All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
10-15-01
Hello, FBI, could you please send someone over? I just opened a letter that had traces of ant tracks on it.

 

by kaufman
10-16-01
Hey Jude, help! Michelle, she's a woman -- I saw her standing there, and I love her. But I'm a loser. She loves you. What's the word? Tell me why or I'll cry instead.
Do you want to know a secret? I've got a feeling it's because of my long, long, long penis. When I'm 64 inches long, she's leaving home for no one else.
Wait! I want to tell you it won't be long after all my loving. I want you. All I've got to do is make us come together or something. Why don't we do it in the road?
The two of us? I should have known better. Oh darling, I will, any time at all, here, there, and everywhere! Hold me tight or run for your life, I wanna be your man.
Good morning, little child! Dig it, this boy says it's getting better. Happiness IS a warm gun. All you need IS love! Get back and roll over, Beethoven; I AM the walrus! Don't let me down.
Hey bulldog, slow down! Honey don't, not a second time. I'm down from yesterday and the night before. I'm so tired, let it be. I'll be back, tomorrow never knows. PS, I love you. The end.

 

by kaufman
10-17-01
At the Awards Dinner:
Gabe, now that you've been named Obsessive-Compulsive of the Year for your selfless assistance in the building of Megaball, what will your next project be?
I want to contribute some string I have to the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota.
Gabe doesn't realize that that twine ball may no longer be America's largest, but it remains the largest built BY A SINGLE INDIVIDUAL.
Can I add some twine?
I'm afraid not.
Minnesota has armed law enforcement and National Guard personnel ready to preserve the sanctity of that achievement.
Wait a minute, Minnesota doesn't have armed kangaroos!
Look, if you want DexX to draw a psychotic polar bear, you tell him!

 

by kaufman
10-17-01
Yo, Dave, what's up, dude?
Calvin! I've just written the best computer virus. It busts into every Windows/XP system and displays nude pictures of Calista Flockhart
So your stalking her amounted to something. Great, but before you do this hack, you know you ought to get it approved by Roger the 1337.
Oh yeah. You think he'll like it?
Absolutely. I think it's top-notch!
Super, Cal. If Roger listens, XP Ally doses!

 

by kaufman
10-18-01
Folks, it's easy. The cross spreads the weight over a larger surface area. Anyone can walk on water using the right equipment.
Interesting talk you're giving.
Whoa, now that's impressive.

 

by kaufman
10-19-01
I'm on vacation for a good part of the next month, but fear not, we've got reruns galore! Sit back and grab that remote!
Mommy, this Ren-Faire is boring. Can't we go home?
Prithee, huzzah, my little wenchen. we cometh anon to Ye Olde Petteing Zooe.
Click.
Gray flakes stuck in tentacles
Click.
Right here ...
Oh, and one more favor if you don't mind -- could you come a little closer? I'd really appreciate the positive feedback.

 

by kaufman
10-19-01
One day in the trench...
...So I said, "Well, those stealth bombers won't generate megatons by themselves."
Ha ha!
Soldier, what the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
10-19-01
Hello, Mr. Christ. I'm conducting a little marketing survey.
I'll give you three unmarked soft drinks, and you tell me which you prefer, the Coke, the Pepsi, or the generic supermarket brand.
Later...
So he chose the supermarket brand?
Yeah, not that that really surprises me. What do you expect from a guy who turned perfectly good water into Manischewitz Concord Grape?

 

by kaufman
10-19-01
CORN--HOLE YOU RAAAR!
CORN--HOLE YOU RAAAR!
CORNHOLE YOU RAAAR!
CORNHOLE YOU RAAAR!
CORNHOLE YOU-OOOOOUUUUU
RAAAAAAAARRR!!!!

 

by kaufman
10-19-01
The United States has the BEST armed forces in the entire world.
You know why? Because we don't have LIBERALS and GAYS serving their country, only good red-blooded Americans
I never thought I'd say this, but we should all thank HILLARY CLINTON for not enlisting.

 

by kaufman
10-19-01
The US soldier has conquered the Afghan terrorist and is now telling the prisoner his fate.
Because you're an Afghan terrorist, I sentence you to spend the rest of your life at the bottom of the ocean.
The Afghan terrorist is drowning, but a shark is going to eat him. Also, the terrorist has an eel coming out of his ear.
Help, help, I can't breathe, I am drowning and an eel is swimming through my head..
There is an Afghan terrorist. I think I will eat him.
There is a nuclear war and bombs are dropped, and everyone is dying or turning into radoactive mutants. The end.
The radiation from the nuclear bombs has made me into a mutant creature with feet where my ears are.
Surprise! I am the Afghan terrorist but the nuclear bombs melted the sea and fused the eels swimming through my head to my face as well, so now I am a mutant too.

 

by kaufman
10-20-01
Mom, it's the USS Nimitz on the phone. They just got into port and want to know when you can shore leave them.

 

by kaufman
10-20-01
I'm going to a wedding this weekend. I need something elegant but not too dressy, warm without being too stuffy, and something that will attract men without making me look desperate.
Here, ma'am, try one of these cat stoles. The dressing room's right over there.
AAAAACCCCKKKKKK!!!!!
It made my thighs look fat. Which way to the Jenny Craig shop?
Salespeople. We're the best at getting folks to stick to their diets.

 

by kaufman
10-20-01
I'm going to a wedding this weekend. I need something elegant but not too dressy, warm without being too stuffy, and something that will attract men without making me look desperate.
Here, ma'am, try one of these cat stoles. The dressing room's right over there.
AAAAACCCCKKKKKK!!!!!
It made my thighs look fat. Which way to the Marine recruitment center?
The little look-right-at-the-wedding outfit: no better recruitment tool has ever been invented.

 

by kaufman
10-22-01
... So three stars to "The Green Berets." Now on to our next review: Russell Crowe stars in "The Wirthling Story."
I love Russell Crowe! Should I see that film?
No way. He sucks!
Who? Crowe or wirthling?
Does it matter?

 

by kaufman
10-22-01
I just flew in from Afghanistan, and boy, are my arms tired!
Speaking of which, you know what the US Army will have once they find the Al Qaeda leader? An Osama Bin Latrine!
Keep those fruits and veggies coming, I'm here all week.

 

by kaufman
10-22-01
You got the pilate satterite dish?
Uh huh.
Good. Then we're leady to take over the airwaves.
Ret's go. They'll never expect it.
SUPPLIES!
!

 

by kaufman
10-22-01
Ari, did you see the pictures of the President in Shanghai?
Him and the others wearing native jackets? What of it, Dick?
It looked like a freaking clown suit on him. How could this happen?
It started with the '93 summit here -- everyone got US-type bomber jackets.
So this is another prank by the Clinton gang?
The Marines are ready, sir. Shall we bomb Arkansas?

 

by kaufman
10-22-01
Good evening and welcome to a Very Special edition of Comic Strip Creator, dedicated to our brave servicepeople in South Asia..
This comic will be in the style of ElTigreMask2K doing a comic in the style of kaufman doing a comic in the style of ElTigreMask2K doing a comic in the style of kaufman doing ...

 

by kaufman
10-22-01
One day in the hole ...
Honey, did you check it out?
Uh huh.
And what was the result?
Come see for yourself.
Look at it. I'm pregnant!

 

by kaufman
10-22-01
Those of you who have been keeping track know this is my 378th stripcreator comic.
If you toss out 13 near-duplicate comics remade for rules compliance, premature hitting of the return button, correction of spelling, etc...
...You wind up with 365. Thus, we are pleased to announce the sale of ...
The Kaufman Comic A Day 2002 Calendar. Each tear-off page has a hilarious comic on it, and fascinating background facts on the back.
So what are you cheapskates waiting for? Go out and buy it for crying out loud!
Unless, of course, you already bought one and are reading it now. In that case, HAPPY ARBOR DAY!

 

by kaufman
10-23-01
Dude?
Dude!
Dude!
Dude!
Duuuuuude!
WHOOOOA!

 

by kaufman
10-23-01
Honey, this really sucks. Not only has our skin turned pink and our horns fallen off in this water, I can't hold my breath much longer!

 

by kaufman
10-23-01
Heh heh, nice comic, cowf-man!
Can you find the names of every Meryl Streep movie ever made in this comic? -- by kaufman
At the Jesus impersonators' convention -- by ladyjdotnet
Heh heh, nice comic, La-dijj!

 

by kaufman
10-23-01
The deal is like this ...
Send me $10,000 by Friday ...
And I WON'T post the prequel.

 

by kaufman
10-24-01
And?
...And he swallows too.

 

by kaufman
11-02-01
Needless to say, I sympathize with boorite, having gone through all parts of the pet lifecycle. It's no coincidence I've got this icon here.
I just got back after a week away, and was very happy to see my pets in good shape. But enough maudlinisms. Know how to make a cat go WOOF?
WOOF!

 

by kaufman
11-02-01
On Halloween morning, my razor fell to the floor and broke.
It gets worse. It was an old model of razor that they don't make anymore, so now I'm stuck with 15 blades that I recently bought in a large economy pack and are now completely useless.
Worst of all, I was 1500 miles away from home and those razor blades, so I couldn't even put them in any candy.

 

by kaufman
11-03-01
Pull!
*whoosh*
Whoa, I am like so high!
doot doot doo doo ...
Damn, missed.

 

by kaufman
11-03-01
Pull!
*WHOOSH*
o/` It's been a ...
hard ...
day's ...
night!

 

by kaufman
11-03-01
So I said, "Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves."
Heh heh.
Hey Clem, why did we decide to vacation in London? I can't even see you in this fog.

 

by kaufman
11-04-01
RAAAAR!!! TOBOR WILL COR...
NOOOOOO!
TOBOR REALLY WANTED TO DO JOAN OF ARC.

 

by kaufman
11-05-01
The last human alive sat alone in a room.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
Just a minute ...
Hello. have you heard the good news about our lord and savior, Isaac Asimov?

 

by kaufman
11-05-01
In the not too distant future ...
Hello, Servo, are you and your cohorts ready for our next excruciating experiment?
Sorry, Dr. Forrester, no can do. Joel and Crow are out on EVA fixing a thruster, and won't be back till dinnertime.
Ok then - a special experiment. Rather than a movie, let's see how you respond to these awful comics we found online...
AIIIIIIEEEEE! We've got Comic Sign!
moh.
Oh jeez, what a lame ending. If you want to invoke the name of a Stooge, Curly would have been much funnier!

 

by kaufman
11-05-01
12:01 AM, September 3, 1752: Tobor enters the bedchamber of George II, King of England, and begins 11 days of nonstop Royal Cornholing.
Who disturbs our sleep?
RAAAR!!!!
But the humiliated Monarch is still all-powerful, and responds with a proclamation:
Hear ye, hear ye! By order of hif Majefty, the dayf ...
... Feptember 3-13, 1752 have ceafed to exift throughout the Britifh Empire!
You don't believe me? Try this on your Unix box!
cal 9 1752 .... WTF?!?!

 

by kaufman
11-05-01
Hey, there's a trashcan filled with medical waste from the year 2002. I see a CPR dummy. I wonder if any baby harp seals are inside?
One way to find out ...
Still hard to tell. Was that a flipper?

 

by kaufman
11-05-01
Here at the LunaDome, Super Bowl CCLXXVII has been a real thriller.
The Titan Tennessees lead 24-23, but the Ganymede Packers are attempting a 247-yard field goal.
The kick is up ...
Really, Herb, we should talk to the Robots' union. This goalpost gig is just plain demeaning.

 

by kaufman
11-05-01
You bought me a new book? As a present? How very nice of you! Thank you!
However, my answer stands. I will NOT take you in to have your tail surgically amputated.
Besides, if you'd bothered to read the inside flap, you'd have known "To Serve Manx" is a cookbook!

 

by kaufman
11-05-01
Chaos at the North Pole tonight when one of Santa's reindeer snapped and went on a shooting spree. Donner, Comet and 16 Elves are dead.
Vixen and Prancer were seriously wounded. Santa is making his run with a skeleton crew of Cupid, Blitzen, Rudolph and Dasher.
The crazed reindeer is believed to be heavily armed, and flying in the direction of former child star Billy Mumy's house.
DANCER! DANCER, WILL ROBINSON!

 

by kaufman
11-06-01

 

by kaufman
11-06-01

 

by kaufman
11-06-01

 

by kaufman
11-07-01
... Orbiting high above the earth, a
long-forgotten Soviet space probe
achieves sentience.
Vaporize.

 

by kaufman
11-11-01
* KNOCK KNOCK *
* NIKE NIKE *
* NECK NECK *
Aha! * NUKE NUKE * indeed! Come on in; you're just what I need in that form, And I know JUST how to keep you that way!

 

by kaufman
11-11-01
Hey, you look down. How come?
Obituary in the November 11th Palm Beach Post. Seems "The Human Blockhead" has passed on.
WHAT? Wirthling's dead?
Not that human blockhead ... This was a guy who made his living at circuses hammering spikes into his head.
What's the big deal about that?
Huh? Come to think about it, not much, really.

 

by kaufman
11-11-01
Ladies and Gentlemen, Pacmanistan's Minister of Justice
My fellow Pacmanistanis, I would like to inform you of the dangerous criminals on our Most Wanted List.
There's Inky ................... Binky ..........
................. Pinky and Clyde.

 

by kaufman
11-12-01
Hey now, isn't SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA the greatest place on earth?
No sir - a farcical can of sin!
Well, hello there, what are you doing in LOUISIANA?
I boil a anus.
You made it! At last you're in COLUMBUS, OHIO.
Ooh, I lob mucus!

 

by kaufman
11-13-01
WELL, DOC, AM I GOING TO BE A DADDY?
There's a surefire test; we should have the results in momentarily.
* ACK! * *GHHHTKH* *CAN'T BREATHE!*
It's all very simple. If the rabbit dies ..
*thud*
Congratulations! You're going to be a daddy!

 

by kaufman
11-13-01
Lara7 introduces herself to the stripcreator regulars ...
So, what do you think of the new Russell Crowe DVD?
"Won't" is an interesting name for a cat. What gave you the idea of using a contraction?
How do you feel about coming from Louisiana, a state that nobody can spell correctly?
Aren't you concerned that someone's patella will strike your automobile, and they'll be suffering from art car knee?
1) I haven't seen it - I'm waiting for it to come out on 5.25" floppy. 2) Bud Selig suggested it to me.
3) Have you seen their literacy rate? No one down there knows the difference. 4) The thought fills me with glee, son!

 

by kaufman
11-15-01
April 3, 1882: Jesse James is at home when he meets his end ...
That picture's crooked. Hang on a moment while I straighten it.
Not so fast, Jesse. Yer outlawin' days are through. I'm collectin' that reward money!
Today scholars and conspiracy theorists debate the circumstances of his death.
James was a Confederate who was killed in April by a guy named Ford.
Lincoln fought the Confederates and was killed in April in a theatre called Ford's. Odd, no?
Until one film critic puts it all together ...
Hitchcock's 1951 "Strangers on a Train" is based on the real-life story of the meeting of the two assassins.
This realism and the absence of Russell Crowe are why it is still considered a classic today.

Showing page 8.

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