All comics by israphael

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by israphael
8-31-01
Whoa... What's happening. Where am I?
You are aboard my spacecraft, puny earth creature. Prepare for medical experimentation.
Let me guess, this involves some sort of anal probing.
YES! YES! The anal probing!
You'll find lube and gloves on the table over there. I'll be in the corner bending over.

 

by israphael
8-31-01
Exposition to set situation for comic strip.
Observation based on expositional information.
Question regarding last utterance.
Cliched or politically incorrect assertion.
Exclamation of suprise or disgust.
Non sequitar in lieu of actual punchline.

 

by israphael
8-31-01
Look at me, I'm the Prince of Darkness. Tremble before me!
You shall suffer for all eternity in physical, emotional, and sexual agony.
*A-hem*
Sorry, oh master of darkness. I was just having a little innocent fun. I meant no disrespect.
Well that's worth several thousand years of whips, chains, and fire.

 

by israphael
8-31-01
I can't believe that I came home to find you wearing my lingerie.
Is this some sort of sick twisted gay robotic thing?
Not at all. I discovered that the feeling of silk against my titanium alloy skin produced a most pleasurable sensation.
Plus, I look prettier in them than you do!

 

by israphael
9-02-01
Dude, I had the weirdest dream last night. I met my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. Of course my ex is not a lesbian, so I suppose her lover represents her new husband.
Anyway, I tag along with them to a steak restaurant. They're making out in the booth right in front of me. But I think, "OK, at least I'll get a good steak dinner."
But when I get my order, it's lime jello with grated carrots. So I go into the kitchen to complain and they put me to work. My job is to xerox and collate a 134 page report. The weird part is...
Damn I can still hear him. I either need bigger nails or a bigger hammer.

 

by israphael
9-02-01
Hey there handsome. How about coming back to my place for some hot, sweaty tenacle sex.
Great, another tenacle groupie. Don't you girls ever see me as something other than a sex object.
I have feelings and aspirations beyond sticking my tenacles in various bodily orifices. Why do people see me as only as a means to get their ya-yas off and fail to see my inner beauty.
So about going back to my place, I've got the greatest assortment of high powered drugs, sex toys, and kinky porn you'll ever see.
Yeah... OK.

 

by israphael
9-03-01
This is the very ecstasy of love, whose violent property fordoes itself and leads the will to desperate undertakings...
Line.
Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime.

 

by israphael
9-03-01
Look, look mommy. A duck. A cute quacky duck. Quack quack ducky. Ducks got feathers and beaks and webby, webby feet. Quack, quack funny beaky ducky.
Ducks are funny when they walk. They waddle. Waddle. Waddle is a funny word. Waddle is a funny word for a funny walk. Waddle for me cute little ducky man.
How come you are not waddling. I know, there no water. Ducks like water. There is no water here for you to swim and play ducky games. That's OK Mr. Ducky. We can just sit here and quack
When I finish my beer and get off this barstool, you are sooo dead.

 

by israphael
9-06-01
Hey, nice skirt!
It's not a skirt! It's a kilt, you moron!
Kilts are what the people of Scotland wore into battle for many centuries. It represents my pride in my heritage.
I think it would look prettier on me.
Grrrrrr...

 

by israphael
9-06-01
TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW! BEND OVER AND PREPARE TOOO....
What an amazing stroke of luck. If his power cells hadn't run out just now, I'd be in a world of hurt.
Typical example of male computer programming, so crude and one dimensional. However with a little reprogramming...
TOBOR WILL CUDDLE NOW!
Alright.

 

by israphael
9-06-01
CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! I WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
Hey kid. You're doing it all wrong. That's not how you scare people.
Oh yeah, Gramps. So tell me, how do you scare people?
Well, I walk right up to them, look them right in the eye and say...
Have you ever considered the financial benefits of selling Amway products?

 

by israphael
9-20-01
Why are those disks you find in urinals called urine cakes?
They're not pastries...
and they don't taste like urine.

 

by israphael
9-23-01
Whazzup! Who's your daddy! Show me the money! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! Love ya babe, let do lunch!
Clango. You can't begin to understand, let alone approximate, human behavior by randomly spouting pop culture catchphrases.
They are gross oversimplications of normal social discourse and fail to capture the complexity and richness of the human experience.
Hey, Sweet Cheeks. Want to go back to my place and screw like crazed weasels?
On the other hand, I have to admit that your understanding of male behavior is disturbingly accurate.

 

by israphael
9-23-01
Jon, you look like shit. How did the job hunting go?
It was a long and grueling process. I had to wait an hour and a half before anyone saw me. Then I had to fill out a 25 page application, take a drug test, and pass a lie detector test.
Finally, I had an interview with the CEO of the company. I thought that went well, until he asked me a question I didn't know how to answer.
Why? What did he ask?
Bowels in or bowels out?

 

by israphael
9-23-01
So this cat presents with lameness in the rear limbs. We rule out a broken back and herniated disks with radiographs and a myleograms.
Still not knowing what it is, we ultrasound the abdomen and find a huge fluid filled mass. We drained half a liter of pus. We still don't what kind of bacteria it is, since it's so slow growing.
I'll bet you it's Actinomycetes. Yeah had a case of that recently. Took 250 mg of Ampicillin three times daily for 9 months to clear that up.
Tell me again, why did we marry veterinarians?
Certainly not for the dinner conversation.

 

by israphael
9-23-01
This valuable quarterhorse comes in with colic. We do blood work, abdominal tap, and palpation. And we're still undecided whether to go to surgery. So I decided to redo the abdominal tap.
Better change the subject your wife is coming this way.
Err... I... I see this brunette with legs that won't stop and huge jugs on the other side of the room. Well, I start thinking of all the mean, nasty, perserve things I'd like to do with her.
OK, the coast is clear.
So where was I? Oh yeah. I stick the needle in several centimeters from the midline and hit a isolated pocket of peritonitis. So it's off to surgery. We must have removed 3 yards of gut.

 

by israphael
9-23-01
Hi, Israphael here. I want to thank all of you for reading my strips. I like to use comedy to explore relationships, especially those between men and women.
I like to find humor in common experiences like a first kiss, or when a loved one leaves you for another, or like when women laugh when I take my clothes off... Ummm... What I mean to say is....
Mustn't run away. Mustn't run away. Mustn't run away.

 

by israphael
9-23-01
I'm getting a complex here. First came Alice, who 3 months after we moved in together left me for her English professor. Then Julia, who left me in the middle of a date to have a lesbian fling.
Then there was Kay, who after we set an engagement date moved back in with her ex-husband. And of course Natsumi, who was screwing my....
DUDE! Would you at least look at me while I talk to you!

 

by israphael
9-23-01
Hey, pal. What brings you around? You don't look so hot.
TOBOR NOT FEEL WELL. HAVE PAIN IN DIODES IN LEFT SIDE OF BODY.
We'll have you fixed up in no time, buddy. Hey, wait a sec. If you're here, who's terrorizing the city?
TOBOR SENT COLLEGE INTERN TO DO WORK.
Tobor will cornhole you now.
As if.

 

by israphael
9-23-01
Tobor! Tobor are you there? We're getting complaints about your replacement. People are, excuse my french, getting a half-assed cornholing. Do something about it or you're fired!
TOBOR IS VERY UNHAPPY WITH INTERN. WHEN TOBOR GET INTERN, TOBOR MAKE SURE INTERN CAN NOT SIT FOR LONG TIME.
WHAT WILL TOBOR DO. MAYBE TOBOR ASK EX-WIFE FOR HELP. EX-WIFE OWE TOBOR FAVOR.
Let me see if I have this right. You what me to put on the strap-on and...

 

by israphael
9-23-01
We can't let them get away with this. We have to take action and do it now.
While I agree that something must be done, I don't know if I agree with your methods.
You know how that old saying goes: "Revenge is a dish best served...
...with Fava beans and a nice Chianti."
Well, not quite... But close enough.

 

by israphael
9-25-01
The men of the city, the men of Sodom, surrounded the house, both young and old. - Genesis 19:4
Oh man, I'm so screwed! Why is it always sodomize the donkey in this town? OH PLEASE, CAN ANYONE DELIVER ME FROM THIS FATE!
You called?
Can you really help me? I'm so tired of waking up every morning with an asshole that's on fire.
I'll tell you what I can do. In exchange for your soul, you will be reborn in the form of a baby goat. Goats are never sodomized.
When a goat is born, it shall remain seven days with its mother, and on the eighth day it shall be accepted as a sacrifice. - Leviticus 22:27
Oh man, this is sweet. No more sodomy for me. Nothing can go wrong now.

 

by israphael
9-25-01
TOBOR BETTER NOW. TOBOR GET BACK TO WORK.
Not so fast now, Tobor. We gotta talk. I've got some good news and some bad news.
I'll give you the good news first. Since your ex-wife took over your route, profits have gone through the roof. You'll be glad to know that the stock for Manrape Inc. (NYSE symbol: MNRP) is up 200%.
The bad news is that in order to keep profits high and cost low, we are eliminating some positions... including yours.
TOBOR SO CORNHOLED NOW.

 

by israphael
9-25-01
Hey pal, what's up? Why so glum?
TOBOR'S BITCH EX-WIFE STOLE TOBOR'S JOB.
Sorry to hear that. But hey, I wouldn't worry about it. I can fix you up with a job that is perfect for you.
TOBOR NOT SURE.
Buddy, trust me. Have I ever steered you wrong?
TOBOR JUST EXPERIENCE REDUCTION IN TEMPERATURE ALONG CENTRAL WIRING COLUMN RUNNING DOWN TOBOR'S DORSUM.

 

by israphael
9-25-01
... So the faggot gets back in the car and says to the other one, "We're in luck. He wants to settle out of court."
I guess that is amusing in some sort of twisted way.
TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
Cripes!
Ouch! That hurts! Somebody help me! Get him off of me! Help!
Remember, homosexuality is funny... until it happens to you.

 

by israphael
9-25-01
Wake up Iz. I was wondering about the change in your writing style.
I have a report due on Friday and I have writer's block bad. I've been up 42 hour without sleep and have drunk way too many cups of coffee. Why what have I done?
Yesterday you submitted 34 comics, 28 of them involved donkeys and sodomy. Your last strip was nothing more than the two asian girls repeating the word 'penis' over and over and over again.
Oh, that bad.
Bad, nothing. I thought it was your most coherent work to date.

 

by israphael
9-25-01
Tobor you're perfect. You're tall, sexy, and got a huge... er... um... instrument. You got what it takes to be a porn star, or my name isn't Ron Jeremy.
PORN STAR???
And I got the perfect porn star name for you, Rod Shafter
ROD SHAFTER???
Come with me and I'll introduce you to the boys.
THE BOYS???

 

by israphael
9-25-01
Rod Shafter meet Guy Cabellero. Let's do some good work today boys. Are we rolling? Good..... Action!
RRRAAAAARRRR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
Cut! Tobor did you even read the script?
Today I'm pitching and you're catching.
RoboSlut, Take 2.... Action!
CRAP!

 

by israphael
9-25-01
Tobor, we're going to have to let you go. Don't get me wrong, you've been doing some fantastic work.
NOT AGAIN.
It's just that we are moving to an all bukkake format. And as you are a robot, you are unable to... Umm... how shall I put this?
TOBOR CAN NOT EJACULATE?
No. What's the word I'm looking for... Emote! The audience has to believe you're enjoying yourself.

 

by israphael
9-25-01
(Almost) True Veterinary Tales uses real conversations and with some artistic licence makes them funny...
So she gets in my face. And I tell her, "You can't talk to me that way. You're not a doctor yet". And she says, "Yeah, but I'll soon will be, and then we'll see who's right".
It's been my experience that veterinarians from Penn think very highly of themselves. I guess they get taught that attitude while they're students.
This episode is a little more fanciful than the others...
Well, she's already alienated all the techs and some of the clients. Yesterday she was pressuring Mrs. Walker into getting a cardiac exam for her dog. You know the poor woman can't afford it.
Well, in another week she won't be our problem. After she graduates, I don't think she come back here looking for a job. If she does, I'll just tell her we have no positions available.
Actually, Mrs. Walker can easily afford the procedure.
Look can you two continue your conversation another time and focus on the palpation. I getting tired of having your arm up my ass.

 

by israphael
9-25-01
TOBOR LOST JOB AS PORN STAR. TOBOR HUMILIATED. TOBOR CLIMB UNDER ROCK NOW.
That's a shame. I thought it was the perfect job for you... I mean, you being gay and all.
TOBOR NOT GAY! TOBOR STRAIGHT! TOBOR ONLY ASSRAPE MEN FOR MONEY.
Sounds like denial to me.
Oh yes baby... Right there... Give it to me... Harder...
TEXAS RANGERS STARTING LINEUP: CARLOS PENA, 1ST BASE; MICHAEL YOUNG, 2ND BASE; SCOTT SHELDON, 3RD BASE...

 

by israphael
9-25-01
TOBOR LOST JOB AS PORN STAR. TOBOR HUMILIATED. TOBOR CLIMB UNDER ROCK NOW.
That's a shame. I thought it was the perfect job for you... I mean, you being gay and all.
TOBOR NOT GAY! TOBOR STRAIGHT! TOBOR ONLY ASSRAPE MEN FOR MONEY.
Earlier, In happier times.
Oh yes baby... Right there... Give it to me... Harder...

 

by israphael
9-25-01
TOBOR LOST JOB AS PORN STAR. TOBOR HUMILIATED. TOBOR CLIMB UNDER ROCK NOW.
That's a shame. I thought it was the perfect job for you... I mean, you being gay and all.
TOBOR NOT GAY! TOBOR STRAIGHT! TOBOR ONLY ASSRAPE MEN FOR MONEY.
Sounds like denial to me.
Earlier, In happier times.
Oh yes baby... Right there... Give it to me... Harder...
TEXAS RANGERS STARTING LINEUP: CARLOS PENA, 1ST BASE; MICHAEL YOUNG, 2ND BASE; SCOTT SHELDON, 3RD BASE...

 

by israphael
9-25-01
Hey bud, forget about that old job. I'm sure I can hook you up with a new one, no problem.
It's not a great job. In fact it's a step down from being a gay porn star. But hey, you gotta put food on the table.
WHAT JOB COULD BE LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN BEING PORN STAR?
I'd like to welcome our newest employees to their new careers as bicycle messengers.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

by israphael
9-25-01
Hi, it's Israphael again. Last week, I made an unfortunate joke about bicycle messengers breeding like sewer rats.
After that strip was posted, I received a huge volume of hate mail and several ticking packages. So I feel that perhaps an apology is in order.
I am very sorry if any sewer rats were offended by my thoughtless remarks.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
OK, this is not rocket science. You take this package to this address, deliver it, and get the person receiving it to sign your delivery log. Think you can handle that?
TOBOR UNDERSTAND.
Wonderful. Now here is your bicycle.
TOBOR WILL RIDE YOU NOW.
Look, you don't have to have a relationship with the bikes. Just ride the damn things.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
TOBOR DELIVER PACKAGE FOR MR. WAINWRIGHT.
I'm Mr. Wainwright's secretary. I'll take that package.
PLEASE SIGN TOBOR'S DELIVERY LOG.
Maybe another time, Hon. I've got a million and one other things to do today.
TOBOR WILL MAKE YOU SIGN LOG. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
Tobor, I just received a call from Mr. Wainwright's secretary. What happened between you two?
TOBOR DELIVERED PACKAGE TO OFFICE. SHE TOOK PACKAGE, BUT DID NOT SIGN LOG. TOBOR MAY HAVE OVER REACTED.
Oh, I see.
IS TOBOR FIRED?
On the contrary. She wants to know if you are free for dinner tonight.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
TOBOR LOST. TOBOR CAN NOT FIND ADDRESS. TOBOR ASK FOR DIRECTION IN THIS BUILDING.
You're late. Everybody's waiting for you.
TOBOR GOT LOST.
Sign over door: Human Resources.
Never mind that now. Let's just get started.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
So, what are the results of the interviews and tests performed on our potential new employee?
Tobor has questionable people skills. If you can call brutal personal assault a skill.
We performed a personality inventory by asking him what he'd do in various hypothetical situations. The term 'cornhole' came up 3/4 of the time.
We ran a lie detector exam on him. The needles never moved when he lied. Of course, they didn't move when he told the truth either.
Then there was that disagreeable incident, when one of the secretarys took the last cup of coffee. By the way, we're still trying to clean up the break room.
Gentlemen, I think we have our new executive trainee.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
Tobor: Regional Sales Manager
TOBOR DISPLEASED WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE. YOU DID NOT MAKE SALES QUOTA LAST TWO MONTHS.
TOBOR DOES NOT CARE YOU ARE ONLY COLLEGE INTERN. YOU MUST LEARN THAT THERE ARE REPERCUSSIONS TO YOUR ACTIONS.
TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW.
I hate my life.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
Tobor: Vice-President
TOBOR NOT HAPPY WITH CONTRACT. YOU LEAD TOBOR TO BELIEVE TECH SUPPORT AND COMPONENT REPLACEMENT WOULD BE INCLUDED.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I never promised those things would be part of the basic contract. It's the same deal we cut with most companies.
TOBOR NOT APPEASED! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU ALL NIGHT LONG! THEN TOBOR WILL CRUSH HEAD, JUMP ON BODY, AND CORNHOLE CORPSE!
Perhaps, I spoke hastily. I really can't see any harm in offering you tech support for free and in perpetuity.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
Tobor: CEO
THAT IS ALL FOR NOW, SECRETARY-WHO-GIVES-HEAD. PLEASE SEND IN SECRETARY-WHO-TYPES.
OK Boss.
SECRETARY-WHO-TYPES WHAT IS ON TOBOR'S SCHEDULE TODAY.
9 am: squash with the vice-president in charge of marketing, 10 am: motivational talk with the boys from R&D, 11 am: meeting with CEO of ManRape Inc. regarding our hostile takeover bid.
TOBOR STRANGELY STIMULATED BY LAST BIT. YOU MAY GO. PLEASE SEND IN SECRETARY-WHO-GIVES-HEAD.
Yes sir, Mr. Tobor.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
Hello, Tobor. It's good seeing you again. You're looking well.
TOBOR NOT INTERESTED IN JIBBER JABBER. WHEN TOBOR LEAVE MANRAPE INC., IT WAS STRONG COMPANY. WHAT HAPPENED?
Helmut got greedy and started embezzling. He split with the company's assets leaving me in charge. But I can't sodomize and run the company at the same time.
You're enjoying all this, aren't you?
TOBOR IS GIDDY LIKE LITTLE GIRL.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
YOU LOST FIRE IN THE BELLY, EYE OF THE TIGER, AND OTHER CLICHE DENOTING WILLPOWER.
TOBOR HAD TO PULL HIMSELF OUT OF GUTTER USING DESIRE AND HARD WORK. TOBOR WILL TEACH YOU MEANING OF WILLPOWER.
TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW.
That's your answer to everything.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
That was wonderful. I always considered you the best lover I ever had. You always knew what I liked.
TOBOR IS PLEASE AS WELL.
We're OK, aren't we? I mean you and me.... no hard feelings or anything.
TOBOR TAKE OVER COMPANY. AND YOU CAN CONTINUE ASSRAPING MEN.
Fantastic! We always were a really great team. Come to think of it... I can't remember why... Why did we get divorced?
WIFE NEVER REPLACE CAP ON TOOTHPASTE TUBE.

 

by israphael
9-26-01
Cameras Rolling... Action!
Ooo... What a sweet....
Hold it one second. I hate to interrupt, but I'll be unable to appear in these strips for the next couple of weeks due to family commitments.
But in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, my good friend Grand Ole Pachyderm is going to take over for me. Thanks and take it away, G.O.P.
The pleasure is all mine.
Cameras Rolling.... Action!
Ooo... What a sweet ass. I can't wait until I'm pounding away in your rectum.
I'm going to kill that donkey!

 

by israphael
9-27-01
Anderson, come quick. After many years of work, I've finally done it! I've isolated the particles that make up humor... the quanta of comedy.
Wow, that's great!
Don't you see what this means. No more lame jokes. We can finally move beyond strips about donkeys and sodomy. Look in the microscope and you can see the particles for yourself.

 

by israphael
9-29-01
Maura! Maura, where are you!
I'm over here, sweety.
Damn, I'm tired of sneaking around like this. Why can't we meet in public like a regular couple.
I'm afraid what people would think if they knew we were seeing each other. They would think I'm some kind of freak.
That's funny coming from a woman who has dated robots.

 

by israphael
9-29-01
I mean it! You know how people are. They will go out of their way to think the worst.
They'll take one look at us and assume it's some sort of perverted sex thing.
Sex! Yeah, the sex! I like the sex! Ha Ha Ha...
Can't you be serious for just one moment?
*Cough* *Cough* Um... Sorry about that. The unfortunate part is I was being serious.

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