All comics by israphael

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by israphael
10-13-02
Israphael is really busy, so Little Billy is filling in for him again.
So I told them, those turbans won't make gravy... um, gravi... gravitons by themselves.
I don't get it.
Yeah, grown-ups laugh at the weirdest shit.

 

by israphael
10-15-02
To be alive is to feel pain. I have no problem with that. -Spankling
So what do we have?
A young male murdered, in a kilt. It is obviously a case of a foreign tourist being singled out for mugging.
This isn't a simple mugging. The killer is cold and methodical. He even decided to kill on a rainy night, so that valuable evidence would be washed away.
Who the hell is that.
That's Frank Black, one the greatest criminal profilers ever. But just between you and me, he gives me the creeps.

 

by israphael
10-15-02
Frank, the killer left another clue. "Oatmeal, organs in a paunch, make for quite a lunch. After you eat me you will die. What in the world am I?"
Hold it, something is coming to me.
No... Stop... Just kill me now. Don't force me to eat Haggis. I hate Haggis.
Did you get something?
No not really... except a hankering for Scottish food.

 

by israphael
10-15-02
So what do we have?
A young male murdered, in a kilt. It is obviously a case of a foreign tourist being singled out for mugging.
This isn't a simple mugging. The killer is cold and methodical. He picked a rainy night to kill, so that evidence would be washed away.
Who the hell is that?
That's Frank Black, one the greatest criminal profilers ever. But just between you and me, he gives me the creeps.

 

by israphael
10-15-02
Give your self up, the police will be here in a few minutes.
By the time they arrive, I'll be long gone. And they'll the mighty Frank Black dead at the bottom of a rain soaked canyon.
That's not going to happen. You failed to account for one small detail.
Impossible. I anticipated every eventuality. What could I have not possibly forseen?
Flash flood.
AUUUUGH!

 

by israphael
10-18-02
The snow is really piling up outside. It's a good night to cuddle up with a movie, some popcorn, and cocoa with marshmallows.
What's with all the luggage and boxes?
*Honk* *Honk*
And why is there a taxi in the driveway?
You're not the sharpest tool in the shed, are ya?

 

by israphael
10-18-02
I think Hallmark said it best, "The hour is late, and I must fly, things have been great, but now it's time to say goodbye."
...
I'm leaving your sorry ass, ya moron!

 

by israphael
10-18-02
You're leaving me. After all we've been through... and all I've done for you?
For Crissakes, you delusional bastard, I'm a sock puppet. Take your medication and everything will be alright.
What will I do without you?
I don't know and I don't care. You'll make out somehow.
Look, about those things I said earlier, I'm sorry. How about I make it up to you over a movie, some popcorn, and cocoa with marshmallows.

 

by israphael
10-18-02
It was a ghastly night. A freezing rain was blowing in from the east. I was about to head off to bed when...
*Knock* *Knock*
I considered ignoring it. But then I thought of that poor soul stuck in the cold. I just had to them in.
But what I saw, when I opened the door, made my blood run cold.
Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior?

 

by israphael
10-18-02
He was like no man-of-God I'd ever met before.
You're out of beer again. And while you're at the store, get me cigarettes and a copy of "Barely Legal".
What he couldn't eat and drink, he stole. What he couldn't steal, he broke.
When the storm broke he was gone, leaving only a note.
Time is fleeting, I have to go. Although I'm gone don't be sad. There is one thing you oughta know. I killed your mom and screwed your dad.

 

by israphael
10-18-02
When ever the weather gets bad, I await a knock on my door.
*Knock* *Knock*
I hope to meet that wandering padre again.
Hi, would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?
Since then I have greeted 4 Mormons, 3 Girl Scouts, a Postal worker, and my ex-wife.

 

by israphael
10-19-02
What a glorious day! After two weeks of rain, the sun is out! Wake up sleepyhead! You're missing a beautiful morning!
Jeez, cut it back a notch. It's way too early for "insanely gleeful".
The day's too good to waste! Let's go bicycling!
Forget it. I'm going back to bed.
C'mon gumpy guts, it's sure to put a smile on your face!
Sorry, I don't do cheerful on days that end in "y".

 

by israphael
10-19-02
Winter has finally come to an end, to play in sun is what I like,
travelling down the road with my boyfriend, on my beautiful pink tandem bike. Tra la la la...
How come you're not singing?
I might if I could catch my breath. Try peddling for a change.

 

by israphael
10-19-02
It's been a wonderful day, hasn't it?
Gimme water. I'm dying here.
Oh please.
I'm serious! First you drag me out of bed, then you force me to peddle for miles, and now you won't give me a drop of water. C'mon, I'm wasting away here.
Whatever! C'mon, get up! I want to do some more!
Moh?

 

by israphael
10-21-02
So have you done what I've asked and prepared my way on earth?
Yes, my lord.
Did you talk to that Mary chick?
Yes, lord. When I told her that she was going to bear the messiah, she nearly shit herself.
Ha Ha, I bet she did. And you lined up that prophet... What's his name... Oh yeah, John the Baptist.
John?

 

by israphael
10-21-02
Joan! Joan the Baptist! For my sake, what were you thinking.
It was a honest mistake. Sometimes you mumble.
But a female prophet in such a male dominated culture? What makes you think they'll listen to her?
Well she wears ragged clothes and when she moves just right you can see her tits and her cootchie.
If these demographics weren't so good, you would be SO smited.

 

by israphael
10-21-02
The time of the messiah is at hand! Listen to my message and see some miracles! I can make a blind man see!
Yeah, but can you make a dead man cum?
Well can you?
Moh!

 

by israphael
10-25-02
Holy Shit!!!
Be not afraid, for I bring a message from God. You are blessed among women and shall bear him a son.
That's impossible.
Through God all things are possible.
No, what I mean is... I'm a guy.
Are you sure?

 

by israphael
10-25-02
What you inpregnated some man to be my mother!
It was a honest mistake. Your handwriting is terrible.
Look, I'm tired of this shit! I'm going to explain this one more time.
There are two types of humans, innies and outties.

 

by israphael
11-04-02
I think it's time to move.
Again?
Surely you've noticed. Ever since we moved to this neighborhood, this place has gone downhill.
It's a dump. And don't get me started about the filth and the smell. I just don't think I can stand it anymore.
You know, you could just clean the cat's box.

 

by israphael
11-04-02
Well, everything's ready to go.
What are you talking about? The kitchenware and cleaning supplies still need to be packed up.
I only wanted to move the important stuff.
Yeah, heaven forbid you'd do something feminine.
What are you talking about? Don't I give you the occasional blow job?

 

by israphael
11-04-02
We're here. Start unloading the truck while I take care of some business.
*Grumble* What will you be doing?
I'll be visiting the local restaurants and picking up take-out menus. You wanna eat, don't ya?
*SNAP*
What the hell did you break?
Nothing important... Just my spinal column.

 

by israphael
11-04-02
I have the feeling that forgot something important. The furniture, stereo system, and computer are all here. The cat's here.
OH NO! I COULDN'T HAVE...
What a relief, my vibrator's here. Still, I can't get rid of the feeling that I'm missing something important.
That's it. I'm giving her a couple of days, then I'm outta here.

 

by israphael
11-05-02
*DING DONG*
Man, I hope we get some good candy here.
Yeah, at the last place all I got was a rock.
TRICK OR TREAT!
Get off my porch, you dirty little scamps, before I call the police on you.
Man, that old man Kaufman sucks.
Yeah, almost as much as Wirthling.

 

by israphael
11-05-02
Man, I can't wait to see the look on old man Kaufman's face.
Yeah, the bucket over the door is a classic. Wait here, while I ring the doorbell.
*DING DONG*......
What the hell? I thought I told you kids- *KLUNK* *KLUNK* *KLUNK* *KLUNK* Ouch!
Shouldn't the bucket been filled with water?
That's so passe. Bricks are funnier.

 

by israphael
11-05-02
Hi Cindy! Would you like to come over to my place? I'll show you something I call the "Donkey Punch".
Not right now. Old man Kaufman is running around, pissed off, and beating people with a cat! I gotta go hide!
I'm sure you're exaggerating. That sounds nothing like him.
Hey bro, how's it hanging?
ARGH! NAMFUAK WILL PUSSYWHIP YOU NOW!

 

by israphael
11-07-02
Jael, what's with you these days? You seem to be in another world.
I'm in love. Kaufman came by my place and made hot passionate love to me. I found him to be a skilled and vigorous lover.
Kaufman... You mean the geek with the red hair and moustache... the one who's always carrying a cat?
Yeah, that's him.
That sounds nothing like him at all... not at all.

 

by israphael
11-10-02
Is it true? Is Old Man Kaufman's reign of terror truly over?
Yeah, the police apprehended him and placed him in the 'Institute for the Criminally Insane'.
The police? They ignored all the other times we complained about him. What changed their minds?
They were forced to act when he started making puns about golf.
Man, that's fucked up!
Yeah, Kaufman is one sick bastard.

 

by israphael
11-16-02
We can save some money, if we buy the uniforms from eBay. I figure we'll need to save money for weapons, bribes, and mountain dew.
Great thinking.
I put in our bids. We should have our uniforms in one to two weeks.
You da man!
Two weeks later...
What the... Sailor Moon costumes? Maybe I should have read the auction more carefully.
You suck.

 

by israphael
11-16-02
Let me get this straight... You guys want me to hack into the military database so that you can take over the world.
That's right. Will you do it.
I don't know if you're crazy or stoned. What do I get out it?
How about your own island, complete with cloned blonde sex kittens?
Right... I'll do it. But I definitely want some of whatever you guys are smoking.

 

by israphael
11-16-02
OK, the problem to breaking into the facility is the security system in the guard house. But how do we get passed the guards?
That anime gave me an idea. What if someone dresses up as Sailor Moon and seduces the guards. Then we disable the security system.
Great idea, given our available resources. But who can we get to dress up as a girl?
Why are you guys looking at me like that?

 

by israphael
11-17-02
This has to be the best World War I simulation I've ever seen.
Men, when I give the word, it's up and over, and a run of 50 yards to the Turkish lines. This for Queen and country! GO!
The way his head exploded when he took that head shot was a nice touch.
However, the Australian troups could use a little work.

 

by israphael
11-19-02
I warned those godless infidels what would happen if they didn't play my tape to the masses!
Now the blood of innocents will run in the streets!
Osama! Osama! They're playing it! They're really playing it. Allah be praised!
And now, Osama and the Martyrs singing "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini".
YEAH BABY!

 

by israphael
11-22-02

 

by israphael
11-22-02
I'm confused, why is 'pedophilia' a fetish for children and not feet? I thought 'ped' meant feet.
No, 'pod' means foot. A foot fetish would be 'podophilia'. A fetish for children's feet would then be 'pedo-podo-philia'.
So a fetish for the feet of a child who is the same sex would become 'homo-pedo-podo-philia'
How about a foot fetish for young same-sexed animals: 'bestio-homo-pedo-podo-philia'.
You're forgetting my favorite, dead animals. Try 'necro-bestio-homo-pedo-podo-philia'.
None of this is answering my question on how to delete comic strips.

 

by israphael
11-22-02
The snipers don't deserve a trial. I think they should be strung up from the highest tree and beaten with baseball bats like a pinata.
I see where you're coming from, but don't you think that's a little extreme?
Well why don't you just cry us a river, liberal!
If you were a patriotic American, you wouldn't have said that!
Go back to Iraq, ya fat commie fucknozzle!
Yeah, go back to playing with your Barbie dolls and leave the politics to us real men.

 

by israphael
11-22-02
Israphael has joined #stripcreator.
Hi guys!
Um... It's getting late. I have to go. [disconnect]
Me too. [disconnect]
Yeah, I gotta get some dinner in me, I'm hungry. Later. [disconnect]
Big day at work tomorrow, ttfn! [disconnect]
Dude, you suck. [disconnect]

 

by israphael
11-22-02
Israphael: Wow, you're a special kind of girl!
Annie-Mae: Aw, you're just saying that.
Israphael: No I mean it. How many girls really like anime and cycling. And that picture you sent me was hot!
Annie-Mae: You're sweet! :)
Israphael: I'd like to get to know you better.
I bet you would.

 

by israphael
11-22-02
Download 99% complete.
Almost done. Soon I'll finally get those naked pictures of Lara7 that I've heard so much about.
Download complete. Total download time: 1 hour 53 min.
Oh man, let's fire up this puppy and check out Lara's titties!
What the... it's just a picture of some naked bald guy doing a donkey.

 

by israphael
11-22-02
Brad told me that you came up with a new feature for Stripcreator, a safeword. How does that work?
Say you have a comic strip that is just not working for you. You say the safeword and the strip ends immediately.
I guess I understand. I'll have to see it being used before I can fully appreciate it. What is the safeword?
Bluebell.

 

by israphael
11-25-02
Aunt Jessie, will you play dress up with me?
Not right now. I have some work that has to get done. Maybe in an hour. Try and find something else to do.
*CREAK* *RATTLE* *RATTLE* *PLOP*
Somebody better not be messing with my sewing stuff or somebody will get a spanking!
Will you use the belt this time?
Not You!

 

by israphael
11-26-02
Hello Colin, what foul wind blew you in?
Oh it's you, Martin. I knew there was some reason for the sudden onset of nausea I was experiencing.
What's up with those two? Why are they always acting so cold to each other?
Oh, it happens a long time ago... Really ugly business that... They came to blows.
Yeah, what were they fighting about.
No, not that kind of blows, if you catch my drift.

 

by israphael
12-03-02
Hi, is this barstool taken?
What... No... Whatever.
Wow, you sound really down.
In my line of work, I see the worst side of man. It's hard not to become disillusioned and bitter. I've come to realize that man is an ugly, stupid, brutish piece of work.
So, what are you... a cop... a social worker... prosecuting attorney?
A stripper.

 

by israphael
12-05-02
I'm tired of being a nobody in this one horse town.
Yeah, it really sucks.
We need some plan for becoming rich and famous, then we can blow this pop stand..
What do you suggest?
How about taking over the world?
Tried that several times already. The plots never works and someone always ends up dressed like Sailor Moon.

 

by israphael
12-05-02
We need to think of a career that will make us rich and famous.
How about becoming rock stars. Think of all the money, fame, and groupies with really big titties.
That won't work. Neither of us know how to play a musical instrument.
Maybe politics then... we'll be knee deep in power, money, and hot sweaty interns.
I see a common thread here. I know the perfect career for us. Think, who gets a lot of tail?
Priests?

 

by israphael
12-05-02
So you boys want to become porn stars. Well I have one position for a porn star and another for a script writer. You two work it out.
So how are we going to decide who gets what job?
I know, we'll flip a coin. Heads I win, tails you lose.
Tails... Damn, I lost again.
(Dancing)

 

by israphael
12-05-02
So you're our new porn star.
Yeah... Where are all the babes?
Not so fast, Sparky! First we have to do a screen test. Go over there, drop your pants, and let's see what you got.
You got it boss!
Hmm... looks like we're going to need our biggest zoom lens for this one.

 

by israphael
12-05-02
For your first scene, don't try anything fancy. Just screw the girl and pull out and cum on her tits. OK?
Oh yeah... Oh Baby... OH Yesssss...
CUT!
So how was the money shot.
It was good. However, it's traditional to stick your dick in and fuck awhile before blowing your load on her.

 

by israphael
12-05-02
I know we had some difficulties, but I think I found the perfect type of scene for you. You'll be working with Leslie.
Leslie, sounds like one hot bitch.
Leslie is a man's name too.
I knew that. So where's the girl we're going to do?
Ha Ha, very funny.

 

by israphael
12-05-02
Your first scene together will involve oral sex.
I like oral sex.
Good to know.
Action!
So your taking out your penis now. Should I take mine out too? Wow, your's is so big. When is the girl going to get here?
Hey! What are you doing? Get that away from my face. No don't. *Splorch* MMMPH! *Cough* *Cough*
We'll just dub the sound in post-production to replace the gagging with slurping.

Showing page 7.

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