All comics by Injokester

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by Injokester
4-14-06
It turns out I wasn't invisible after all.
On the upside I got to be naked on the news again!

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
So I'm told that nursery rhymes aren't to be taken literally.
The judge also said I had to pay for all four and twenty blackbirds.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I hate easter. Everyone always comes over asking me for chocolate eggs.
But do I get any appreciation when I lay them one?
No.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
Bad news Chen, I sucked out all the creme from your Cadbury's Creme Eggs and replaced it with sperm.
I knew you'd do that.
Well I knew you'd know I'd do that.
Which is why I also punched your mom.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I tried Obi-Wan's advice to use the force, but it didn't work.
Now I'm trying the plunger.
And if that doesn't get all the ants out, I'll just have to bite the bullet and explain things to the proctologist.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
Dang it, 30 minutes to my break and I have to pee.
Good thing I remembered to wear a condom today.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I hate my stupid boss. I hate his stupid rules.
If it's still comfortable, the suit doesn't need a wash.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I got abducted by aliens last night and given an anal probe.
Alright, maybe I just sat on the remote again.
The newspaper reporter guy wasn't very impressed either.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
You know, I was thinking of parting my hair on the other side.
Alright, maybe I was just thinking about nipples.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I bought a new ringtone for my phone today. It was a sort of "ring-ring" sound.
I don't think it was worth the $6.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I went to the beach today and made me a sand castle.
Then some woman started screaming like a banshee.
Hey, if your kid doesn't scale my parapets I don't douse him in burning oil.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
As Sun Tzu said; 'divide and conquer'.
Although, after I divided the prostitute there wasn't much left to conquer.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I plan to leave this world as I entered.
Naked and clutching a placenta.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
When I was a kid I really wanted a little brother. I begged and begged and begged my parents.
That year for christmas I got an aborted fetus.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
We decided to name my little brother Fetus, on account of him being one and all. I laughed because I had the better name.
Later that day my parents told me they loved Fetus more than me.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
The other kids teased me a lot because they had teddy bears, and all I had was my brother Fetus.
Then one of Fetus' eyes got poked out on a branch, so after that he had one 'real eye' and one 'button eye'.
It still wasn't the same.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
When we were kids Fetus and I really wanted a pet dog.
We begged and begged our parents.
We never got a dog, but eventually they agreed to let me drag Fetus around on a leash.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
One day I took Fetus to the mall, but we got seperated.
Me and my parents searched for hours before we found him.
After that they made me tie his umbilical cord to my arm so I wouldn't lose him again.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I remember one time Fetus and I got in a fight. It got very rough, and Fetus got really hurt.
I cried and cried and cried.
Mom managed to pack Fetus' stuffing back in and sewed a patch over the hole, but I still felt bad about it.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
So I said to my girlfriend; "What's the difference between my new shoes and your vagina?"
"My new shoes don't yet smell like feet".
Then she broke some of my stuff.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
What's the difference between a bucket of fish heads and a bucket of human excrement?
My sexual preference leans towards one more than the other.
Which depends on my mood.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I remember when I was a kid mom would make all my clothes, but we didn't have enough money for material.
For a while I wore a jumper made from old plastic bags.
My dad painted a Batman logo on the back, so at least it was sorta cool.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
When I was a kid we used to make "super drinks". We'd just pile in everything we could find in the fridge.
I wanted to make one this morning, but all that's in my fridge is vinegar and an onion.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I remember this one time Fetus and I were playing "war" in the backyard and his arm fell off.
Mom wasn't home to sew it back on, but dad patched him up with staples and some wood glue.
Then he put a band-aid on my arm so I wouldn't feel left out.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
When I was a kid my mom would buy everything in bulk when it was on special, then freeze it so it would last longer.
I hated waiting for my cornflakes to defrost.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
We never had much money when I was a kid, so Fetus and I had to share everything.
We slept in the same bed until I was 14.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
One year our dad bought us an Atari 2600 at a garage sale.
We had endless hours of fun playing with it.
Mom ruined it though, she made me let Fetus win sometimes.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
Fetus and I used to do everything together, until this one time my dad took me out and said Fetus couldn't come. That made me feel special.
Then he took me to the hospital and I woke up with a big scar down my side.
My parents told me they had to give one of my kidneys to Fetus to save his life, but looking back now I think they sold it.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
One day Fetus and I were walking home from school and these two other kids grabbed Fetus and started playing keep-away.
Then one of their mothers caught them and started screamin' like a crazy person.
They got in so much trouble they weren't even allowed anywhere near me. Ha! I bet that taught those bullies.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
One summer Fetus and I built a push-kart.
My dad got mad and yelled at me though.
He said we could ride it, but that I couldn't tie Fetus to the front and play "deer hunter".

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
'Chips' was always my favourite when I was a kid.
Sometimes we even had them in oil.
The other times we just re-used what dad stole from the lipo clinic, and strain the crunchy bits once a month.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
I remember when I was a kid the only pets we were allowed to have were mice.
And then only until dad got around to cleaning out the traps.

 

by Injokester
4-15-06
The best thing I remember about being a kid was having more toys than any other kids.
Only unlike the other kids I didn't have G.I. Joe's, I had sticks.
One christmas I even got a "fort playset" because my dad only wanted the shoes that came in it.

 

by Injokester
4-16-06
When I was a kid we couldn't afford for me to have real bathers, so my mother made me a pair.
It was alright though, 'cos potato sacks float pretty good, and my couch pillow 'floaties' were handy if I wanted to have a nap in the car.

 

by Injokester
4-16-06
When we were kids, dad bought us a merry-go-round to play on. He said only Fetus was allowed to use it though, because I was too heavy.
I still had fun pushing him around on it though.
Looking back I think it was just a busted old record player.

 

by Injokester
4-16-06
We never got to have a real pet when we were kids. Dad was real mean about that.
He even confiscated Franklin, the dog we made from parts the butcher gave us.

 

by Injokester
4-16-06
One time me and Fetus got into a fight with two other kids. We lost because Fetus wasn't a very good fighter.
We went back later and kicked their butts though.
That's after I'd left Fetus in the freezer for a couple of days.

 

by Injokester
4-16-06
When I was a kid we had a water jug in the fridge, and the rule was that whoever drank the last of it had to fill it back up.
So we just left about an inch in the bottom.
Then dad would punch me and make me fill it up.

 

by Injokester
4-16-06
Is there anything sweeter than winning free money?
Maybe a woman with chocolate hidden in her pants.

 

by Injokester
4-16-06
I was thinking of growing me an afro.
Then I could clone it,
And have a whole army of little attack afro's.

 

by Injokester
4-17-06
My cousin died today. My family won't even let me come to the funeral.
They claim it's because I dry humped Aunt Sally's corpse at the last one
But I think it's more political than that.

 

by Injokester
4-17-06
The hammer is by far the most useful tool ever devised by man.
Just don't stick the claw end up a vagina unless you're prepared to clean it up.

 

by Injokester
4-18-06
For a few years when I was a kid, dad made his living building animated Christmas displays.
Technically I lost my virginity to a plastic elf.

 

by Injokester
4-18-06
I used to love watching Star Trek. I always thought Kirk was the coolest, for seducing all those green women.
I tried to dye my girlfriend, but she just got angry.

 

by Injokester
4-18-06
I've been thinking of growing a mustache.
That way it wouldn't stand out so much when pubes get stuck to my face.

 

by Injokester
4-18-06
I don't like the people down at my gym. They think they're better than everyone else.
It's not like I meant to shit on the exerbike.

 

by Injokester
4-18-06
I love going to the airport.
I love watching the people arrive at the gate and run into the arms of the ones they love.
And I love it when they don't see my tripwire.

 

by Injokester
4-18-06
I gotta say, the cigarette lighter in cars is a well designed tool.
Perfectly nipple sized.

 

by Injokester
4-18-06
I love betting on horses.
Almost as much as betting on which epileptic will reach the bottom of the stairs first.

 

by Injokester
4-18-06
I got pretty beat up playing football yesterday.
I was playing one on one against myself. I went for my own fake and cracked three ribs.
I'm thinking I don't eat any more pineal glands.

Showing page 8.

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