09
Sir, you voted to rid the country of 'Yids, Niggers, Spics, Pakis, Dykes, Fags, Camel Jockeys, Towelheads and Chinks'
Yeah well they needed gettin' rid of!
Well it leaves a bit of a hole in the work force, sir.
Well there can't have been that many darkies and whatnot in the town!
You live in Bradford

 

by lima
6-06-09
Scottish Socialist Party?, UK Independence Party? Nationalist Front? Jury team? I'd sooner die than vote for any of them.
They should reverse the voting process. I should be able to vote for the parties I don't want to get into power. So whoever got the least votes, wins.
It'd play havoc with the electorate but then, hey, how else can an anarchist vote?

 

by lima
6-07-09
Tomás de Torrejón y Velasco Sánchez was a Spanish composer. He's dead. Guess that means he's now a de-composer....
He died in 1728 in Lima. It's makes for a great anecdote.
Gives a new meaning to the question "What crawled up your arse and died?"

 

by lima
6-08-09
Come here Elsie! Come here Daisy! Come here Elsie! Come here Daisy! Come here Elsie! Come here Daisy!
Come here Elsie! Come here Daisy! Come here Elsie! Come here Daisy!
You'll be saying that 'til the cows come home.

 

by lima
6-09-09
♫ Wheeeere's youuur heeeaad aaaaat?♫
♫Where's your head at?! Where's your head at?!♫
What the hell is this?
You said you wanted your basement to be taller
Right...
So I bought Basement Jacks

 

by lima
6-10-09
I'm meeting this guy from Finland for lunch
Could be Risky
Why?
Its a common Finnish name
Does this fulfil my obligation to provide Finnish jokes for you this week?
Nope, Suomi one more

 

by lima
6-11-09
Some people use comics to peddle racist and homophobix views
But thats where I draw the line

 

by lima
6-12-09
I've been diagnosed with Narcolepsy
Meh
I won't lose any sleep over it

 

by lima
6-13-09
Whats the difference between a Sei Whale and an SUV full of American children?
One weighs 50 tons, can reach speeds of up to 50kmh, consumes 2000lb of food per day, communicates only in unintelligible whines and is currently being harpooned.
The other is a whale.

 

by lima
6-15-09
We're here again? Does every road lead to Rome?
Ah well. When in Rome, do as Romans do..
So how many Englishmen did you stab?

 

by lima
6-15-09
What? No! I didn't stab anyone. I just did my traditional Roman thing.
Which is?
I filled a small japanese car with wet sand.
You idiot!
Rome wasn't silt in a Daewoo!

 

by lima
6-16-09
I just got back from seeing "Red Cliff" at the cinema.
Its like fragments of Homer's Illiad being tossed to someone like John Woo to spit on and mould into some papier-mache version of Troy
Only literally.

 

by lima
6-17-09
How did your house calls go?
Alright. No-ones cheating their benefits, and I took a shit in a stairwell.
What?
Who do you write to if a member of the council shits in your stairwell?
Did Jeff from Sanitation put too much sugar in your coffee again?
What can I say, it gives me the shits

 

by lima
6-18-09
In mathematics, the Euclidean algorithm is an efficient method for computing the greatest common divisor (GCD), also known as the greatest common factor (GCF) or highest common factor (HCF)
The resulting number should be a straight integer (STI). If not, it may be wise to use some straighteners (GHD)
Straightness prevents your number being bent (HIV)

 

by lima
6-20-09
My Great Grandfather came up with the name 'Haemoglobyn'. My Grandfather studied it, and my father studied it.
And now I shall study Haemoglobyn.
I guess its in my blood

 

by lima
6-20-09
The Japanese say that Chinese languages sound like hollow balls rattling in a box. Apparently they hear English as a bag of angry snakes, and most German as a motorbike changing gears.
Austrian German, however, sounds different.
More like a pregnant girl wailing in a cellar.

 

by lima
6-21-09
If we explored Mars and found a Termite
It'd be a Marmite

 

by lima
6-22-09
My boyfriend can't remember having sex with me last night.
He's probably got Sexsomnia. Like sleepwalking only horizontally.
But he wasn't even horizontal. He was kind of upside down and moaning and thrusting his butt... erm..
Well well! I never knew he had it in him
and neither did he I expect

 

by lima
6-23-09
150 Slovaks have converted to Islam since the end of Communism in 1990. They missed a trick there.
They could have merged communism and Islam together. And to really piss Americans off they could easily take America's national anthem
"O say does that star-sickled hammer yet wave / O'er the state of the workers where women are slaves?"

 

by lima
6-24-09
So then this socialite Llama from La Paz comes up to me and he's all like...
Dude, you shouldn't mess with guys from La Paz
They have friends in high places

 

by lima
6-25-09
BAD news: Michael Jackson died today
Medics suggested he suffered a heart-attack whilst dancing. They blame it on the boogie.
He just can't, he just can't, he just can't regulate his beat.
So he was hit by *bum bum* he was struck by *bum* a car-diac arrest.
He was fifty years old. He is survived by his eight and twelve year old sons, ten year old daughter, and four year old nose.
Wait, with all that plastic, shouldn't we recycle him?

Showing page 6.

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