All comics by not_Scyess

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by not_Scyess
7-18-06
My god... some annoying n00b is posting annoying stuff into two or three threads on a message board I read!
Nothing for it... I must dedicate my life to reading these threads every two minutes and responding to let everyone else know how annoying they are in case they can't figure it out themselves.
Um, when's the last time you went outside?
I dunno. 2003? Stop asking me irrelevant questions when I'm trying to do something important.

 

by not_Scyess
8-16-06
tag, you're it!
i called no tagsies
give me all the money in the register!
i called no robsies
Everyone came to our party but Larry. Did you call him?
I called no Larries.

 

by not_Scyess
8-16-06
tag, you're it!
i called no tagsies
give me all the money in the register!
i called no robsies
Mr. President, yet another war is threatening to break out in the Middle East.
I called you in here to bring me some blow, you ass.

 

by not_Scyess
8-16-06
tag, you're it!
i called no tagsies
give me all the money in the register!
i called no robsies
Dammit. This has been happening to me since I was a kid.
So you gonna order or what?

 

by not_Scyess
8-18-06
Oh great swami, read my aura and tell me who I was in my past life.
You were Lenny Fblat, a semi-successful cost accountant for the dairy industry.
I was kind of hoping you'd tell me I was somebody famous or something.
That costs extra.

 

by not_Scyess
9-18-06
Mr. President, how will you proceed with Iran?
Well, you know, we gotta stick together with our European allies.
Are you saying that because you realize America can't actually kill the entire world, or because all your soldier are hopelessly stick in Iraq?
Well, those Iraqis, you know. They sure looked guilty of something.
What to you say to the notiion that you just like attacking brown people?
They look black if you squint enough.

 

by not_Scyess
11-17-06
September, every year
Our new account wants us to come up with an add campaign for this December.
I've got it!
We could write a bunch of ads starring -- are you ready for this -- Santa Claus!!!!!
My God, you're right! And it even coincides with Christmas! We'll corner the whole market!
January
I'm sorry, Larry. Who knew everyone else would have the same idea?
I thought for sure we could really set ourselves apart.

 

Yes, I realize I should've been more specific when I wrote, "...seeks thin, blue hammerhead," but...
by not_Scyess, 12-12-06

 

by not_Scyess
12-14-06
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
What are these Jews on about? The Holocaust never happened!
Oh, shit! We're being bombed back to the stone age!
You Americans will face International wrath for this assault on our soverign nation!
What are you on about? No assault ever happened.

 

Watch while I distract you from our confusing, half-assed plot with special effects!
Look! Even more special effects!!!
by not_Scyess, 12-14-06

 

Soon, Joseph, I will give birth to the son of god, and a new era will begin -- an era of not being able to find a parking spot at the mall in December.
Wait... Are you sure that's in the script?
by not_Scyess, 12-14-06

 
by not_Scyess, 12-14-06

 

Hi. I'm John Malcovich
by not_Scyess, 12-14-06

 

by not_Scyess
12-17-06
I love you, Maureen. You're the girl for me.
Oh, really?
Then why are you banging my sister?
Are you kidding? Because your sister is fucking hot, man! Duh.
Er, I was kidding...

 

by not_Scyess
12-19-06
I don't have a joke here. This situation is just kind of blowing my mind.
Mom?
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!

 

by not_Scyess
12-21-06
Well, Mrs. Claus, we sure did ship a lot of Spiderman 2 DVDs this Christmas.
psst... Santa... I just heard that as a joke some of the boys dumped the Spiderman 2 DVDs and sent copies of that one flick you starred in when you were broke a few years ago.
Oh. Wait... WHAT?!!? Oh, shit... this could be bad...
"Honey, you say you want what for Christmas next year?"
Three naughty elves and a bucket of reindeer poop!

 

by not_Scyess
12-21-06
They say every time life closes a door, Jesus opens a window.
That's beautiful father.
Actually, Jesus was always opening windows in life.
And why was that?
Man, onion filafel just does not agree with me.

 

by not_Scyess
12-22-06
I've had enough of your pasty ass on my territory, Channuka Harry. I'm'a take yo' ass down tonight.
Please, nigga. My homie Solstace Steve got my back, yo.
Yeah, muthafucka. I'm'a feed yo' yo' own shiznit, beeyach!
What the hell happened here?
It looks like it was some sort of battle of the holidays until Brotha Kwanza showed up with his posse and a gat.

 

by not_Scyess
1-10-07
Welcome to "Al's Amputations.
Just a haircut, please.
Ready for your anethesia?!
Hey... aren't you the guy on those "I can get anyone a kidney" commercials?

 

by not_Scyess
1-11-07
I like my men like I like my shish-kabobs.
Um, impaled on a stick?
Yes. Specifically my stick.
Also char-grilled at 350 for 12 minutes.
I was wondering why you brought that corpse in here.

 

Those pants make your ass look fat.
Dammit! That bitch lied to me!
by not_Scyess, 1-29-07

 

by not_Scyess
2-01-07
I'm going to fuck you 'til Kingdom come!
Oh, baby!
*unf unf unf* *SQUIRT* Aaahhhhh...
What? That's IT?
I don't know why she was so shocked. I gave her fair warning.
I really don't want to hear about your premature ejaculations, Kingdom.

 

by not_Scyess
2-07-07
Hey, Russ. What's your favorite Bushism?
Hm... that's a tough one...
But, hell. Call me old fashioned, but I'm going to go with a simple isoceles triangle.
Um, I was talking politics.
Really? You should get laid more often.

 

by not_Scyess
2-15-07
I like to play chess, but I have a hard time mating my opponent.
I used to have a hard time mating, too. I found it's much easier when you start with hogs.
What?
No one will play chess with me anymore.
Don't look at me. I'm tired of losing.

 

by not_Scyess
2-17-07
The university's new policy is to refer to all departments all by initials except for the last word.
What do you mean?
For example, Chemical Engineering will be CEngineering, and Women's Studies will be WStudies.
Okay. But WHY?
Just to piss off the Fine Arts department.
Rock on.

 

by not_Scyess
2-20-07
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

 

by not_Scyess
2-21-07
WHEN I AM PRESIDENT, I WILL KILL ALL HUMANS
YOU WILL BOW AT MY FEET, I WILL RULE YOU WITH AN IRON FIST. YOU WILL HAVE NO FREEDOM
I'm sorry. The Republican Party has already copyrighted our platform.
DAMN YOU, DICK CHENEY!

 

Amatuer.
by not_Scyess, 3-01-07

 

by not_Scyess
3-12-07
100 years ago
I can't believe they turned all those cotton fields into them newfangled stores! It's a durned cryin' shame, Effie.
Sure 'nuff, paw.
Today
I can't believe they're turning our beautiful old shopping district into a strip mall!
Yep. The world is sure going to hell fast, Rynold.
100 years from now
I can't believe they're ripping out our historic strip mall and replacing it with a bioproduct rehydration center.
That mall is the best thing ever to happen to this town. Why can't people leave things the way they are?

 

by not_Scyess
3-21-07
We meet at last. Prepare yourself for a defeat that will echo through --
...Wait!
What?
Whales!
I find the sighting of whales to be most romantic.
Let's make out.

 

by not_Scyess
3-21-07
FIRE!!!!!
What?
That wasn't quite the effect I was going for.
Where did the rest of the background go?

 

by not_Scyess
3-21-07
This darkness is wicked spooky!
Yeah.
You don't seem to be enjoying this Halloween party very much.
It might be more fun if you hadn't cut a large hole in my torso.
I told you! I need somewhere to keep my candy!
No no... it's not you. It's me.

 

by not_Scyess
4-04-07
Next!
*ahem* I WILL KILL ALL HU-MANS
Hey... Tobor? Is that you, Tobor? Oh my god! That's awesome! Say your line for me!
No! I'm not Tobor! I'm... Renaldo Jehosephat. Look, I'm here to try out for the Red Robot spot, okay?
Aw, c'mon! Say your're going to cornhole me! Raaaarrr!! Hehehe! Six years is way to short a time for that kind of brilliance to go stale!!
*sigh* Rar. Tobor will cornhole you.

 

by not_Scyess
6-19-07
See ya later, Lucille.
Hope to see you soon, big boy.
Ooooo... you're talking in that come-hither voice again.
That's right. Listen to me recite pi to a hundred decimal places. Three, one, four...
...and that's why I'm late.
Why don't you work unpaid overtime for a week, big boy...

 

by not_Scyess
6-27-07
Cumu on, yie stipod shot!
Hey, Ed. Is that you?
Eh, yoih, at os. Hiw'ro yeo duang, Stin?
I can't understand a word you're saying.
Sorry. You caught me in the middle of a vowel movement.
Remind me never to talk to you again.

 

by not_Scyess
9-10-07
Maybe we should do something funny?
What is it with you? It's not like we're living our lives in a big box on display for other people's amusement.

 

by not_Scyess
9-13-07
DESTROY THEM!
Well?
I'm wondering if a whatever-I-am should be worried about taking orders from a bench.

 

by not_Scyess
9-21-07
Rule #1 about Clown Club is: you do not talk about Clown Club.
Rule #2 is DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!
AND RULE #3 IS PUT ON SOME SKIN, ALREADY!!!!! Man this club sucks.

 

by not_Scyess
11-19-07
What Santa gets for Christmas
Ho...
...ho....
...ho!

 

by not_Scyess
1-13-08
I've almost completed my robot friend. All I need is some legs and eyes!
...and maybe some boobs. And a nice, warm, soft, wet cunt!
What I really need is a girlfriend. But this is easier.

 

by not_Scyess
1-31-08
Australia was originally populated by white people when England shipped all their criminals there.
So what? This is BORING!
I don't know what to do. He just won't study history.
Let me give it a try.
Son, I'm going to tell you about the world's biggest ever penal implant.
Oh, boy!

 

by not_Scyess
2-17-08
So is someone going to tell me where to put all this stuff we confiscated from the Chinese restaraunt?

 

Wow. These Ginsu knives are really pretty good.
by not_Scyess, 2-17-08

 

AH! You just spilled your chicken broth all over me!
Sorry. I was just shocked anyone would bother to make this comic.
by not_Scyess, 2-29-08

 

by not_Scyess
3-03-08
I can see you there.
No, you can't.
Then my secret is safe: that I like to swing my cane around like an epileptic ninja when I'm alone in a store.
Uh, well, I...
At least I was able to remain hidden.
Also, my cane has a lead core.

 

by not_Scyess
3-24-08
HEY!
Your memos suck, Bruce! Eat my whizz! Woo! It hurts so good!
You're sexy when you urinate on your co-workers. Let's fuck.
Oh, yeah! Let's go, sweetie!
...several weeks later.
Nice urine, Reggie. Looks like someone had some fun with that slut from accounting.
It burns so good...

 

by not_Scyess
4-04-08
Hey Dad, what's up?
I fell off the roof.
Have you had a little too much to drink?
This hurts like hell, so I think I probably haven't had enough to drink.
You want me to get a doctor?
If by "doctor" you mean more bourbon, then yes.

 

by not_Scyess
5-01-08
You know, sometimes I wonder... I mean, you basically seem like a nice guy, treat women with respect and all, but you never date...
Well, you know...
...the social anxiety and depression. And all that.
Well, you manage to talk to me all right...
I can talk to you because I know we're never going to have sex.

 

by not_Scyess
6-23-08
"Use a comma + a little conjunction (and, but, for, nor, yet, or, so) to connect two independent clauses."
"One of the most frequent errors in comma usage is the placement of a comma after a coordinating conjunction."
"It would be a rare event, indeed, that we need to follow a coordinating conjunction with a comma."
*fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap* *fap*

 

by not_Scyess
7-06-09
But Lord, you've got to let me in. I followed everything in the Catholic faith down to a T. In Nam I didn't join the other guys humping prostitues, not being able to use a condom and not wanting...
Dude...
...to bring an STD home to my wife. When I got home i found she had joined a commune and was fucking hippies. I had to divorce her. Also it wasn't suicide, the gun just went of when I was thinking...
Dude stop! It's all right. We treat all Catholics the same here. I'll have someone show you to you room.
Whew! What a relief!

Showing page 6.

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