All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

Hey, man! Long-time-no-see. How have you been?
Pretty good.
Weren't you supposed to call me? I thought we hit it off when we went out that time.
Something came up beyond my control.
What?
I met someone younger and better looking.

 

So I was watching HGTV the other day...
Oh, man, I LOVE HGTV! It gives me such a boner.
Straight guys don't watch home decorating shows. Isn't that a little gay?
No way. They always have women on there talking about their trim.

 

Dear Gay Dude, Is there some kind of formal conversation about who is going to pitch and who will catch or is there some form of telepathy involved, like ants have? Or do you just wing it?
Dear Deluded, while our mating rituals may seem arcane to the ininitiated, it's actually quite easy to figure out...
Especially in prison.

 

Dad, how do I avoid getting picked on when I start high school?
That's easy.
On the first day of school, find the quarterback, take him out, and make him your bitch.
I thought you told me it was wrong to use violence to solve problems.
Who said anything about getting into a fight?

 

Dear Fag, When I want to tell my friends how far I went with a woman, I can say i went to first base, second base, etc. Do guys have that?
Dear Shortstop, In a sport with pitchers, catchers, and balls...
who gives a fuck about bases?

 

It was nice seeing you again.
Same here--give your boyfriend your love for me.
Don't you mean I should give him your love?
If I thought he was interested, I'd do that myself.
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
If he ever comes waddling home late one night, at least you'll know where he's been.

 

What do you think I should get my friend's five year-old son for his birthday party.
Do they still make My Lil Pony?
Um...maybe a game would be better.
How about Mystery Date?
Do you have any idea what boys like to play with?
Of course, but he already has one of those.

 

I just got back from a trip to Hawaii with my friends and their family.
How was it?
All nightmare and drama, but I'll have you know it was the straight people and not me who caused it.
What happened?
Their daughter wanted to eat at Taco Bell and I just couldn't allow it.

 

If a really feminine gay man and a really butch lesbian were to meet, would they become hated enemies and battle to the death?
Dear Tastes- Like-Chicken, If I learned one thing in high school..
It's never fight anyone with a mullet.

 

Wow, he's pretty cute. Even though he's younger and much hotter than me, I could probably still get him.
Hey, look out the window.
What are you looking at?
Some guy's ego.

 

I'm...I'm about...I'm about...I'm GONNA...
WAIT!
AAAAAAAAAH.
Damnit. Can you turn on the light.
Whoa. Everything really does show under a black light.
I told you not in the face.

 

I think joining the military was a mistake for me.
I could have told you that.
Have you been in the Marines?
Sure.
When?
Lots of times.

 

My last boyfriend had the mouth of a sailor.
Oh, he swore a lot?
No, but he sure could suck dick.

 

Dear Fag, Why is today National Coming Out Day? Did some dude on Columbus' ship come out the day after they landed or something?
Dear Santa Maria, It makes perfect sense to have National Coming Out Day right after Columbus Day...
After all, in Spain, his name was Colon.

 

I'm moving to L.A. in January.
No...please don't.
You're not going to tell me that breaking up was the biggest mistake of your life and beg me to stay so we can get back together are you?
No.
Then why don't you want me to leave?
Because when I talk about my ex-boyfriend who lives in another town, it's gonna sound like I made you up.

 

Okay, before we get to work on that cavity, I'll give you some novacaine.
You're going to feel a tiny prick.
Wouldn't be the first time that accompanied a shot in the mouth.

 

Hey! How come you never called me back?
I'll just be honest--you aren't my type.
But we had sex on our first date.
Yeah, I don't like guys who do that.

 

Do you remember the time we went out?
Yes.
GREAT!
Is it?
I just wanted to say I thought you were a really nice guy.
Yeah, I'm trying to work on that.

 

Dear Fag, Did you ever have a teacher who touched you in a way that changed you forever?
Dear Nature vs Nurture,
Nah, I was born this way.

 

So I said to my company commander, "Whose cock do I have to suck to get out of going to Iraq?
What did he say?
Anyone's.

 

I can't believe George Takei is gay.
Yeah, I've known for years.
Did someone tell you?
No.
Then how did you know?
Let's just say where there's smoke, there's flaming.

 

I wish gay sex was as easy as straight sex.
What do you mean?
Well, I can't just roll over and ram it in like they can...there has to be condoms and you have to ease it in with generous amounts of lubrication.
Hmmm, I never thought of it that way.
I think I need more lube.
This is such a pain in the ass.

 

Trick or treat.
What are you supposed to be?
Faggoty Andy.

 

Trick or treat.
I suppose I'm a little of both.

 

Thank you for calling reservations, how may I help you.
Yes, I'd like to check in a day early.
That will be no problem, although I may need to put you in a room with two queens.
Is that okay?
Are they hot?

 

Mr. President, I don't understand why you're dropping your ban on gays in the military.
It's all part of my secret plan to thin out their herd.
Private Rainbow! We sent you out on the front lines unarmed. How in the hell did you take this bunker?
With the weapons and defense mechanisms all gays are born with, sir, my scathing wit and biting sarcasm.
OUTSTANDING!
This place needs some curtains or throw pillows or something.

 

Did you hear Subaru is running national TV ads with a gay theme?
Yeah.
It's about time a car company recognize what a valuable segment the gay market is to their industry.
As long as states continue to fight to prevent us from forming families, we'll have plenty of disposable income to spend on cars.
Would you ever be caught dead in a Subaru?
What do I look like? A lesbian?

 

You remind me of my friend's brother.
The chicks must be all over him.
Actually, he's a big fag.
Ow, I meant that as a compliment.

 

My love life sucks.
Mine too.
Blowjob in the parking lot?
Sure.

 

How do you know being gay is genetic and not a choice?
It's hard to explain, but I'll try.
I'm leaving tomorrow for a seven day trip.
If I had a choice, I wouldn't pack six pairs of shoes, but I can't help it.

 

Hedwig and the Angry Inch is the only musical I like.
That's just because it's gay.
Name a musical that isn't.

 

So you're my neighbor's hipster friend from Southern California, huh?
Yeah...why do you call me a hipster?
Fag is still an insult, right?
Yes.
Hipster.

 

This really is God's country.
You'd think the rent would be higher.
I'm just glad I can live in a place where good people live and act like moral Christians.
What do you do in Southern California?
I'm the sinner you love to hate.

 

Hey mom, do you remember when you used to catch me watching porn on cable late at night and yell at me?
Yes.
And how you used to search my bedroom and throw away the Playboy and Penthouse magazines I'd get from the kid next door?
Yes.
Do you ever wonder...
The therapist told me not to.

 

I'm mainly into bears.
What choice do you have, really?

 

Hey, there you are.
Were you waiting long?
A few minutes. Where were you?
In the John.
How much did he pay you?

 

Dad, the kids at school keep calling me a fag.
How can I make them stop?
Become a Catholic Priest.
Fuck that shit. Dad, I'm gay.

 

So you won't accept gay men who want to be priests anymore?
No.
What makes you think we want them?

 

So why are gay men incapable of becoming priests?
Because men who display homosexual tendencies are intrinsically disordered.
And what do you call a man who vows to live a life of celibacy?

 

To become a priest, a man can't "be a practicing homosexual or display deep-seated homosexual tendancies" What else?
He can't belong to the "so-called gay culture."
You know a lot of us dress up like you on Halloween.

 

What's the real reason behind this ban on gay priests?
While the church won't admit it, it's because of all the child sexual abuse scandals.
Don't you think you should just ban pedophiles?
What pedophiles?

 

We'll still ordain priests if they've been celibate for three years and their homosexuality was only a transitory problem.
What do you mean by transitory?
Often, men are tempted or confused, particularly when they're in an all-male environment.
Maybe you'd get less of that if you didn't call them seminaries.

 

I saw this gift buying guide for metrosexuals and I had half the stuff.
I think that means I have the taste of a gay guy acting like a straight guy acting like a gay guy.
And why neither side wants you.

 

Dear Fag, How can gay men profess to know when a woman is beautiful when they bat for the other team?
Dear Eye of the Beholder, I may be prefer men, but I have a little trick to help assess how attractive women are...
I start with ugly and work backwards.

 

Horny?
What guy isn't?
I'll take you back to my place where I'll worship your cock, drink up every last drop of cum, flip you over and lick your dirty asshole before I ram in my ten inch cock.
No thanks.
What's the matter, do you think I'm over-qualified for the job?
No, you simply don't fit in.

 

So I said, "He cheated on you, get over it honey."
"Get over it honey?"
Yeah.
When did you get so gay?
Two years ago today, when I met you.

 

Why are you so surprised that I remember the date we first met?
We broke up over a year ago, and we met two years ago.
If we had stayed together, what would you have done if I forgot that day?
I wouldn't have been surprised...
Give me some credit here.
...that I had to kill you.

 

Hey, you want some ecstasy?
I've never done it.
You should try it.
You know I'm gay.
What does that have to do with anything?
I don't need to take drugs to like house music or make out with guys.

 

Can we just be friends and forget about getting each other Christmas gifts this year?
Why?
You're impossible to shop for.
I am?
What do you get for the man who's had everyone?

 

Two things come from Texas...
Steers and queers.
Luckily for me, I have cowdar.
Mooooo-ewwww!

Showing page 7.

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