All comics by choadwarrior

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by choadwarrior
10-26-03
God, I'm so worried. The fire has spread to east county and I live in Santee.
Of course she does. Where else do grocery clerks live?
I heard they closed down the 8, the 163, the 52, and the 15. I have no idea how I'm going to get home or even if I'm going to have a home.
Gosh, I wonder if my dogs are okay and my cats are okay and my neighbors are okay and...
Well, worrying about it isn't going to get me my food any faster.

 

by choadwarrior
10-27-03
Channel 10 just said we're closing school tomorrow because of the fires.
We haven't made that decision yet.
What do you think we should do?
Cancel school tomorrow.

 

by choadwarrior
10-27-03
I sent out a press release to all media outlets confirming that all our schools would be closed tomorrow.
Yeah, channels 7 and 9 have already reported it.
You know, not one TV station called me back to confirm that the fax was legitimate.
I hope our students don't figure that out.
No kidding.

 

by choadwarrior
10-28-03
You know, of all the deadly sins that will get a person cast into hell, greed is my favourite.
Rod Roddy....... COME ON DOWN!

 

by choadwarrior
10-28-03
Firestorm 2003 has been raging in San Diego County for three days now.
All schools are closed, and employers are encouraged to close due to the unhealthy air quality.
And personally, now I know what it's like to live in Keith Richards' lungs.

 

by choadwarrior
10-28-03
All Catholic schools will also be closed due to the fires.
We thought that decision was best for our students' health and safety.
Will you still beat and molest them when you reopen?

 

by choadwarrior
10-28-03
All this smoke in the air is killing me--I can hardly breath.
This fire is dreadful for my emphysema.
Can I bum a smoke, grandma?
Sure, but I only buy no-filters.

 

by choadwarrior
10-29-03
The new Strokes CD sucks.
The new Strokes CD is great.
It sounds exactly like their first CD.
It sounds exactly like their first CD.

 

by choadwarrior
10-30-03
We are going to bring all staff back tomorrow and re-open school on Monday. What concerns do we need to address before then?
Will I get any extra pay because I worked during the emergency?
Has anyone seen my special pen?
Will there be food at this meeting?
Are we still having the Halloween contest at lunch tomorrow?
Would you mind if I burned all these witches while the fire is still hot?

 

by choadwarrior
10-31-03
Can you remember the name of that guy that Dan Savage named the frothy mixture of lube and semen resulting from anal sex after?
Senator Rick Santorum?
Santorum! Thanks, it was right on the tip of my tongue.
Would you like some mouthwash?

 

by choadwarrior
10-31-03
This morning, I sneezed while brushing my teeth.
And toothpaste shot out all over my reflection.
Now I know what I'd look like if I did gay porn.

 

by choadwarrior
10-31-03
Is this area still evacuated?
No, we're letting people back in.
Are there any evacuated areas nearby?
Almost everyone has been allowed back home.
Damn, looks like I bought this looting outfit for nothing.
Don't worry--I think the Lakers will win the NBA finals this year.

 

by choadwarrior
11-02-03
I'm here with Chief Makabuck from the Barona Tribe. How much damage did the fires cause to the reservation?
Well, we lost our only school.
That's tragic...how long will school be disrupted?
We're really not sure, but I do want to assure the public...
Fortunately, we saved the casino... REPEAT: THE CASINO IS STILL OPEN!

 

by choadwarrior
11-04-03
This morning, I saw a car with a vanity license plate that said, DEMCRAT."
Wow, of all the Democrats in this state, you found the one who has the privilege of paying higher registration fees to wear it on their car.
It wasn't even a high ranking party official.
How do you know?
It was a Hyundai.
Yet they still control the legislature.

 

by choadwarrior
11-04-03
It says here your title is "The Hill Shit Rolls Down."
Thats correct.
That's not a very glamourous job.
Well, I wish I started more shit...
...but for now, I'm happy to give the shit momentum and watch it settle somewhere else.

 

by choadwarrior
11-05-03
Would anyone mind if I turn off the air conditioning?
TOUCH THAT THERMOSTAT AND I'LL RIP YOUR NUTS OFF!
Gulp.
Are you sure menopause isn't cause for termination?
I'd sign the paperwork right now if the ink in my pen wasn't frozen.

 

by choadwarrior
11-05-03
Happy Indifferent Male Co-Worker Day.
What's that?
It's the one day a year where I don't have a going away party, a cake in the break room, an obligation to buy a present for someone I work for or who works for me, or have to sign a card.
I've never heard of that day before.
Well, Hallmark isn't exactly thrilled with it.

 

by choadwarrior
11-05-03
Why don't you buy any of your co-workers presents or at least give them cards?
I try to remember all those birthdays and fake holidays...
But instead of buying presents after work...
I totally forget any of you exist.

 

by choadwarrior
11-06-03
Aren't you going to say something about my hair?
Should I?
I dyed it this colour last night and you didn't even notice.
Who are you again?

 

by choadwarrior
11-08-03
I'm throwing away all my old suits.
Why?
They're still in good condition, but I'm not the fat guy I used to be.
If they're still in good shape, why not donate them to the Salvation Army?
I'm not sure a homeless guy can handle the responsibility that comes with my clothes.

 

by choadwarrior
11-09-03
I'm going bowling tonight, wanna come?
Bowling is not something I do.
You just don't like bowling because you suck at it.
Every time I bowl, I get closer to scoring higher than my I.Q.
See--you're getting better.
No, every time I go bowling, it makes me more stupid.

 

by choadwarrior
11-09-03
You better stop putting the moves on me, cuz I ain't giving it up.
Awwww, baby...
If my balls were white, they'd be blue right now.

 

by choadwarrior
11-09-03
Have you heard those Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" commercials?
Yeah! I love those ads, they are so funny.
I like the one about the guy who invented the 4000 calorie taco salad.
I never turn the station when those Bud Light ads come on--I always make a point to listen to them.
What can I get you?
I'll have a Guiness.

 

by choadwarrior
11-10-03
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Right now, behind that door, the Holiday Party Committee is meeting.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
They're planning the location, menu, bar policy, and all sorts of activities they'll pressure people to participate in.
STOP IT! STOP IT! I'M GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!
It's too bad they have more fun planning this thing than anyone who ever attends it has.

 

by choadwarrior
11-10-03
I heard they finally promoted you.
Yes, after fifteen months of whispered promises.
Did you get much of a raise?
Yes, a big, fat, retroactive one.
What are your new responsibilities?
I have to attend two more meetings a month.

 

by choadwarrior
11-11-03
How come you got a big raise when all I got was my cost of living adjustment this year?
Well, that's the deal the union negotiated for you, right?
Yes.
My strategy was to show everyone that I'm intelligent and highly motivated so they'd move me up into management before I quit.
That's not fair.

 

by choadwarrior
11-11-03
I still can't believe they made you a director within two years when it took me twenty just to make warehouse supervisor.
Do you have fourteen years experience in progressively responsible positions and specialized knowledge in the area of risk management?
No.
I'll listen to your complaints when you do.

 

by choadwarrior
11-12-03
First you misrepresented your fees, then you lied about the payment terms...
I also wrote in the contract that I'd provide you certain services, but I'm going to charge you more for anything I didn't list a specific price for!
I don't want to say you're the most unreliable vendor I've ever had...
But you've dropped more balls than the Vienna Boys Choir.

 

by choadwarrior
11-12-03
Look, I don't know why we got off to such a bad start...
That's precisely why I'm firing you.

 

by choadwarrior
11-13-03
Did you read the article in the Toronto Star about Brad's "Outside the Inbox" project?
The reporter used the term "do-it-yourself singer/ songwriter" twice.
Them songs ain't gonna generate lyrics by themselves.
What the fuck was he talking about?

 

by choadwarrior
11-13-03
Somebody forwarded me the e-mail where you criticized my project.
My only criticism is that it was abandoned before it was finished and now we have to figure out how to resolve that.
It really bothers me when my superiors criticize my work when they don't understand how much time and effort I've put into it.
I can understand why you think that.
That I'm angry?
No, that I'm superior to you.

 

by choadwarrior
11-16-03
Hey, I noticed all the paint was peeling in your bathroom.
Yeah, it's been like that for a while.
Do you have any idea what's causing it?
I eat a lot of Mexican food.

 

by choadwarrior
11-16-03
Can I see some ID for that beer?
Are you serious?
Yes, I have to ask for ID on anyone who looks under 30.
How old do you think I look?
Listen, Pops, for all I know, you're one of those progeria kids.

 

by choadwarrior
11-19-03
What smells out here?
I've got my crock pot going in my cubicle--I'm making stew.
Maybe I'll bring in my waffle iron tomorrow.
OOOH! We can also set up an omlette station.
I give up...you people have no understanding of sarcasm.

 

by choadwarrior
11-19-03
I'm here to report that I'm the victim of racial discrimination.
Okay--tell me about it.
My secretary is rude to me.
You're her supervisor, you should address it immediately; write her up if you think that's appropriate.
If you don't do anything about this hostile work environment, I'm suing.
Did you ever stop to think that the way people treat you has nothing to do with your race and everything to do with you being a dumbass?

 

by choadwarrior
11-19-03
Your former secretary is on the phone.
What does she want?
She's locked herself in the cafeteria.
Oh, Christ...
She can't even get a hunger strike right.

 

by choadwarrior
11-19-03
Your former secretary is locked in the cafeteria can't get out.
Oh, then we'll have to send someone over there immediately.
If she finds the food before we get to her, we're ruined.

 

by choadwarrior
11-19-03
You know, you can open this door from the inside--it's required by the fire code.
I know, but I don't have my keys.
So?
The door is locked on the outside. If I come out, I won't be able to get back in.
I still don't get it.
My keys are on my desk in the office--can you PLEASE go get them so I can get out of here?

 

by choadwarrior
11-20-03
I just read your e-mail where you criticized how I handled the staff meeting.
I just think you caused more problems than you solved.
But you've always been my most loyal supporter.
I still am.
It would be disloyal to let you act like an asshole and not tell you.

 

by choadwarrior
11-21-03
This church was built around a rock shaped like the Virgin Mary.
That's nothing...
I have a stain on my mattress that resembles Jesus.
I also screamed out his name when i made it.

 

by choadwarrior
11-21-03
Flight attendants used to be nice back when they were known as stewardesses.
I blame it on "Airport 1975."
Before that movie, you could order a cocktail and they'd smile as they hand it to you.
Now they sneer at you as they spill your drink in your lap.
It's like, "Fuck you, buddy..."
"I'm one disaster away from landing this bird."

 

by choadwarrior
11-23-03
Hey, I can't come down tonight--I gotta work late.
This new job sounds like a lot more work--how much more are you earning?
$2,600 a year.
You know, that only works out to an extra $1.25 an hour.
Oh god...after taxes, that's about 79 cents!
Well, I hope all that overtime is worth an extra $6.32 a day.

 

by choadwarrior
11-23-03
Rock & roll is the cause of all violence in the world.
You're so right, Gradma. Before 1953, there wasn't any violence.
All rock & roll is satanic.
While I agree that anyone who listens to Billy Joel should go to hell, I don't think that Satan is stealing souls through his music.
You sure are opinionated.
Only when confronted with dumb opinions.

 

by choadwarrior
11-23-03
Did you find everything you were looking for?
Yes.
But you are blind, are you sure?
Yes, it's very easy at this store.
Every aisle and every item has it's own peculiar odor.

 

by choadwarrior
11-23-03
If I had a thumb, I'd point it down for the new movie, "Cat In The Hat."
Mike Myers is so frenetic, you almost wish that they had cast Robin Williams for the roll.
Plus, his natural fur would have looked more realistic.

 

by choadwarrior
11-24-03
THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK
One thing all my neighbors have had in common is the noise they make when they fuck. First it starts off slow...
THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK
Then it gets really fast and she lets out two or three moans.
OOOOOH! OOOOOH!
I don't think I've ever heard it go on for more then three minutes. That apartment must have been built on an old Indian premature ejaculation ground.

 

by choadwarrior
11-25-03
So have you and your wife always been swingers?
Oh, yes...for 40 years, we've been hooking up with strange couples and having kinky sex.
I've literally been with hundreds of men, and a few dozen women.
That's interesting. Do the men ever get together?
Why?
That would be weird.

 

by choadwarrior
11-27-03
Before we eat, I'd like everyone around the table to say what they are thankful for.
I'd be thankful if we didn't.
Hrmph.
This is why I let Mom & Dad keep you.

 

by choadwarrior
11-29-03
You're right--it sounds like someone left you a two-minute voicemail from a gun range. Could this be a joke?
I called my one friend who owns a gun, and he said it wasn't him.
Piss anyone off lately?
Not any more than normal.
Are you cheating on somebody?
I wish.

 

by choadwarrior
12-01-03
Well, well, well...it looks like someone took a long lunch.
If it was only ten minutes, then I'm still way ahead of you.
How dare you! I am ALWAYS on time!
True, however...
I didn't spend two hours wandering around the building asking every person how their Thanksgiving was so I could tell them about mine.

Showing page 8.

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