All comics by Porternotes

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by Porternotes
3-03-16
Woah woah woah... Down, boy! Down, boy!
...and who are you calling "BOY"?
Hey you two! Get out of my bar before I call the cops!
How was your night out, Honey?
I found out why they call the human leg bone the humerus. As soon as you remove it, they're not so funny anymore.

 

by Porternotes
3-22-16
You haven't mentioned your comic strip club thingy in a while.
Stripcreator? Well, there's a comic competition for the longtime users.
That's not you?
No, I've only been on for a couple of years. Some of them have been on for, like 10 years or more.
Wow! I bet you could learn a lot from them.
Actually I have: Don't trust red robots.

 

by Porternotes
4-08-16
...Mr. Tobor...
...ever since then I had the reputation...
...Mr. Tobor...
...for being a rapist... an ASS rapist...
Mr. Tobor, do you know anything at all about the position.
If there's anything I know, it's positions.

 

by Porternotes
4-11-16
So now I suffer from Dementia because of those concussions I suffered doing my own stunts in the 1940's
Well, I got blackballed out of Hollywood because of that whole cross-dressing scandal.
The only thing that relieves the pain is smoking pot with my nephew, but I'm scared shitless I'll get busted by the feds someday.
I got hooked on antidepressants and now have permanent sexual disfunction.
I guess we know the answer to "What's up, Doc?"
You're despicable.

 

by Porternotes
4-11-16
You heard Speedy got deported?
Yeah... Everyone on the set knew he was bringing in that Mexican Brown over the border.
I guess he got over confident. They caught up with him at the wrap party for Space Jam.
I was so wasted that night. I woke up with four... carrots in my mouth.
Dude, you have no shame.
Oh, please... one of them was yours!

 

by Porternotes
4-12-16
Whatever happened to that guy with the guns?
Which one? Fudd or Sam?
That's right, there were two of them! I don't think I ever did a picture with the cowboy.
That was Sam. He was a real piece of work. He had kids all over the country. He was doing the con-circuit a couple of years back just to cover his alimony.
Man, I'd never do the con-scene.
I did a convention one year and they set me up between William Shatner and The Shmoo... The Fuckin' Shmoo!

 

by Porternotes
4-12-16
I really need this job. I can't blow the interview. If I don't get this job, I'll lose everything.
Shit, here he comes. I probably look desperate. Ok. deep breath. I need this job.
Thanks for waiting, Chuck. Would you like to step this way?
Thanks, Ted. The last time I waited this long for anything I ended up with a scar on my balls and two courses of antibiotics. Wait! No, that's not how it went...
Well, I'd like to thank you for coming in. We'll let you know either way.

 

by Porternotes
4-14-16
Well, buddy-boy it was good to see you. Let's not make it so long next time.
You bet. If you see any more of the old gang, you can give them my number.
B'dee m'bee b'dee m'bee b'dee m'bee did you have a nice walk?
Yeah, I ran into an old friend. You remember the Duck we used to work with?
B'dee m'bee b'dee m'bee b'dee m'bee I remember that duck.
Yeah, he's still an asshole.

 

by Porternotes
4-15-16
I really need this job. I can't blow the interview. If I don't get this job. I'll lose everything.
Shit, here he comes. I probably look desperate. Ok, deep breath. I need this job. Be witty. Be smart.
Thanks for waiting, Phil. Would you like to step this way?
Would I? My anus is at half-clench right now just thinking about being alone in a room with you.... only half-clench...wink, wink.
Well, I'd like to thank you for coming in. We'll let you know if we go that way.

 

by Porternotes
4-19-16
Jimmy, please come up to the front of the class.
Is there a problem?
My mom said if I have impure thoughts, I'd turn to stone.
...ok?
I think it's starting with my pee pee.

 

by Porternotes
5-05-16
It seems like you're upset with me.
The fact is, you've been drinking too much and if you don't stop I'm taking the kids and leaving you.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
I've never been more serious in my life.
You'd actually do that for me?
Fuck you.

 

by Porternotes
5-10-16
My brain right now...
...then, in five minutes..
...then five minutes after that...

 

by Porternotes
5-17-16
...and just when she's about to reach the top...
...you stick your finger in her butthole.
...right there... in the butthole.
...interesting...
Yep. In the butthole.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Hey, Kid.
What do you want, mister?
Come here, I just want to talk to you.
I don't know you. I shouldn't talk to you.
Damn it, I was such a mama's boy.
You're a stranger, that's what you are!

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Listen, Kid. I'm you. I can't get into how I'm here from the future, just listen to what I've got to tell you.
This is something from Bloopers and Practical Jokes, right?
No, And that's one thing I'm here to tell you, stop watching so much TV.
What? You're crazy, Stranger. I love TV.
I know you do. I remember, but it's true about it rotting your brain. In the future, EVERYONE is hooked on tv.
I know, you're one of those grumpy old guys from the barbershop around the corner.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
In 1987 your family is going to decide to move to Wisconsin. It might not be a good idea.
First off, I LOVE Wisconsin. I don't know if I can wait until 1987.
Wisconsin isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
Secondly, my Family can't afford to move out of Chicago.
We do it. Somehow we get the money together and we do it. Your brother-in-law makes it happen.
Wait, my sister is married by 1987. Who would want THAT birdface?

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Some really good things come out of moving, but some really crappy things happen too.
Yeah, like what?
You meet a knockout blonde who marries you.
Now we're talking!
But you get involved with some crazies first.
Hmmmm... Do they let me do it to them, too?

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Here is a list of people to stay away from. Anyone on this list, don't bother with them. Keep this list somewhere safe.
I'll keep it in my KISS pencil box. I'll never get rid of that.
Um... yeah, it's going to get broken and thrown away.
What?! No way! I love that thing. I'm planning to keep it forever.
Put it in that Winnie the Pooh read-along record you've got. Trust me, you cart that record around for the next 35 years. I don't know why.
I get weird in the future.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Keep the list. Memorize it. Stay clear of the people on it. You'll make me, and yourself happy.
Ok. Got it.
Good. Stop watching TV. Stay away from video games. Read more books. In a couple of years you'll play guitar...
...neat!
Not neat. WORK. Work at it and don't put anything else as a priority.
Wow, future-me is a whip cracker.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Do you think this is some kind of a joke? Look at me! You're looking at YOU. 2016. This is what you'll look like if you don't follow my advice.
Wow, scary.
You're damned right, "Scary".
Do I follow my dreams?
What do you think?
I guess I'm not a professional video game tester, then.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
When you turn 12 you'll get offered a job. Take it and work hard at it. It's a good job, don't mess it up.
Ok. I can do that.
You're going to go to the best high school in the city of Chicago.
Alright!
Not alright. Work hard at your grades and see it through.
I'm beginning to detect a pattern here.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
When you turn 19 you'll...
Wait, I don't want to know everything. I want some mystery and I want to fall in love and I want to laugh and find happiness...
Ok, you're right. I shouldn't hit you with all the dismal details. Ask me what you want to know about the future.
Ok. What's my job in the future.
Your a salesman. You sell a product to people. It's long hours, high stress and barely enough money to survive.
So about this list, is my future-me on it too?

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
I don't mean to make it sound all bad, but the future is kinda messed up.
Aren't we supposed to be living on the moon and stuff?
Turns out we stop going to the moon in like 1972.
What? We've got the shuttle now, surely we use that.
There was an explosion in '86 and another disaster in 2003... the shuttle missions petered out by 2011.
Well, then I guess we just focused on making the Earth a better place then, right?

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Pollution is horrible in the future.
Don't we do anything about it?
Sure, we fine the worst corporate offenders millions of dollars.
Woah, that should keep 'em in line.
They just pay the fines and keep doing it anyway.
...but didn't you say "millions of dollars"?

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Yeah, money is weird too. A million dollars isn't that much anymore. It's routinely given away with the lottery.
Oh, so everyone is rich in the future!
Yeah... no. Only 1% of the American population is rich.
I take it we're not in the 1%
Far from it.
Jeez...

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
I'll tell you what, I'll give you some good news about the future.
Whew, ok. I sure could use some.
Let's see..
hmmm... Oh, they made a really good Star Wars movie this year.
More Star Wars movies! Awesome! I really love Han Solo.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
It's not like things are all bad in the future, it's just... things are different in the future.
But it sounds like most of them are different/bad.
Not entirley.. Like this: We don't have flying cars, but we might soon have self driving cars.
That sounds cool.
Yeah, and people can legally marry whomever they want, even if it's two men or two women getting married.
I'm not sure why that one needed to be spelled out...

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Everyone carries around a little computer. You can talk to anyone around the world on it, face to face like the Jetsons.
That sounds cool.
It is pretty cool. Even old folks use them, like our mom.
Wait, mom uses a computer? What does she do with it?
Guilt has embraced technology in the future as well.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
I've got to get out of here. I just wanted to let you know that some of the decisions you make now have lasting effects. Please be sensible.
Wait, I want to know about me.
I probably shouldn't tell you too much.
You already said I got married.
Yeah, a couple of times, actually.
Woah, I turn into a real ladies man.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Gotta go.
Wait, at what age do I "do it"?
If you stick to the list, that might change.
Wow... I don't know what to do.
Hmmm... I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll put a different name on the list. That's someone you'll want to hang around with right away.
Look at me, setting myself up!

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Eat properly. Stay away from McDonalds.
Ok. I'll stick to healthy stuff like Wheaties.
Oh, yeah, that guy on the Wheaties box...
...yeah?
...he has a sex change and becomes the 2015 "Woman of the Year".
Ok, I call bullshit.

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
Yeah, he changed his name from Bruce to Caitlyn.
What kind of a name is Caitlyn?
It becomes big in the 1990's
Weird.
Here's something else to blow your mind: Our president for the past 8 years is a black guy.
Is it Richard Pryor?

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
OH, and one last thing.
Yeah?
The next couple of summers, our mom is going to send you for a few weeks to our grandma's house.
... grandma...?
...yeah...
...oh no...

 

by Porternotes
5-20-16
When you go to grandma's, she's going to want to sit and listen to the radio.
Wait, you mean she's going to lose the sight in her other eye too?
Yeah. So, when she asks you to sit with her and you both listen to the radio, do this for me...
...ok?
Wear your pants. It'll make for a sweeter memory later on.

 

by Porternotes
5-25-16
I think I need to speak to someone.
I know what you mean. I've been feeling that way myself.
I just can't get out from under this depression. And my anxiety about it makes it even worse.
Tell me about it. I just feel like crawling under the bed and never coming out.
Please call the doctor and schedule an appointment. I'm just not feeling well at all.
I was going to ask you to do that for me.

 

by Porternotes
6-02-16
Did I ever tell you about the time I spent in the hospital as a kid?
NO... What happened?
I spent 3 months in the cancer center. The case is in the medical journals. It was groundbreaking.
Oh my God. You never mentioned it before.
I can't believe the cure was so simple in the end.
Cream of Crab injected directly into the colon.

 

by Porternotes
6-16-16
Crazy situation in Orlando, eh?
Yeah, they better not try to take my guns away from me.
Don't you have any empathy for the people who were killed?
I can totally relate to the victims. I, too, have a somewhat uncommon sexual orientation.
What's that?
I'm ammo-sexual.

 

by Porternotes
7-08-16
Excuse me, I'd like to ask you a few questions regarding gun violence.
Sure. What's up, Doc?
What are your thoughts about comprehensive gun control?
Well, Doc. I think strict gun laws are long overdue. Nowadays any Tom, Dick or Elmer can get their hands on a gun, and that's not right.
What would be the first step America should take regarding gun culture in our country?
Media Season.

 

by Porternotes
7-08-16
Pack our bags.We're going to New York City.
Really?! Why New York?
Why not? I've always wanted to go and airfare is really cheap right now.
Alright. How should I pack? Are we going anywhere swanky?
I got tickets for Hamilton.
Ooo! Just want I want to spend money on. An Afterschool Special on Broadway.

 

by Porternotes
7-12-16
Nobody gives two shits about us anymore.
Maybe we need a better social media profile.
I tried to get 666.com, but it's owned by some silicone valley jerk who wants $3million for the domain name.
Websites are old news anyway. There's got to be a way to lure new souls to Hell.
Maybe we can get a few of those pokemon down here.
Now you're talkin'!

 

by Porternotes
7-12-16
So, the coffeeshop is closed forever.
Five years and now it's over. I'm sad.
Me too. But we couldn't keep it going any longer.
Even making nothing is better than losing money.
Well... you're going to need to look for a job.
You do you... Imma do me now.

 

by Porternotes
7-12-16
I just can't believe the coffee shop didn't work.
I can't stop crying over it. I should've tried harder
Yes, you should've. It fell apart in your hands. I hate this town!
I'll do anything to get it back. I feel so worthless with out it.
Well... on the upside, we can go back to 40 hour workweeks.
Yes. We'll do better without it.

 

by Porternotes
7-22-16
So, let me get this straight. Donald Trump is the anti-Christ.
Yep. Mark of the Beast, 666, all that jazz.
Then why would conservative Christians support him?
They WANT the world to end. They're hastening the demise of humankind to bring about the second coming of the Messiah.
That seems pretty extreme.
You don't know extreme until you've mated a Scottish woman with a Jackal.

 

by Porternotes
7-28-16
Alright. It's done.
bloop blurp....fizzle...
I'm free. I can do whatever I want.
It's a beautiful day out there, and I never noticed it until now.

 

by Porternotes
7-28-16
Smell that fresh air!
Where are you going?
You know what, honey....? I don't know. I'm going to find myself.
Find yourself?! You'd better find your ass back in here.
Don't expect me back here anytime soon. I'm on a quest.
If you walk out on us now, you'd better plan to never come back.

 

by Porternotes
7-28-16
Tell the kids I love them. I'm off!
Son of a bitch!
You'll see. I'll be back a new me!
Bastard!
Hasta la Vista, Baby!
Asshole!

 

by Porternotes
7-28-16
The world is an amazing place and now I'm going to see it on my own terms.
How will I survive? How will I eat? Where will I sleep?
To Hell with it! I'll find my way. I'm a free man. LOOK OUT WORLD!

 

by Porternotes
7-28-16
One of the creators on SC has decided to call it quits.
That's too bad. Why?
I don't know exactly. He said something about not being funny enough.
Did he make funny comics?
Well, he made a lot of comics.
You guys are vicious.

 

by Porternotes
7-28-16
What? Yeah, yeah he was funny. It's not all about being funny, though.
Oh?
Yeah, sometimes it's about telling a story.
Do they need to be a funny story?
Well, it would help...
So there it is.

 

by Porternotes
7-28-16
We're actually a pretty supportive group on SC.
Who are letting one of your guys just walk away.
I said something to him on one of his strips.
Was it supportive.
Yeah, and I didn't even try to be funny.
I've read your comics, I don't think being unfunny is much of a stretch for you.

Showing page 8.

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