All comics by TheGovernor

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by TheGovernor
8-21-07
Ok House we've done the differential diagnosis and as usual everyone thinks differently, I say we do a tox screen and a lumbard puncture
I say we test for Lupus because the writer seems to like that word, and even though it doesn't fit it sounds really medically.
I think we should run an EKG or test for allergies
Actually I thought we could wait for forty minutes into the episode as anything we do before that is bound to fail, and anything after will be right. Plus Im the main character so Im always right.

 

by TheGovernor
11-11-07
Rememer the time you sent me to teach humanity to be good and to respect one another and live in peace?
Alright you can have that Magdelene chick over tonight and I'll make myself scarce.

 

by TheGovernor
12-07-07
Another beer please barman
Coming right up sir, would you like a weighted companion cube with that?

 

by TheGovernor
1-09-08
Eww, God Damn it
Whats up?
Why is there tomato ketchup all over my mouse?
I was trying out a piece of software that was open sauce!

 

by TheGovernor
1-09-08
Ok, I understand the ketchup, but why then is there mayonnaise all over the keyboard?
You understand the ketchup? What's it telling you right now?
*sigh*
No, seriously I want to know

 

by TheGovernor
1-09-08
You didn't answer my question. Why is there mayonnaise all over the keyboard?
Well firstly keeping naked photo's of yourself in your documents folder is simply asking for trouble, and secondly..
..that's not mayo

 

by TheGovernor
1-09-08
So I got a Rubik's cube last year for my birthday. After practicing for a while, I was really proud that I could solve it in under three minutes.
Then I met a guy who could solve it in under a minute using only his feet.
He couldn't beat my masturbation time however.

 

by TheGovernor
1-29-08

 

by TheGovernor
1-30-08
Ok, so if a thousand monkey's typed at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years, they would produce Hamlet eventually. How many do you think it would take to write Rambo Four?
Probably about two
...So then in act three John Rambo enters the Forest with an atomic bomb strapped to his back and the presidents daughter under one arm and a FIM 92 Surface to air missile in his left hand.
Ok, but can we put the battle with the Militant Buddha Ninjas with the laser swords in Scene Seven?
But thats still one more than Bush uses to write the State of the Union.

 

by TheGovernor
2-01-08
..So then I said "If you had to squeeze a large oval object out of your arse every bloody day, wouldn't you want to walk that shit off afterwards? That's why I'm crossing the god damn road"
Woo!
This Bill Chicks is alright, but I think I liked Gilbert Goatfried more
I prefered Eddie Moophy

 

by TheGovernor
2-05-08
Today is the day when most of the nation faces a difficult decision
A day when two main candidates come to the forefront to fight a tight race to win over the minds of the people
Though personally I've already decided I'll be choosing Lemon Juice rather than Syrup on my pancakes today

 

by TheGovernor
2-13-08
Congratulations President Obama on winning the election, if there's anything we can do for you, just ask.
What's the hell is that smell?
Oh, thats just the stench of corruption from the Bush administration, if you leave the windows open it should clear in about six months
Ok, but what about these white stains on the Oval office carpet?
They're leftover from the Clinton administration, no cleaning products will shift them.

 

Oh Crap, Im falling, somebody HELP, please for the love of god prop me up or something. Shit, there's no-one around, AGGGHHHHH!!!!
by TheGovernor, 2-13-08

 

by TheGovernor
2-26-08
Hey Brian how did the fetish session with Mistress Tanya go?
We watched all three Smokey and the Bandit films, and she stuck her tongue in my ear everytime Snowman said 'Ten-Four' on the radio
I thought you went to her for some really kinky stuff, Why did you do end up doing that?
Well we both made a list of all the things we wanted to do, and then compared
Turns out she is a lowest common denominatrix

 

by TheGovernor
2-28-08
On behalf of the Federation, Id like to personally welcome the planet of voluptuous maidens into our club. Now shall we get on with the mating rituals?
Ok, but do you have protection?
Mr Spock could you please beam me down a packet of your condoms
Are you sure they are safe?
They should be, they're made from Vulcanised Rubber

 

by TheGovernor
3-10-08
Welcome to Squishy Burger, how may I help you?
Well I live my life by the roll of the dice, but only have my trusty D100 on me. Ok If I throw 1 I'll have the Squishy burger and fries, if I throw 2 I'll get the McSquishy with cheese ....
later..
...If I throw 99 I'll get the Mega Squishy Burger without gurkins but with added mayo, and If I throw 100 I'll just take a diet sprite. Ok here goes..
Well
What was 67 again?

 

by TheGovernor
3-19-08
Im telling you mike you've placed it on the wrong side. Widescreen televisions are supposed to be longest side down

 

by TheGovernor
3-25-08
McCain
As the rebublican candidate I gain plus 20 Evil, Plus 5 conservative values, I get the War Veteran bonus and Im also described as a maverick, so thats minus 5 party values but plus 3 Independance
Clinton
As prospective Democratic nominee and former first lady I have plus 10 Whitehouse bonus, Plus 30 womens issues, minus 10 silly husband, but I gain plus 5 hillbilly, I also get 10% Novelty value
Obama
Me? Ive got plus 50 ethnic bonus!

 

by TheGovernor
3-25-08
So anyways I was walking along here last week when this golf ball hits me smack bang in my right boob
That was me, sorry
Nah its alright, although it has left an unsightly depression in my silicon implants, do you want to feel it?
Sure, but let me first hit this ball onto the putting green.
Kaufman fore press her dent!

 

by TheGovernor
4-05-08
Since neither candidate for the Democratic nomination has gained enough delegate votes in the Primaries, we have decided to instigate the parties' Plan B
Alright, this is what Ive been waiting for. Im taking you down Hilary!
Bring it on Barack, I haven't had a good workout sice Lewinsky
Plan B consists of both candidates fighting to the death Star Trek style in the Ring of Pain until one nominee remains. Live coverage will begin shortly.
I approve this message!

 

by TheGovernor
4-23-08
So like, how do you want to do this?
Well I thought Id do the classic routine, you know, fly around a bit, breathing fire, scare a few villagers, then you come along and save the day
Sounds good, You sure you don't want a piece of England?
Nah, but when they make you saint just get me on the Welsh flag and we'll call it even.
So what's your plans for the future?
Well it is our last gig together, so I figured I'd retire to that lake in Scotland and make some money on the tourist trade.

 

by TheGovernor
4-24-08
When you think about it, Bees started disappearing around the time Mobile phones became popular
Surely it doesn't take a genius to realise what this means.
Int. Nokia Headquarters, Finland
We've shifted even more phones this quarter, profits are up again sir
See, I told you moving away from honey exports into the telecommunications sector was a good idea

 

by TheGovernor
4-28-08
Read any good books lately?
Well I was reading one about this guy who spends his entire life chasing after a big white whale only to lose everything and finally realise it was futile
Ahh you mean Moby Dick?
Nope..
It was Barack Obama's autobiography

 

by TheGovernor
4-28-08
CATHY!!!
HEATHCLIFF!!
OH CATHY!!
HEATHCLIFF!!!
You know you guys should really think about getting mobile phones or something.

 

by TheGovernor
5-12-08
Int. Board Room
Count Dooku, General Grievous, nice evil work, Anakin you need to apply yourself more in the next round, but Im going to have to get rid of one of you, and so Darth Maul, YOU'RE FIRED!!!
Damn it

 

by TheGovernor
5-13-08
Aww Damn it!
*BRAINNNS*...Wait, what's up Death?
You're classed as the living dead, and it is hard to clarify that on my income tax statement. I suppose I could mark you down as a capital asset but that means entering a higher tax bracket. *sigh*
You could put my soul down as an Involuntary Conversion and then make an Itemized deduction on any future zombies you claim which would exempt your liability.
Wow, how do you know so much ?
I bit an accountant last week. He tasted a little like chicken, but he did sort out my Estate Tax.

 

by TheGovernor
5-15-08
make.php {REQUEST_PANELS;
SQL_QUERY(ASIAN_GIRLS * 3);
Init_pun_filter('Sucky','Fie Dollar');}

 

by TheGovernor
5-28-08
Ok Mr Grapefruit, if you just step into the machine we will begin the test
Mew!
Great news, your CAT scan was negative!

 

by TheGovernor
5-28-08
*2048*
Finally my time machine is ready, now I can visit myself and correct my past mistakes.
*2008*
Hi, Im you from the future, and Im here to warn you not to go see Indiana Jones Four.
Why, will something terrible happen to me if I do?
Not really, its just unbelievably shit.

 

by TheGovernor
6-11-08
I iz a Kitteh, I luv feeshes...
I Haetz Mouzes
Hey what's up with Charlie?
Oh he's just training to become a LOL CAT.

 

by TheGovernor
7-02-08
Say Ernie, do you believe in Reincarnation?
Of course, theres like this Buddhist league table, live a good life and your soul will reincarnate into a better creature like a butterfly or something.
But what if I live a bad life?
Well your soul will probably come back as something much worse.
What like an American?
Precisely.

 

by TheGovernor
7-24-08
What cute cats you have Vanessa, aren't you a lovely kitty; "meow, meow"
Yes they're nice cats, though a bit sensitive at times
Aww I think they're great, especially the ginger one; "Meow, mew, Meow"
I can't believe she just called you a dog-faced cock whore, and I won't repeat what she said about your mother, what are you going to do about it Gerald?
The claws are out Dennis. The claws are out.

 

by TheGovernor
7-24-08
So I went to see Hamcock last night
Don't you mean Hancock, the superhero comedy starring Will Smith?
Squeel for me piggy, big willie style!
Oink
I know what I meant

 

by TheGovernor
7-28-08
Tom, why were you sticking your penis into that dogs mouth?
Scientology Katie, Scientology!
Ok, but why were you simultaneously giving a hand job to the paperboy?
Scientology!
and the fact my gran was shitting on your face?
Actually that one was just for kicks

 

by TheGovernor
7-30-08
Id like to thank all the artists who have donated to this gallery; Renoir, Turner, Van Gogh Mon..
Can I stop you there?
What's wrong?
Well its just some painters didn't really contribute anything to the opening of this gallery and you shouldn't thank them
Such as whom?
Monet's too tight to mention.

 

by TheGovernor
8-04-08
B.A. did you get the Eggs?
Sure did Hannibal, I pity the fool who messes with my poultry
Murdock did you get the sugar?
Right here
Ok, its in the oven at 350 degrees. It will take about 50 minutes
I love it when a flan comes together

 

by TheGovernor
8-04-08
Hey Faceman, have you configured that Cisco router to take a 10gig throughput
Working on it, though BA is out the back welding a network switch out of an old tractor and some telephone wire
Murdock, did you mangage to find some CAT-5 ethernet cable?
Just rigging it up now.
Welcome to workgroup A-Team
I love it when a lan comes together

 

by TheGovernor
8-04-08
So did you find them?
I told you I ain't getting on no plane to scotland fool
Its alright, Faceman and I managed to track down most of them.
Ock Ay!
Ahh Noo
I love it when a clan comes together!

 

by TheGovernor
8-04-08
Sure I'll go down on you, but only if you do my cock first
Umm, ok
Great, one moment
*cluck*

 

by TheGovernor
8-08-08
Ahh Captain, good to see you, I take it my shipment has arrived?
Yarr, indeed it be, If ye would follow I will take ye to it.
Whats this?
As ordered on the manifest, a cargo load full of the finest ointments available from the African coast
I asked for Slaves you idiot, not Salves

 

by TheGovernor
8-10-08
Ok, have you got the plan?
Loud and clear boss.
Later
Im done chief
What the hell is all this? Busty Sphinx Bitches Part Four, Cleopatra's Secret Love in? Hermaphrodite Egyptian Teenage Housewives?
I thought this is what you wanted?
I asked you to collect their First Born, not their first porn.

 

by TheGovernor
8-20-08
Sir, I have some questions about the safety and security of this Astute class nuclear submarine
What's troubling you Midshipman?
Well for a start why is there a dog running around the engine room?
He's our sub-woofer

 

by TheGovernor
9-19-08
Ahoy! Do you realise its talk like a pirate day?
Is it?
Yarr! So will ye be furnishing me with some pirate phrases ye salty sea dog?
Ok, well Ive just cloned that dvd boxset I borrowed from the library and now Im going to crack the copy protection on that new game I installed on my illegal copy of windows xp.
*sigh*
I'll set a jolly roger to the desktop background if you like?

 

by TheGovernor
9-25-08
You know Butch, you should really get with the whole social networking thing, its a great way to meet people. Why not get yourself a myspace or a facebook
hmm...
Ok, so apparantly I have to poke you a bit first, and we'll get to the book part later
Well it seemed to go alright, but I can't get her face to stay glued in here, and I don't think she's going to call, what with having no lips and that.
Perhaps this is why serial killers should stick with IRC

 

by TheGovernor
9-26-08
Hey Wedge Antilles, aren't you coming to help us shoot down the tie fighters
Sorry Luke, I don't really feel like it
Why not? Don't you want to help the rebellion fight against the empire?
Im just no longer interested in fighting them, you know what I mean?
I guess that makes you a 'rebel without a cause'

 

by TheGovernor
10-02-08
Hey Bull, I don't suppose you're on facebook?
Yep, you'd be amazed how many cows are on there.
Can I add you to my friends list?
I don't think so Matt.
Why not?
Im not sure I like the idea of you poking me.

 

by TheGovernor
10-02-08
The building has been evacuated but I must warn you the bomb has a tilt switch, the slightest vibration could set it off.
Don't worry, Winston the Flatulent German Bomb Defusing Pig is a professional.
Man das vas zer gut chilli cabbage. Now back to ze verk.

 

by TheGovernor
10-07-08
Hello Senator McCain
Hello President Bush sir.
Say John, which state did you say that chick you've got running for VP was from?
Alaska
Ok you best go do that

 

by TheGovernor
10-20-08
Someones been snitching to the cops. It appears we have a rat in the organisation
What are we going to do boss?
Hey has anyone seen fat tony?
yeah that heiffer ain't been around
mighty suspicious!

 

by TheGovernor
10-20-08
Hey Boss, Horse-faced Jimmy is refusing to fix the 3.10 race at Haydock
Make him an offer he can't refuse
OH MY GOD!!!
Im sorry Cudfather, I'll do as you ask

Showing page 8.

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