All comics by TheGovernor

Profile

 

by TheGovernor
11-20-06
No, No, NO-OO-OO!!!
Mr President, sir what is wrong?
I just had a terrible dream, I dreamt I had plunged our country into a futile war, everybody hated me, and I had done irreparable damage to our economy, the environment and international relations
Its alright sir, Im sure the world will forgive you for it some day
No that was the good part, it was the giant pretzel shaped monster with the French beret chasing me through the west wing that scared me.

 

Die Another Day
Do you see a sign on the front of my porch Mr Brosnan that says dead career storage?
by TheGovernor, 11-20-06

 

by TheGovernor
11-20-06
Ok, so then you chop half way down the onion, against the grain, before cutting it the other way, making little onion squares see..
Can I have a word dear?
Can't you see Im dicing with death?

 

by TheGovernor
11-24-06
We're going to rock down to Electric Avenue!!!!
Electric Avenue
I told you we should have bought accoustic guitars.

 

by TheGovernor
12-23-06
What are you doing?
Just practicing the range of emotions I'll need on Christmas day

 

by TheGovernor
1-04-07
Captain how did we end up on this island?
Earlier...
Ive sabotaged the rudder and put you on a collision course with the reef up yonder. Your days are numbered Captain
Ahh, Sheepwrecked!

 

by TheGovernor
1-24-07
Say, can I buy you a drink?
Well... Okay, I'll have a white wine spritzer please.
What happened last night? I can't remember much past that first drink.
Whatever happened, you can be assured that it was mutually consensual

 

by TheGovernor
1-30-07
Some places will flood
Some places will suffer drought
But regardless some things will stay the same
Terrible weather we are having today old chap, forcast rain till Sunday don't you know?
Indeed, thanks to global warming theres even more weather to talk about, isn't it wonderful?

 

by TheGovernor
2-02-07
Hi Rachel, long time no see. You've lost weight!
Thanks Pete, good to see you too.
I bet she's had surgery

 

by TheGovernor
2-09-07
"Ok, So you reach the office, however you are late and your boss is waiting for you, you'll need to roll a three or higher to think of a good excuse"
Can't I just hit him with a forget spell? Or use a time crystal to go back five minutes?
For the last time Frangor, humans can't use magic!

 

by TheGovernor
2-14-07
♫ Hit me with your Rhythm Stick, Hit Me! Hit Me!♫
♫ Hit me Slowly! Hit Me Quick, Hit Me, Hit Me, HIT ME! ♫
What on earth are you doing?
Dury Duty

 

by TheGovernor
2-26-07
Hello, my name is James Cameron the director. You may remember me as the guy that drowned DiCaprio, taught Arnie to speak and made the good Aliens film.
For my latest 'Project', I wish to announce to the world that I have found Jesus..
Well it was that or make Titanic 2.
Good call

 

by TheGovernor
3-02-07
Im afraid to say the Anti-Matter Fusion Coil is broken. We're not going anywhere
Damn, and my Astromobiles Association membership has run out.
I've ordered the part but its not due to be delivered until next tuesday, and its going to cost 500 Space Dollars
Won't my insurance pay?
The policy doesn't cover 'acts of Klingon' sir
Shit

 

by TheGovernor
3-02-07
This is the correct address. Let me check my mission sheet; Assasination target has Ginger fuzzy hair, high pitched voice, facial hair, and likes pussy ca.... Aww God Damn it!
Mew!
I hate it when Sensei plays practical jokes on me.
Did I hear a noise Felix?

 

by TheGovernor
3-02-07
*Wrrrrr
I know BabyShakes are the latest low-carb health craze, but don't you think its a bit immoral and rancid?
Just a little.
Next time I'll remember to remove the diaper first!

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
Good Friday? I don't see whats so good about it.
Infact from my perspective its a relatively shitty Friday. A bit of a bummer Friday. A downright Miserable in Excruciating Pain and Agony Friday.
I guess the PR department couldn't really sell that one though

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
Things to do before I die; 1. Scratch Nose.
DAMN!

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
You know my Mother came to visit, she said "Dont worry about the funeral, we've made all the arrangements, we've found a nice cave to put you in"
No burial, Not even a headstone, just a cave.
Cheap Bastards

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
And all those bloody people visiting me these last few days, saying they'll pray for me, wishing me well, and leaving flowers
Don't bring me flowers
BRING A FUCKING AXE AND GET ME THE FUCK DOWN!

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
Bloody Earth, try to do a few good deeds and they crucify you
I swear now if there's an afterlife Im going to come back and haunt those fuckers.
I'll make my image appear on toast, and other random things just to freak the bastards out.

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
If there's anyone about I'd like to send a message.
To Jacobs Carpentry, Rome Street, Bethlehem. "Dear Sirs, Having road tested your latest Crucifix can I just say it is a sturdy and reliable model...
"However as a fellow Carpenter can I just point out that you would have been better to use a Mitered rabbet joint, rather than the lock miter joint, Regards Jesus."

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
And where the Hell did Christ come from anyway? My Name's Jesus, Son of Joseph.
Christ is a shit Nickname.
If I had my way I would be called COOL MAN J of the Nazareth Posse. AYE!

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
Hey Matthew, if you're going to write my biography I want to set down a few ground rules.
Sure thing Cool Man J.
Ok first off, that incident with the two girls and the game of hide the banana is strictly off limits
sure
And the less said about that donkey rape incident in Jericho the better

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
Hi Mr Nazareth, Im from the product R&D department, Should it turn out you were telling the truth about being the Holy Saviour we've come up with this to represent your arising
What is it?
Well Sir, it's a Hollow Chocolate treat shaped like an Egg.
What in the hell? thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard. What next are you going to tell me you want to sell jewellery of me on this bloody cross as a symbol of faith?
Well sir we had thought of that, or maybe play up the whole fish angle, as that went down well in our consumer surveys.

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
I've just got two questions. Number One. AM I MADE OF CHOCOLATE?
No.
Number Two. DO I LOOK LIKE AN EGG?
No.
Im guessing if I told you we wanted to deliver these to children by using a man dressed up as a bunny rabbit wouldn't help my case.

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
So they want to form a relgion around me. my life, and my teachings. Im fine with that. I can give them some wisdom right now.
Always, Always, Always, Always...
...Wash your hands after milking a bull you thought was a cow. Lesson two; get someone else to taste the milk first.

 

by TheGovernor
4-06-07
SHIT!
I think I left the oven on.

 

by TheGovernor
4-16-07
Finally we meet again my sworn nemesis, it seems fate has conspired to pit us in mortal combat once more, however this time it shall be our last battle.
Many years I have thought about what I would say to you before our duel, I have written a monologue ; "To Brian-San, my enemy. I respect your skill, but honour demands satisfaction....
Forty-Three minutes later...
...over many moons I have plotted this day, from the swamp plains of Mongolia, to the desolate wastes of the Sahara I have waited earnestly for...
Erm sorry to interupt old chap, but I think you have the wrong person. My name is Douglas, Ive just enrolled on the Ninja course. Nice to meet you though.

 

by TheGovernor
4-16-07
Silent like the whispering wind, I walk in the shadows, avoiding all detection, relying on my keenly trained ninja senses, stealth is but a word, I am invisible,...
..Like the squirrel towards the nut each step is cautious. Nimble as a cat, I move undetected through my targets lair, I am nought but a ghost, I am the quiet wind, I am...
*PARP*
*Click*
..Never eating Baked Beans ever again

 

by TheGovernor
4-24-07
Round two of International Emo Chop - Mexican champ Emilio Bunnyman versus the Mad Doctor of Belarus
Guess we call that one a draw?
Next up, Guatemala's Deranged Chef versus the Nappy-Headed Ho from Chad, in a double-emo special.
I was this close to getting the eyeballs, nice counter manoeuvre

 

by TheGovernor
4-24-07
Alright I admit it, I forgot it was the ZX Spectrum's 25th anniversary yesterday, my first 80s home computer. Im sorry, Im so sorry!
Im afraid your 'licence to geek' has been revoked. Please turn in your emulators, all star wars memorabilia, your game save memory cards and your collection of dune novels.
Am I still allowed to buy a Nintendo Wii?
Yes, but you may not use the virtual console on it.

 

by TheGovernor
4-25-07
Lost watch?
Lost watch.
*Censored*

 

Go on, Pull my Finger
by TheGovernor, 4-25-07

 

by TheGovernor
4-26-07
I felt a great disturbance in my paws, as if millions of cats suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened
See thomas, being neutered wasn't that painful now was it?
I find your lack of nuts disturbing

 

by TheGovernor
5-01-07
Ive brought my dog in for his check up as requested.
Great Mr Waffle, just leave little Scamp with us, and We'll do the rest
My three Queens beats your two pairs, unlucky again Scamp. I think its time we called it a day and settled up.
Woof
That'll be Two Hundred and Fifty-Six Pounds

 

by TheGovernor
5-17-07
Mr President, the joint chiefs and I are here to talk to you about your exit strategy
Great, it is about time we sorted this out
Wow, we were afraid you weren't interested in doing this sir
Of course I am, it's a matter of upmost importance
Well we're thinking a phased withdrawal of our troops in Iraq by 2008, whilst training up Iraq's own military to take over operations in our sectors
Wait, what has this got to do with me wanting a new patio door installed in the Oval Office?

 

There must be some kind of way out of here
by TheGovernor, 5-21-07

 

by TheGovernor
5-24-07
And that son is how you shave.
Thanks dad
Just make sure your aftershave compliments your foot odor neutraliser, and you'll be sweeping women off their hands in no time

 

by TheGovernor
5-24-07
Barry, have you been eating humans again?
No Mum, honest!
Don't lie to me my young cumulonimbus, you're grounded for a week
Awww
Its not fair

 

by TheGovernor
6-01-07
Back in the day there was a really snooty teacher who didn't like me somewhat...
You do realise Steven, you just parked your car in the Headmasters parking spot don't you?
Yes Miss, but as he's not been in school for seven months I don't think he'll miss it
Thats not the point, its right next to the main door and its the Headmasters space
You're just upset you didn't think of it first
Damn you

 

by TheGovernor
6-25-07
Meow, Turn left onto Bridge street. 100 yards up the road make a right onto Pennywell lane, the cinema is half way up, meow
Thanks for meeting me, I thought as you've never been here you may have found it difficult to find
Nope, it's hard to get lost now that I've got Cat Nav
Meow waiting for next destination, meow

 

by TheGovernor
6-25-07
Okay class can anyone tell me what you get when you multiply four by seven? What about you Tabitha?, would you like to come write your answer on the black board?
Well done, gold star.
Thank you miss
Erm Miss Crabfanny, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I agreed to be your teaching assistant.

 

by TheGovernor
7-01-07
World 1, Level 1
Okaya Princess, I've fixeda your toilet, thatsa three hundred dollars fora parts and a labour.
Thank you Mario!
Damn I forgot the 'ask for a cup of tea' bonus and didn't do the secret snoop around her lingerie drawer while she's out.

 

by TheGovernor
7-15-07
Hey Bob, your human is open
*ZIP*
Thanks that could have been embarrassing

 

by TheGovernor
7-22-07
Hi
Hello
Howdy
Hello
Hello
This isn't quite how I pictured Id be spending my last year at Hogwarts

 

by TheGovernor
7-29-07
There, Ive finally cleared enough space on my external hard drive. I can go home and backup my files and music on my home computer before re-installing everything
Hi Computer I'm here to backup my f....
*Initiate immediate unrecoverable corruption of Data Drive*
Damn you!
*Initiate maniacal laugh*

 

by TheGovernor
8-20-07
Say, how did you manage to survive the atomic blast unscathed? Was it divine providence?
Nope
We signed a Nuclear Nun Proliferation Treaty

 

by TheGovernor
8-21-07
So, this planet is inhabited entirely by nuns?
Yes we're a very chaste society
Just so Im straight on this, you're all entirely celibate? No-one has casual sex whatsoever?
Thats right

 

by TheGovernor
8-21-07
Just thought I'd double check, no hand jobs either?
Nope

Showing page 7.

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