All comics by Porternotes

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by Porternotes
8-13-15
I've read some of your post-VeganDad work on strip creator.
What do you think?
They're um....
....GREAT, right?!
I scheduled an appointment for you.
Man, not again...

 

by Porternotes
8-13-15
I can't believe I got this promotion. I'm so excited.
Yes, Bill has seen your dedication in the office and specifically asked for you to be his administrative assistant.
What an honor.
I've got to return to H.R. He's ready for you now.
It would appear that I have an empty chair to fill.

 

by Porternotes
8-14-15
I traveled across the globe and climbed your mountain to ask you: What is the meaning of life?
Get over yourself.
That's it? Get over yourself?!
You asked, I told you: Get over yourself.
I get it! It's some kind of riddle.

 

by Porternotes
8-14-15
There's no riddle. It's simple. The meaning of life: Get over yourself.
Ok. This is a test. I see. You want me to stay here learn your ways. Then you'll tell me.
No need for that. Just repeat the mantra: Get over yourself.
So, I should serve you. Clean your cave. Cook your rice. Shave your head. Lay at your feet, then you'll tell me!
I don't think I could be more clear...
Do you have an extra robe around here?

 

by Porternotes
8-14-15
Young one...
You have come to me a year ago. You served me in every possible way. You labored on the mountain. You emulate me., but you are a failure.
Despite your best efforts, you could never understand even a slight percentage of what satori has bestowed upon my brain...
Get over yourself.

 

by Porternotes
8-14-15
I was in the grocery store earlier today, and I saw a mom with her son in the shopping cart. He was maybe 4 years old.
He asked for chocolate milk. She told him: "You're going to end up getting a fist sandwich!" A MOM! To her own child.
I've gotta get the fuck outta Wisconsin.

 

by Porternotes
8-17-15
When we was kids if we got all liquored up and passed out, Pa would send the dogs upstairs first thing in the morning to flush us outta bed.
You ever had a 200 lb. German Shepard licking your face when you're all hung over?
Well, I've been married twice.

 

by Porternotes
8-18-15
I have five cases of crab legs. I'm not asking, I'm telling you to take them from me.
What do I need with crab? How much?
For you, I have such a deal. $400 per case.
What?! At that price, take your case of crab legs and shove it up your ass!
I would, but I've already got a case of shrimp up there.

 

by Porternotes
8-19-15
It's been six long months with no one to talk to, but I finally made it to Mars. I guess it was preparation for the rest of my lonely life.
Hey, Dude.
Woah! A martian. Greetings. I'm the sole survivor of an expedition from Earth.
You must do the intergalactic handshake.
Yeah, about that... I won my seat on the space craft from a Facebook contest.
Intergalactic Handshake or I vaporize Earth.

 

by Porternotes
8-19-15
Look, if you vaporize Earth, you'll kill millions of innocent people.
hmmm...
It's not their fault that I don't know the intergalactic handshake.
Did I say handshake? I meant handJOB
You know, I'm never going back to Earth anyway...

 

by Porternotes
8-20-15
Give me the stuff.
No way, man.
Ok, what's your price?
It's not about money.
Great! Than give me the stuff.
I don't think you really want it.

 

by Porternotes
8-21-15
Give me the stuff.
No.
I'm not playing around with you.
Neither am I.
You can't handle the stuff.

 

by Porternotes
8-21-15
Listen. You are messing with the wrong guy. I could have you erased.
I could have your whole family disappear with one phone call.
Now give me the stuff.
Not gonna happen.

 

by Porternotes
8-21-15
You leave me no choice.
Do what you've gotta do.
Hand over the stuff.

 

by Porternotes
8-21-15
Look, Pal. This could go easy, or this could go hard. Just give me the stuff and nobody gets hurt.
If I wasn't going to give it to him, I'm definitely not going to give it to you.
oh, yeah?
If I go down. I'm taking it with me.
Jesus. Why do they always have to go the hard way.

 

by Porternotes
8-21-15
He's not giving up the stuff.
Ok. You know what to do.
If I do this, there's no coming back from it.
I know, but I've gotta have the stuff.
And my price doubles.
DOUBLE?!?!

 

by Porternotes
8-21-15
The Lord is my shepherd... I shall not want...
Jesus. Why do they always have to go the hard way.
Go get the stuff.

 

by Porternotes
8-21-15
Here's your money.
And here is the stuff.
Thank you. Now forget you know me.
A pleasure doing business with you. So... that stuff must be pretty valuable.
There's people on the other side of the world who are very interested in this stuff.
Even your used toilet paper is valuable when your last name is Kardashian.

 

by Porternotes
8-21-15
Well, that's it. A years' worth of comic strips.
Yeah... I can't believe you ended with a Kardashian joke.
It's a statement about the media's representation of entertainment.
I expected better. What are you going to do now?
Vegan Dad Comics on my own. Then the Vegan Dad Christmas Special. Then the Saturday morning cartoon. Then the CGI Vegan Dad movie.
It's going to have to be funny.

 

by Porternotes
9-05-15
Missed Connections: We were in the coffeeshop on Main Street...
Hey! This could be about me.
...You were in green. I was in a tank top and yoga pants...
I remember this girl! Hot as Hell!
...I smiled at you and you never took your eyes off of your phone. So I went outside and had sex with the first guy I saw. You blew it.
Dodged the ol' crazy skank bullet again.

 

by Porternotes
9-15-15
I need to create a comic about the Lord of the Rings.
Dude! I told you we should collaborate on your comics. You need me on this one. I'm part Hobbit.
On my mom's side.
Meet up with me after Elevenses and we'll brainstorm.

 

by Porternotes
9-24-15
Well, Barry, I've got good news and bad news.
What's the good news?
The cost of your medication is $750 per dose.
Oh my GOD! What's the bad news?
Without the medication, you'll die before you'd go broke paying for the pills.
If you gotta take it up the ass it might as well be from Martin Shkreli.

 

by Porternotes
9-28-15
There's another bill from the hospital.
I told them to submit it to the insurance.
I guess they did. The insurance company refuses to pay it.
What are we supposed to do about it?
Add it to the other bills in the pile?
We're taking a tip from Donald Trump. Bankruptcy, the new course for America.

 

by Porternotes
9-30-15
Why didn't one of us go to medical school?
My parents couldn't afford to put me through medical school.
My grades weren't good enough.
Yeah. We're just average people, I guess.
Can we at least PLAY doctor?
Let me get the rubber gloves.

 

by Porternotes
10-06-15
How come you don't suck my cock anymore?
The truth is, I never really liked it.
Well, I do things for you all the time I don't like to do.
Give me an example of anything you do for me that comes close to having a sweaty sticky slab of meat rammed half down your throat until you gag and nearly pass out.
...well I was going to say something funny about sitting through that Martha Stewart cooking show every afternoon....
Yeah, not even close.

 

by Porternotes
10-08-15
Today on Ragu's Kitchen we have a very special guest. Please welcome Padma Lakshmi
Thank you for having me, Ragu.
We're going to cooperate on a very special recipe, correct?
Yes. Padma's Stuffed Throat! ...wait, i think there's a typo on the teleprompter. That should be Stuffed Trout.
Sorry, we're going out live today, we're just going to have to roll with it.
The trout isn't the only thing fishy around here!

 

by Porternotes
10-10-15
Your stripcreator stuff has me concerned. You seem pretty fixated on oral sex, and you make it seem like you aren't getting any.
It's comedy. It's for laughs. A comic strip, remember?
Ok, well, maybe you should portray our sex life a little differently...
Maybe it would be a lot easier to portray it differently, if I was getting some.
...what?!
Wait, what? I was just agreeing with you.

 

by Porternotes
10-12-15
So, yeah... I'm only doing comics on SC that pertain to competitions and inside jokes now.
That seems kind of dull.
I'm using other areas for my creative outlets.
And how is that working out for you?
... I'm so lonely!
He's breaking!

 

by Porternotes
10-13-15
Oh Monkey, I hope these days will never end.
Shit, girl. I'm not going anywhere. Let's get down to business.
I mean it. I don't want to live any other way. I want to stay here in your arms forever.
Sure thing, baby. Come over here and let me groom you.
You make me laugh.
We'll see who's laughing when I'm riding that ass.

 

by Porternotes
10-16-15
I need a vacation.
Let's get outta here.
Who's going to take care of the house and the kids while we're gone?
The kids are old enough. The bills will still be here, let's split.
I'm too damned responsible.
There'll be time to run away when we're in our 80's, right?

 

by Porternotes
10-21-15
Barry, there's a... "Jack" here to see you?
Shit... send him in.
I wish I knew how to quit you.
How the hell did you get untied?

 

by Porternotes
11-12-15
3am
What are you still doing up? Who are you texting?
Huh? oh, nobody...
It's not nobody. Let me see. It's a photo message from Colin Powell.
Look I can explain.
From Colin: Ever seen one like this?

 

by Porternotes
11-13-15
Hey! Maritza in purchasing says you've been talking shit about my productivity.
Why would I need to say anything. Your numbers speak for themselves.
I need this job to support my family. If you don't shut your mouth, fatboy, I'll shut it for you.
I think we all know where this is headed.
.........................................................................................................................................................................................
Thank you, Scott Walker for ending the waiting period on handgun purchases in Wisconsin. My ass will be kicked no more.
Huh? Yeah, whatever. I'm still a potential Vice Presidential candidate, right?

 

by Porternotes
11-13-15
In 2009 Former Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle secured over $800,000,000 to secure high-speed rail from Chicago through Milwaukee and Madison to Minneapolis.
For those of you not in the Midwest, that's a HUGE opportunity for jobs and tourism throughout the entire state of Wisconsin.
2010 - Scott Walker's first act as Governor of Wisconsin
Thanks, but no thanks. Wisconsin doesn't need your train.
No skin off our nose. By the way, you're on the hook for breach of contract with us. PLUS you owe the Federal Gov. $118,000,000 for backing out.
2015 upon returning to Wisconsin after his unsuccessful run for the GOP presidential nomination
Fellow Wisconsin citizens. I need to borrow $350,000,000 to finish DOT road projects that we have half completed throughout the state.
Is it possible to run YOU out on a rail?

 

by Porternotes
11-23-15
25 years in the ring, Undertaker. What an accomplishment.
Thank you, Mean Gene.
Is there anything you haven't done yet?
Yes, there's one competitor I want to meet in the ring.
ragu4u... I'm coming for you... you're gonna CRY like a little girl!
I think I soiled myself.

 

by Porternotes
11-25-15
ragu4u... I'm coming for you... you're gonna CRY like a little girl!
wow....
I was just watching wrestling and The Undertaker just challenged one of the comic stip guys to a fight.
Really?!
Yeah, I couldn't believe it myself. Who knew ragu4u could even fight.
No, I mean Really, you were watching wrestling? Who watches that crap anymore?

 

by Porternotes
12-07-15
In politics, The twitterverse erupted today when The Queen spoke out about class relations regarding the impoverished.
Her Royal Highness responded on her twitter page tweeting simply: Let them eat shit.
The Hacktivist group, Anonymous, vowed in a public statement they will shut down The Queen's twitter account.
The general public responded with memes of Her Majesty with Grumpy Cat.
American Facebook users sympathetically changed their profile photos to include the colors of the French Flag.
Tell us what you think. Join the conversation on our Facebook page. Hashtag AntoinetteApathy

 

by Porternotes
12-29-15
Hey, Raggy Ol' boy. I just wanted to go on record as saying I'm glad we never actually met up in the ring.
Me too. It would've been quite embarrassing.
Yeah, It's not cool to be put on the spot and fight when you're not fully prepared.
You weren't prepared?
Well, it's not like you see on tv. I mean a lot of those matches take place in a studio and they're choreographed.
So I COULD kick your ass, eh?

 

by Porternotes
12-31-15
...so, I want everyone to take their best shot and tear me down!
I dunno... It seems kinda icky... but alright, if it's what you really want.
I DO! Hang on, let me get ready, I've got just the outfit.
Ok, tell me how badly I suck!
I'm outta here.

 

by Porternotes
1-04-16
ping
Well, I gotta say it's been kind of quiet since I cut back on my StripCreator posts.
PING!
I do miss the camaraderie...
WANG!
... and dick jokes.

 

by Porternotes
1-04-16
Well, what would it hurt to check on the gang at SC
bleep
What's this? Someone made a vegan comic, that used to be my thing.
bloop
Hmmm... well, it wasn't that funny... WAIT that means it's just like one of mine!
blurp

 

by Porternotes
1-07-16
I say, I'm feeling a bit saucy this evening perhaps we should come together in a knowing way.
What's this all about?
I looked up sex positions in the Urbane Dictionary.

 

by Porternotes
1-12-16
So, to change things up I found a position for us to try on the Urban Dictionary.
OK! What do I do...
Get on down there big fella...
20 minutes later
So, that was the "68"... You do me and I owe you one.

 

by Porternotes
1-14-16
Mr. 4u, we have a lot of script submissions from men your age. I just have to say, not every life makes for an interesting life story.
Did you read the whole script? Did you get to the part where I wrestled the Undertaker?
Yes, yes we did. It's anecdotal at best.
The match was in Mexico, but guaranteed it DID happen. There's video on YouTube. It's the real thing.
Actually, I watched the video and the best I can say is perhaps you can contact Tosh.o...
Tosh.o?!? Let me show you a little something I learned 'South of the Border'.

 

by Porternotes
1-19-16
WE JUST SELL COFFEE. I know what they say about us in town, but we don't deal weed on the side.
Yeah, I know. But out of curiosity, for a long-time customer and a friend.. IF you had weed...
I'm telling you, I don't. I'm not risking jail for you or anyone. This town's too small to try anything sketchy.
I get you...
No such luck, man.
I really need to start hanging out with smarter people.

 

by Porternotes
2-03-16
Hey... you look familiar.
I've been coming to this park as long as I can remember. Maybe you've seen me here.
This is my first time here since placement in my new home.
That's cool. Let me show you around. Most of us run the perimeter of this grass area. There's a tree over there where the bitches squat, it smells great!
What about shitting? I kinda like to drop a log whenever the urge strikes me.
Yeah, it's cool. Shit where you want. The humans pick it up and put it in little baggies. Weird species, them.

 

by Porternotes
2-22-16
... so that's why men have nipples.
Groovy!
Anything else you'd like to know?
Yeah, man. What's the deal with the platypus?
Oh, shit, I was so fucking high that day...
I knew it.

 

by Porternotes
3-03-16
Kind of a nice place...
Woah! You're a dog!
What gave it away, Einstein?
I just didn't know they let dogs in here.
Fuck, yeah! I was humpin' your mama's leg in the champagne room just last night.

 

by Porternotes
3-03-16
Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it.
It's ok. I'm used to the whole segregation thing. I guess I'm kinda edgy too.
Let's just have a drink and shake on it.
Ok, sounds good. I just... what the HELL?!
Gimmie Paw! Gimmie Paw!
You speciesist motherfucker...

 

by Porternotes
3-03-16
Ok, ok. I'm just joking around.
Dog lives matter, dick!
I get you, really. I'm just kidding. I'll get you that drink, what do you want?
Alright, but I don't really appreciate your humor. Buy me a beer, I'm a heineken dog.
Bottle or can? Or in a bowl on the floor?
That does it!

Showing page 7.

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