All comics by choadwarrior

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by choadwarrior
9-06-03
Did you enjoy your lunch buffet?
The food was good, but overall, it was a rip-off.
Why do you say such a thing?
The buffet runs until 3:30, but you ran out of food at 2:00.
In India, that was all we could eat.

 

by choadwarrior
9-06-03
Hi, I'm selling candy to help keep kids like myself off the street.
Look, if I wanted to keep kids like you off the street...
I'd lure them into my basement with promises of video games and puppies.

 

by choadwarrior
9-08-03
So why are you switching salons?
I have no idea what those Vietnamese women who work there are saying, but I get the feeling they aren't very nice.
No wonder you never get laid, cowboy.
Just look at your nails.

 

by choadwarrior
9-10-03
Hey wanna check out my new Beetle?
I will later, I have to work out first.
Ha! Work out! HAAAAAA!
What's so funny about that?
I don't know...it's just funny.
As funny as you buying a car with a pink triangle decal on the rear window?

 

by choadwarrior
9-11-03
This day will always be associated with the tragic events of September 11th.
And I will mourn for America every year on this day.
You remember September 11th also happens to be my birthday, right grandma?
I know, dear, what were you thinking of?

 

by choadwarrior
9-11-03
Osama Bin Laden! At last I have found you and now I will make you pay for my suffering.
Were you injured or did you lose a family member in the attacks?
No.
Do you know any of the soldiers who were killed fighting in the war against terror?
No--you forever ruined my birthday.
I'm sorry, but I just wanted to impress Jody Foster.

 

by choadwarrior
9-12-03
John Ritter! At last you will pay for your depraved homosexual lifestyle.
I'm not gay--I just pretended to be a guy who pretended to be gay so he could live with three successive hot chicks and one bitch.
Your sissyboy mincing in front of the Ropers and Mr. Furley is well documented--pardon the pun, but your ass is mine!
I suppose you're going to try and convince me you didn't really shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

 

by choadwarrior
9-13-03
Your ex-boss said some pretty mean things about you in the office the other day.
GASP! What did he say?
First he said you wanted your old monitor back because you thought you'd get the picture of the cow on the desktop with it, then he said they could give you a mirror and you'd never notice.
So he thinks I'm fat and stupid?
Yeah, it's funny because it's true.

 

by choadwarrior
9-14-03
Hey, can I have a hit off your bottle? I am SO hungover.
It's 4:00 and you are still hungover?
Yeah, I drank so much last night that I was still drunk when I went to work.
Aren't you a school teacher?
Yeah--it's the first time I've ever done that. I feel SO guilty.
It'll be easier next time.

 

by choadwarrior
9-14-03
OH MY GOD! You greasy foriegner! Are you staring at my cooch?
Pardon my rude behaviour...
But your camel toe reminds me of home.

 

by choadwarrior
9-16-03
Accept me as your lord and I will deliver you from evil.
We light firecrackers to frighten off evil spirits.
Are you afraid of firecrackers?
No.
So what makes you think evil spirits would be afraid of firecrackers?
What makes you think they'd be afraid of a saviour-on-a-stick?

 

by choadwarrior
9-18-03
Damn, those creationists piss me off!
What did they do this time?
Some nuns had some kids on a field trip outside out habitat and they were saying God made them superior to us.
Sheesh.
So I flung my poo at them.
We're so evolved.

 

by choadwarrior
9-18-03
Welcome to McDonalds...may I take your order?
What's in the Big Breakfast?
About 74 grams of fat.
Mmmmmm!
Yeah, there's nothing like eclipsing your RDA of fat during your first meal of the day.

 

by choadwarrior
9-21-03
GAAAAAAAAAAACK. GAAAAAAAAAAAAK. GAAAAAAAAAAAAK.
GAAAAAAAAAAACK. GAAAAAAAAAAAAK. GAAAAAAAAAAAAK.
The worst part of licking pussy is hacking up a giant hairball.

 

by choadwarrior
9-22-03
I got my dick pierced the week before I turned 30.
Why did you do that?
So if I hated it, I could say I was in my twenties and didn't know better.
No, I mean, why did you even do it at all?
So when I write my name in the snow I could use the extra hole to underline it.

 

by choadwarrior
9-23-03
So what do you think of the trial so far?
Things seem to be going in our favour, but you really made my stomach turn in there.
At what point?
When you brought up that the plaintiff lost her virginity at age 12 and that she abused drugs and alcohol all through high school.
And that offended you?
I'm not sure, it's never happened before.

 

by choadwarrior
9-23-03
I can't remember if it's "Starve a cold, feed a fever," or "Feed a cold, starve a fever."
Which one do you have?
A cold.
Starve it!
I should have known better than to wonder "What Would Karen Carpenter Do?"

 

by choadwarrior
9-23-03
I'm sick.
You don't look sick to me. You look like some old dude.
I'm ill.
HA! You're like a regular gangsta rapper. What do they call you...MC Dockers?
I meant that I'm not feeling well.
Oh. Why didn't you say so?

 

by choadwarrior
9-23-03
I just got this tiny digital camera.
I thought it would be cool to have a little spy cam I that is smaller than the palm of my hand.
So far, I'm not happy with the pictures it takes...
It seems to capture only the ugly and stupid in people.
Plus it makes my cock look small.

 

by choadwarrior
9-25-03
Working late again?
Yeah, my wife complains that I'm a workaholic.
Have you always been this way?
No--When I was your age, I was the first guy out of the office. I couldn't wait to get home.
Are you saying that younger workers are less dedicated?
No, I'm saying that my wife got old, fat and ugly.

 

by choadwarrior
9-29-03
If you just wait one moment, I'll get your package.
GO, DOG!
The customs declaration says it's a "collector's bottle." What's inside?
A series of unlikely explanations.
Whatever...here you go.
MY PRECIOUS!

 

by choadwarrior
9-29-03
Dammit! I'm mad. You started without me!
I guess I'll go pour myself a drink.
When did you put up the wallpaper?
It was like that when I got here.

 

by choadwarrior
9-29-03
Your fish tank is like the Matrix. They just swim around and don't realize their entire world is just a reproduction of their natural environment.
This is so cool. I've been staring at it for like ten minutes.
It almost seems like we're inside.
Wo Nemo! Toss a lasso to me now!

 

by choadwarrior
9-29-03
I can't believe we drank that whole bottle of absinth.
Well, it was a small bottle.
How much did it cost again?
$92.00
So you probably won't be doing that again anytime soon.
Tuesday is payday!

 

by choadwarrior
10-01-03
¡Ay, el gerente del restaurante!
¿Leyó usted el signo en el cuarto de baño y recuerda de lavar las manos?
¿Las MANOS? ¡Ay dios mio, no!
¡Salga!
¿Querría usted lavarme otra vez?
Pinche mono.

 

by choadwarrior
10-02-03
I came by to tell you the handyman fixed your garbage disposal.
Thanks.
By the way, he said you were putting food down there. You really shouldn't do that.
Isn't that the purpose of a garbage disposal--to obliterate food before it goes down the drain?
I'm raising your rent.

 

by choadwarrior
10-03-03
I can't believe you just spent $168.44 on two small bottles of absinth. Is it really worth it?
I'm trying to find the elusive green fairy.
One bottle later...
Close, but you aren't green.
Two bottles later...
You're green, but you aren't a fairy.
Phew...my secret is safe.

 

by choadwarrior
10-08-03
All networks are predicting Arnold Schwartzenegger will be the next governor of California.
We'll now devote the next 9 hours to concession speeches from the 134 losing candidates.
Now I understand you are running neck-and-neck with Gary Coleman.
I got that many votes?
No, I was talking about your height.

 

by choadwarrior
10-08-03
Lt. Gov. Bustamante, why do you think you lost the governor's race to a movie star?
The voters failed to connect with my message that they were responsible for the government's mistakes.
You specifically proposed drastic tax increases and severe cuts in services so you could try to fix the problems you helped to create.
Yes, I called it "tough love."
I think you're confusing "tough love" with "enabling."
REALLY? Can we have another one of these do-over thingies?

 

by choadwarrior
10-09-03
When I was 38, I had my gall bladder removed; then they took out my appendix six months later.
Gawd...surgery scars and stretch marks.
Then last year they yanked out my ovaries and uterus.
Well, that explains it.
What?
Where you found all that room for your stomach.

 

by choadwarrior
10-12-03
Hey, you want to go to a party tonight?
I don't know, who will be there?
Just you and me.
I guess I'll harvest some corn for the holing, English.

 

by choadwarrior
10-12-03
BLARRRRRRRRRRRRG HRRRRRRRRRRARACK UUURRRRRGURGURGA
Hold up...I think Brian is feeding the wildlife.

 

by choadwarrior
10-12-03
This is spectacular.
I can't wait to see the bottom.
Pssst...over here!

 

by choadwarrior
10-12-03
Mary, I'd like you to be my wife, but I understand you have a special relationship with God.
It ain't like that.
He just my babydaddy.

 

by choadwarrior
10-15-03
I'm going to see Disney on Ice tonight...wanna go?
That really isn't my thing.
Do you think they'll show the whole body or just the head?

 

by choadwarrior
10-15-03
Steve Miller, has music trading hurt you?
Absolutely--I haven't seen any royalties on either of my greatest hits CD's in years.
Are you sure that is from music pirating?
I can't think of any other reason.
Well, it's 2003, don't you think every Steve Miller fan has either bought your greatest hits CD or died by now.

 

by choadwarrior
10-16-03
It's your secretary's birthday today.
Oh.
It's Secretary's Day today.
Oh.
That present on your desk is for Boss's Day
Oh.

 

by choadwarrior
10-17-03
Hey Eric, you want to go camping with us in the desert on Halloween?
Haven't we been through this before?
C'mon, it will be fun.
It's not so much that I hate being dirty, hungry, cold, and generally uncomfortable.
Then what is it?
YOU'LL hate it when I'm dirty, hungry, cold, and generally uncomfortable.

 

by choadwarrior
10-19-03
Is that a new shirt?
Yes.
Do you ever do anything remotely physical?
No, why?
Nike really needs to stop making XXL t-shirts.

 

by choadwarrior
10-19-03
I can't believe you finished your lunch before me. I mean, I know you eat fast, but jeez.
Eh.
Your food was even late this time, you didn't get it until 10 minutes after me, but you still managed to finish first.
It's quite simple really.
I haven't been able to get a word in edgewise for two years, so I just zone out and concentrate on eating.

 

by choadwarrior
10-20-03
Did you really lose 70 pounds?
Yes.
You must be really proud of that.
The happiest day of my life was when I got to take a new driver's licence photo.
I'll bet.
I never knew those pictures had backgrounds.

 

by choadwarrior
10-20-03
I'll never lose weight, this is just my body type.
Maybe if you watched what you eat, you might see some changes.
I do eat healthy--I had fish for lunch.
Yeah, but it was deep fried, you slathered it in tartar sauce, and you had sides of au gratin potatoes and cole slaw.
Fish and vegetables! You can't get a more balanced meal than that.
Did I mention that she's a registered dietician?

 

by choadwarrior
10-21-03
I decided if I'm ever going to lose weight, I'll have to get my stomach stapled.
Hey--Where are you going?
I need to call my stock broker and tell him to sell everything and put it into Bostich.

 

by choadwarrior
10-21-03
Are you done losing weight, or are you trying to lose more.
I'd like to get back down to my original weight.
What was that?
Eight pounds, six ounces.

 

by choadwarrior
10-21-03
How'd your date go?
It was okay, but she kept talking about that shortstop for the Yankees.
Jeter?
No, we just kissed.

 

by choadwarrior
10-23-03
Ha-HAAA! I heard you opening a bag of chips in your office, Mr. I-Don't-Eat-Junk-Food!
That was a CD I bought at lunch.
Oh.
Do you have any food?

 

by choadwarrior
10-23-03
I think we should have a recycling program in the office.
Sounds like a great idea.
So where do I start?
There's plenty of deadwood in Purchasing.

 

by choadwarrior
10-23-03
A little over a year ago...
I'm not supposed to say anything but the boss wants to promote you.
Around six months ago...
I heard when they promote you, you're going to get a $20,000 raise.
Lately...
Any day now!

 

by choadwarrior
10-24-03
We're glad you aren't the type to sue us over a silly little thing like a substantial retroactive raise.
I sue people on the District's behalf all the time--what makes you think I wouldn't sue the District in my own self-interest?
I just wanted to remind you that I think you're doing a great job.

 

by choadwarrior
10-24-03
I don't think I've ever seen a man wearing a beret outside of beatnik parodies.
It's all part of my new look--I turned metrosexual.
So you're one of those straight guys who pays attention to style and culture?
Sort of.
Wanna go have sex in my Metro?

Showing page 7.

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