All comics by agnt_M

Profile

 

by agnt_M
8-31-03
Queena says hi.
I thought she hated me.
She doesn't hate you.
She looks at me funny.
You think everyone looks at you funny.
They do. Everyone looks at me funny.

 

by agnt_M
8-31-03
So anyway, how long has it been since you called me? Almost a year?
Cyd
Yeah?
The last time I called you, you showed up in pyjamas.
Oh. Right. Remember that cuuuute waiter guy?
Yes. Cyd you jumped over a table at Denny's to talk to that guy, remember?

 

by agnt_M
8-31-03
Ok. So anyway. We need to define some terms to our meetings.
What terms?
I was thinking along the lines of, 'no small german girls spilling In-N-Out all over the backseat of my car while I'm driving them home.'
I thought you liked her!
I did. But if I had to hear about her ass, her dress, or her problems with any one of five guys one more time, my head was gonna explode.
Yeah, like I don't know what *that* feels like.

 

by agnt_M
8-31-03
That so did not just sound right.
Whatever. Can I have the car keys? I need to change out of this skirt.
Cyd, you just put the skirt on an hour ago.
It's riding up.
The car keys stay with me. Besides, I don't see a problem wi--
I am not letting you watch me change!

 

by agnt_M
8-31-03
Shanez? What's up?
Nooooothing. What are you doing?
What are youuuuu doing?
What ar--hey I'm out with my cousin right now, I'll call you right back.
K.
>click<

 

by agnt_M
8-31-03
Four Hours Later...

 

by agnt_M
8-31-03
Aw fuckit.

 

by agnt_M
8-31-03
Shanez. It's Brian. You wanna get some coffee.

 

by agnt_M
8-31-03
A few days later...
Shanez. Shanez you suck.
RRRRRRRIIIING!
Hello Brian? It's Shanez. Is everything ok? You wanna get some coffee? We should get coffee. Call me. Brian? Are you there? Brian answer your phone! Do you wanna get some coffee?

 

by agnt_M
8-31-03
Rrrrrrrrrr-ed-heads have Rrrrrrrrr-i-d-ges.

 

by agnt_M
9-02-03
She just IMed you.
Block her.
She just emailed you.
Fuck... Block the email.
You know, for someone who wanted you to leave her alone, she sure tries to contact you a lot.

 

by agnt_M
9-02-03
Block her from every address and screename I have.
Done.
Dude. Why can't I get this kind of treatment from girls who actually like me?
The same reason your ex still wears everything you bought her and stares at you at school.

 

by agnt_M
9-04-03
Jesus fuck it's early. What the hell time is it?
It is 5:53 am.
Fuck. I have court.
Is this about the indecent exposure thing?
No, I have traffic court--what 'indecent exposure' thing?
Nevermind.

 

by agnt_M
9-04-03
You know, I've been thinking a lot. I don't need a girlfriend. I need a 'life partnerâ„¢'
Oh no. No this again. It's too early. Go get dressed, you're going to be late for court.
...I am dressed. No, seriously. I need a life partner. I mean, I don't get lonely really, as much as I get sick of not just having someone around. It's nice, you know...
OH! OH! SO *I* AM NOT ENOUGH? THANKS!
I didn't mean it like that... You can be so irrational sometimes.
Whatever dude. You're the guy talking to a computer.

 

by agnt_M
9-04-03
I think I scared The Greek Dramaâ„¢ today.
Why, what'd you do to her.
Well, I sort of got up really fast from the caffee, and more-or-less jogged in the general direction she was walking. Then I called her name.
...Right...
Then I ran out of shit to say, mumbled something about going to my car and ran off that way.
You're sure you're going to court about a traffic violation?

 

by agnt_M
9-04-03
And the worst part about the whole thing, she had some chick with her, so basically I've looserized myself in front of two attractive women...
...Definately not an original occurrence...
So basically, my options are slimming down to whats-her-name, and that cute chick on crutches who hangs out at the caffee all the time
'M--
What?
--You gotta get out more, man.

 

by agnt_M
9-04-03
I know. But it's hard to meet people here.
You said you met a lot of people just a little while ago...
Yeah. That one raised truck that tried to run me off the road, that socio-syphallitic bitch Julie, and that one chick who kept inviting me over when she was drunk then told me I was in love with her.
Let's not forget Jenna.
If you ever say that name again, I will dismantle you.
Still bitter?

 

by agnt_M
9-04-03
Basically, my entire dating life consists of women who would rather get drunk alone, or with other women, than call me.
What about Candi?
She invites me over to cook dinner for her and her roommate, forgets to mention the other guy that's staying there, passes out on the couch and then tells people that I tried to have sex with her.
Did you?
Duuuude. "C-a-n-d-i" is "VD" spelled backwards.
Ooh! Ooh! I like this game!

 

by agnt_M
9-04-03
I've been through my Rolodex three times. There's nothing in there anymore.
Stop tearing cards out.
People make me tear them out. They say things like "you're in love with me" or "cook me and my boyfriend dinner" or "come to this interesting job-opportunity seminar, $49.95 to start"
I think you need to switch schools.
Then my ex IMs me about her strep throat, her grandfather, and her new cat.
I think you have "Become Your Girlfriend's Girlfriendâ„¢" syndrome.

 

by agnt_M
9-06-03
Jewel... On behalf of the men in America, thank you for the whole image-makeover thing you're doing right now.
Now if you'd just fix your teeth.
Thanks.

 

by agnt_M
9-06-03
Hey Shervin, have you heard the new BT cd yet?
Yep. He's blowing up, finally. Just like I predicted. BT is such a good DJ, but he never got as big as Paul van Dyk, or Darude. It's like I've been saying, classically trained musicians just make--
I've been listening to BT since Orbital was formed.
Yes, but how long have you listened to Orbital?
Years.
Well obviously, your taste sucks.

 

by agnt_M
9-06-03
Dude. That girl in our class, Sunnie? I think I'm scaring her.
Why?
Because she was kicking me without realizing it, so I grabbed her foot, and she FLIPPED OUT.
Right. But she was kicking your leg.
I know. Then I was trying to figure out what her toering was, so I started messing with it, and she flipped out again.
Dude. She's French-Canadian. What did you expect.

 

by agnt_M
9-06-03
M, did you see last week's Sex and the City?
No.
I thought you loved that show.
Let's not get into it.
Did you see the week before last?
No. I don't have cable. And stop asking.

 

by agnt_M
9-06-03
Dude, have you seen Pyle?
I think she went to class.
Haha ha
Heh-heh he-heh
No, but really. Where is she?

 

by agnt_M
9-07-03
Aqua Lounge... Is that like a cheap ripoff of Liquid Lounge?
Two draught glasses of Guiness--$0.00.
Watching your friends Newcastle, and trying to convince them to try the Calamari, $7.00.
No. Still can't remember the name of the club. It's in Santa Monica though.
Knowing people who know the owners of clubs... Priceless.

 

by agnt_M
9-07-03
Aqua Lounge... Is that like a cheap ripoff of Liquid Lounge?
Two draught glasses of Guiness--$0.00.
Watching your friends drink Newcastle, and trying to convince them to try the Calamari, $7.00.
No. Still can't remember the name of the club. It's in Santa Monica though.
Knowing people who know the owners of clubs... Priceless.

 

by agnt_M
9-07-03
Dude... Ben. So you know who here?
The guitarist. And the vocalist... Sort of. Actually, she reminds me of Peabody. Oh. And one of the owners.
Where's Kevin?
I dunno dude. Uh--
KEV! YOU CAN'T TOUCH THE WAITRESS!
I should probably go talk to security.

 

by agnt_M
9-07-03
Lemme give you a little advice:
Kay.
At any club or party, with a little confidence, you can slide up in just about anything in here.
Of all the disgusting things you've ever said, that's the most disturbing thing yet.
It's also probably the most profound.
That's what's disturbing about it.

 

by agnt_M
9-07-03
Aren't you a little small to be drinking that Guiness?
Aren't you a little drunk to be wearing those clothes?
Pig!
Myopiatic bar-fly.

 

by agnt_M
9-07-03
Do you live around here?
No.
Can I come to your house?
No.
. . .
No.

 

by agnt_M
9-11-03
Dear Makeoutclub user referred to this link. Please shut the fuck up. KTHXbi.

 

by agnt_M
9-13-03
TEH BOOGIE IS ROOOOLZ
If you don't stop talking like that, they aren't going to let us in.
I R COOL PEOPLE. LET ME IN TO UR CLUUUB
They'll up your cover charge.
I LIEK TO BOOGIE. LET ME PULL UP TO UR BUMPA AN' SMAK DAT MONKAY
I'm not with him. Let me in.

 

by agnt_M
9-13-03
I dunno if I wanna do this. I'm not even dressed for a club.
Chelsea you'll be fine.
Chealsea's upset that she's not dressed like a ho.
Oh. Here, give her my sandals.
Pyle says unbutton most of your top, and put on her sandals.
OMG!

 

by agnt_M
9-13-03
Whoa. They have Redheads at the Boogie?
I can't believe they let us in.
Pyle, you doubted my cool?
I'm glad I had reservations.
THAT WAS SO NOT COOL.
I'ma go find Chelsea.

 

by agnt_M
9-13-03
There you are!
THERE ARE BIG SMELLY MEXICAN GUYS FREAKDANCING ME. PLEEEEEASE HELP ME
Help you what? Get their numbers?
That's not funny. Please please dance with me.
...Do you see how white I am?
THERE ARE BIG, SMELLY MEXICAN MENS!

 

by agnt_M
9-13-03
Have you seen Pyle?
I think she was trying to order a martini. I gotta go save Chelsea on the dancefloor.
What? Pyle's not 21.
That's why I said TRYING to order a martini.
OMG you guys... What are these big black 'x's they stamped on my hands at the door?

 

by agnt_M
9-13-03
On the Dance Floor...
WHO'S TOUCHING ME?
That's me, Chelsea.
Oh. Dance closer, someone keeps grabbing my thigh.
That's me, Chelsea.
You're a perv!
You're the one with her leg around my waist!

 

by agnt_M
9-13-03
OMG Pyle. THEY DON'T HAVE GUINESS.
What's a Guiness?
A BEER! THEY DON'T HAVE MY BEER!
Stupid club. I want my martini.
I'm going back out on the floor.

 

by agnt_M
9-13-03
On the Dance Floor Again
LOOK AT THAT HO DANCING ONSTAGE!
...I have been.
OMG what ho?
Who is that... Pyle?
hehehehe... I want to be onstage!
Chelsea... You need to talk to Pyle...

 

by agnt_M
10-17-03
Now god dammit.
I hate it when this happens.
TAKE US TOO YOUR L33T-ER

 

by agnt_M
10-17-03
So Jason. About that Natasha girl.

 

by agnt_M
12-05-03
The Mad Old English Gentleman Drops By For a Visit.
COUGH COUGH COUGH, P'FHLEM!
Holy shit, it's you!
Errrr uuhmCOUGH Yes, it is Me. HurCOUGH!
...encased in a giant cube of Marzipan, the greesy midget fidgets in its cocoon.
What What?
I didn't have a response to "HurCough."

 

by agnt_M
12-14-03
Back in the Saddle
>Ahem.< Um. So... A lot's been happening since the last post...
Crazy goings-on, with the Verb, and the Adverb, and the Pronouns... I know this Ninja...
...And I'm dating a small English girl named Natasha. Say 'hello,' Tasha.
Heloo!

 

by agnt_M
12-14-03
Sad thing is, this really isn't an accurate representation of Natasha.
She's actually a lot shorter than I am, petite, has curlier hair and much bigger eyes. But this'll do.
And my breasts dewn't look theis funnay.
Right. Anyway. On with the show.
I want chocolate.

 

by agnt_M
12-14-03
Aare you ma'king tea, in the microwave, agaain? Freeking weird American customs. Use th' Kettel!
You're just bitter because your people didn't succeed in taking over the world.
Yes, but wee deed suc-ceed in taking over the American.
I resemble that remark.
Oh shattap, yew love it.
I'ma show you American Revolution in a second here.

 

by agnt_M
2-24-04
Ok, ok. Wait. We're breaking up because you can't stand to loose me?
We're fighting too much! And if I dewn't break it off new, we'll neva be togethea!
If you break it off now, we won't be together!
But we can become friends, and get back togethea. But I don't want yew to have hope...
Hope that we're getting back together?
Yes.

 

by agnt_M
2-24-04
Ok. People are saying you say you love me, and want to be with me.
I dew.
But we're still broken up.
I can't handle a relationship right now.
We were doing fine... Except for the fighting... And I've figured out a lot of why we were fighting!
But I still dewn't want to loose you. So we're broken up.

 

by agnt_M
3-03-04
Um. I need to make a bank deposit.
So you need a deposit slip?
Uh, I dunno if that'll help. I can never remember my account number...
You could have mine instead.
Uh. What?

 

by agnt_M
4-21-04
Recent Dating Experiences
So, what you're telling me is, we've been hanging out for the past week or so. I've taken you on a couple of dates.
Right
And then the whole thing with the Hottub thingey, and the thing, and the leaving at 3am...
Right... Uh, about that...
...You're telling me, after all that, you're googly-eyeing my friend for a reason, and not just to... Google.
Actually, I'm interested in three or more people at the moment.

 

by agnt_M
4-21-04
Right. And after all that, you're now mad at me for... Trying to 'drive you and him apart.'
Yeah. That was low. Using personal information like that.
You mean, telling my friend exactly what happened between you and I--and that to watch himself, because you expressed interest in three other guys to me, was low.
Yeah. That was fucked up.
Aight. You know what--
...But I'm not going to hold a grudge or anything.

Showing page 8.

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