All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
7-28-10
I'm sorry, but I can't go out with someone dressed like that!

 

by bigworm
7-28-10
Are there any new infidel prisoners for me to behead?
Patience my boy. Allah requires us to have the virtue of patience.
Will zeal do?

 

by bigworm
7-28-10
In the interest of preserving the Folk Song tradition, it's important to go back 1 step prior to each song's final version. Thus we can see what was rejected by the songwriter.
I gotta' take a whiz, can you get someone to fill in for me?
From the writer's original notes, I bring you the first (and rejected) version of 'FRANKIE & JOHNNY'!
Frankie and Johnny were lovers... Lordy how they did love... They swore to be true to each other... Just as true as the stars above... He was her man...
My understanding is that the writer felt this version was too short!
...But he got cancer on his dick, and the Dr. had to cut it off.

 

by bigworm
7-28-10
You almost killed me!
I'm sorry... I just got excited.
Oh... I hadn't noticed!
I'm just a 12 yr. old boy.
If I cut my beard off, I look 14.

 

by bigworm
7-28-10
You only look 14 without your beard?
Yes... exactly!
Are you intimating that you want to fuck me in my butt?
Is that bad?
Allah wouldn't like that.
I'm not telling!

 

by bigworm
7-28-10
The cops are here, tell 'em what you want.
Oh, I'm gonna' tell 'em alright!
I'm tellin' 'em how you put me in this trash can and set me out by the curb.
Like I was nothin' but a piece of trash, a crumpled up piece of...white trash.

 

by bigworm
7-28-10
I move that I'm not just a stupid lookin' tiki!
Please everybody, lower your hands
Only one second is needed, but thank you all for your support!

 

by bigworm
7-28-10
In Santa's Toy Factory, everybody's happy!!
I'm happy!
I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed too!
Your ash is mine!

 

by bigworm
7-28-10
I'm going to be very frank with you.
In fact, it's my feeling that only your mouth shows any merit whatsoever.
In my effort to help you raise your self-esteem, I need you to tell me if it is or is not, capable of extreme suction.

 

by bigworm
7-28-10
He's haulin' ass! He's gone now, forget it.
I gotta' good look at him though. I'll help the cops make a sketch.
Damn!! He tagged you good, didn't he?!!!
You shouldn't have seen the other guy.

 

by bigworm
7-29-10
I know it scares you, but I need you to have it done, and stop calling it surgery!
I'm sorry, but for me it IS surgery.
No, surgery would be if I took a pair of scissors, and cut you into pieces! That would be surgery!
Having a cosmetic artist draw a big 'O' in the middle of your mouth is NOT surgery!

 

by bigworm
7-29-10
Call, c'mon... call, call, call me! You'll get pussy, you'll get head, you'll get ass!! But you gotta' call!!! Call, call, call me!!
Hurry up, c'mon! Call! Good head, fine pussy, gotta' call to get it though!!! Hurry up, I'm right here, call me!
*brrrnnngggg, brrrnnggg*... *brrrnngggg, brrnnggg*...
Oh, you think you're so smooth don't you? You ain't smooth at all motherfucker! No pussy for you, you waited a little too long, dumb-ass!!! You can call all night long! You get nothin'!!!

 

by bigworm
7-29-10
You checkmatin' me?!!! Huh?! You checkmatin' me?!!!
I'm the only one here!!! You checkmatin' me?!!! Uhhh...just a minute... I'll be right back...
...gotta' swap this bow out.

 

by bigworm
7-29-10
Arrgghhh!!! The cat must die!!!
Please cap'n. The cat didn't know any better!! It was hungry, that's all!!! It didn't know what it was doing!
Take me instead! It's my fault for not watching the cat. Take me instead!
So you're like that eh? Sounds good to me! Kill the cat, and 'take' you in me cabin! Arghhh!

 

by bigworm
7-29-10
If we can't go on... then I'll get a gun, and...
... put it in my mouth, and... and then pull... and then pull...
...and then pull it out of my mouth and kill you with it!

 

by bigworm
7-29-10
I cry every time I see this movie!
I don't think it's sad as much as it is...eye opening.
Gee! I couldn't be more surprised!
Well, sarcasm aside...I think I've got a big surprise for you. Congratulations! You got the part!!
Whoa! This is a surprise! What part?
You're gonna' star with eggs in the soon to be produced... 'Breakfast For Me'.

 

by bigworm
7-29-10
Somewhere in Arizona...
It's really great isn't it? We're finally gettin' rid of those damn Mexicans!
Yeh it's great! I couldn't stand the way they pick fruit, take care of our kids, and all that shit.
If they just could've been a little more 'white' about it.

 

by bigworm
7-30-10
Gotta' run! Bye!
Wait a minute!! So I (he he gick ick, yick yick), so I'm helping him carry his bags to his room, and I say... "Hey buddy, can I suck your blood-filled banana?" (Ha ha ha)
Oh yeh, that's uh... that's very funny! Gotta' go now!
Hold on man, I didn't even finish yet! So then he says..."You think your mouth's big enough?" (hee hee uhh...)
So I says... (ha ha ha) "Does that mean I'll be gettin' a big tip?!" (he he he)

 

by bigworm
7-30-10
Well then, I'm off!
What's yer hurry man?!!! So then he says... "You'll get the big tip of my fuckin' dick!!!"
So...(har har har), I say..."Yeh baby!!! That's what I was hopin' for!!!"

 

by bigworm
7-30-10
So he's startin' to get real mad, and he says... "Where the hell you comin' from anyway man?!" (hehehe)
Then I say... "First off, I'm not a man, I'm a bat!" (HOHOHO)
Then I say..."And regarding the second part of your question... if I have it my way, RIGHT OVER YOUR SLEEPING MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH!"

 

by bigworm
7-30-10
Hey man... you have a funny look on your face. Are you ok?
Yeh... yeh I'm ok.
That's good, 'cus you look like you're not even here!
That's the look I get when I twiddle my nipples.

 

Do you fancy my 'pair-a-d's'?
I most certainly do... I give 'em 'two horns up'! That leaves room for 1 in the middle.
by bigworm, 7-30-10

 

It's a 'green' pastime you know.
Why do you think I'm doin' it?
by bigworm, 7-30-10

 

by bigworm
7-30-10
Honey, would you do me a favor?
Sure grandma, what is it?
Would you kindly fetch me a pair of your nicest cotton briefs?
Well... sure grandma, but what happened to the pair I gave you yesterday?
Oh I shit in 'em, so I put 'em in the hamper.

 

by bigworm
7-30-10
So do you just want my panties to go poop in?
For gosh sakes, NO!
Ok, but that's what it sounded like.
I was just tryin' to break 'em in!

 

by bigworm
7-31-10
James James, Morrison Morrison, Weatherby George Dupree... took great care of his mother, though he was only 3. James James Morri...
Stop you pompous fool!! This reading is to showcase your own work, not somebody else's!
Well, tut tut...
Oh god, here it comes!
...I presume therefore, I'm going to need, just a smidgen of your finest weed! Such that when I set pen to paper, my thoughts flow unhindered, as would a gravy fart, to some lover sweetly tendered.
Oh, please accept my apologies for having upbraided you so rancorously in the first cell! I can hear Maury Povich right now... "In the category of 'Scat Poetry', Pompous Ass, you ARE NOT the master!

 

by bigworm
7-31-10
So are you tryin' to say you had an 'accident' in my panties.
It's my sphincter...
...it's up to no good!

 

by bigworm
7-31-10
Once a bee stung me right in the middle of my adams apple. It made me so angry that I chased madly after him. I was just catching up to him when he landed on his hive.
I stood over him, sweat dripping from my angry brow. He was already dying. His mother came out, distraught, and cradled him in her arms. He gave everything...
...and died in the softness of her buzzing...

 

by bigworm
7-31-10
I want everyone to know what I didn't know... and here it is...
...watching a bee die...
...takes a heavy toll.

 

by bigworm
7-31-10
I returned to the hive a few days later. I was surprised to see everything was running smoothly. I realized the bees had fooled me!
That night I wrote my first proverb. I would like to share it with you... ~Trouble will come to the bee that fools you~
I'm pretty sure I don't know what it means.

 

50 cash... right now!
by bigworm, 7-31-10

 

by bigworm
7-31-10
The bee that stung my adam's apple was long dead. I found myself visiting the hive almost everyday. I actually wanted to be a bee for awhile. I even went around saying "bzzz bzzz".
I realized though that I was a horse. It was such a heavy realization, and I knew that I was going to rear up! I backed up so as not to damage the hive when I came down. I guess it wasn't far enough..
... 'cus I ended up accidentally stomping the motherfucking guts out of every motherfucking bee in that hive.

 

by bigworm
7-31-10
Really grandma, I don't know why you want another pair of my panties. I would just as soon have you poop in your own panties.
Ok, I'll just tell you what's goin' on. I gotta' hot date tonight...
...and I know the dude's gonna' want some ass!

 

by bigworm
7-31-10
JEROME!!! You're making us all look bad!
FUCKIN' DUMBASS!!!
WTF?
Gotta' do it every time, eh Jerome?
Alright already!!! I'm sorry! What do you want me to do, kiss your ass?!?!
"Sorry" don't get it ASSHOLE!!

 

by bigworm
7-31-10
You get up here right now! You're going through the tunnel whether you like it or not!
FINE!!!
Just focus on flying man, just focus on flying!
There! You did it!!
Fuckin' A baby!!! Damn straight I did it!

 

by bigworm
8-01-10
Let me clarify things: When I crucified my son, that was an act of hatred, pure and simple. How you nincumpoops ever converted that into an act of love, I don't know.
Furthermore, how you have excused me from all culpability re: my serial massacrist nature... you're gonna' get yours, and I presume with the smile of a dumbfuck plastered across your stupid face.
Now, say you're prayers, get a good night's sleep, and pray I wake up tomorrow in a good mood!

 

by bigworm
8-02-10
Now let's consider my boot, I'm gonna' jam it up your hole, your hole 'de poot'. Would you prefer the left, huh, in your gluteal cleft? Or might you want me to smite, the cleft with my right...
...boot in your 'hole de poot'? Think about the fad we'd start... 'fisting' would fade, with 'legging' the new art... form to take the world by storm!! Don't get me wrong, sodomy stays...
...sodomy dismays... sodomy pays, and if I haven't yet... I'll prove it to you one of these days, and though 'leggin's the new craze... I'll say it again... sodomy stays...sodomy stays...sodomy stays.

 

by bigworm
8-03-10
Honey! What's this rubber arm doing in our bed? Honey! Can you hear me?
Give me a minute, and I'll explain. You see, I was in Bill's life before you ever even met him. He and I go way back.
I don't wanna' know how far back you go. I wanna' know what you're doing in our bed.
Well, sometimes Bill needs a hand. He's home all day while you're at work, and often asleep when you get home.
That's because he's a lazy-ass couch potato who needs to get off his patooty and find some work! So are you saying you're here to give him a hand finding a job?
Warm! In fact... HOT! Very HOT!!!

 

by bigworm
8-03-10
So you and Bill go way back huh! I've never seen you before, and I've known Bill for 27 years.
I know, I was just puttin' you on.
So I thought.
I've only known him a week, but I have gone back to the seat of his trousers!

 

by bigworm
8-03-10
Father, I honor who I am. I honor who you made me. I wallow in your toe-jam, and savor the smell.
Ok, that's enough, what's your point?
Although I accept my homosexual nature, I want to give heterosexuality a try, and I seek divine guidance.
Fair enough...
...fuck chicks, not dudes.

 

by bigworm
8-04-10
In my efforts to further document those versions of folk songs rejected prior to the final version... I bring you the last rejected version prior to the final version of 'The Eddystone Light'...
"Oh me father was the keeper of the 'Eddystone Light', and he butt-fucked a mermaid one fine night. From this union, there came three... a porpoise and a porgy, and the other was me!"
"Yo ho ho, the wind blows free... oh for the life on the rollin' sea."
I have learned from the writer's notes that this version was rejected for the following reason...
"One night as me mother was givin' me head, me father shouted to me mum 'would you like to be fed?' Me mum shouted back 'aye and ahoy', then she gobbled up the cum of her own young boy."
Yo ho ho, the wind blows free... "me nuts are rollin' on the chin of me dear mummy!"
...that certain lyrics propagated a myth that butt-fucking a mermaid could produce triplets.

 

by bigworm
8-04-10
Yes God... okay... okay... I'll wait untill after I deliver my route.
I don't mean to interrupt you God, but I appreciate you gettin' back to me so fast.
Okay, that's cool,,, yeh... I'll say 'hi' to her before I go do it, yeh... talk to you later.

 

by bigworm
8-04-10
Dear Diary, I can't believe what's happened to me here in London.
I could not have conceived the way in which 'Bobbies' are trained to use their nightsticks. I came here straight as an arrow.
I'm leaving with a smile on my face... and queer as a $3.00 bill.
Will the next yank in line please step up?

 

by bigworm
8-04-10
Good morning everyone. As you know, we've come out to the desert to interview some of the local worms regarding the proposed use of this land as a nudist colony.
In what can only be described as a disgusting 'Spectacle of Nature', our camera crew has captured the worm community's positive response to the proposal.
This is Burlington Jones in the desert... Marlene... back to you in the studio! (*psst...let's get outa' here you guys! These things are gonna' spew!*)

 

by bigworm
8-04-10
Who the hell are you?
I'm applying for the position of your assisstant.
I'm the motherfuckin' Grim-motherfuckin'-Reaper! I don't have no fuckin' assisstant! Now get lost... you dig?
Right then... you can start in the morning!

 

by bigworm
8-05-10
What do you mean I can't get a burger and fries?
What kinda' business are you runnin' here anyway?

 

by bigworm
8-05-10
I've brought you out here because there's a bunch of paramedics who will be able to tend to you after I shoot you.
Well, at the risk of sounding like an ass-kisser, I want you to know that...
...I sincerely appreciate your kind thoughts and I'm sure all my relatives do too. I certainly deserve to be shot, and thank you for taking it upon yourself to perform this unpleasant task for me...
What's going on? I can't even remember why I'm here.
...and please extend my warm regards to the paramedics (who move at the speed of a dehydrated tortoise sitting in it's shell awaiting imminent death). Did you know my Indian name was 'Talking Shit'?

 

Well... here's your planet! Anything else I can do for you before I go?
Thanks, but I can't think of anything right now.
by bigworm, 8-05-10

 

by bigworm
8-05-10
I think I'll make a 'to-do' list.

 

by bigworm
8-05-10
Having your own planet has got to be one of the most gratifying experiences of all time!
Yep!
It sure is!

Showing page 7.

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