All comics by Ranger77

Profile

 

by Ranger77
9-29-04
In the far East, a certain sect of Monks often tested their faith by tracking, and staring down, tigers.
This proved their determination and faith, by tempting death with incredible resolve.
Here in America, some Monks still practice this technique in a less dangerous way: with common domestic cats....
Dude, will you PLEASE stop looking at me so I can lick my ass.

 

by Ranger77
10-08-04
Got a resume today. You might be interested. It's for that new Communications Manager in my department.
Ok.
She states she just published a book on "Modern interactive messenging technologies and their importance in daily communications and thought dissemination."
So, let me guess....she's one of those idiots that wrote a book on how to set up a blog.
Got it in one!
Not hard...I learned resumespeak long ago....

 

by Ranger77
10-09-04
Day 2: I'm spending a few days assimiliating into society before I make my move on the Defender's League. Again, seeming normal in this human body is key to my success.
Excuse me. Is your cab for hire? I need to go to Orchard Lake Road.
Uh...ok.
Is something wrong?
Well no....it's just that I don't see any distrust or suspicion in your eyes.
It's a bit tougher than I thought.
Uh....why should you see that? We're all Americans right and....
ALIEN! HE'S AN ALIEN! WE'VE BEEN INVADED BY POD PEOPLE!!!

 

by Ranger77
10-10-04
Man, those right wing nuts just don't get it. No one wants to be a slave to multinational corporations.
Tell me about it. Gun nuts and naive corporate consumers...that's not a way to live.
I'm going to get a smoke. You coming?
Hold on, let me frag this asshole that's been nailing me with the chaingun. We got any Mountain Dew left....?

 

by Ranger77
10-10-04
You have to stop being cynical. All of the policies of the Bush Administration are in the best interests of the country.
I'm not sure if that's true....
"ATTENTION: ALL OF YOUR JOBS ARE BEING SENT TO INDIA SO THAT WE CAN CUT COSTS, AVOID PRIVACY REGULATIONS AND FEED MY RETIREMENT PLANS. PLEASE TRAIN YOUR REPLACEMENT ON YOUR WAY OUT."
Guess I may have to cancel that trip to Virginia to see the 700 Club live.
Whatever. I don't even work here.

 

by Ranger77
10-10-04
Ivy asked me to talk to you about the Communications Manager position in her department.
Quite honestly I'm not impressed by a book about how to make a blog. Blogging is pretty simple dont you think?
Uh...ok.
My next book is about body language.

 

by Ranger77
10-12-04
Finally....I managed to get inside the Defender's League ground based headquaters. I really used my infiltration skills this time....
Excuse me your front door was open so I decided to stop in. Can I have a tour of your facilities?
Yeah. I guess.
Umm....can I also see your orbital headquarters as well?
Sure, whatever. I'll have to get someone to take you up.
Obviously this was some sort of trick to get me to reveal my true intentions.....
Er....How come you can't take me there? You're some kind of "space hero" right?
I'm not allowed to. Now can we just drop it, ok? Follow me. No flash photography and if you break it you buy it.

 

by Ranger77
10-14-04
I read this interesting article in the local "alternative paper."
That's pretty radical of you.
It was about the way men objectify women through advertising and the media in general. Really made me think.
Wow...if it affected you like that I should probably take a look myself. What page is the story on?
Somewhere in the middle near the phone sex ads. It's on the same page as the dance club pic with the big boobed girl. If you hit the escort and incall massage ads you've gone too far.
Got it.

 

by Ranger77
10-21-04
Recently, we've been accused of being very cynical and negative.
In the interests of equal time, we here at Ranger's World have pledged to give those we've ridculed an equal say. First up.....Microsoft.
Windows r00lz!
Where do you want to go today!
To be totally honest, I think that really sucked ass.
Yes, but it was fair and balanced ass sucking. What's the deal with Gates and the baby anyway?

 

by Ranger77
10-24-04
Finally! Now to find the keys and get out of here. This was so easy. Those 'superheores' aren't very smart at all. Such morons.....
*ahem*
I was thinking out loud wasn't I?
You'd be surprised how often that happens around here. Now, don't tense up. This will hurt more if you tense up.

 

by Ranger77
10-30-04
I think I got my first real taste of corporate logic during a job I held during summer break.....
Ms. Carson, the tractor caught on fire. Don't worry though, I put it out with fire extinguisher.
Not the one mounted on the side, Ranger?
Such exposure can be REAL devastating to a 17 year old....
Well, yeah. I thought that was what it was there for.
. . . .
Yeah, she was eventually promoted....and made the head of the OSHA committee.
It was a pretty big fire that flared up quickly. It was real close to the fuel depot when it did and....
Ranger, do you realize it costs us $25 to refill that extinguisher.....

 

by Ranger77
11-01-04
True, insightful and profound wisdom can be found on Yahoo Forums....
You wouldn't have these problems if you used Linux. It's immune to Winbloze viruses, it's free and only a fool gives money to Bill Gates. Fight the power....go to LINUX!!
Ummm....I think this forum is about the current situation in Iraq.
If Linux was a woman I'd kiss her with my tongue and have her make me pie.
. . . .

 

by Ranger77
11-02-04
D&G Exit Poll Results....Bush: 49% Kerry: 49% Smythe: 2%
Now remember these numbers aren't official. They're just estimations from out own polling evals run through our Artificial Intelligence systems.
Hey look at that! I've got two percent of the vote.
D&G Exit Poll Results....Bush: 49% Kerry: 49% Smythe: 2%
I'm amazed, Bick. You might even nudge out Nader.
Yeah, BABY! They called me crazy for going after the under 18 vote. Hah! That'll show them.
ADJUSTED D&G Exit Poll Results....Bush: 50% Kerry: 50% Smythe: (don't ask)
*sigh* I wonder if Fox News is hiring.
Oh, what the fuck!

 

by Ranger77
11-02-04
No election problems? Well....
You're not supposed to be here!
You are unfair influence go away!
You go away!
You now go away!
I kinda arranged a confrontation between a GOP voter challenger and an International Observer.
Nice. $20 says the foreigner swings first....

 

by Ranger77
11-03-04
So you've developed a scanner that can reveal the unspoken words and hidden feelings of people? Pretty scary, Ivy.
Everyone needs a hobby. Anyway, I used it on the Kerry concession speech and the Bush victory thing today. Look at the Kerry scan....
Just regret and disappointment. Sad.
The Bush scan was a bit more telling. I actually got clear data off the part about reaching out to those who voted against him.
"How you like me now, bitches?"
Evidently Bush's inner voice sounds like a old school rapper circa 1994. Interesting, huh?

 

by Ranger77
11-04-04
Okay people, with the election behind us we have to redouble our efforts on the War on Terror.
YESSIR!!
I know we've had our share of foul ups. Abu Ghraib, Iraq, the inability to catch Bin Laden. We have to have results people, no more embarrassments.
Umm....sir....?
AP - Nov 4, 2004
So can you tell me why that F-16 attacked a school house in New Jersey?
Come on dude....you ever BEEN to New Jersey?!

 

by Ranger77
11-06-04
So that's it. I'm just here for the keys I left in the ship. I'm not part of some alien invasion.
Pretty strange story. We'll have to check it out.
Doesn't matter now. The astral transferrence is becoming permanent. Looks like I'm stuck being a human.
Sucks to be you, I suppose. So what did you do with your alien body anyway?
These Putt Putt courses are getting weirder all the time. How the hell am I suppose to get a ball in there?

 

by Ranger77
11-06-04
But....
Young one....you must go on. Learn from your mistakes and use the lesson to be more wise in the future.
Another "Rock the Vote" refugee?
Yep. Tenth one today. Grief counseling is a pretty good racket but it gets a bit depressing after awhile.

 

by Ranger77
11-08-04
As you might have heard, as of today Bickley Smith and myself have resigned from D&G. The failure of Bick's run at the presidency has taught us that we must pursue other ventures.
We've thought long and hard about this. We're confident that our newest venture is original, creative, innovative and more importantly, profitable.
We aren't going to say much about it now but....
Hey Trevor, how about we charge $35 a month! Other online RPGs may be cheaper but we've got synergy!!

 

by Ranger77
11-10-04
The monks are off today so instead we're featuring their cats: Alexander and Hannibal!
You're high.
No, I'm not.
I can see it in your eyes. You've been doin' the Nip again haven't you? You know you degrade us all when you take that stuff.
Aw come on....it was from Thailand. Thai Catnip! It would have been a crime not to at least try it. Now help me get to the box. This stuff makes you pee like a lynx.
Can you wait just a few minutes I got something to do outside....
That's bullshit. I'm degrading us all and you're content licking your ass in public every 30 minutes. I'm not the one with the problem my friend....

 

by Ranger77
11-10-04
Hey guys its me again. Just wanted to express my sympathies about the recent election. You guys didn't fare too well.
Yeah. We're doing some rethinking. We need to connect to the people a bit more and maybe tone down the Hollywood and fringe elements of our party.
Really?
Well, maybe....we have to clear it with Babs first.

 

by Ranger77
11-12-04
So when's the invasion. We must prepare the team to repel....
There isn't going to be an invasion. The alien forgot a set of keys here in the ship. By the way, during the LAST invasion how many aliens did you actually see?
I'm not exactly sure. I....
You saw two. TWO aliens. There was never an invasion. It was only something the alien's leader called his "Master Plan."
Aha! Master Plan, eh? I knew they....
Calm down, tiger. The master plan was to come to earth, say the ship was stolen and report the loss to his insurance company. Evidently he had too many miles on this thing....

 

by Ranger77
11-12-04
"EEEEEEOOOOOOOOHHHHHH.....!"
You guys can't be serious.
Market research shows that consumers are looking for the next Everquest.
"YAAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGLFFFF....!"
Trevor there's a glut of crap in online gaming right now. Most MMORPGs are just glorified chat rooms with some rat killing to break up the monotony.
You must never undersestimate the consumer. Bick's working on an excellent idea. We're pretty confident.
"AAAAAAYYYYYOOOOOOOOOO......"
Hold on a minute....Who the FUCK is playing Ashlee Simpson! I'm trying to have a conversation here!
Is that what that is? I thought someone was killing a cat.

 

by Ranger77
11-14-04
You know, that last strip was a pretty cheap shot at Ashlee Simpson.
Right. No matter how cynical we are about hype, the media and how a person who really can't sing can become a pop star, it was a bit brutal.
http://mtpdist.com/ashleydance/
To rectify this we invite those viewing this strip to check out the website above.
The Ranger's World crew feels this excellent site best displays Ashlee's talents as a singer and dancer.
I hope you all are not infected by the rabid cynicism we displayed recently.
Of course, we still think TRL is a plot by Scientologists to dumb down the minds of its viewers for the purposes of achieving global supremacy, but that's just our opinion.

 

by Ranger77
11-14-04
Dude, check out that Persian. Damn, that's one FINE pussy. Got to get me some of that!
Eh, she's ok.
Ok? OK??!? What are you talking about....oops.
Dude, I'm sorry. I forgot.
I didn't. I'm going to get high now.

 

by Ranger77
11-18-04
We here at UPN are saddened that ABC would use sex to sell something as sacred as Monday Night Football. Such practices are deceptive and distracting.
For that reason, we've decided to simply offer a topless woman jumping up and down for 30 seconds randomly during our viewing schedule.
Whoa!
Look for "Tittie Jiggle" soon and remember: "UPN....Yeah we did it. So?"

 

by Ranger77
11-19-04
I'm not understanding what you're telling me at all.
*sigh* Essentially you were duped into stealing something that belonged to someone else using violence. "Carjacking" really, only with aliens and a spaceship.
You're a pretty negative person, you know that don't you?
Yep....and FYI, the toilet on deck three is regurgitating green alien poop all over the place. Have a nice day.

 

by Ranger77
11-20-04
Look Bick, come back to D&G. I'll step down from being CEO. This online gaming thing of yours is going to fail. The market is saturated.
Oh no it isn't my aquatic friend. This is going to be big. Imagine a medievel/fantasy setting....dragons, magic items....just like the old D&D games.
You've lost it haven't you.
We'll have elves and horses in the expansion pack!

 

by Ranger77
11-24-04
Being a monk can be frustrating....especially when these college boys come to us because they think we have "magic powers" to attract women.
Really?
Yep, all the time. I tell them monks are good listeners and women really get into that. We also have been trained to be very attentive in the tantric arts to satisfy a woman sexually.
Wow, I didn't know that. Is that why I see you guys with beautiful women all the time.
Sort of. My silver Mercedes SL 500 over there helps a bit too.
Sweet.

 

by Ranger77
11-25-04
ALERT.....ALERT....ALERT....ALERT....
I heard about it a few minutes ago. This is bad. Very bad.
I can't believe they actually are trying to pull this off.
ALERT.....ALERT....ALERT....ALERT....
This may be the single most diabolical thing DEMONient has ever done. It could affect millions.
Just goes to show you that they haven't reformed and the innocent will surely suffer. Captain Justice is looking at the tape now....
ALERT.....ALERT....ALERT....ALERT....
Yes.....the DEMONient Platinum VISA card and its 5% APR....forever!!! . Because when you do bad things, no one accepts American Express.
Those fiends!!

 

by Ranger77
11-26-04
AP - Nov 26, 2004
So, uh, Holly. You were one of the kids who sang the chorus of Pink Floyd's classic "Another Brick in the Wall."
Damn straight. An' I'm lookin' for the money that's owed t'me. It's only fair.
Why now. I'm mean it's been over thirty years.
Justice has no sense of time, gov. 'Sides your people is still lookin for 40 acres and a mule.
Ok....we'll just forget the comparison of slavery to singing with Roger Waters for the sake of argument....what are you doing anyway?
Me and the lads got a reunion tour and a book coming out. Gotta practice our dance routine....I'm an artist dammit!

 

by Ranger77
11-27-04
Well at least he's taking this pretty well. A little time off will do him good.
Didn't even occur to me that he might be slightly insane. I guess the election stressed him out.
Come on, Trevor....you should have known when he wanted to create yet ANOTHER online game.
Yeah. In hindsight I see you're right. No one in their right mind would do a fantasy based MMORPG right now.
By the way, I hear World of Warcraft is out.
Way ahead of you. Just opened my account last night.

 

by Ranger77
12-06-04
As you can see this new credit card scheme from DEMONient is just a ploy to take over the financial industry.
Uh....Captain. Did we really need a THREE hour Powerpoint presentation to get your point across?
Yes. We did. Evil has a new face and we have to face it head on. There's a question in the back....?
I propose we take a more stealth like approach and research this new tactic for about six months. That way, when we attack, it will ensure our success.
Nice try. I saw their latest "6 months same as cash" promotion too AND your new George Foreman Mega Grill....
Shit.

 

by Ranger77
12-07-04
AP (via Yahoo) - Dec 6, 2004
Yeah, I got me one of them Hardees "Thickburgers" today. A half pound of meat, three slices of cheese, four strips of bacon and extra mayo. It was goooood. *hic*
Sounds pretty filling. You don't eat like that all the time, do you?
Naw. Not since the doctor told me my cholesterol was up. Now I only eat like that three times a week.
Well at least you're cutting back.
Yep. Doc says that soon, I'll stop emitting body fat and staining the walls like in this here room.
I wondered why it smelled like french fries in here.....

 

by Ranger77
12-07-04
It's official. You can call me DOCTOR Alexander now. I just got my PhD.
Interesting. May I ask from where?
http://www.trinitysouthernuniversity.org
Trinity Southern University in Texas. I used my experience with you to gain a Doctorate in Religious Studies. All in three weeks.
Aren't these the folks who were sued for fraud recently?
It's unfair persecution. Just because a university is run by three guys doesn't mean they're involved in anything illegal.
I suppose. The fact that they also sold cell phones too, admittedly, shows a sense of style.

 

by Ranger77
12-08-04
Here's Eugene...Live from Pakistan!
Recently this comic took more than a few swipes at MMORPGs. Yes, Galaxies is weak, Lineage is pretty inaccessible and Everquest is cool if you want to kill rats.....
And granted, some gamers are more passionate than others. We should, however embrace MMORPGs as examples of innovation and borderless communications. It's really about community!
And if we wish to spend $20 a month trying to get our virtual rocks off with an elven maiden who may not be female and gank some n00bs in the process, so be it.
I'm beginning to see why they outsourced your job here AND sent you with it.

 

by Ranger77
12-09-04
A day in the life of our resident monks....
I'm sorry. I know its weird but something is wrong. I just can't put my finger on it.
It's ok. I understand.
I'm going to get something to drink. I'll be back.
Take your time, I'll be here.
I told you it was my turn this week. Now we're in sitcom mode. We are SO busted.
Calm down. I'll just blame it own my spiritual aura or something. Now get the hell out of here before she gets back.

 

by Ranger77
12-12-04
If you haven't noticed, our cynical kid is not in the strip today. Unfortunately he's been ordered a day or so of bed rest.
It seems in researching a topic to make fun of this week, he came across an issue of this month's Oprah Magazine.
Reportedly the article contained an interview with Sean Penn which called him "one of the greatest actors of this generation."
The paramedics said the hysterical fit that followed was fairly typical after reading ANY article about Mr. Penn. Strange that....
So, look for Kid 28 to be back soon. We regret no topically relevant pop culture icons were picked on this week.
And remember if you must read Oprah Magazine, please use a condom.

 

by Ranger77
12-15-04
Captain J is pretty upset about DEMONient's latest scheme.
I have to admit it's pretty bold: an evil organization offering a low interest credit card is pretty ballsy.
I just saw their new commercial with Paris Hilton. She actually said "Put some evil in your pants and suck it..." What the hell does that mean?
You can hurt yourself trying to understand Paris Hilton. I thought the one with Rush Limbaugh was worse.
So, uh, did you ....?
Apply for the card? At those rates, fuck yeah!

 

by Ranger77
12-18-04
Because of that hysterical fit he had recently, "Kid 28" needed some rehabilitative therapy....
Ok, here we go. Sensitive moronic 'has been' who shouldn't have made a come back.
Who is Phil Donahue?
Correct. Created in 1966 this strange "holiday" with derivative influences from other religions is marketed as culture even though no one celebrates it outside New York City.
What is Kwanzaa?
To be continued....
Good. Arrogant dangerous son of a bitch with no clue. Hint: it's not Larry Ellison.
Who is Donald Rumsfeld? Come on, get to the hard stuff....

 

by Ranger77
12-19-04
I really appreciate the Father's offer to join the Inter-Faith Council.
He IS rather fond of you and your brother but he is a bit concerned about rumors he's heard regarding "get rich quick schemes".
Ah. Yes.
Um....yeah.
How's the bingo take lately?
A bit down due to the holidays. We're looking forward to "Vegas Night" and the Texas Hold-Em competition in January though.

 

by Ranger77
12-19-04
A break from the action and a moment of silence for the great Todd McFarlane whose comic themed company just declared Bankruptcy.
Yeah, right.....Like Toddy-boy can't just pull $15M from his wallet. Geez.

 

by Ranger77
12-20-04
Therapy continues....
You're doing real good. Let's continue. Cute pop singer with stinky feet who'll be divorced next year.
Who is Britney Spears?
Correct. An evil elixir, distilled from the bowels of the underworld.
What is Diet Coke?
Right. The solution for any major indiscretion, crime, felony or otherwise embarrasing, shameless and/or illegal act.
Umm....I'm going to say "What is a book deal?" , but I'm guessing it could also be "What is a TV Movie?" or "What is hosting your own Talk Show?"

 

by Ranger77
12-22-04
Hey youngster, I don't 'preciate what you said about Kwanzaa. You've lost touch, man. Probably didn't support Sharpton either.
I tend not to let my opinions be guided by sports stars, culture marketeers or the latest non-singing wonder who puts out an album and has a clothing line.
I have to admit that was a bit over the top, even for you.
Yeah, but I'd say you're back to normal.
Yep. Sarcasm keeps me warm, my friend. Warm and toasty.

 

by Ranger77
12-25-04
Attention all Defenders League members. I'm happy to announce that OMNIBUS, our new sentient computer is online. This new addition to our team will ensure we triumph over evil.
**HELLO. I AM OMNIBUS. I LOOK FOWARD TO WORKING WITH YOU.**
OMNUBUS performs millions of calculations per millisecond. He is hooked into every Law Enforcement database in the world. He is GPS aware and has links into the highly classified Echelon system....
***YOU ARE IN FRONT OF A WHITE HOUSE WITH A MAILBOX. THE DOORS ARE LOCKED. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?****
Uhhh....And he can run a session of Zork using an emulator I downloaded last night. Any questions?

 

by Ranger77
12-27-04
It is said that some of the more obscure Asiatic Orders were very secretive and monks communicated in highly specialized and compilcated codephrases....
Red, 19.
Brown, 24.
Business suit, D.
Jeans, B.
Ha! Made you look! I win. Pantyhose and a bit of leg are truly your weakness, brother.
Dammit! Best two out of three....

 

by Ranger77
12-28-04
Today's top story: A blizzard that will lay down at least TWO inches in our viewing area. Our SPECIAL TACTICAL STORM TEAM coverage begins now!
Chuck, this sudden blizzard means that some people might have a hard time getting to work tomorrow like Bill Jones of Canton....
Ummm...I might have a hard time getting to work tommorrow.
Next up, our SUPERDIMENSIONAL DOPPLER X6000 forecast and analysis from our WHITE DRAGON NINJA METEOROGISTS. And later, more people died in Iraq or something....

 

by Ranger77
12-28-04
Well that's it. OMNIBUS has been mirrored here on the orbital station. I really don't like the idea of having an AI around.
Yes. But as the Defender's League IT staff we have to maintain it. You haven't heard the worst part yet.
What....that this thing could do a HAL 9000 and go insane? Yeah, I've thought of that.
Not even close. OMNIBUS is still experimental and occasionally leaks coolant. Also it fries some of its motherboards into goo daily and they have to be changed.
Wait a minute....you mean this thing poops and pees and WE have to take care of it!?
You know, I saw this infomercial last night that says we can make millions selling stuff on eBay....

 

by Ranger77
12-30-04
Welcome back, Iggis. So what did you learn on your survellance mission to Earth?
I primarily did research on this fascinating religion called Scientology created by a science fiction writer who thought starting a religion could be a lucrative business.
The belief is based on these invisible deceased space beings who are responsible for human negative feelings. You have to pay to get rid of them.
Come on, Tony. They get tax breaks! You believe me don't you?
Iggis. Dude. The next time you decide to make up shit for da boss, at least put some effort into it. Whattaya, stupid?

 

by Ranger77
12-31-04
I was thinking that for our 400th comic we should do something different....explore some deep philisophical stuff.
Hmm....maybe something about dualism? Yin and Yang, Chaos and Order that sort of thing? Maybe use some subtle imagery....
It would probably suck.
Yep, it would. You know, someone actually paid $455 for water from a cup Elvis drank from in 1977....

Showing page 8.

« Previous Next »