All comics by Kevin_Keegans_Perm

 

Cmon Doc, lets go. The whole lab is in meltdown, the mayors ordered an immediate evacuation of a 20 mile radius. This is the big one doc.
Were in the middle of a Chain Reaction, you get a medal if youre lost in action!
To hell with medals, the crazy lady can do what she wants. Come on Doc.

 

The problems pretty simple boss. Someone jammed all the doors shut on the lower levels. The people can only get out of the lift goes to the higher levels.
The only way is up, Baby! For you and me from now on.
You know boss, you might want to get security down here. Ive got a suspect.

 

I told you motherfucker. 2000 years it took me , but now more people believe in Santa than Jesus.
True , but you dont have a fanatic with the worlds largest arsenal of nuclear weapons to do your bidding.
Shit
How are my shares in the Coca Cola company doing?

 

Hi, Welcome to MacDonalds. Now fuck off.
What the? Youre on strike even though the restraurant is open?
Damn straight. Now get out before i fry your McNuggets in our deep fat friar.
Howabout you suck my cock and give me free meal before i go back to my job with the INS.
Erm , can we negotiate to say, Fi Dolla?
Nice to know that inflation doesnt affect immigrant wages.

 

This is a public service announcement for the "Israeli's without Guns" Society
Every day as many as TWO rockets land somewhere in a field miles from anywhere, causing death and destruction to the local insect population
For just 23 Billion Dollars a year, you can provide white phosphorous rockets, and really big fuck off helicopters to ensure this never happens again.

 

For too long my brothers , we have been oppressed by a government we elected to represent our views.
These vile leeches on society have taken all our freedoms , and forced us to conform to their own , twisted world view
Didnt we all just hatch from pods on the hive mother?
SECURITY! WE HAVE A COMMUNIST!

 

Can I ask office why youre blocking the entrance to my house?
Im afraid theres been a horrific discovery here sir, and we cant allow you in until the forensics team have finished their work.
It was just a Bryan Adams CD
Sometimes we have to protect people from themselves sir.

 

So , Jesus , youve been mocked now in almost every "Satirical" cartoon series in America.
Yeh , Seth McFarlane , Parker & Stone , christ even the simpsons had a few digs.
At what point are you going to drag your lazy ass off that cross and get with the smiting?
Are you kidding? I spent the last 3 years producing the Sex & The City movie
Thats the sum total of it?
Hallmark Channel , True Movies , Wedding Channel. Sometime soon ill break your spirit!

 

So what the fuck am I doing here?
You hit "Random Comic" because its 3am and youre half asleep.
Bearing in mind im half asleep, this comic has no chance of being funny, does it?
Nope, its failure guaranteed. Within a few days it will be 1 starred by everyone on the site.
I cant even save it by saying "Wirthling Sucks"?
Ahhh , Billings you magnificent bastard!

 

Okay, so you say the pair of you were just recreating a scene from 2001?
Thats right, she was HAL9000 and I was Dave, asking her to open the airlock.
And then?
Well she wouldnt open the airlock, so I disconnected her power supply.
Sir, your wife was on a life support machine
That would explain why she messed up her lines.

 

So, youve listened to every single song ever remixed by Skrillex. And?
It sounds like a chainsaw.
by Kevin_Keegans_Perm, 7-14-12

 

"Everything i Dooooo , i Do its for Yooooooooou"
Canada is shit. Go home!
by Kevin_Keegans_Perm, 7-14-12

 

Hi, Im Bob Diamond, former boss of Barclays. And I want to ask you a question.
Is this pile behind me my bonus and salary since 2007?
Or is it the number of letters firing our staff that I have signed since 2007?

 
This is your kids christening. Please tell me thats a full nappy I can smell.
Nope.

 

Im telling you Wirthling, theres no reason to hide in there anymore. Billings is gone.
I dont believe you. That fucker hounded me for years. Do you know how many "Wirthling Sucks" comics were made because of him?
Last time I looked, around 1293.
...
But there are 1294 comics about Crabby.
I DO NOT SUCK DICK!

 

Well my reanimation formula was a success. Welcome to 2012 Mr Tesla
This is society 60 years after I died? How have you used the gifts I gave you?
Well ....
Alternating Current , Radio Waves , Radar , X-Rays , Cryogenic Storage , Transistors , Reasonating Frequency?
We Froze Walt Disney, and we used the rest to build bigger bombs and shit.
So Crapitalism still rules the world then. Fucksocks.

 
If you say it one more time, I will bitchslap you so hard your eyes will look Caucasian.
OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!

 

Oh no. What did he do this time?
One minute, im swimming away happily in the shoal in the middle of the ocean
next thing , BOOM, im in a fucking basket, surrounded by bread and all my friends are dead next to me.
Yeh, he does that every time there's a leap year
Flipper. Nemo. Dory. He cut them God. He cut them all open in front of my eyes.

 

Fuck your rules
Fuck your contest
Fuck you Mike Bobsico

 

I told you not to
Yeh, Yeh , shut up about it
We were in there for a reason
Look, it looked edible, so I gave it a nibble
Richard Gere died from internal bleeding to bring you this comic
And for reference, his colon tasted delicious.

 

Hey. Do you remember the good old days, when Canadians were sober?
Nope
Me neither.

 

Holy Shit. I did it. I goddamn, fucking did it.
Erm
I am the first black man ever to graduate from Stripcreator University without making a joke about Watermelons or Fried Chicken.
And ....
And I just fucked the whole thing up there before collecting my Diploma, didnt I.
You just went from "Kaufman" to "Boinky33" in a single panel.

 

Hi, Im Neal from "When I Grow Up", and Im here to demonstrate to you "Racism on the Internet"
In this Panel, Im going to use the word "Nigger" and its going to be acceptable because I am a black character.
And in this panel, Im going to use the word "Nigger" and its going to be unacceptably racist, because your just realised the writer is white.

 

Ok. So the victim was found beheaded and with 53 volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica forced down their throat.
According to this note, there are 54 volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
There are two openings big enough for that kind of book.
And we already checked one out thoroughly.
So are you editing that note as we speak, or getting your camera phone out for when I tell Forensics what they're doing next?
Just checking the battery is charged.

 

Compton to Base. Come in Base.
Yes Base, the cat has been rescued.
But you're gonna need a stronger vacuum to get the hamster out of his ass.

 

Listen. Jael. Many years ago, this comic strip would have involved a series of poorly written attempts by me to get you into that bed.
However having grown older, and wiser, I now realise that I value you as a friend, a fellow forum user, and a respected comic creator.
Waiting for a punchline?
I want you to take me over there and do me like a roofied Cheerleader.

 

They sent 100 people to Mars on this one way mission
99 of us were male.
All of us brought Five Dollars.

 

All clear in Quadrant C-13. Planet is clear of hostile life forms.
Erm Captain, thats not strictly speaking true
Hold on earth, my soon-to-be-deceased officer says something is up
Well sir, its not a hostile native lifeform weve encountered, it appears to be something we brought with us
Goddamit. This isnt college anymore Jones. Did you pack ANOTHER Xenomorph in my luggage?
If he did sir, you'll be meeting it in 5...4..3...2...1.... ARGH!

 

Pay attention. When the light goes Red, you press the Red button.
And when the light goes Green, you press the Green button.
And that concludes your induction to voting in the House of Representatives. Any questions Congressman?
Ook?

 

Holy shit. A Martian ... erm, we come in peace.
Relax asshole. You've been beaming that TV shit around for 50 years, we know your language.
Well then, erm, are we cool? I mean, us being aliens with a propensity to nuke indigenous species from orbit to claim their land?
Yeh. Not too worried about that. Most of the shit you put on TV about Martians, we've actually built it.
So how fucked are we on a scale of 1-10?
The processing plant is running low on recycled meat chunks. Thats all you need to know.

 

Our top story tonight. A train carrying 370 tonnes of nuclear waste has derailed in Flint, Michigan
Officials count the death toll in the thousands
Unfortunately, Michael Moore was not amongst the casualties.
Bollocks.

 

My Advisor told me to invest in Potatoes. He said I would be Dublin my money.
On his advice, Irished everything to make my fortune.
It funded my new movie about Irish Immigrants moving to America during the Potato famine. Its called "Starch Trek"

 

What they say ,....
This is a budget to get people back into work and make our economy great again.
What they mean ......
Look Poor People. Look at the big Red Case with the shiny shiny. Do you want cheap alcohol? You're so easily bribed ......

 

Well the Tricorder readings confirm it, his death was caused by severe titanium poisoning affecting the liver and lungs.
There are only two types of creature that can cause this. The Gastronian Snarg, and the Kryocerian Flagbuggle.
Ill get these samples to sick bay for analysis/
Listen, Joe, I know your wife died, but this is probably not the best way for you to deal with it, you being a coroner and all.

 

And so that concludes our tour of "Wirthling Incorporated". Does anyone have any questions?
What happens when your wife finds out you're a floating head with no genitals?
She does what shes always done. Fucks the neighbours.

 

Listen, was it the explosive flatulence?
The dead hookers in the bathtub?
The fact that I'm a Liberal?
That's the one.

 

"We have decided to withhold payment on your recent donation to the sperm bank"
What? Thats ridiculous.
I can almost see why they rejected it. We did go out on a limb for this one.
Im a 9yr old evil genius. I cant make sperm yet, but that combination of river water and mouldy playdough was a perfect match.
"Of the 23 recipients, 19 have died, 3 are in a coma, and one has a yeast infection that resembles Godzilla"
I guess its time to whip up another batch then.

 

Whilst the zombie's fight to get in ...
Why do they want me? Im a robot, I have nothing edible on my person.
And im ethereal. They'll walk right through me consistently without being able to touch me.
*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*
Hang on. Is it possible that HE exists? That the myths are true?
Those are fairytales, told by humans to scare their children.
*WHIRRRRRRRR*CLICK*
Oh Shit ....... ITS HIM!
There's no mistaking that mechanical extendable phallus.

 

I am Glaswegian. I have a 3 word Username.
But in true Samuel L Jackson style, I have something I need to tell you all.
I am not Kramer Versus Kramer.

 

So can I count on your vote for the "Not getting raped in the ass by an 3ft Metallic Phallus" party?
Yep
Got my vote
I always liked your policies
Ive been onboard since the start
Im a floating voter, I need some convincing.

 

So there I was, campaigning my little heart out, on my soapbox in the middle of the High Street
And out of nowhere, this policeman just grabs me, cuffs me, and throws me into the back of his van.
Apparently, even if you're a politician, the laws on Indecent Exposure still apply

 

Boss, you know I am not comfortable with this, right?
If you dont want your ass fired over sexually harassing the new intern, you'll do this, and shut up.
Its not right though. I mean, sexual harassment is one thing, but this could really hurt people man.
I dont give a shit. Get the fuck on with it, I dont have all day.
Fine. The ballot papers have been pre-populated with votes for UKIP
Hiring that hooker as an intern turned out to be more useful than I thought.

 

You know my Wise Owls are gonna beat you in the playoffs Dorknapper.
You've no chance Nappdorker, my slightly-retarded Owls have one thing you'll never have and thats our key to winning
Oh yeah? We beat everyone else this year. What could you possibly have that could stop my team
Our ultimate weapon, something so incredible, its impossible to coach
Oh god! You can't possibly mean ....
Yep, an extra chromosome 21.

 

Oh look. A mid range desk and nobody to bend me over it ......
Invisible Tobor is about to prove you very wrong
by Kevin_Keegans_Perm, 5-08-15

 

It appears my research paper on "Sexual Assaults whilst under the influence of Hypnosis" has reached its conclusion
This should earn me top marks, and a distinction hopefully.
Shut up asshole. The judge said 25 to life. Get on the fucking bus.

 

Im telling you baby. Im the greatest of all time
My numbers cant be denied, they'll be talkng about me for the next 50 years
Now get down there number 11.
AHHH! Get offa me Darren Sharper

 

The First, and Last, Father/Son Acid Trip occurred when he was 9 years old
Oh god no. Take it out dad. Please.
Stop struggling son. there's plenty more space for these Wasabi's , ill just pack them in with my dick.
The last one, at age 13, left the boy in a permanent coma.
*gurgle*
They're growing a treat son. Seems they grow best when watered with Semen. I better give them one last top up.
He's not going to make it through the night. Were adding Murder to the Child Molestation charges.
Well , I guess I put the Pea in Paedophilia

 

I look upon the solitude of my daily existence, and I weep
There will be nobody to mourn me, merely replace and repeat my actions
As long as they can defuse the C4.

 

The simplicity of the village was what first struck me
Quaint, backward, yet somehow at one with the forest surroundings.
It made the genocide that followed so much easier

 

The serenity was overwhelming, there was not a person to be found
Of all the beaches in the world, this one was as perfect as could be
And they ruined it by making me come back to show them where she was buried.

Showing page 9.

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