All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
2-01-04
5 years later...
Welcome back, Prime Minister Silvisaurus.
Why thank you, President Sharkman. I must say, it's good to be home. Utah is SUCH a dreadful place!
Now that you're free and Iowa is a major world power (thanks in part to the wholesale slaughter of mammals which Utah didn't object to, since the mammals weren't Utahans) what do you want to do?
The same thing we do every night!
Form a cabaret and dance to showtunes?
No, President Sharkman, try and TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

 

by ivytheplant
2-02-04
While driving to Safeway...
$&*@#+ BITCH! USE YOUR #*&@# TURN SIGNAL!!
*tears up* But...I did use them...I just can't afford to get them fixed...
In the parking lot the anger builds...
Hi! Welcome to Safeway! How are you??
Stupid jerk...I was the effing VICTIM in an accident! I bet he and the guy who hit me are related. Stupid jackasses...
At the check-out the anger is unleashed...
Do you need any help out?
I have one bag. Do I LOOK like I need help? Duh!

 

by ivytheplant
2-02-04
The clerk goes home infected...
Stupid customers...they don't realize I HAVE to ask that or I'll get in trouble!
On the street, the anger is unleashed...
Like, spare a dime, man?
Get a fucking job you lazy bum! If I can work 10 hours a day for peanuts I'm sure YOU can earn a dime! Now get out of my way!
The disease has begun to mutate...
Stupid bitch! What does SHE know?? I lost my job last Tuesday. Fucking immigrants taking all the work!!

 

by ivytheplant
2-02-04
The frustrated guy manifests his anger the first chance he gets...
Excuse me sir, do you have the time?
You stupid immigrant!! Taking all our jobs!! Someone should do something about it! You can't even tell time! Go back to Abu Dhabi!!
The disease has mutated into a deadlier strain...
What a rude man! Just because I look different does not mean I'm an immigrant! I've lived here all my life and so has my parents! I havte these people!
It flies faster than before...
Can you tell me where the Gap is?
YOU STUPID CHRISTIAN ARYANS ASSUME WE'RE ALL IMMIGRANTS!! DIE!!!

 

by ivytheplant
2-02-04
The final victim...
They. All. Must. PAY!
Becomes the instrument of armageddon...
I shal kill them all!!! *Sith Lord windpipe crush*
The moral of the story, "Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups." -Marion, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

 

by ivytheplant
2-02-04
Bookstore clerk
Come back when I've finished this chapter...
#$%&^*!!
Q
This moonscape is dull. I'm gonna manifest some intelligent life to toy with.
Simon (American Idol)
You suck! *pushes red button* BWAH HA HA HA HAAA!
AAIIIEEE!!!

 

by ivytheplant
2-04-04
Ball of yarn: .52¢. New pants: $20.
Here kitty kitty kitty!
*bat* purrrrrrr
Hydrogen peroxide: .85¢. Band-aids: $1.45.
Who's the cutest kitten ever!?
*scuffle swipe* purrrrr
Finally wearing the kitten out in time for bed: priceless.
I'm bored.
zzzzzz

 

by ivytheplant
2-05-04
Let's see, it's been 25 days since last checking my UW account. Probably isn't too bad but I should check to be sure.
[You have 1,493 new messages.]
Wow. If this was an inbox I still used, this might be sad. Instead, it's just amusing.
[Downloading...]
And good strip fodder. I wonder what's on TV?
[Downloading...]

 

by ivytheplant
2-06-04
If you think all batteries are the same, consider this:
??
When horny young women need a quick "pick me up," the battery trusted by most is Duracell!
!!
Long-lasting. Powerful. Dependable. Trusted everywhere. Duracell.
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Oh! YES!!

 

by ivytheplant
2-09-04
Pantene Pro-V 1
70% more strength!
"Shampoo and conditioner vs shampoo alone"
Pantene Pro-V 2
Great conditioning!
"Vs non-conditioning shampoo"
In conclusion...
Wait...so basically it's their conditioning product against something that isn't conditioning?
Haha! You overpaid for hair products!

 

by ivytheplant
2-11-04
Wooo!
*shiver*
AHHH! My nipples just fell off!
By pung ith fozen to Awihen'th bases.
This is rather unsatisfying.
Are you kidding? This is the funniest thing to happen here since the Polar Club put on coats!

 

by ivytheplant
2-11-04
Earlier today I saw an SUV with the classic (and a personal favorite) sticker "I see dumb people" on the back.
The driver was double-parked in a fire lane and talking to a guy in another SUV.
Practice what you preach, eh?

 

by ivytheplant
2-11-04
In the hallway...
Put your pants back on.
Online...
I need to cut down on the crack.
At home...
No, I don't want to cuddle you, I'm busy.
Don't make me purr on you.

 

by ivytheplant
2-12-04
Butch Wonders if the Professor was right
Looking back, becoming your own grandpa is kinda gross
But that car is sure cool

 

by ivytheplant
2-12-04
TNoF's Opinion on "Hamish"
Hamish? What kind of self respecting world-taking-over AI is called Hamish?
It needs to be something really cool and amazing.
Like... Brad. Yeah...

 

by ivytheplant
2-12-04
So apparently some Microsoft Windows source code was leaked onto the internet.
According to the news article:
"Such access could also provide a competitive edge to Microsoft rivals, who would gain a much better understanding of the inner workings of Microsoft's technology."
Says Rob Enderle, a technology expert and principal analyst with the Enderle Group:
"It's more embarrassing than anything else because it makes it look like Microsoft can't control its code.''
There's a joke in here somewhere, but I'm not sure I need to say anything.

 

by ivytheplant
2-12-04
http://my.aol.com/news/news_story.psp?type=1&cat=0100&id=2004021223340001345500
WANGS!!
DONGS!!
The joke is over. Go away.

 

by ivytheplant
2-13-04
Let's see...I'm illegally downloading copyrighted songs and movies. What else should I do?
[downloading...]
Ooo! Download the Windows source code that leaked out yesterday!
[downloading...]
Only one thing could make this strip perfect...
[Shipment of weapons-grade plutonium to North Korea, Libya, Pakistan confirmed. Your tracking number is...]

 

by ivytheplant
2-14-04
10:00 AM
Zzzzzzzzzz
12:00 PM
[saving comic #211674...]
Always a day like any other
*throws toy mousie*
*chase!* *pounce!*

 

by ivytheplant
2-14-04
Flowers. Hrm...
Chocolates. Hrm...
Awww! A new massacring knife! You're so sweet!

 

by ivytheplant
2-14-04
Further proof that moon station-folk are nothin' but haters.
RAARRGGHH!!! TOBOR HATES EVERYONE SO TOBOR CORNHOLE EVERYONE

 

by ivytheplant
2-14-04
Did I leave the oven on?

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-04
Play with me.
Go 'way. I'm sick.
*cough!wheeze!choke!*
So by "sick," you mean...
*moooaaaan!*

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-04
I wonder what it's like to be oppressed...
No. No. NO!. No. NO! Nonononononono!
*whine*
Not allowed. Not for you. You wish. Come back later.
Much like being a kid I guess.
Yeah, but kids are allowed on the kitchen counter.

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-04
World of commercial stupidity...
When did I need more Mentos? Quantum Physics! *giggle*
*drone drone drone drone*
The real world...
I do't care what you say, you can't take this class until you've completed the list of prerequisites! And why is a Fashion History major taking any physics class anyway?
But...I have Mentos!
Ivy's world...
Begone! Thou plague on mankind!
AAAIIIEEE!!!

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-04
O-kay girls! Let's practice our cheers!
Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the--
!
??
Ahhh! A colored person!

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-04
I wonder what the World History teacher will be like?
Gosh! I can't wait to learn about the Egyptians!
This doesn't look good...
A-HA! It is I! Jesus!

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-04
I can't believe this school doesn't offer biology til junior year.
Blah blah blah academic dishonesty blah...
How the hell are they going to cram it all in?
Blah blah blah hard work blah blah...
Good thing there's nothing to do around here so I spend my spare time studying.
Today we are going to learn about the origin of the Earth. On the first day...

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-04
These blasphemous books must be cleansed from the school! Our children must not be permitted to read these evil works!
This doesn't look good...
*books burning*
Not good at all...
*trails line of gas to teacher's shoe*
Blah blah evil! Blah blah blasphemy! Blah blah satan!

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-04
At the school counselor...
I need information about colleges.
...
...
I'll just take some of this dusty literature that hasn't been updated since the 70's and leave you to your stupefaction.
"Literature"?

 

by ivytheplant
2-16-04
Note: this was after I left
Yellville AR: The local school board organized a prayer demonstration in open violation of the Supreme Court ruling.
They organized Yellville-Summit High School students and cheerleaders to line up on the 50 yard line, kneel and pray.
The cheerleaders switched their pom-poms with banners containing biblical passages
When asked what he thought of breaking a Supreme Court ruling in his name, the Son of God had this to say:
Fer chrissake! Just leave my name out of it already! I have enough cleanup to deal with after that whole Inquisition thing!
And there you have it...

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-04
o/^ Ivytheplant, Ivytheplant, does whatever an Ivy can't... o/^
What in the hell are you singing?
Dunno. Someone left it as a comment. Catchy, eh?
Great, now it's going to be stuck in my head all day.
Why do you think I'm singing it?

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-04
Behind you is Castle Ivytopia and the Saturn V rocket.
Saturn V rocket?
Yeah, we got it off eBay. Now here we have the Enchanted Forest. Over the ridge is the Cursed Forest and R2D2's Castle.
Wow!
...and that concludes the tour of Ivytopia.
Ivytopia, come for the Enchanted Forest, stay for the Cursed Forest!

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-04
Hey.
Hey.
So...
Yep...
Whattya wanna do now?
I was thinking a dip in a Cotton Candy Swimming Pool might be nice.

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-04
past
Hey man, you want some cigerettes?
I'll trade you a frappachino for it
present
I was just telling the children about god
yea, yea. Save it for the judge
future
Oh Lord & Master of the Planet , your Cotton Candy Swimming Pool is ready.
o/^"I will survive! Oh as long as I know how to love I know I will stay alive!" o/^

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-04
This Google Ad doesn't seem right: Cinema Clicks  -  www.cinemaclicks.com - Movies, Games, Books, Herbs, Animal Childrens, Spiritual, Educational
You're right. It does seem a bit off.
So when are you gonna add the Ivy character?
Get off my back you shameless wench!

 

by ivytheplant
2-17-04
Mmyers has the creative approach...
What's...um...I'll come back later...
o/^ "I will survive! Oh as long as I know how to love I know I will stay alive" o/^
Choadwarrior has the direct approach...
Do you want to--
No.
I have the stealth approach...
Where did Ivy go? I was just about to talk to her about the new baby.
Thank goodness for my Jedivy mind powers making me invisible.

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-04
New SlimFast low-carb products!
mmm...
They taste great!
mmm...
And you'll lose weight faster than before!
mmm...

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-04
1.
All right, Miss--?
Mary. Typhoid Mary.
2.
About that gynecological exam...
3.
Three syllables: "Mal-prac-tice."

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-04
1.
This is the best thing I've ever tasted!
2.
Janice was right. It really was like squeezing a spiked watermelon out between my legs!
3.
Damn, I lost my suppositories. Well, here goes nothing! *splash*

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-04
"Dear Progressive Insurance: How can you justify giving me a quote of $375 per 6 months when Geico's rate is $121 per 6 months with the same coverage." "And don't give me a catchall answer..."
[type type...]
"...like "driving record" or "credit score." If that was the case, Geico would have given me a rate similar to yours or raised their rates. In fact, my rates with Geico have dropped by $32 per year."
[type type...]
"Sincerely, IvyThePlant." *send*
[sends]

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-04
One week later...
Ms. Plant, I'm here on behalf of Progressive Insurance. We'd like to have a word with you about that letter you sent...
Uh-oh...
Are you aware that by clicking on the "submit" button, you are legally obligated to use our services?
Double uh-oh...
We have already switched your coverage from Geico and will now need to collect 4 years of those Geico savings.
Get the escape copter ready! Stat!

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-04
1.
I have no money or insurance.
2.
I'm probably going to die before you can collect.
3.
I have no money or insurance and me, my family, sneaky Dr. Smith, and a cornholing robot are headed for a long mission to deep space.

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-04
1.
Why isn't it dead yet?
2.
Man, fitting 20 kilos of heroin up my ass isn't as easy as it looked in the manual.
3.
TOBOR BORED!!

 

by ivytheplant
2-19-04
Mr. Moneybags thought he hired a hardworking maid, and a dedicated plumber!...
Is that a WAND in your hand or are you just happy to see me? *pause for canned laughter*
I'm waiting for you to SWEEP me off my feet! *pause for canned laughter*
...but what he doesn't know is they're really former Hogwart's teachers!
I say, this room was absolutely FILTHY just a second ago!
It only LOOKED filthy. *pause for canned laughter*
Coming this fall on the WB...a reality show that's magically hilarious! BeSwept!
Goodness me! My mansion has been turned into a FOREST!
But the bathroom LEAF is fixed! *pause for canned laughter*

 

by ivytheplant
2-19-04
On the next Surreal Life...
You are being most stubborn in this matter, Jesus!
Put a ROCK in it, Mohammad!
GW, you're a dick!
It's all the pagans like you, Fiona Horne...if that IS your real name...who are ruining this country!
Watch how major players in some of the world's most flamboyant religions, manager to live TOGETHER in ONE HOUSE sharing only TWO BATHROOMS!
Yo Moses, want to eat the others?
Oh Cthulhu, always the eating! Why the eating?...Besides, I don't think that cowboy is kosher.

 

by ivytheplant
2-19-04
From the producers of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, The Mole, and Mexican Wrestling...comes a new reality show that's sure to break the rules!
okay contestants. This round will demonstrate your critical-thinking skills as you attempt to save your partner!
Watch as 26 contestants face challenges and each other in the new WB hit...
Will you take a check?
I say cash only! You want ancient chinese laundry secret or not?
Who Wants to Be U.S. President!
Why do I always get the hard ones?
It's easy bone-brain! Just unlock the damn door!

 

by ivytheplant
2-19-04
Basket-Weaving With Slash!
Why do I have to be naked again?
Fabergè Egg Decorating With Tobor!
Awww...Tobor corholed egg too hard...
Jujitsu with Gary Coleman!
Little angry man needs to find his inner strength.
Hey! Whatyoutalkin' 'bout? I can still kick yo ass!

 

by ivytheplant
2-19-04
So the power is out and I'm bummed cause I had a ton of work to, but then I start really getting into the solitude and all since it's been a while. So I decide to get my portable CD player out cause I
wanna listen to some tunes but the speakers need batteries so I go find some AA's and go to put them in the speakers but I discover the speakers need C's so I figure I have enough candles going that I
can sacrifice the Maglight and I open it and find out the Maglight uses D's so now I'm REALLY bummed because there's no other batteries in the house, but then, I have an epiphany...
Walk to the store and buy batteries?
Didn't need to. I remembered there were some C batteries in my vibrator stash.
What? You sacrificed multispeed power for MUSIC!? I am shocked!

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-04
*beep boop boop beepity beep*
What in the world is Ivy doing in there?
Playing with her Palm.
Y--
Her handheld PDA! Sheesh!

Showing page 8.

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