All comics by Kevin_Keegans_Perm

 

Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
Dad , is that you getting oral sex from a blonde with a 38DD chest whilst shes done up the ass by a black guy?
Well son, we were short of funds, and i needed to put you through college. Dwarf porn aint pretty, but it pays the bills.

 

Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
"Eeeeeeeemanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable ... "
"Heidegger Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table"

 

Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
Cousing Wilford is a fucking retard. He said "Look out for dee cock train"
Wise words indeed if you dont want to be shot twice , in the face , with bullets , not cum.

 
You do this for a living? Damn you must be poor.

 
Two Words - "Hanson" and "MMM-Bop". It happened right here my man.

 
Honorable Ninja. Your sponsorship deal with the local little league team seems to be paying dividends.
Indeed. Honorable Ninja's patented Shuriken-Ball just absoloutely kills the opposition.

 

Who the fuck writes this shit? "Kajun Firefly"? Im going to rip him a new ass. Fucking hack.
"HOLY SHIT", reading the forums and his feedback, this guy is well known and popular. Time for a quick rethink
"Kajun Firefly is a Magnificent Bastard"
*phew*, Close one there.

 

Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell
I'll see what I can do about it.
Come here babe .... you sexy motha-fuck-ahhhhhhh
Shit. I forgot he was doing a comeback.

 

Bawitdaba gdang gdang diggie diggie ... oh , hey dude.
'sup motherfucker. Wheres the beers and bitches at?
What the fuck?
Shit man, i need to lay off the drugs, im having Joe C flashbacks.

 

YO! I made a lot of records in this 10 year career. And every record i ever made was blood, sweat, and motherfucking tears.
Course, it was someone else blood, sweat, and motherfucking tears.
But fuck it, wheres the ho's at.

 

YO! I want every motherfucker in this building to give it up for my man Uncle Kracker!
Yo!
Kracker , been a while since you been on stage man. Whats the scoop?
Well, i went solo, i was shit, and i ended up having sex with men for money to pay the bills.
Faggot.
Please love me.

 

YO! Suit , what the fuck are you doing at my pad. I want bitches and ho's and top shelf mixed drinks.
Im here to offer you a shot at redemption Mr Rock. See, your musics gone to shit, your careers fucked up, and your last rent check bounced.
Yeh, well, thatll teach me to pay it with one of Pam's silicone implants. Whats your story suit.
Its very simple. We need a chat show for the hyperactive, overaggressive 13-25 age bracket.
And youre asking me why?
Because Manson told me to fuck off.

 

YO! So, whats the pay, and how do we play this motherfucker.
Its a pretty simple premise. You get to sit in the studio and drink bourbon and talk unintelligible shit to other rock bands.
Sounds like pretty much every scriptwriters meeting for Frazier. Im no corporate whore. No dice bitch
The pay is $350k a series, and as much Heroin as you can cook in your soon to be very short life.
"Kid Rock Live" .. i can see it now. I smell ratings.
I smell a sponsorship nightmare, but fuck it, i swore id get even with Ted Turner, and fuck im going to do it.

 

So, you going to make an entry into Boinky's latest CC?
Fuck no. Its the worst concept for a CC in 238 editions. Even MikeyG's contest was more entertaing.
True. And i really enjoyed calling him a cockloving son of a whore. I like how he makes out it doesnt affect him.
Yep. Trying to make friends by letting people insult you is a truly stupid idea.
So who was the first person to do it?
Boinky.

 

Are you sure we should be doing this?
Oh for fuck sake, don't tell me you're getting cold feet? You were up for it last night.
I know, I know, but what if we get caught?
We wont if we're carefull, now, hold still.
Okay Brain. Now what do we do?
We wait for it to generate gravitons , then we take over the world Pinky.

 

My Mother came to Hazard when i was just Seven
Even then the folks in town said with prejudiced eyes
"That boys not right"
Wangs

 

3 Years ago when i came across Mary....
Woah. Ill just get a towel. Sorry, i dont normally do that on first dates.
First time someone looked beyond the rumours and the lies.
No way man. I did not kill his dog with a pitchfork. I definetely used a spade.
And saw the man inside.
So, erm, what you doing for lunch
You.

 

I swear, I left her by the river ...
"Underwater birthing techniques made easy" ... where do you find this stuff?
Martha Stewart had a yard sale. Shes not going to be needing her stuff for a while.
I swear i left her safe and sound
Cool, she has commemorative Richard Nixon water-wings. You wanna try swimming in them?
Sure. I mean, its not like theres a vicious undercurrent that could drag me to my death.
I need to make it to the river , and leave this old Nebraska town.
Mary?

 

Man with a badge came knocking next morning.
Officer Bob. I was just making sausages for tonights Barbeque. What can i do for you.
Here was I surrounded by a thousand fingers suddenly
I hope thats not old Zeke's pet raccoon youre making them there Sausages from.
Pointed right at me
Nope. Its my ex wife's new husband. Care to try some?
It aint purty, but i guess its legal. Lets chow down.

 

I swear i left her by the river ......
Erm , Mr Narrator, thats not entirely accurate.
I swear i left her safe and ... WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?
I filled the water wings with batshit. How was i to know it didnt float. Would YOU use your lips to blow up Richard Nixon waterwings owned by Martha Stewart for 30 years?
Well no, obviously. It would be suicide.
Exactly. Now can you score me some smokes? I need to pay off Bubba before he gets randy again.

 

Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
No Zeus. Im not doing it. Paedophilia is not cool, even if it is the Olsen Twins.
Cmon, all the other gods are doing it

 
Hmm. Doesnt look like it was in the Brochure. Tijuana, right?
Falluja.

 
And you know that im Toxic.

 
Am i Wrong to Hunger?
You are as long as ya got mah oil.

 
My dog is dead?

 

Darn! Temporary blindness again! And just when I needed to take a humongous leak!
Whew! Thought I'd never find the bathroom! Oh...oh, yeah...that's better...ahhhhh....
Aww shit, not again!
You going to jail Kobe Bryant.

 

Hi , im Norm Stapleton. And with me today is 360lb pie eating champion Buford C MacGyver
Its great to be here Norm. In fact, its nice to be out in the daylight. Thanks for the crane hire.
Ha Ha. No problem Buford. So tell us, youre going on the Atkins diet , right. Aiming to shed a few pounds and get to your ideal weight ... or fed up paying for 2 airline seats?
Damned Delta and their "No fat Bastards" policy. Anyway , according to the book, ill lose 200lbs and look like Brad Pitt when im done.
12 Months later ...
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?
You want proof? Smell my breath.

 

Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
AHHHH! Get offa me Kobe Bryant!

 
I know you love my Scottish accent, and you went out with me to have a token scottish boyfriend , but i confess , im actually Belgian.
Fuck!

 

And in other news today, well known Techno artist Moby has announced that for his next gig, hes going to do a completely acoustic set.
And now live to the venue for Moby's opening number.
Oh Fucksocks
Wow. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife.
And im getting reports thats what Moby is thinking of doing to himself right about now.

 

Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
Amazing Stuff Sally. Im live on the scene with Bob Dylan, who today said something Intelligible. Bob , whats up with that?
Neednt Noo?

 

LOOK. LET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. THIS ISNT FUNNY ANYMORE!
I SAID ID GO INTO YOUR ASS TO RETRIEVE THE DEAD HAMSTER. NOW OPEN THOSE CHEEKS MISTER OR IM LIGHTING A MATCH.
Let us never speak of this again.
Agreed.

 

By day, hes a mild mannered insurance Investigator
Dion , I want that report on my desk first thing tomorrow.
Ill get right on it Boss
But this summer, hes coming out of the closet in more ways than one
And then he said my ass was fat. Oh thanks for listening Dion, youre such a good listener.
Any time Sandy. Thats what im here for
Dion Waterman Is : Camp Office Ninja!
Oh my GOD! That green is SO last season.

 

Hey man. Im Ken, the new regional manager. Just flew in from Chicago this morning. Man are my arms tired.
Ha Ha Ha Ha.
*SWOOSH*
Oooh , get you duckie. I bet i know where that moustache has been last night. Ill never get those stains out of my suit.
*SWOOSH*
What the hell was that?
The sound of Carl Wittman turning in his grave.

 

Wow. This bring back memories.
Wha?
I said this bring back memories.
Oh.
What did you think i said?
I thought you said "Mammaries" , and was going to remind you that youre 8yrs old and have no tits.

 

Holy shit. Did you know that Biped has given us names now? You know what this means?
No longer being called AsianGirl 1 & 2?
No shithead, it means we can claim image rights on every piece of merchandise that Brad sells through cafepress.
fan-fucking-tastic. Were gonna be rich. And once were rich, nobody will ever make jokes about us again.
6 months later
Ok , how much have we made so far ?
About fi' dollah ....

 

Aright La, Im Everton's star striker like, Wayne fookin Rooney, and im 'ere to address a few accusations which were recently brought up regarding my private life.
Before i start, im going to give this under age prostitute five dollars to perform fellatio on me .... i mean take notes for later distribution to the press.
*CUT* Wayne , can we do this without the hooker?
What Hooker?
*GLORP*GLORP*

 

Thanks for coming guys. As you know , i finally got married yesterday. It was the happiest day of my life.
And so , without further ado, id like to introuduce to my new husband. Mr Britney Spears.
Kevin Fedarrrrline.

 

He wants to go out and play with his friends
But he cant touch my playstation
And im not shaking hands
He goes to the mall but gets thrown out of stores
cause he leaves sticky trails on windows and doors
In fact theres not a lot of things he can do
Because hes little Jimmy
The boy with hands covered in Poo.

 

Hey Guys. Thanks for coming along today. Im Little Jimmy, the star of this hilarious 1965 sitcom gone wrong.
And i just know youre going to have great fun laughing at my adventures in the next few strips.
And the fact I have hands covered in poo.

 

Hey Officer Gabrinski. Hows Mall Duty going today.
Sorry Jimmy , you cant go in today. Theres a visit by republican party presidential candidate John Kerry.
And youre worried that ill go in there and shake his hand?
And create a photo opportunity for the Democrats of Kerry with his hands covered in shit.
That would really be some funny shit.
I can see what youre thinking. Back up before I mace you in the face.

 

Yo Carter, hows this little "Party" getting on in here.
Holy Shit, Jimmy. How did you get in. Gabrinski's going to have a fit.
Its no big deal. I just asked him if I got arrested would i be able to sit in the squad car for the ride to jail.
At which point he remembered last time when it stank like a dead hamster up a gimp's rectal pathway. Good tactics.
And I promised not to shake hands with his wife next time i visit her.
Yeh man, a handjob that leaves your johnson darker than Stevie Wonder just isnt right.

 

HI There. Im democratic nominee John Kerry. A vote for me is a vote for Freedom.
It certainly is sir. Id like to shake your hand just for telling me that.
*Handshake*
Thanks Kid. I know i can count on the youth of america to do the right thing at the ballot box.
Thanks Mr Kerry. I hope this experience brings you one step closer to the whitehouse.
. . . . . . . Kid , my hands are covered in shit.
Well , youre going for the top job in US politics, I figured you needed to get a feel for it.

 

Vote Me. I give tax cuts to the rich and middle class. I lead our country in battle overseas to save YOU money on Gas Prices.
Vote Me. Im not George W Bush.
I fight the war against terror, I helped jail Martha Stewart, and goddamn it, Nihilism makes me smile
Vote Me. Im not George W Bush.
Youre not taking this seriously, are you.
Well , Ralph Nader stole all my policies , i need to go with what works.

 

Im sorry Miss Wong, but i Have some bad news for you and your lesbian sister.
Im afraid the child that youre going to have by artificial insemination is going to be of Mixed Race.
How is this possible? We took sperm from the 53 regional heads of the KKK. There must be some mistake.
Im afraid not. It appears that despite all the advances in medical science over the last 20 years, two wongs still do not make a white.

 

Dude , I had a horrific nightmare last night about Baseball. Its traumatised me for life.
Tell me about it dude.
Well, i was playing at Shea Stadium, against this team called the Vatican City Rangers. And no matter how i swung, they always struck me out.
You hadnt been listening to Buggles before you went to bed, had you?
Yeh man, why?
Pitchers came and broke your heart, put all the blame on VCR.

 

Well James, I have all the dates here for your world tour. Lets just review them shall we?
Wait a minute? Does that say Tokyo? I aint performing for those Gooks after Pearl Harbor. Cross that one off.
Ok , I guess ill bow to your artistic integrity. What about Shanghai?
After Tianman Square? Aint no way im performing for those commie bastards. Only place in Asia im gonna play is South Korea. Thats my Spiritual Home?
South Korea? Spiritual Home? What the fuck are you talking about?
I cant help it dude , Im a Seoul Man.

 

The suspect is 5'8, black, with a short afro haircut. May be armed and dangerous.
Hello! Is it me youre looking for?
No.

 

Control, this is O'Neill. Weve got most of the kids out of the building, but it still on fire. Im going back in to get the last of them out.
All the Children say , we dont need another hero!
Control, yep, im going in now. Get some squad cars down here, we got some crazy lady getting in the way.

 

Ive done all i can for her officer. Shes in a pretty bad way. That truck hit her doing at least fifty.
Its not right, but its okay, im gonna make it anyway.
Shes not dead folks. This is just her career.

Showing page 8.

« Previous Next »